But it's also been a really good year too, in many ways (especially our move to the Gulf Coast). The last year has been a year of exploring our new environment. We still can't get over that we live in Florida after 3 years. No matter how insane things may be, there is the ocean.
I'm making new like-mined connections and budding friendships (in my new town and online through wonderful FB groups). I always love when dear old friends come to visit: Soul Sister time with Tamara and Jolanda; Romon was here for 2 weeks; the Jones, our awesome IL neighbors for 10 years; and my brother-in-law, Ralph. Kevin was here for a visit too, after a year--and that did my momma-heart good. I've been volunteering at the Fine Arts center in town and taking art classes; as well as volunteering at our local food pantry. Rich and I got to go to NYC for our 30th Wedding Anniversary; it was a wonderful trip. Buddha has made a 180-degree turn in his behavior. He's less reactive and more at ease with him self. This makes our life easier. I got to meet and train with one of my yoga heroes, Leslie Kaminoff. And I'm feeling more and more prepared and ready to open a yoga therapy and meditation office in 2019.
However, I'm still grateful the year is coming to an end(hurry up, be over). I suppose there are dark, shadow parts of us all that we don't want others to see: our fears, our circular resentments, our anger that life seems out of control, and those damn extra pounds that take so much effort to get off, insecurities that never seem to go away, the judgment that comes when you're just being YOU, conversations that went south that you never want to visit again. Yet, I have just enough optimism. My soul wants to be hopeful. But I'm mentally racing towards the end this year to exchange it for new life surprises. And if Robert Mueller could hurry up too, that would be great.
When it's been a tough season, there is always a residue of things that happened that need to be spiritually and mentally scrubbed off with a kind of intellectual Brillo pad. This will require some painstaking honesty. Byron Katie calls it The Work. Questioning my thoughts is a discipline: Is it true? Can I absolutely know it's true? How do I react, what happens, when I believe that thought? Who would I be without the thought? It's mental jujitsu. It's meditation. And it's exhausting to question your thoughts when you're already feeling exhausted living on 4 hours of sleep per night. But it's a necessary practice for me if I don't want to jump off a bridge.
Maybe you feel this way too occasionally. When I think negative thoughts like I don't feel loved or accepted by others; it will take the wind out of my sails.....for days. When I feel left out or disregarded, judged for being me, I don't know where I fit in? I'm often questioning why I feel more alone then ever before? And these are pretty manageable benign thoughts when my depression is back. However, truth be told, there are darker thoughts. I get mad that these thoughts even come into my mind. I judge them as an endless pit of pity. They are there to teach me something and wake me up, not bring me down. Yet, if I'm not careful, I can feel strangled by them. "They are just thoughts. They are just thoughts. They are just thoughts. They are just thoughts" I tell myself.
The other thing I must commit to is a return to Love. Love of myself. You'd think that was easy. I mean, we're all self-centered in one way or another; I have sole possession of the remote control in our house. I know what I like and what I don't like. I know how to go get a much needed massage, or go float in a salt tank for an hour when my mind is fraying. Self care and love of self is a good thing. Self-centeredness is fear-based.
Part of ending the year well is taking an unfiltered examination of what holds me back without any judgment or expectations attached to it. Returning to LOVE is questioning those misguided thoughts and noticing. Just be still and know. God is love. God is within me. God is in everyone I meet (I'm so glad I haven't met Donald Trump because I have a hard time believing God is in him). Be kind to myself and welcome those thoughts without resistance and question them with curiosity. I may have to do this for another 365 days. It doesn't matter. I'm retraining and resetting my brain.
On the Gulf Coast, people are vibrant and outside all the time. They're also IN the water or ON the water all the time. I live in a fantastic place. I've been wanting to learn how to paddle board here on the St. Joseph's Sound. It's scary to face my fears of being on the ocean and not just admiring the ocean from the shoreline. What if I fall in the dark water? What's under there? If I quiet my mind, check my irrational thoughts, I recognize the only thing that is under the water is just a lot of wetness.
I honestly can't wait for January 2nd. January 1st nothing is open; it's just a pajama day. January 2nd, I'm like, “game on”, “lets get ready to rumble and DO THIS YEAR!!!!” I don't know if I'll lose weight this year? I don't know if my mind will be less melancholy? I don't know who will walk into my life and inspire me to grow or level up. I don't know if I'll be less of a procrastinator? I'm not making any resolutions. I'm only intuitively acknowledging that LOVE and discipline (in all it's forms) heals. If I can commit to more LOVE in whatever form that takes, everything else will fall into place as it's supposed to. Bring IT.
And then there are things that are going to happen in 2019 that I can't wait to experience: weddings, another baby girl grandchild we're all waiting to meet, concerts like Andrea Bocelli, visitors to show around town, awesome vegan meals to make, deeper sleep, conversations that will make me laugh until I cry, create more sustainable living, change that is reasonable and interesting enough so life isn't boring, more sunsets, and of course, the Robert Mueller report.
