SON OF A…B*tch!! That reaction came out of me while trying to pry open a lid on a can that caused me to chip a nail. I have this rule, no matter how long my nails are, if I break one, they all get clipped. My husband Rich was standing there when I slammed the can on the counter and stormed off to get the nail clippers. If I was by myself I may have not recognized how ridiculous I sounded. While clipping the remaining nine nails, I laughed to myself at my reaction to such a small thing in life. I'm sure God even looked down and thought, "Really Kim?" It's not the swearing so much as the reaction. What is it that causes us to react to such things? There are small reactions and big reactions. However, I’ve been known to occasionally have nuclear reactions. There are positive reactions too, but I’ll speak into the ones that create unnecessary stress to my self and even those around me. Rich has been reading a book by Robert Sutton, a Stanford professor called the 'No Asshole Rule'. The book is about not hiring jerks in your organization. Simply put, the rule is 'you can have an asshole but don't be one'. Lately, I’ve been more aware of how much I react over things.
Rich’s mom, my mother-in-law, Evelyn, never had a ticket and always went the speed limit, and stayed in the right lane. It’s safe to say that she probably never flipped anyone off either. She was a safe driver. She was also a little scared and didn’t like to drive on the toll-ways. I don’t blame her, I don’t like to either. Some of those people are crazy (you know who you are!). She was a good driving role model for me—for all of us in the family. I used to be one of those crazy drivers before I realized that it only increases my car insurance when I got a ticket. And at my age, smiling doesn’t get me out of tickets anymore.
Nowadays, I’m pretty mellow in traffic. I can’t remember when the last time I reacted and flipped anyone off. I drive no more than 9 miles over the speed limit on the highway, 5 miles around town. I’ve only had 1 ticket in the last 20 years, and that was for rolling through a stop sign because of being distracted on the phone. I’m typically always in the right hand lane (less people flipping me off). I’m just not in a hurry. I leave early and give myself plenty of space and time. I’ll get to wherever I’m going when I get there. The reason being, the older I get, the more people I know who have gotten hurt or died. Car accident statistics scared the Mario Andretti out of me. In a study by Froedtert & Medical College of Wisconsin, 90% of respondents say either they themselves or someone they know, family or friend, have experienced the effects of a car crash. However, 56% didn’t change their driving habits because of the crash. Now, I take my time in traffic. Look around for yourself, people are talking on the phone, texting, or off in their head not paying full attention. We all know what that’s like—going from point A to point B and wondering how we got there: The automatic pilot in our brains.
I was in local traffic behind a gray Jeep. The light turned green and we all started to move through the intersection. A sporty red car made a quick right turn into our lane and cut in front of the guy in the Jeep. It was a close one. Mr. Jeep was waving his arms and shouting. Fingers were flying everywhere. For the next half a mile Mr. Jeep was hammering on his horn and just about slammed into Mr. Sporty Red Car’s bumper. Just like in Kindergarten, Mr. Jeep did not think it was fair that Mr. Sporty Red Car cut in front of the traffic line. I sensed that this could get ugly and gave myself some distance behind Mr. Jeep. I’m glad I did because Mr. Jeep wasn’t going to let this go. He swerved into the left lane (still yelling) and then sped up to swerve back into the right lane now in front of Mr. Sporty Red Car. I could have predicted this was coming, Mr. Jeep slammed on the breaks in front of Mr. Sporty Red Car and came to a complete stop. He opened the door and abandoned his car in the middle of traffic. My pulse was racing. Mr. Jeep was about 30-ish and rushed out ready for a fight. His arms were flailing and all the other cars around stopped. This is the part where things go in slow motion and I wait for him to brandish a gun. No gun. Thank God! His rage was verbal. It appeared that Mr. Red Car would be trapped with cars on all sides, but as luck would have it, there was a lane to his right so he turned into a shopping mall. He veered into the open shopping exit lane then around Mr. Jeep’s parked car, and then sped off. It was an impressive move. Mr. Jeep was not happy and took off after Mr. Sporty Red Car again. Even though Mr. Sporty Red Car started this, we all learned as kids the saying: Two wrongs don’t make a right.
At this point I decided I was done with this drama since it was now 100 yards ahead of me. Even if I wanted to keep up, I’d have to speed up. And that’s not going to happen unless someone is in my backseat bleeding. I wasn’t to get a ticket over these two maniacs. Besides, Mr. Sporty Red Car had some decent driving skills to escape if necessary. As I turned off onto another street I thought, I wonder if Mr. Jeep knew what a complete ass he made of himself? I’m sure boiling adrenalin was coursing through him creating this chemical response to rage. The funny thing is I’m sure if his grandma was in the car, he could have controlled that nuclear reaction. Sometimes we have a moral compass as to how we’re going to react with some choices.
We’ve all done it at some point-reacted acted like a complete fool. Anger changes your brain chemistry. The one thing Mr. Jeep wasn’t able to do in that moment was inquire or recognize his own hypocrisy. His reptilian brain had kicked into fight mode. I’d bet my life Mr. Jeep has at some time in the last 10 or 15 years since he’s been driving, cut someone off accidently or on purpose. Yet he acted like Mr. Sporty Red Car just committed the unpardonable driving sin. True, it was a bad choice on Red’s part. But I wanted to say, “Come on buddy, dial it down, think about it. Haven’t you made a quick turn into a lane in front of someone almost creating an accident too? My guess is his reactions are a pattern in his life. He probably thinks he’s entitled to rage when someone else moves into his lane(s) of life.
Recently I learned something that’s literally mind-boggling from Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, a neuroanatomist, who studies the brain. In her book, My Stroke of Insight, she says there is scientific evidence showing that the life span of any particular emotion is only one and a half minutes. After that, we keep the emotion going by reviving the emotion with our thoughts. Ponder that thought for a while! How much precious energy and time have you wasted keeping those feelings going by thinking about it over and over and over?
I know Mr. Jeep well because I’ve acted like him in my own way(s) over the years. Sometimes they are big reactions, like yelling at someone because they almost caused me harm; sometimes they are small ones like when I chip a nail and swear like it's the worst thing in the world that is happening in that moment. Both are kind of embarrassing when I finally realize I too need to dial it down sometimes. But the only way to do this (I’m learning) is practice mindfulness. Staying in the present moment (instead of in my head) has helped me become more aware of coming to my senses sooner than later. If I take 90 seconds (or more) to sit with the emotion--without reacting--its hurricane force will subside and I can respond like a human rather than, um, an A**hole. :-D
