Be well, do good work, and keep in touch. ~ Garrison Keillor
I’ve never been good with
goodbyes. I cry like a baby and go into the ugly cry where my face and nose
swell, and my face gets all blotchy. Here are a few examples: I can
remember the first time I said goodbye to neighbors when we moved from the
south side of Chicago to Buffalo Grove. I was 5-years old. How did I know that
I would never see them again? Why was I crying so hard? I had an irrational
breakdown at my 8th grade graduation. Hot tears were just streaming
down my face ruining my makeup. I knew my life was going to change and feared
I’d never see my friends again in high school. That was one of my more silly
goodbyes. For one week, I vacationed at a Club Med (it was the 80’s). I got to
hang out with David Lee Roth and his girlfriend and business manager. A little
circle of us clustered daily at the beach or bar. My wild side cut loose in
Mexico as we danced to David Lee Roth’s boom box tunes. When the week was over,
that dreaded irrational goodbye cry was back, along with the tear stained puffy
face. Pathetic, huh?
Kevin moved back to Florida last
week. Secretly, I was hoping for some divine intervention that he’d decide to
stay. It never came. Damn Chicago winter (Kevin hates the
cold)! There was so much emotion for me as a mom. This was it…my time with him
came to an end. It went by too fast.
I wanted to say so much
before he left. I wanted to hang out on the back porch all summer and shoot the
breeze more. But that was my agenda. It took some time for me to accept that I
won’t have him share parts of our life. He’ll be clueless what we’re doing up to here in IL and
I won’t know what he’s up too in FL. I’ll miss his hardworking face at the dinner
table telling me about his latest shenanigans or some factoid that only he’d remember
in detail. And even though it bothered me when he acted like an old curmudgeon,
I’ll miss his grumpy face too. I'll miss seeing him delight in Chicago food. I’ll miss his sense of humor and even his
mocking tone. I'll miss laughing hysterically when Kev's around my brother Mike, and his wife Christine. I’m really going to miss his Tacos.
Kevin was eager to get back
to his friends in FL and get on with his life. I don't blame him; having close friends you can count on matters. I want him to be happy, so I decided
I wouldn’t hold on to his ankles when he walked out the door. I thank God for
the lessons I learned while he was home the last 10 months. I ask God’s
blessing on his life as he moves forward.
Our job is to raise our kids
to grow up and move out and make their own life. That is the stupidest idea in
the world. I’m kidding. I’m a mama hen who likes to gather her chicks (or one
chick) under her wings. I want to be a mom 24/7. Why is that? Being a mom comes
naturally to me? I’m sure it’s deeper than that, something to do with my
abandonment issues and my fine-tuned co-dependent skills. Poor kid, no wonder
he wanted to move back to Florida.
For me to flourish and expand
as a person, I need to be slightly tipped over and forced to re-evaluate myself
every few years. My relationship with Kevin has had it’s challenges. If I stay
in the mom role, I’ll never grow.
Even though we loved having Kev live with us, it’s unatural for adult children to live with their parents.
There is a weirdness when you’ve raised your kids to be independent and you
offer to do their laundry and you’re folding their boxers.
Growing up in the last half
of the 20th century, I became attached to this Norman Rockwell
picture in my mind that family and friends come together on Sundays to have dinner. Am I the only one who wants to live out that fantasy? I’ve
known for a decade it is not the life I was meant to live. My son wants to live
in Florida. I’m not crazy about hurricanes, tropical storms, or black racer
snakes. Someday he’ll meet a 'really' nice girl (to bring home to mom for a visit). They’ll get married, maybe have a child or two. I suppose I’ll need to start
saving for the condo in Florida when he has kids so I can see my grandchildren
more than once a year.
My friend, Joel, told me
months ago to start practicing my goodbye speech. Our last night together, just the two of us because Rich was out of town, Kevin and I had an enjoyable dinner at the Sushi Station. We came back home to his packed car and spent a few moments chatting about nothing in particular. When the time came for Kev to drive off into the night,
he gave me permission to give him my 'goodbye' speech. I kept it short and sweet.
Goodbye Speech: “I know the
reasons that brought you up here to Illinos were honorable. It says a lot about
your character. And even though it didn’t turn out like you hoped, that doesn’t
change your character. You can’t control the actions of others. I’m proud of
you for what you did and for trying to improve another person’s life for the better. I’m also
proud of you for putting back together your life after it fell apart. Bad thing
happen in life. I’m also proud of you for taking the time in the past two
months to really own your stuff and work on your own personal healing. The more
you continue to work on your own healing, the easier life will be (even though
life is hard at times). And I also want to commit to continue to co-create a more
adult relationship with you. And, just know, I’ll be praying for you. *PAUSE….take
a deep breath….choking back tears* I really wish you weren’t leaving. I’m going to miss you
so much. But honestly Kev, I don’t want you to live with me anymore. But I wish
you were living the next town over so I could see you occasionally and do life together. Seeing you
once a year is not enough for me. But I
want you to be happy, and I know going back to your home in Florida will make
you happy.”
At this point, it was time for the ‘goodbye
hug’. He willingly wrapped his strong arms around his emotional mother and
hugged me tight. I lost it. I mean, I didn’t just leak out tears, I let out
some heaving blubbering sounds along with the full-on ugly cry face.
It was a special moment that
Kev allowed me to have. I got to be honest and real. I got to be a mom and he
didn’t take that away from me. He even was a little teary eyed too. It was
closure. I needed that. I felt like we blessed each other in our own way in that hug as we
decided to move on with our lives-separetly.
I walked him out to his car.
One last hug. This was really happening. I gave him my peace sign. My breath
got caught in my throat, bearly audible I said, “Goodbye, son” as I watched him
drive off into the night. I stood outside in the driveway for a few minutes,
still crying. I looked up to the heavens and said, “Thank you, God. Keep him
safe and watch over him! God bless you, Kev!”
