Facebook Sabbatical

I've been on a month long Facebook Sabbatical, and I like it. No, I've loved it. It's felt refreshing to be unplugged. 100% transparency, I was occasionally on Twitter. I have no relationships on Twitter. It's all information based. And I was occasionally on Instagram. That's like flipping through a photo album. And I didn't post any pictures. 

I've taken Facebook Sabbaticals before--usually after being pissed off by some backhanded, subliminal mocking, or from being despondent after the 2016 elections when I didn't think I could cope seeing the 45th President, daily, on my Facebook newsfeed. Of course my need to speak out or speak up against injustice or political insanity, share baby goats and baby donkeys, and see our kids and grandkiddo's pictures, an the latest vegan recipes keeps me coming back. Sometimes, it feels like I'm apart of something bigger than myself on Facebook. Other times, I know I'm wasting too much time. My greatest fear is I'm wasting my breath. 

I'd love to think that what I have to say matters. Because of childhood experiences, there is an unconscious fear that nobody is listening. If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is listening, does it matter? As a tree hugger I say, sure it does. If I post an important Facebook status, does it matter? I'm not sure? And that's why Facebook Sabbaticals are good for me. I need to detach from time-to-time to remind my ego-self that the world will go on without me; it doesn't need my battle cry, my soap box issues, or my two-cents (or my dog Buddha's pictures). And you know what? That kind of feels like a tiny-death to me not to participate in real-time. 

I've not made many girlfriends in our Florida vacation/retirement town (one of the reasons we'll be moving to the Gulf Coast next month). Even though it has the best beaches in Florida, it's a predominately senior community. Facebook has been nice tool to fill the social void at times (especially when I'm bored). And while I've never been addicted to Facebook “likes” or “comments”, I do enjoy dialogue and conversation among my far away friends. 

I took this year's Facebook Sabbatical so I could get some perspective on a few personal issues, clear my head, chat with God, be still and know. Works every time. Within days I didn't miss Facebook. I felt more present and engaged with what was happening right in front of me. Rich and I weren't sitting on the couch with our phones or laptops; we were cuddling, hugging, and laughing more. We were more starry-eyed-happy to connect with only each other in the moment. Because I wasn't on Facebook, Rich wasn't on as much too. 

Do you know how much Facebook time is filled while sitting at restaurants, waiting at the airport or waiting rooms or standing in lines? A lot! Get off Facebook and you'll realize how much time you used to look down at your phone. And on a side note, the left side of my neck feels better too. 

My favorite thing to see on the beach. Older couples holding hands. 

More time with Buddha

Sand Dunes on the Gulf Coast

People Watching 

The GEICO Gecko came in the mail

The Salt Life 

I've had a wonderful month. Slowed down. Notice everything. I got to go to California to see April, Nehemiah, and Ava. Meet April's new boyfriend, Tor, and his daughter, Caroline. I got to hang out one evening with my old boss, Steve McNitt, and his wife, Susie. There is nothing like reminiscing and catching up with old friends. While I captured some moments, I missed a lot of Kodak moments (like a group photo with the McNitt's). I was so into watching Nehemiah soccer tournament and connecting with those around us, I didn't take my usual hundred photos of every moment. Mostly, I loved just taking it all in.  I also got to go to Colorado to visit Sarah and baby Annika (John was in Europe). All the Grandkiddo-time blessed my heart. The Grandkiddos are growing up so fast; their smiles and tears are all precious. My favorite thing was watching April and Sarah be incredible mothers to their children. 

Oma reading to Baby Annika (9mos) 

Sarah is an amazing mommy

April always makes life a party

Nehemiah having Christmas in October

Oma & Annika's first selfie

I gave Ava some of my hat collection. 

