The Universe Had My Back

I don’t want to get all Woo Woo, but I think the Universe had my back last week. 

We had been planning a trip to Chicago for three months. It had been two years since I moved to Florida and went back home for a visit. (Rich has gone back several times for business.) I was thrilled and couldn’t wait to see everyone. Yet, I observed trying to plan out an agenda that I had more anxiety over my return than excitement.

I have always had a trace of social anxiety. I never fully noticed it, or understood it, until I moved away. Unless a party or event was held at my house, I wanted to bail out of going. Many times I did (especially when it came to large family gatherings). It's crazy because I love a good party. But I like being the hostess more because it kept me distracted from those reticent fears. I’ve learned that my need to feel accepted by everyone often set me up for social anxiety: Who will talk to me? Will someone not talk to me because they feel disappointed in me again? Will I have to do all the talking? Why is everyone talking all at once? I can't concentrate. Belonging is a big issue. Will anyone take my picture because they want to include me? Will they post the worst picture of me looking fat or rolling my eyes? With the advent of tagging pictures in Facebook, my social anxiety amplified. Even with people I love spending time with, I have fears—in some ways, the greatest fears. It’s easier for me to be around strangers. Do you feel that way too? 

You’d never know it; I seem quite extroverted.  Secretly, I’d wish that I came down with the bubonic plague just so I’d have a legit excuse to not go to a party or holiday. Somewhere deep down, there was this irrational part of me that has always felt profoundly rejected or misunderstood (even by people I think like me or know me). I bought into those limited-beliefs. Prayer and Meditation has helped me to notice my insecurities without being too hard on myself. I recognize when those social fears bubble up. I take a few stabilizing breaths. I question my stressful thoughts. I notice when I'm projecting onto others. It’s freeing to honor my fears and have a better relationship with my feelings. I do a much better job of getting out of my head nowadays.

Yet, as the trip to Chicago got closer, I was feeling mild panic. How am I going to see all the people I missed? I have to balance family time and friend time. Watching the news, I sorta thought that Donald Trump was going to get us in a nuclear war with North Korea. On the upside, I’d be off the hook and wouldn’t have to disappoint anyone or feel these anxious feelings anymore.

A few weeks before my trip, this brilliant thought came to me: Only schedule time with those that have kept in touch with you 3x via phone or email (Facebook didn’t count). That narrowed down whom I’d have to see.  I instantly felt lighter. I thanked God for the inspiration and finally started putting together an agenda.

The day we flew to Chicago, I surrendered all outcomes of this trip. I did what I needed to do to give myself boundaries to help with my social anxiety.

I put out an initial Facebook apology that I couldn’t see everyone the day we left (because, I haven’t fully recovered from my people-pleasing addiction).  

I entered into this week in Chicago like it was the last trip I’d ever take. I got on the plane and put my headphones on, jammed to the music, and started to color in my coloring book (I mean meditate). Nothing in my sprit was fearful. It was the most peaceful flight I ever took. 

We truly enjoyed seeing old friends and family. Even got to see a rare eclipse with my brother. I also was grateful for simple things I missed: Midwestern trees, wild flowers, red cardinals, and cooler weather. It felt great to walk barefoot in the soft grass without fire ants biting me. Vegan Lou Malnati’s Pizza, yes, we made it happen. And when did Route 90 get completed?

Watching Eclipse with at Mike's house

I was fully present with everyone. I let go of all expectations of others. Our trip was full of grace and synchronicity. I felt the most at ease with others and within myself than I ever have. Things just came together (and even had a few happy surprises and conversations).

Rich and I kept saying to each other, “This has been the most unique trip.” It was as if God was using the intricate woven, matrix Universe to create all these positive experiences for us to relish. It felt personal. It was all happening ‘for us’ and not just to us. Boundaries, surrender, and present moment living made all this difference.