When there is suffering, there is some kind of illusion that is believed as truth; there is the belief that there is something to fear in this moment and that our resistance to that will save us. ~Ellen Davis
I have a lot on my mind lately. That is not a good thing.
When I have a lot on my mind it means there are surges of all sorts of emotions
that come with a busy mind. Anxious thoughts breed emotions and some of those
emotions don’t feel good. Between my solar plexus and my heart there is a space
that feels like it’s been punched. It’s a direct physical response to what I’ve
been thinking about lately (actually the last 6 months).
I promised myself that I would never write about anyone out of
anger (although it would make for a better story). But if I’m sad, confused,
happy, or contemplative, all bets are off. It may seem like I’m angry because I
convey my feelings; I’m not. I hid for too may years out of fear—worrying about
what everyone thought if I shared my experiences. I won’t do that anymore. It
may make others angry because I dare to be open when others want me to be
quiet. I know that others may have unspoken rules about what I should or
shouldn’t do. Those that know and love me well know I’ve never played by the
rules (most of the time). Since life is life, after the preverbal shit hits the
fan, I’ll usually write frankly about the (process) messy stuff of life and
God’s eternal deposits of blessings and grace after the dust settles. It may
not be everyone’s path to process candidly, but it’s mine. And I won’t
apologize for being me—even if we disagree.
The sorrow I am
experiencing lately is just a reality of something that is beyond my control.
There has been a falling-out of important relationship(s) in my life. I have
lost other relationships in the past but they were usually toxic, complicated,
unbalanced in devotion, not healthy or sustainable. Losing Rich or Kevin would
be the worst thing for me to deal with in my life. Losing these friends was
third on my ‘oh my god, I couldn’t handle that’ list. In fact, if you really
knew me, I used to think if something bad did happened to Rich or Kevin, I’d be
okay because I had the love and support of these dear friendships. But the
unthinkable happen.
It is heart wrenching losing dear friendship(s) who matter
to you; people you’ve invested in, told stories over wine, shared secrets with,
stood in waiting rooms together, prayed together like there is no tomorrow,
opened your soul to, laughed, cried, and peed your pants with, for the better
part of 18 years. Nobody has died per se, only the friendship of best friends
has ended. Have you experienced this before? How did you deal with it? I’m not
doing too well. Some days are better than others. When I’m by myself with
nothing to do its the hardest. Right now going to Kohl’s, wearing Brighton
Jewelry, and being at a restaurant seeing girlfriends laughing around a table
makes the heavy feeling in my chest unbearable.
So what’s a girl to do after she’s essentially been told to
take her Barbie Dolls and go home? After praying on my knees, in my car, on my
walks, silently in the middle of stores, there was only one think I could do:
Practice Mindfulness.
Mindfulness is thousands of years old. But the science of
Mindfulness is a proactive tool that doctors at Mayo and pain clinics all over
the world are now using. I learned about mindfulness about 4 years ago when I
was in a heap of pain in 2008. Mindfulness isn’t just a means of getting out of
pain; it’s a way of life. There are wonderful ways in which mindfulness can
enhance your life and make if more techno color and exciting—because you are
finally fully awake (awake to both enjoyable and painful emotions). And conversely, if you don’t implement mindfulness on a
daily basis, you won’t experience joy, reduce pain, eliminate stress, heal the
body, or calm the mind.
In order to heal, it’s necessary to meditate and cultivate mindfulness as a way of being (thank you Kevin for that life changing tip).
Jon Kabat-Zinn, Professor of Medicine Emeritus and founder of the Stress
Reduction Clinic and Center for Mindfulness in Medicine says that mindfulness is ‘paying attention, on purpose, in the
present moment, as if your life depended on it (because it does), without
judgment’.
