I got to know Michele as one of my yoga students in 2010. Eventually, I decided to do couple’s yoga and Dick joined us. Rich and Dick hit it off. We all liked yoga and laughing together (some things in yoga are just funny). We’d occasionally go out to eat to build a friendship.
One night over dinner and drinks, the subject turned to Blended Families. Michele and Dick are a Blended Family too. As we were telling our stories, I noticed we were lamenting about our Blended Family stories. But Dick and Michele, while having gone through tough times too, seemed to have a much deeper connection with their kids and step kids. We were envious. Dick was a very involved dad, and Michele was more like a mom than a step-mom. She called them 'my kids' and had such ownership of the relationship. Yet she humbly knew the boundaries. In my mind, I rationalized why they had a better Blended Family story because of a few reasons: Dick and Michele didn’t have as much drama around their ex-spouses, people didn't keep them locked in the past, the ‘story’ of their divorce wasn’t worthy of a novel like ours was, their kids had always lived with them full time, and they were more mature and older when they got married.
As we shared each other’s stories, the conversation took a turn. Both Michele and Dick shifted from talking about themselves and all they went through to 'calling us out' as parents of divorced kids (Michele was a child of divorce so she gave us some heartbreaking insight.)
Our failures as a blended family seemed more epic. However, Michele and Dick offered grace but didn’t let us off the hook. Naturally and compassionately, they moved the conversation from what happened to what WE needed to do to change things with our kids. They knew we were good parents with good hearts but we were stuck, and missed the mark.
This was curious because I was getting a taste of my own medicine. I’m often the one counseling or giving advice to others (Rich too). However, this time, it was truth turned on me. I was slightly embarrassed and taken-back. My ego immediately wanted to wrestle with the suggestions they offered. My egoic thoughts swirled with justification "But but but….what about how hard they made it for me? What about how others interfered? What about how much I tried, we tried, but nobody ever gave me (or us) credit? Like a record player on slow speed, I could hear my distorted voice defending itself. (That is consciousness: when I can hear my thoughts and bring awareness to the height of my own BS bulwark.)
The next day, Michele and I talked. She was kind of worried and apologized that they overstepped their boundaries as friends. I told her, “NO, it needed to be said!!! My gosh, thank you!! I heard myself talking over dinner. I didn’t like what was coming out of my mouth. I appreciate you both for being honest with us. I like feedback and you gave me incredible feedback. I could hear all my stories about being a Blended Family: I could hear the damped down anger that life didn’t go my way. I could hear the sadness that I couldn’t fix things. I could hear the fear in my voice thinking about having to face myself and then face my bonus kids. I don’t know how I’m going to course-correct things with our kids, but I will. Even though I'm paralyzed with anxiety thinking about facing The Kids and taking ownership for the things I’ve done wrong over the years, I know it's the right thing to do.”
I knew it was time. I knew I had far more tools now then I did back when I was a young mom. The reason I felt I could change things was because of something Dick and Michele did. They set an aim about how they were going to be as a family of divorce. They would put their kids first. Period! They would put any hurt or disappointment second.
Early in our marriage, the advice I was given to survive a blended family was just be ‘congenial’. That meant friendly but distant. I was told that there was no way I was going to be able to have a close relationship with my step-kids because they already had two parents that loved them. (Unless there is a parent who is abusive or abandons a child, the child has no need to bond with a step parent.) I did my best to stay out of the way and not rock to boat too much.
When the kids were little, I knew they wanted to spend time with their dad and not me. I assumed that never changed as they got older. It kinda felt like nobody wanted to play with me on this play ground, so I went off and played by myself. I foolishly didn’t ask for or model what I really wanted….and the years rolled by creating more fear and distance in my mind. And because I had no reference, it was impossible for me to understand what it was like to be a kid of a Blended Family. I made many mistakes.
Most parents of divorce are like me and Rich. They do the best they can, but often give up after 4-5 rounds in the broken Blended Family ring. Why bother getting up? Someone is always disappointed in you. You know you can’t win. Even when you can have the best of motives, blended family is just harder than I thought it was going to be. (Which by the way, we thought it would be the Brady Bunch. So that tells you how delusional we were. I was in over my head. I barely had the ability to manage my own emotions let alone three other children, and Kevin). For too many years, I had been so focused on licking my wounds and feeling hopeless. I was unable to see past my own inadequacy. Michele and Dick gave me hope. I saw how they shaped a functional Blended Family.
In yoga, I learned about setting intentions (“where the attention goes, the energy flows”). So after our conversation with Dick and Michele, I set an intention at the beginning of 2014 to find a way to heal things with my bonus kids. I was terrified. I didn’t know how I was going to bring about an opportunity to see them (since they lived all over the country), but it was my prayer. Well, God must have believed me because in the span of 4 months, I was able to fly to where they lived and see all 3 of Rich’s adult children.
One by one, I had to prep for those face to face meetings with each one of the Kids. Honestly, who teaches parents how to get humble? How do you have crucial conversations that are authentic and healing? I believe in that stuff, but don’t often see it happen. I needed to figure out a way to ‘own' my part of the breakdown in our relationship. I used the tools from Byron Katie's "The Work" to get brutally honest with myself by asking yourself 4 questions:
1) Is it true?
2) Can you absolutely know that it's true?
