50 Shades Of Gray

~Conversation over lunch~

Friend: What’s new? [She tries to divert her eyes from the thick streak of sliver gray blazing down the center of my head].

Me: I’m going gray. [Might as well cut to the chase].

Friend:  I can see that. I was wondering when you were going to get your hair dyed?

Me: Oh, I’m not going to dye my hair ever again.

Friend: [blank stare at the top of my head]

Me: [chuckling]

Friend: You’re too young to go gray, Kim.

Me: I already am gray. I’ve just been hiding it for the last 30 years.

Friend: Me too.

Me: I can’t dye my hair anymore. I’ve had a severe reaction to the dye the last 6 times I’ve dyed my hair. My body has spoken.

Friend: That’s awful.

Me: The reaction was physically horrible, but it was more emotionally painful. You know, when my friend Mary had cancer last year, her color came back white and glorious. Oh my God, she looked more beautiful then ever. If I had cancer, losing my hair or going gray would be a no brainer. I wouldn’t think twice.

Friend: That’s true.

Me: It was agonizing to come to grips with going gray at first. There was weeping and gnashing of teeth because I couldn’t imagine being 50 and all gray.  And my hair may not look as stunning as Mary’s hair. What will people say? What will Rich think?

Friend: He will love you no matter how you look [as if the poor guy had no choice.]

Me: I’m not my grandmother. I’m cool.

Friend: Isn’t there something you can do? You can’t go gray.

Me: No. It’s time to look my age. I’m 50.

Friend: There are natural dyes and hennas.

Me: My gray is so stubborn it wouldn’t cover well or look very natural and would fade quickly. Besides, who am I kidding? Everyone will notice sooner or later. You have no idea what I was doing by week three after dying my hair. The roots were already showing. So I had to use a brown hair color pen and then dust it with brown eye shadow. That was on the days I wasn’t wearing a hat. It’s ridiculous what I was doing to prevent anyone from seeing a single gray hair.

Friend: Is that why you wear hats all the time?

Me: No, I’m a hat girl. Some days I’m just lazy.

Friend: Some women can pull off gray well; others look terrible.

 Me: [Noticing my inner defensiveness to her fearful projections about going gray hair.] I am actually at peace about it.

Friend: I could never go gray now. My husband wouldn’t like me looking like his mother.

Me: Well, I don’t look like my mother; I look like my grandmother. She had elegant white hair; I’m hoping I get her silver white hair gene like my brother and my dad.

Friend: So are you going to cut your hair off soon?

Me: There are three options: 1) Buzz it off now and let it grow in. 2) Let it grow out 5-months and then do a pixie cut. 3) Or let it grow out entirely, having two-tone hair for the next 18 months.  I’m going with the last option.

Friend: [Blank Stare]

Me: That is the option I’ve decided to do. Many women do it; kind of a reverse Ombre look. I know myself, if I cut it to a pixie cut, I will never have long hair again.

Friend: But you look cute with short hair [trying to talk me out of doing the long haired two-tone-grow-out-look].

Me: I was worried what other people would think. But I realize it will be a good Zen practice ‘not to care’ what other people think. I teach that, right? What other people think of me is none of my business. 


Friend: That’s hard to do.

Me: It will look odd at first; as if I got adult braces. Some people will judge with their eyes.  I’ll notice and try not to take it personally. The transition will be like18-months of people looking at my two-toned head instead of looking at braces on my teeth. After that, everyone will be used to it. Maybe I should get braces too to mess with their minds? Besides, I am more than my hair, right?

Friend: So, you’re going to have long gray hair? [Again with the doubting]

Me: I don’t want to be the stereotype old gray hair lady with short hair. I know others who look great with short gray hair. I want to rock long gray hair. By the mercy of God, I found (on Pinterest) pictures of beautiful women in there 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, who have long gray hair. I would have never thought it possible. [Whipping out my phone showing her a picture of Sara Davis Eisenmen…the most gorgeous silver beauty.] 

Friend: She is gorgeous.

Me: I know! I’m learning as I go in this process that silver is just another color of hair. And speaking of process, the chemicals that we put on our hair are frightening. They may not cause brain cancer (that we know of), but they are petroleum based tar products that are endocrine inhibitors. Endocrine inhibitors mess with the hormones. Phenylendiamine PPD is bad stuff for the body (even listed on many non-permanent ‘natural’ products.) This is probably why my hair was falling out and eyebrows were thinning. It’s stopped shedding in clumps since I’ve stopped dying two months ago.

Friend: Really?

Me: Really! We don’t want to eat GMO’s in our food. Poison in our drinks (like diet pop). We want to go green when we use chemicals to clean our house.  We want natural creams for our skin but we’ll put this toxic poison on our porous heads.

Friend: I’m not going gray with you, Kim!