Ava in one of G.G.'s original hats

Nehemiah looking cool before a soccer game

Flight For Life Helicopter 

Distraction causes thousands of accidents and deaths each year. Rich and I were driving on Highway 95. Thankfully, I wasn't looking down at Facebook on my phone. A few cars ahead I saw car parts coming off onto the road. I yelled at Rich to slow down as we saw cars sliding without control to the grassy median area. We averted a serious accident between two cars.  I was able to be one of the first on the scene (Rich called the police). A young male was twisted in the front seat of his car, unconscious and not responding. Soon men and an off-duty medic arrived to try to get him out. I went to the next car. I held an injured Hispanic grandmother's hand in the backseat of the other smashed car. She didn't speak any English. I didn't speak any Spanish. She was bleeding from her eye and her arm was broke. Time goes slowly when you're in need. The only thing I could do was visually coach her to breathe through the pain, in and out, until the paramedics took her away.  The Flight-to-Life helicopter landed in front of our car to take a young male injured driver away swiftly. I pray everyone hurt is all right and healing well. 

Sunrise over the Bay

I saw glorious sunrises and sunsets that couldn't be captured in photographs (but I tried). As I get older, I'm more introverted then extroverted. I forced myself to have conversations with strangers to feel more connected to humanity. I came across a sidewalk caulk contest in Clearwater. If it hadn't been 90 degrees out in the sun, the inner coloring-booker in me wanted to join them. 

Chalk contest in Clearwater

 I always envied pastors who took months off from ministering to their flock. Sabbaticals are meant to rest the mind, body, and spirit. If you're someone like me who’s compelled to share their heart, time off Facebook is necessary. I don't have a Facebook flock--although, I do have a few Facebook groups that I lead. It's good for me to give myself permission to let go of all social responsibilities: Let go of my need to lead or guide. Let go of my need to know. Let go of my need to control. Let go of my need to be a part of social conversations. Let go of my need to be heard or understood. If I want that, I'll go hug a tree. 😉🌴

Free At Last

Owning your shit

can be the most beautiful,

spiritual, holy thing 

you can do

 to set yourself (and others) free. 

Irma

It's been a crazy few weeks: 

Los Angeles and the Pacific West coast are on fire.

Houston was ravaged by hurricane Harvey a few weeks ago. 

Irma was a nasty and unpredictable Cat 5, then Cat 4, then Cat 2 storm. 

She took up the entire state of Florida. Irma couldn't decide where she was going to land. 

When we left, it was predicted that she would head up the East Coast (hitting South Florida and Vero Beach). 

Listening to all the meteorologists was like listening to Nate Silver talking about the election; probabilities makes for interesting reality TV. 

However, they were off enough to make a difference for many unprepared on the West Coast. 

A historical 6 million people evacuated Florida the week of September 5th (there are only two or three ways out of Florida). 

I-75 and I-95 were at a standstill for hours. A baby was born in traffic. Vehicles were stalled on the side of the road because they ran out of gas. The best in others came out; so did the worst. Irma arrived on Florida's coast September 10th. 

I felt guilty knowing many of my friends were staying behind.  

Weather makes us all humble. I'm reflecting on a few things:

1) I don't live in the moment as much as I think I do. I have WAY more fear and future thinking going on. I had anxiety before we left Florida. I was like a coked-out Camp Director trying to prepare our house, our dog, and our journey out of the state (maybe for the last time?). Rich was calm but down played the possible 'what if's'. This pissed me off; I felt like I had to do all the mental work of worrying and planning. The least he could do was worry with me, right? It was an ugly 24 hours. I only had 3 hours of sleep before we left. Once we were on the road, I was fine. 

2) If you live in a place that rains, you also live in a place that will flood. Hurricanes will happen if you’re near the ocean. A few people tease us, or ask why we live in Florida? One answer: It's Paradise 51 weeks out of the year. We may have to go through this exodus again (maybe every year because of climate change). Some will stay. Once, I sat on a plane ride with the Chief of Fire and Rescue of Miami. We talked about hurricanes. She told me if a Cat 3 or above is heading towards Florida, "Leave. Get out early. Don't look back." If it's a Cat 1 or 2 we'll probably ride it out with friends. We've decided we'll go (as long as it's possible and within our means). We are blessed. Family and friends have offered sanctuary out of state. Plus, it gives us a great opportunity to go home to IL or visit people we miss.

