I posted this on my FB page on August 12th, the day after we all learned that Robin Williams committed Suicide.
FB Post: I just shared this long post with my dear friends in my interfaith group this morning. I dreamt about Robin all night long and my connection to his person pain. This is a bit raw for some, so please forgive my authentic self and my heart on the subject.
I've been reading how could Robin not got get help or not know he was loved? Here is my response.
Robin DID get help. The problem was maybe he got the wrong kind of help? The science of the mind is still relatively young. As someone who grew up with severe abuse, rejection, PTSD, my mind was set up to struggle. Some are born with inner brain chemistry imbalances some imbalances are created by trauma. I don't know which exactly was for me?? I suffered with suicidal ideation for years and told NO one. In 2008, I was in full-on clinical depression. It caught up to me. I couldn't repress and be happy for myself and everyone around me anymore. My body was saying, rest, heal, look at what's going on in your thoughts. Medication made it worse. But what the heck did that mean to look at my thoughts? My thoughts were crazy? In my mind, I was seriously F*&% up. In November of 2008, I swallowed more pills then the human body is suppose to take. I wanted to put my mind out of it's misery. Here is what I wish everyone would know: 1) Nobody wants to commit suicide. You're just exhausted and tired of what is happening in your mind. 2) There is hope out of clinical depression and suicidal ideation. After my attempt, I called Kevin the next day. He was furious with me. Instead of compassion he was angry and scared. "What the fuck is wrong with you?! You have got to stop caring what other people think of you, Mom. How do you think I feel to have a mother whose suicidal? You have got to get a grip. You've got to start meditating or something!" It was that harsh talk that woke me up; and saved me! Probably nobody could have woke me up but Kevin. So within a month, I committed to learning how to live a mindful life, living in the present moment. Through daily (and I mean many many times during the day of practice), I mediated and learned how to organize my thoughts. I watched my thoughts and questioned each one. Within 3 months, I was free. I was FREE from all the suffering I had created in my mind. I was FREE from all the thoughts I believed my whole life. I believe that Robin knew he was loved. I knew I was loved. My husband, Rich, stood by me (helplessly) holding onto the rope while I pulled myself up out of the quicksand. It's not about how much we know we are loved. It's about those F#$%^ thoughts!!! Because of how I was set free through mediation, released with blessing from my counselor, and all medication, I have a passion for what I do now. Robin's death hits me hard. I hate to see another life lost (whether they are famous, a suffering PTSD vet, or the neighbor next door). Jon Kabat-Zinn is a doctor who wrote the book Full Catastrophe Living. He talks about the science of the brain/ mind in relationship to the nervous system and mediation. Eckart Tolle talks about how to live in the present moment in The Power of Now!. These two books helped save my life too. I had to learn to let go to all attachments of my thought stories and emotions. It took a while but I got really good at it. I know Robin's at peace now. He was probably blessed and cursed with a mind that went 1000mph. It was probably very difficult to be inside his head. I believe in cognitive therapy; but that is only about 40% effective. The body also has to move the trauma out of the body (animals do this). That's why yoga is a movement that will stimulate our vagal nerve giving us better vagal-tone that helps us with our resilience. Our bodies and minds are complex. Drugs are fine in some situations. In most, it's detrimental. It almost was for me. I share all this because if you know anyone who is suffering, please feel free to send them my way. I'd be happy to talk to them and offer what I did. I don't have the cure for depression or suicidal ideation. I just was one person who found an alternative route to healing. Love to you all and love to Robin.
Many of my friends wrote extremely loving comments to me being brave about opening up and sharing my personal struggle. Here are my following replies:
**I'm deeply touched by your love, friends. Honestly, this was the best thing that ever happen to me. I can't imagine going back to pre-suicidel Kim. Pain can be transformational when the soul is engaged. Even though I was tried and depleted, I'm kind of a fighter. The depression has never returned since 2009 when I started living a mindful life in the present. Sure, I get sad. But usually a long nap, a cookie or two, prayerful mediation, a walk with Rich & Fred and yoga and it passes within a day. Everyone gets sad. It's how we manage that sadness or pain in our bodies and our minds. I didn't have the tools before. Now I do. PLEASE make sure you encourage those who are struggling to trust there is a way to deal with those thoughts. To become free and conscious is what we are created for. We've been conditioned to think that our sadness is our lot in life. No, it's a gift. A gift to teach us how to become free and live in the eternal NOW. to you all.