Mindfulness is about being ‘aware’ of what is going on in
your mind without judgment. It’s understanding there are several forms of
mind-states that can poison our soul: greed (any form of wanting more), hate (any
form of anger), and delusion (the opposite of wisdom-not seeing clearly). I
teach mindfulness to my yoga students. Breath-work and awareness of the mind,
body, and spirit in the present moment is the cornerstone of yoga. Most of the
time we are on automatic pilot with an ever-present narrator who’s the worst
critic of every action in our lives. You know that mean-spirited voice in your
head that’s always judging you? Some days I’d like a lobotomy. I get why people
drink and do drugs to numb themselves. Actually, we just want to have control
over those wild emotions when life isn’t fair or overwhelming. There is
no way to shut it off or empty the mind completely; even when we are sleeping
our mind is active. And why would you want to shut off the mind? The mind is
pretty handy to have around except when you are in physical or emotional pain.
We just need to learn how to harness those thoughts and turn the volume down.
At its core, mindfulness is about cultivating compassion towards yourself and
others in the present moment.
Beneath the story of all that is happening in this saga of
mine, are all sorts of attachments to how things should have turned out. We all
have our opinions and beliefs that make us justify our emotions and actions.
Our triggers and reactions are usually justified, right? Wrong! Oh let me be
clear, it’s okay to have feelings. I have plenty of them on any given day
(especially every 26th days of my cycle). But holding on to emotions
means I’ve become trapped in the ‘should’ story: This should have happened this
way! It’s a slippery slope to feeling like you are right and they are wrong.
Feeling the feelings (prayerfully without judgment) is the key to honest,
mindful reflection.
I’ll tell you what it feels like to get out of that mental
and emotional prison. Take a deep breath in, feel it. Hold it for a moment,
feel it. Then exhale slowly, really slow, and feel it. That one moment with
awareness only on your breath can become pure bliss (a refuge) with your
attention on the present moment. No story. No need to defend yourself. No
sadness or loss. No striving. Just breathing and being. If you didn’t get it
the first time, try it again, and then again. I think I’ve had to do it a
thousand times since last November.
So you’re thinking, ‘Okay Kim, that’s a great idea’. I’ll be
more mindful and less judgmental. I’ll start today. Not so fast. It’s not a
dime store technique as Kabat-Zinn says; it’s so much more. Practicing
mindfulness really means I have to watch what’s going on in my head on a regular basis ‘all throughout’ the
day—on good days and bad days.
I’m still aware
that I’m very attached to the un-reconciled hurt feelings. My friends have
chosen not to reconcile or talk openly with me about what happen. That is their
right to choose that path. I honor that even though I don’t like it. Inhale
Kim….hold it….exhale slowly. This grief won’t last forever. I won’t let it.
There are flowers to smell and observe. There are walks to take and lakes to
sit by. I can stop playing this imaginary conversation I’ll never have with my friends over and over in my head. (Do you do that or am I the only one who talks to herself?) There are new bottles of wine to uncork and more
laughter around the corner.
It’s important to get out of the old story. Did you
know it’s our birthright? Redemption is God’s story of do-overs. It’s the
reason for our existence. I won’t let my own mind hold me confined to my past.
I just won’t.
We are told in the bible to 'take captive' every thought. Not
just ‘some’ thoughts, but ‘every’ thought. Really? Every thought? Is that even possible or reasonable? What are you asking of me God? My guess is you want something
good for me, right? Something I can’t even contemplate because I’m too busy holding onto (my)
thoughts.
I don’t get a
free pass that it’s okay to think some unproductive thoughts just because I
think I have the corner on the truth. The body will let your brain know how
you’re doing with this (unless of course you are in complete denial about how
you feel). It’s okay to feel the hurt, the loss, the anger, and the empty hole
in your heart. Feel what you feel. We are human. Jesus said, “You shall know the truth and the truth shall
set you free.” It’s not so much about me looking at others and what they are
doing (in order to shore up my defense). It’s about me looking at how I am
processing things—is it healthy, is it loving? I haven't always felt healthy or loving the last 6 months. I have reacted out of fear of loss. It takes intention to open up to
knowing the truth of one’s self.
By observing the mind for 5 seconds, 5 minutes, or 50
minutes (which is hard to pull off unless you are the Dalai Lama) you bring
wisdom and clarity to your understanding of the mind. I do it 5 minutes at a
time-I even have a Mindfulness App with a timer on my phone. I’ll ask myself
after paying attention to my thoughts, where am I feeling it in my body? What
kind of storm of unhappiness am I creating by being attached to the story that
happen two months ago, two days ago, two hours ago? Is what I’m thinking really
true? It’s a ruthless inspection of the mind. Beneath the story, everything is
perfect in the present moment, timeless. I am whole!