3) I'm a wuss. I don't say that to judge myself harshly. It's an honest fact. I got out of Dodge early because of traffic and supplies running out. I never want to live in a shelter with others. I'd rather live in a hotel or my car-too many people overwhelm me. I had the luxury of leaving because, thankfully, Rich had training in Ohio and Delaware. That humbles me too.

4) I appreciate distractions: My dog. Facebook. Instagram. The news. Music on a long trip to Ohio. It's amazing how long I'm able to distract myself when the stress meter is off the charts. I noticed my entire mid-back was locked up. I had to do yoga to unwind and relax every day-even in the hotels. I also apologize for the ridiculous amount of videos and photos I posted of Buddha. His ability to sleep for 9 hours a day in a car was calming. Plus he's cute.

5) Back to that living in the moment thing. I get why the Buddha and Jesus talk about 'take no thought for tomorrow', or 'suffering comes from our thoughts.' I've noticed that I'd really like to do a better job of present moment living; in fact, I crave it. I'll have to slow things down (my brain) be more disciplined or mindful to take captive these stressful thoughts. I often wonder what it would FEEL like to be truly in the moment for a WHOLE day--like children or puppies. 

6) I'm surprised how much I can live without. I was ruthless in what I left behind and what I took with me: 

1 medium suitcase of clothes

1 thick yoga mat (not even my favorite mat)

1 bin of keepsake gifts (most from Kevin or my grandmother)

2 framed pictures: A colorful cross that Kevin made in Kindergarten and a Chagall that was my grandmother's. 

2 bins filled with photos (I didn't have time to scan them). Actually, I never realized I should until this last hurricane. These are like my Crown Jewels of England. 

This is a lot of stuff to take compared to others in hurricanes. If I lost everything and never went back to my house, I'd be okay with that. I'm grateful I get to go back. So many are rebuilding; they are brave souls. What made it easy to let go (even mentally)? I think it's because of seeing so many (in Houston or the Caribbean) lose it all. Why not me too? As long as we live in Florida, it will happen again. Next time I hope to leave with just 1 suitcase and 1 bin of keepsakes. The dog and husband can come along too. 

The Universe Had My Back

I don’t want to get all Woo Woo, but I think the Universe had my back last week. 

We had been planning a trip to Chicago for three months. It had been two years since I moved to Florida and went back home for a visit. (Rich has gone back several times for business.) I was thrilled and couldn’t wait to see everyone. Yet, I observed trying to plan out an agenda that I had more anxiety over my return than excitement.

I have always had a trace of social anxiety. I never fully noticed it, or understood it, until I moved away. Unless a party or event was held at my house, I wanted to bail out of going. Many times I did (especially when it came to large family gatherings). It's crazy because I love a good party. But I like being the hostess more because it kept me distracted from those reticent fears. I’ve learned that my need to feel accepted by everyone often set me up for social anxiety: Who will talk to me? Will someone not talk to me because they feel disappointed in me again? Will I have to do all the talking? Why is everyone talking all at once? I can't concentrate. Belonging is a big issue. Will anyone take my picture because they want to include me? Will they post the worst picture of me looking fat or rolling my eyes? With the advent of tagging pictures in Facebook, my social anxiety amplified. Even with people I love spending time with, I have fears—in some ways, the greatest fears. It’s easier for me to be around strangers. Do you feel that way too? 

You’d never know it; I seem quite extroverted.  Secretly, I’d wish that I came down with the bubonic plague just so I’d have a legit excuse to not go to a party or holiday. Somewhere deep down, there was this irrational part of me that has always felt profoundly rejected or misunderstood (even by people I think like me or know me). I bought into those limited-beliefs. Prayer and Meditation has helped me to notice my insecurities without being too hard on myself. I recognize when those social fears bubble up. I take a few stabilizing breaths. I question my stressful thoughts. I notice when I'm projecting onto others. It’s freeing to honor my fears and have a better relationship with my feelings. I do a much better job of getting out of my head nowadays.

