But at the time, I was going through the hardest year of my life. I had stopped writing all together. I have lots of journals. Deb knows if I die, she has strict orders to get them out of the safe and out of house immediately and fling them into a deep dark lake or burn them. She is also to take my computer, get all the pictures off it, then sweep it clean and toss it into the lake with the journals, just to be on the safe side. I don’t want anyone to see what my most private thoughts are on a bad day. Besides, they are just thoughts; but the person reading them may not think that. It’s not like I’m Emily Dickenson. So you’re not going to find some amazing writing that will be hailed decades later as profound poetry. No, you’ll think, “Man, she was either a firecracker or on crack!” Sure, there is some good stuff there too; I am passionate about those I love and dislike (I really don’t hate anyone). However, I’m not risking rolling over in my grave knowing that anyone would read one paragraph in any of these journals. Besides, there is no spell check with journals!! I’d die again just thinking of someone reading my dyslexic dribble!!
I wondered what would I do with this thoughtful journal from my friend? Would I fill it with more pathetic lamentations? I have a safe full of those kinds of journals. I remembered having dinner with a missionary from Africa whose son had a severe head injury. He told this story how his son lay in the hospital and there was nothing that they could do but wait and pray that the swelling would go down and that he wasn’t brain damaged. In his thick African accent, he told us how he and his wife decided to go bless others out of thanksgiving for what God has done in their life. I was like, “What?” I would have never have left my son’s bedside. I would have been only thinking about my loss, my fears, my desperate prayers, my son. This wise man sensed God reminding him that if he wanted blessings he needs to remember to bless others first. Wow, it was so spiritual. So off he and his wife went to spend time praying with others in the hospital that were also hurting. The blessing of others worked, as God granted his prayers and healed his son who recovered fully. Remembering this story made me realize that I needed to remember to count my blessings one by one. Maybe if I started focusing on what I’m grateful for, I’d feel better? I decided that I would write 5 things each day (or most days) what I’m grateful for. Here are a smattering of actual words on miscellaneous days from 08-to the present.
This is what I wrote for the first time in my new Gratitude Journal on May 1st 2008: I’m grateful for so many blessings. Even when life can be disappointing or difficult (or I can be disappointing or difficult), each day offers something simple to remind me God’s ‘mercy is new everyday’.
1) A sunny day.
2) Fred let me sleep in.
3) Loving friends.
4) A Myspace message from Carrie (remember Myspace?).
5) Losing 6 pounds.
There are a few themes that are threaded throughout the years: sunny days, Fred, yoga, squirrels, and birds, time with Rich, loving friends, and losing weight.
But there are other things that altered the path of my life.
June 1st 2008
1) Kevin talked to me during a dark period. He was bold, wise, and caring. He told me I needed to live in the present and stop dwelling on the past, meditate, go live life. (That conversation changed my life!)
2) My brother Mike sent me voice mails that were thoughtful, and one funny email.
3) Rich’s text.
4) Talking to Thomas & Ellen.
5) Rich got me a new bike.
I got through 2008 and learned gratitude was the way to heal.
January 7th 2009
1) Couldn’t sleep-had a great prayer time.
2) Worked out early-not easy but I’m doing it.
3) Wrote a blog on Israel and Gaza conflict.
4) Psalm 103: 1-6.
5) Jessie Barton got on Facebook. It made my day! She lives in TN. She is a dear friend I miss.
September 23rd 2009
1) Accepting Change –Like fall is here.
2) Squirrels.
3) Mindful Eating.
4) Knee braces & MRI’s (After our car accident 3 weeks earlier).
5) Walk around the block with Fred.
As time went on, I grew to have a deep sense of appreciation for just about everything.
April 22nd 2010
1) Mornings when I can putz around.
2) Sushi w/Kimmie Reuter-love that girl! Laughter!
3) Yoga + 14 mile bike ride.
4) Awareness.
5) A husband who is so helpful in every area of my life.
If we had breakfast, lunch or dinner, or talked on the phone, or exchanged a great email, it often ended up in my gratitude journal. How I did so much on some days is a wonder, but I’m grateful I did.
June 22nd 2010
1) Bing Cherries.
2) Hot walk w/Patti at Moraine State Park.
3) Yoga outside.
4) Encouraging email from Steve McNitt on my writing.
5) Sitting at Crystal Lake on a bench watching the sun set. Peaceful!!
Sept 7th 2010
1) Day at the Races with Ralph & Patti.
2) Wonderful/helpful neighbors.
3) BG Days-laughing with old friends.
4) Get yoga studio ready.
5) Dog walk with Fred on this glorious day!
Dec 22nd 2010
1) Sarah’s wedding was lovely.
2) Dancing with my hubby.
3) Going to the movies w/Kevin.
4) Nice evening with Adam & Carrie and April & Ben and the boys.
5) Girlfriends like Pam Story who really knows what I really needed for Christmas. So she sent me 2 martini glasses, a lime, and all the alcohol fixings for Cosmos(+ the recipe).
The years roll on. Some days the things that I’m grateful for are light and airy words. Some days are harder, but what happens mattered, and I’m grateful for the good things.
March 13th 2011
1) Morning yoga by myself.
2) Song: Let it Be….there will be an answer…let it be!
3) Too fun: Beatles Rock Band w/Mike & Chris (my brother & sister in law) Our band’s name: Wii-suck.
4) Great Mexican Dinner at La Hacienda in Roselle.
5) Talking w/Kevin 2 hours-Hard to hear him in so much pain (so honest, raw, and pure). Grateful he is letting me in. I pray for peace and for sleep to come to him soon.
March 19th 2011
1) Brain cells to study and remember.
2) 3 mile walk by myself-contemplative.
3) SUN! I can’t get enough of it.
4) Birds-they fill in the space of silence. Perfect!
5) Interfaith prayer service for Japan. It was an honor to pray with others whose hearts are touched by all the devastation Japan is going though. One God created us all. One God can heal us all too!
July 4th 2011
1) Seeing Kevin process his grief.
2) Danny helping me get gun from Kevin.
3) Walking along the beach in the morning.
4) Home for Parade & Dinner w/ Jones on the patio.
5) Hanging out at Crystal Lake Fest with Mike and Chris listening to Beatles cover band.
There are more random, mundane moments that I’m so grateful for too.
August 13th 2011
1) Talked to Kevin for 45 mins-love that kid.
2) Passing my MAS 139 test-Thank you brain cells.
3) Connecting w/Chicks to plan another 50th birthday celebration.
4) Lake Geneva again-never gets old.
5) Hammock in a tree overlooking the lake studying-AWESOME!
August 22nd 2011
1) The rare hummingbird appearance.
2) Patio Dinners w/neighbors.
3) 14 mile bike ride this morning.
4) Peaches & Cream.
5) My adoring husband.
November 22nd.
1) Sleeping in
2) Rainy days that keep me inside
3) Cleaning and Organizing
4) Done with 200 hours Yoga RYT
5) Reflecting on the amazing painting of me, God, and Kevin that Jessie created and sent me.
If I should die, I wouldn’t want anyone to read my old ‘poor me’ journals. I don’t write like that very often anymore. I want this gratitude journal to go to Kevin. Why? It’s the most priceless thing I own. It captures my simple heart and my simple joys and all the amazing people who God has brought into my life who have made a difference to me. No matter what life brings good or bad, I’ve learned there is always something to be thankful for. Thank you Deb for giving me one more journal.
And on this eve of Thanksgiving, I am especially grateful that Kevin who is here and has fought the good fight during his difficult year; for allowing me to write about it (more to come). I’m proud of you. Your mama loves you!