3) How do you react, what happens, when you believe the stressful thought?
4) Who would you be without the thought?
(Lastly, turn the thought around: Find at least three specific, genuine examples of how to each turnaround is true for you in this situation.)
The Work is not for wimps. If you don’t want to look at your ego, look for something a little more fluffy. The Work helps you to actually encounter your thoughts and see them for what they really are: just thoughts...100% ego and fear.
‘Our parents, our children, our spouses, our friends will continue to press every button we have, until we realize what it is that we DON’T want to know about ourselves yet. They will point us to our freedom every time. ~ Byron Katie.
I was nervous to meet with each of the kids, but I was prepared and 100% ‘present’ (meaning I was out of my head and in the moment). I knew what I wanted to say, but mostly, I was ready to listen. For the first time in my life, I could listen without any of my ego defense. I wasn't facing the kids, I was facing myself. As we sat together, I opened my hands (palms up as a symbol) and heart and asked them to tell me how they experienced me as their step-mom. This is so I could face my ego and my ‘past' thought-stories. And Lord willing, they could unburden some of their ‘past’ thought-stories. Some of the things they said were surprisingly loving. I had no idea how they felt. Some things pierced my heart. I permanently altered things in their life that I can never undo. All three of the kids were so gracious to me as they told me how they experienced me, and the parts of being in a Blended Family that were difficult.
During the one-on-one conversation with Carrie and Adam, Carrie offered an outsiders perspective (as the daughter in law); She too is a child of divorce. She told how both her parents worked hard to keep everything even. I knew that we did not do a good job of that. She could see that Kevin was given more time and attention and resources.
As Carrie was talking, it felt like my egoic Prime Directive was being altered. We had been planning to go to Florida for the winters. The winter of 20014 did me in. I declared I was officially done with winter in Chicago. I needed sun. And I needed to be by my son. And even though I’ve messed up with Kevin, he felt always safer for me to be around because I didn’t judge myself by the same standard. So I’m not sure of the exact words that Carrie said but the gist was, “Why would you go to Florida to winter every year to spend time with Kevin? [implied:That doesn’t seem fair] Why don’t you take turns seeing all of your kids and grandkids?"
Those words walloped me upside the head. And yet, those words also gave me hope. Adam and Carrie were sincere in telling us they wanted us to be apart of their lives; they always had. We had been so used to doing life apart from what the other three kids did. We had convinced ourselves that we could never have a satisfactory Blended Family.
I didn’t sleep much that night. I was overjoyed by the open invitation that Adam and Carrie gave us into their life. The next morning, after our meeting with Adam and Carrie, I told Rich we have to figure out a way to see all our kids more. If we are going to be gone 3 month out of the year, we need to figure out how we can do that. We’d take turns and rotate winters (or 3 months a year) with one of the four kids. If that meant changing my business model or giving up our personal vacations, we had to figure it out. We’d take all the money we’d put towards our own personal travel, and go see one of the kids for 3 months. And Lord willing, and as God provides, we’d do that year after year for the rest of our life. We decided to take up Carrie’s advice and kick off wintering FIRST with Adam and his kids here in AZ.
Carrie deserves Honorable Mention as my Person(s) Of The Year.
In the past, when I was believing blended family thought-stories, Adam was the one step child I subconsciously needed the most validation: The one I was most afraid of, and the one I kept my distance from for fear of his disapproval. After my meeting with Adam, all my stories dissolved right before me. I didn’t need any validation. I didn’t need anything from him. Whatever I needed, I gave it to myself. Without the fear or the past stories, I could just be myself. No judgement, no expectation, no comparison. I could feel the love I always had for Adam (that was buried beneath my stories). I could meet Adam where he was at in the present moment and look forward to an opportunity to get to know this remarkable man who had grown up to be strong and forgiving, a devoted father.
We’ve been in Arizona since Thanksgiving 2014. Life is amazing. With a mix of surprise and gratitude, Rich and I say out loud to each other, “We live in Arizona!” I get to look at the foothills of Ahwatukee each day. Take walks in the warm sun with Rich and Fred. My heart feels content and blessed. But the best part, is we get to see Adam, Carrie, Tyler, AJ, and Aliya, who live 1 mile down the road from us. Adam and Carrie have kindly given us access to their lives and our grandkids lives. It feels like a NEW chance (not a second chance). It feels like everything that happened needed to happen to get us to this point. For that, I am thankful. It’s wonderful to get to know them more (although they are pretty busy parents raising 3 active kids). We have a front row seat and get to cheer them on. It’s a joy to do some life together for a season.
The happiness inside of me is bubbling over. Thank you Adam, Sarah, and April for agreeing to meet with me. Thank you for showing me a window into your soul. Thank you for being my teachers; for showing me myself--all my fears, judgements, and insecurities. Thank you for loving me and your dad.
And at least once a week, I’ll catch my breath and think, “What if Michele and Dick didn’t speak truth to me? What if we wouldn’t have had that blended family conversation? What if I wouldn’t have found the courage to do The Work?” Honestly, that is more terrifying than snakes and scorpions (and if you know me, that is the scariest thing in the world).
Michele and Dick Lemberger are two friends of ours who have offered us their time and their truth. Everyone should have friends like that. In our book (or blog) they are our Person(s) Of The Year.