Yet, as the trip to Chicago got closer, I was feeling mild panic. How am I going to see all the people I missed? I have to balance family time and friend time. Watching the news, I sorta thought that Donald Trump was going to get us in a nuclear war with North Korea. On the upside, I’d be off the hook and wouldn’t have to disappoint anyone or feel these anxious feelings anymore.

A few weeks before my trip, this brilliant thought came to me: Only schedule time with those that have kept in touch with you 3x via phone or email (Facebook didn’t count). That narrowed down whom I’d have to see.  I instantly felt lighter. I thanked God for the inspiration and finally started putting together an agenda.

The day we flew to Chicago, I surrendered all outcomes of this trip. I did what I needed to do to give myself boundaries to help with my social anxiety.

I put out an initial Facebook apology that I couldn’t see everyone the day we left (because, I haven’t fully recovered from my people-pleasing addiction).  

I entered into this week in Chicago like it was the last trip I’d ever take. I got on the plane and put my headphones on, jammed to the music, and started to color in my coloring book (I mean meditate). Nothing in my sprit was fearful. It was the most peaceful flight I ever took. 

We truly enjoyed seeing old friends and family. Even got to see a rare eclipse with my brother. I also was grateful for simple things I missed: Midwestern trees, wild flowers, red cardinals, and cooler weather. It felt great to walk barefoot in the soft grass without fire ants biting me. Vegan Lou Malnati’s Pizza, yes, we made it happen. And when did Route 90 get completed?

Watching Eclipse with at Mike's house

I was fully present with everyone. I let go of all expectations of others. Our trip was full of grace and synchronicity. I felt the most at ease with others and within myself than I ever have. Things just came together (and even had a few happy surprises and conversations).

Rich and I kept saying to each other, “This has been the most unique trip.” It was as if God was using the intricate woven, matrix Universe to create all these positive experiences for us to relish. It felt personal. It was all happening ‘for us’ and not just to us. Boundaries, surrender, and present moment living made all this difference. 

I'll Think About It Tomorrow

This has never happened in the 7 years I've been writing a monthly blog. 

I was editing a finished blog when all of a sudden, a invisible, psychotic Pac Man started to erase word after word, left to right, line after line, paragraph after paragraph. I thought the delete button was jammed. It wasn't. I hit every other button on my keyboard, from Save to Alt Delete. My computer may have a malware of some kind or other. I ran to the kitchen, like there was a fire, to tell Rich that my blog was erasing all by itself. He was cutting up an onion for dinner. Rich stood there blinking at me with tears in his eyes. He was not going to be able to put out any digital MAC flames for me; time is of the essence. I went back in my office and felt like crying looking at a blank computer screen. It was gone!  

Since it's the weekend, I realized I was not going to get to the computer store before my end of the month deadline to post my blog. I thought about trying to re-write it. That only made me feel like I had dementia because I couldn't remember what I wrote 10 minutes ago. Clearly, I was in shock. 

When I feel overwhelmed, I do a few things: meditate, take a nap, eat a cookie, or do some yoga. Since it was too late in the day to nap, I did some yoga and breath work. 

There's not much you can do in the moment when your computer is crashing. Feeling like I had lost my first draft of Gone With The Wind, I walked to my yoga mat and practically collapsed into Child's Pose. Head down to the mat, body folded in half, and arms along side of my body. It wasn't a full-on yoga session, but it was yoga. INSTANTLY, I felt my entire being exhale. I was in the moment and not resisting 'What Is'. 

I was slightly impressed that I didn't turn into a total drama queen by ruining the evening because something didn't go my way. Progress! I lost a blog; it's not the end of the world. 

The Scarlet O'Hara in me knew I'd have to think about my blog (and my computer) tomorrow. Dinner was ready. Rich made my favorite vegan chili recipe. It was DELISH. 

Life happens. The End.