The fact that we feel like our guts are going to spill out
when we lose someone we loved means that they were important to us to begin
with. However, if I hold on too long to those attachments, feelings, beliefs,
or opinions it makes me miserable. I know better. I know what it’s like to get
out from underneath the story of self. And by self I mean protecting my own
interests (me, my, mine kind of thinking) so I don’t feel bad about myself. When I ‘LET
GO’ its pure freedom! And while I can’t change what happens, there is a way out
of the ‘I’m right and they are wrong’ wilderness; the Beatles and God encourage
me to meditate on this: all you need is
love. And like Jon Kabat-Zinn stated, your life depends on it.
The kind of life you want to have depends on you: one of
peace and love or one of sorrow, angst, and unforgiveness? By watching those
busy thoughts I can see what my mind is up to lately. I can identify what happening in different mind-states (without attachment). I can let thoughts (good, bad, or ugly) pass on by, as it they were a piece of paper on top of the continual stream. I just watch the
thought pass without judgment or narrative. I have a lot of years under my hat
of naturally reacting to thoughts and feelings. I have to WORK HARD to hold
myself back from jumping in the mind-stream and take those thoughts back ‘as
mine’. I have to remember that licking my wounds or regurgitating those
thoughts and feelings won’t convince me that I am acceptable. I already am
acceptable! By not getting hooked by those misguided repetitive thoughts, by
breathing in and out, by feeling and acknowledging what’s on my mind, the mind
quiets down. EVERYTHING looks better when I take the time to be mindful and breathe.
The truth is when I am mindful it’s okay even when it doesn’t feel okay.
Happiness is not the goal; we all know happiness is
fleeting. However peace within our body, soul, and mind is sustainable with
practice. The Bible encourages mindfulness: be
still and know I am God! In the Torah it says: You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to
desist from it. So in a way there is the work of doing nothing to be done. Ponder
that! Luckily, I once read that mindfulness is the ultimate mobile device. All
we need is our mind to find peace. All we have to do is witness what is
happening in our thoughts then let it go, and then come back to the breath.
I’m setting everyone and myself free. On a walk with Fred
today I had a few mindful moments. The light from the sun was shining in my
eyes. I felt the duel sensations of both the static warmth and the cool breeze
on my skin. I listened to the dogs in the neighborhood bark. I smelled a lilac
bush in the air. I watched a bird fly from one branch to another. I thought of
Fred who was pulling on the leash to get closer to the barking dog. “I bet you don’t get caught up in any
stories buddy? You just do what you were meant to do, sniff and notice what’s
happening right now.” I laughed at the absurdity of holding Fred’s leash
tighter (just like trying to hold on tight to friendships that are ending).
There is only One-way to Joy and Peace: let go and love even
when others don’t want to reconcile. The more I thought about the hurt story
that happen between my dear friend(s) and me didn’t matter one iota in that
mindful moment. One step at a time, walking, feeling my feet connect to the
earth, I recognized that I was alive and all is well with my soul. I mindfully
noticed a loving, peaceful, hypothetical conversational in my head that I was
having with my friend(s). I laughed and practically said this out loud: ‘I don’t care anymore who said or did what,
who didn’t come through, who thinks whatever. I don’t even care if you ever
speak to me ever again. I love you chick(s) and let you go. You need to do
what’s best for you. If not speaking openly to me is what’s best, than I truly
want that for you. If it brings you peace, then peace be with you. You can be
right. I can be wrong (I am wrong more then I realize). I don’t need to be
understood anymore. It doesn’t really matter to me (probably doesn’t even
matter to God each of us trying to justify our point of view). At the end of
the day it’s all ego. And in this glorious present moment, it’ now officially
in the past!’
Duly noted
mind! I like the ‘Way’ you are going with this line of thinking and feeling. I
have to accept things as they are, even when things don’t turn out as I hoped.
There is a saying I once heard that southern church ladies say when all seems
lost, ‘I’m just working on my testimony.’
