Goodbye Kev and Good Luck

Be well, do good work, and keep in touch. ~ Garrison Keillor

I’ve never been good with goodbyes. I cry like a baby and go into the ugly cry where my face and nose swell, and my face gets all blotchy.  Here are a few examples: I can remember the first time I said goodbye to neighbors when we moved from the south side of Chicago to Buffalo Grove. I was 5-years old. How did I know that I would never see them again? Why was I crying so hard? I had an irrational breakdown at my 8^th grade graduation. Hot tears were just streaming down my face ruining my makeup. I knew my life was going to change and feared I’d never see my friends again in high school. That was one of my more silly goodbyes. For one week, I vacationed at a Club Med (it was the 80’s). I got to hang out with David Lee Roth and his girlfriend and business manager. A little circle of us clustered daily at the beach or bar. My wild side cut loose in Mexico as we danced to David Lee Roth’s boom box tunes. When the week was over, that dreaded irrational goodbye cry was back, along with the tear stained puffy face. Pathetic, huh? 

Kevin moved back to Florida last week. Secretly, I was hoping for some divine intervention that he’d decide to stay. It never came. Damn Chicago winter (Kevin hates the cold)! There was so much emotion for me as a mom. This was it…my time with him came to an end. It went by too fast.

I wanted to say so much before he left. I wanted to hang out on the back porch all summer and shoot the breeze more. But that was my agenda. It took some time for me to accept that I won’t have him share parts of our life. He’ll be clueless what we’re doing up to here in IL and I won’t know what he’s up too in FL. I’ll miss his hardworking face at the dinner table telling me about his latest shenanigans or some factoid that only he’d remember in detail. And even though it bothered me when he acted like an old curmudgeon, I’ll miss his grumpy face too. I'll miss seeing him delight in Chicago food. I’ll miss his sense of humor and even his mocking tone. I'll miss laughing hysterically when Kev's around my brother Mike, and his wife Christine. I’m really going to miss his Tacos. 

Kevin was eager to get back to his friends in FL and get on with his life. I don't blame him; having close friends you can count on matters. I want him to be happy, so I decided I wouldn’t hold on to his ankles when he walked out the door. I thank God for the lessons I learned while he was home the last 10 months. I ask God’s blessing on his life as he moves forward.

Our job is to raise our kids to grow up and move out and make their own life. That is the stupidest idea in the world. I’m kidding. I’m a mama hen who likes to gather her chicks (or one chick) under her wings. I want to be a mom 24/7. Why is that? Being a mom comes naturally to me? I’m sure it’s deeper than that, something to do with my abandonment issues and my fine-tuned co-dependent skills. Poor kid, no wonder he wanted to move back to Florida.

For me to flourish and expand as a person, I need to be slightly tipped over and forced to re-evaluate myself every few years. My relationship with Kevin has had it’s challenges. If I stay in the mom role, I’ll never grow.

Even though we loved having Kev live with us, it’s unatural for adult children to live with their parents. There is a weirdness when you’ve raised your kids to be independent and you offer to do their laundry and you’re folding their boxers. 

Growing up in the last half of the 20^th century, I became attached to this Norman Rockwell picture in my mind that family and friends come together on Sundays to have dinner. Am I the only one who wants to live out that fantasy? I’ve known for a decade it is not the life I was meant to live. My son wants to live in Florida. I’m not crazy about hurricanes, tropical storms, or black racer snakes. Someday he’ll meet a 'really' nice girl (to bring home to mom for a visit). They’ll get married, maybe have a child or two. I suppose I’ll need to start saving for the condo in Florida when he has kids so I can see my grandchildren more than once a year.

My friend, Joel, told me months ago to start practicing my goodbye speech. Our last night together, just the two of us because Rich was out of town, Kevin and I had an enjoyable dinner at the Sushi Station. We came back home to his packed car and spent a few moments chatting about nothing in particular. When the time came for Kev to drive off into the night, he gave me permission to give him my 'goodbye' speech. I kept it short and sweet.

Goodbye Speech: “I know the reasons that brought you up here to Illinos were honorable. It says a lot about your character. And even though it didn’t turn out like you hoped, that doesn’t change your character. You can’t control the actions of others. I’m proud of you for what you did and for trying to improve another person’s life for the better. I’m also proud of you for putting back together your life after it fell apart. Bad thing happen in life. I’m also proud of you for taking the time in the past two months to really own your stuff and work on your own personal healing. The more you continue to work on your own healing, the easier life will be (even though life is hard at times). And I also want to commit to continue to co-create a more adult relationship with you. And, just know, I’ll be praying for you. *PAUSE….take a deep breath….choking back tears* I really wish you weren’t leaving. I’m going to miss you so much. But honestly Kev, I don’t want you to live with me anymore. But I wish you were living the next town over so I could see you occasionally and do life together. Seeing you once a  year is not enough for me. But I want you to be happy, and I know going back to your home in Florida will make you happy.”

 At this point, it was time for the ‘goodbye hug’. He willingly wrapped his strong arms around his emotional mother and hugged me tight. I lost it. I mean, I didn’t just leak out tears, I let out some heaving blubbering sounds along with the full-on ugly cry face.

It was a special moment that Kev allowed me to have. I got to be honest and real. I got to be a mom and he didn’t take that away from me. He even was a little teary eyed too. It was closure. I needed that. I felt like we blessed each other in our own way in that hug as we decided to move on with our lives-separetly.

I walked him out to his car. One last hug. This was really happening. I gave him my peace sign. My breath got caught in my throat, bearly audible I said, “Goodbye, son” as I watched him drive off into the night. I stood outside in the driveway for a few minutes, still crying. I looked up to the heavens and said, “Thank you, God. Keep him safe and watch over him! God bless you, Kev!”

PS- Call or text me occasionally ~Mom