Me: [laughing] I get it. I am the last person who ever wanted to go gray. I used to say, ‘if you are my true friend, and I’m unconscious in the hospital, when I wake up, my gray hair better be covered.’

Friend: I know. I can’t believe you of all people are going gray.

Me: I honor the hair color dye choices of other women. I have moments where fear creeps in (it’s part of letting go). I find myself kind of mildly obsessing looking at brown haired dyed brunettes who walk passed me.

Friend: I can tell this is a big deal for you.

Me: There are a few things that I’ve got complete clarity about: 1) there is a huge ageism issue out there about women and gray hair. In spite of that, gray hair is not a blow to my self-esteem or womanhood. 2) That coloring our hair is not safe. 3) Gray or silver is just another color. 4) I want to be an example about how to ‘do this aging thing’ well.

Friend: Men have issues around gray hair too. It’s pressure to have to look younger in our society.

Me: We’re not young anymore. And we've created this false vanity society, not men.

Friend: Men want younger women. That’s a fact.

Me: Is it?

Friend: Companies want younger women. Women who let their hair go gray are seen as giving up.

Me: I hear ya! I’ve been confronted by my own fearful past thoughts about gray haired women and aging. I cringe when I think about it. I was so afraid. I went up to a woman, about my age, at the store last week and told her I loved the color of her silver gray hair.

Friend: That was nice of you.

Me: It felt right. I had no idea how painful and scary this process is for women to go gray until I had to do it myself. I see them as brave and honest.

Friend: Kim, you’ll look great. You have a young face. You always have.

Me: I never knew how attached I was to that praise my whole life: “You have a 28 year old son? You look so young! You can’t be _____fill in the age.” I wasn’t a magazine beauty, but I looked young. And you know what? I loved being told that. I’m not going to get that praise anymore. I had no idea how people’s kind words would set me up to feel bad about myself at the thought of going gray. Sad, huh?

Friend: Everyone will still praise you.

Me: [Laughing] I’m not looking for praise anymore. I’m so glad I faced my fears. I feel empowered. I’m excited that in 18-months I’m going to be truly me; All 50 shades of gray.

Friend: You go girl. Look out!!!

Me: No more pretending. God has given me silver highlights. Now, I look in the mirror and whisper to my silver gray hair, “Hurry up and grow!”

Friend: You are handling this well.

Me: Rich has been beyond supportive.

Friend: He always is. 


Me: He’s helped me process this metamorphosis. Really, I’d like to be one of those women who help change the conversation on the stereotype of gray hair. I’ve met some amazing ladies on a closed Facebook group called Gray and Proud. Oh my gosh, these women talked me off a ledge. They are stunning, sassy, fearless, and full of solidarity for being natural and healthy. And I’m not talking Granola Types who only make soap. I’m talking everyone from models to moms.  


Friend: [laughing] Have you started making soap yet?

Me: Not yet [laughing]. The process of going gray is misunderstood in our society. We’ve created a culture of fear around getting old and looking old. In our quest to stay young there is a beauty industry that promotes fear and prays on our vanity. And it may be at the expense of our health too? My own hair stylist admitted to me that she was in the business of coloring hair; that’s how she makes her money. She knows there are PPD chemicals in the dye. Yet, she doesn’t want to or can’t discourage women to stop coloring their hair; it’s her livelihood.

Friend: It’s really crazy what we do to maintain our youth.

Me: Isn’t it interesting how we don’t put that kind of pressure on men?  We gift them the freedom to go gray naturally without pressure to meet our expectation of youth. And we love them and accept them.  Even call them silver foxes or distinguished.

Friend: That’s for sure. I love my husband’s gray.

Me: Me too.

Friend: Are you going to continue to let others see your silver gray hair while you grow it out? Or are you going to cover it up. [Ah, the gray elephant in the room].

Me: Depends. If you see it, then I feel comfortable with you and don’t care what you think. I’m letting my yoga students see it. If I think people are going to judge, I may wear a hat. But then again, I’m lazy and will wear a hat even if I don’t think someone will judge me. Actually, I’ll play it by ear. I do know that if I go to a wedding or have a special event, I’ll probably wear a cute hat to match a cute outfit. Which means I have a great excuse to go shopping. So, I’m happy.

Friend: I’m on your side. I can see you all silvery and glowing.

Me: Thank you.

Friend: How can I support you?

Me: Sometimes, I wish I had bigger boobs so people wouldn’t look at my hair.

Friend: Then you’d need a support push up bra.

Me: [Laughing] Right, one more thing to pretend I’m something I’m not. Seriously, in the meantime, keep reminding me NOT to cut my long hair; tell me to hang in there during the awkward two toned grow-out-transition over the next year or two. And if you see a cute hat, buy it for my birthday.