***This was Kevin's Reply: That's is a good story mom and I'm always here to smack you up side the head and say what the fuck lol. It's funny when I look back at that day when you call me cuz I was walking around out side of the gun range getting ready to shoot, yelling at you, and people looking at me haha. I'm proud of you and how far you have come since then. And even after my own attempt on my life, you stood strong. Terrified but strong lol And helped me though it. And those dark 8 months for me where a learnig experience for me. So thanks again mom. Love you
**My response to Kevin: Aw, Kev, now I'm crying! I love you so much. WE've been through a lot together. You continue to teach me how to become conscious EVERY DAY. You've been God's gift to me to help me grow. (My Kevin from Heaven.) I know, I'm being all mushy mom now!! LOL Pain is real. We all have it. Loss stretches us. But NOW we know how to deal with those thoughts and transform them into something good. We know how to live in the present moment. I'm SO proud of you too, son!!! xoxoxoxoxooxox
More responses by me after friends and family comment. It was a very long thread:
**Lisa, yes feel free to share it. You are so dear. Thank you! I've been blessed to be apart of this family. I love you too. I appreciate your prayers. Uncle Rich, was sent by God to teach me unconditional love. Sure he had a lot to learn how women think haha but all guy do . Beth, yes yes yes, it's important to talk openly about depression openly. I personally don't like the word mental illness (that has negative stigma). To me, it's a mechanical brain issue that has not yet laid down new neuropathways of stable thought. We are so busy in our minds that there is no room for quiet or stillness. We fill this mind up like a computer and it overheats. We need to (in a manor of speaking) delete files that no longer serve us and get out of our heads. If we are past dominate we will struggle with hurt and anger. If we are future dominate we will struggle with living with fear and anxiety. (I was a past dominate thinker.) Learning to live in the moment (like children or animals so naturally teach us) is where our minds are suppose to dwell. But we take on more than we should, holding on to too many thoughts which then engages our emotions and it's a vicious cycle. Taking captive every thought is a biblical principle, but a life principle (we just don't teach this in our schools, churches, or daily lives). We are so attached to our thoughts that we don't want to give them up. We are identified with them. That is where the trouble starts. We all want to be free, but we don't want to do the mindful meditation work. We are the observer of our minds. We can ONLY heal in the present moment. When we witness our thoughts and choose which stay and which go that is when the healing takes place. Blessings to you on your healing path.
**I understand. Religion can be hurtful and cause great confusion. I shared that quote about 'taking captive every thought' because it speaks to many who know it but don't apply it. It's an invitation. I don't need to spiritualize anything to make sense of my mind anymore. In the present moment, I see good in you and in others. If you will forgive me for saying too, "I see the image of God in you too!" But that's me. I see beauty and wonder, creativity, and kindness in you. I truly get why people don't want or need religion. Peace came for me not by prayer (although I'm sure many were praying) but for me, it came through the practice of breath work, meditation, and mindful living (which is a philosophy-a tool and not religious). We all get to choose what speaks to our innate wisdom. Yoga means union. For me, I was overly spiritual and very disconnect with my mind and body. Now, I have some balance between mind, body, and spirit.. I'm glad you've found yours. From my heart, I mean that!
**Agreed, Robyn. Self-medication is when I knew I was in trouble. My body doesn't like meds. I process them too fast or slow (idk) but it's always takes more than normal. Meds mess with the conscious mind and the depleted body. I'm not a fan of meds because they are so easily given out instead of tools that are much more therapeutic and life changing (such as breath work, meditation, movement). Our Western way of dealing with mental illness (another word I'm not a fan of because I don't see it as an illness) is so mechanical. The East uses a more holistic way of treating all medical issues of the mind/body/spirit.
**Joel, just simply start with following the breath. Most of us are not even aware of our breath (and are shallow breathers because of our pain). I did a few kinds of breathing (which is meditation) when I first started:
1) Counting my breath 1-10. Staying with the breath. Not as easy but fun to try and it keeps the mind busy while calming the nervous system.
2) Ocean Breath. I did this at night when I needed to sleep. Listen to the in breath and the out breath. It sounds like the water coming to the shore. Very calming. I used to take hours to get to sleep. Once I learned how to breathe, I am asleep now within 1-2 mins.
3) Follow your thoughts without judgement: Notice them. Be curious. "Oh there is an angry thought. There is an organized thought.
4) Past/Present/Now. Notice how often you are in your head. Again, just notice without judgement or getting hooked into the story. "Thats a sad thought about the past. That is a worry thought about what may or may not happen next week. OH cool, look at the dragonfly hovering above the water. That is a present moment thought. We want to add up MORE present moment thoughts....and train our mind to stay there. That is where the magic happens. .
**I don't disagree that metal illness isn't a stigma. It's the word I have a problem with because I see it (In Kim language as a hiccup in the brain). WE in our society tend to 'identify' with things/roles. It can keep us trapped. Who would be without the 'story' of mental illness? That's NOT who we are. It's what doctors in the West have labeled. Again, for me, personally, I feel the word is over used and keeps people stuck with identification instead of real solutions (besides drugs). There is no shame in the word. My issue is that I refuse to believe that it's like a heart condition that I can't do anything about. WE can!!! Many of us don't because we don't see ourselves outside of the shame of an medical identification. I'm not a doctor. This is just 'Kim'. When they told me that I'd have to deal with managing my depression the rest of my life, my 'intuition' said, "No I won't. Not for the rest of my life. There has to be another way." At the time, I didn't know what the other way was, that was all my innate wisdom was telling me don't believe it. I would not become a label of a depressed person. I'm NOT a depressed person. I had a season where I had no tools to manage depression, sadness, grief. Had I not gotten those tools, I would have remained depressed. Labels (of any kind) keep us from seeing ourselves for who we really are....amazing, wonderful, full of potential souls. If one wants to cling to the word, I'd ask them to question, 'Is it true?"
Michael,sending you a big hug my B.G. brother.
