When I left Chicago after 52 years, I did a goodbye tour. I said goodbye to all my favorite places. I said goodbye to all my favorite friends. My sister-in-law, Patti, and I got together at a bistro; it was my goodbye dinner with her. Over the decades, we spent many lunch and dinners together and marathon phone calls. We grew up together as adults. She knew my good, bad, and ugly and loved me. And vice versa.
One of the last things she said to me after we hugged goodbye, as I was walking to my car, "Good luck making friends." My first thought was I've never had a hard time making friends. I was blessed throughout my lifetime with incredible friends; I considered my sister-in-law one of them. The story I told myself in my head was she was cursing me for leaving. But she wasn't. She knew something I was naive about: as we get older, as our life ebbs and flows, as we move or transition, it's harder and harder to make good friends. My sister-in-law is famous for a few things: her chocolate chip cookies, being direct and being right. She was so right. And it crushed me when I moved to Florida.
My first few years in Vero Beach, I only made a few friends. But they had busy, important lives. They had longer established friendship circles that I didn't fit in with. I felt suffocatingly lonely. When I'd go to a coffee shop I'd look for someone my age (Vero is an older demographic). I'd pray she would look my way so we could make a connection and have a conversation. I was pathetic. Vero Beach was a lovely town, but I just didn't feel like I belonged. I didn't feel known. It was a conservative (religiously and politically) town. But it wasn't for lack of trying. I put myself out there all the time.
Sometimes I wanted to put an ad in the newspaper: Looking for close friends: Must be a compassionate, nice person. Must love and care about your flawed kids, husband, partner, friends. Must not have too much drama in your life. If you do, you must be actively working on your own stuff. I'll work on mine, you work on yours. Must be spiritual but not religious. Must be solution oriented. Must lift up women. Must not be a mean gossiping bitch. If you can't say something to someone else's face, don't tell me about it. If you need support trying to figure out how to resolve a conflict, I'll listen. But then let's move forward. Must have integrity. Must be open to learn and be curious about others and new ideas. Must not monopolize the conversation all the time; we take turns doing that. Must like to read, grow, and be self-reflective (not every day, just in general). If you like the Housewives of Orange County, I'm probably not the person you want to talk about with that; I don't watch soap operas anymore. But do love to binge-watch Netflix. Must return a text message or PMs in an appropriate amount of time (24 hours). If you don't return the text, the story I tell myself is you're not really interested in being friends; I know you have that phone with you 24/7. Speaking of phone, must stay off phone while out to lunch unless you're taking a picture to post on Instagram, or your kids, partner, or your doctor may call. Put the phone away; pretend it's 1980; Otherwise, I'm secretly judging you; I want to be friends with someone my age, not a Millennial. Must always let me drive (I have PTSD from a past accident. You don't want me as a passenger; trust me). Must accept mild germaphobes. And lastly, must be an animal lover. Must allow me to talk about my dog like he was my kid.
Too much? I heard my sister-in-law in my head, "Good luck making friends."
Since my vocation is one where I work with clients one-on-one, I don't meet a lot of people at a conventional job. And I don't go to church anymore; for a million reasons; but that's another blog. I don't drink anymore because I'm healing my liver and kidneys (not from drinking, but from too much fat in my diet---cheese particularly); so partying at a bar is out.
I'd go to a yoga studio or Orange Theory but the women were in and out; no real chit chatting. So, my opportunities were limited. While I loved that I moved to Florida, I thought I may have made a terrible mistake leaving the best friends I ever had back home in Chicago.
When we decided to move to Dunedin, I was excited. Everything about this new town seemed intuitively right. I told Rich that my job the first year was to figure out a way to make friends and become a part of the community-become known.
I started with volunteering at the local Dunedin Fine Arts Center. It was a lovely, safe entry into my community. Art people are funky cool and so nice. I got to know some wonderful people and I really enjoyed volunteering for this vibrant art center. And I started taking art classes there. That was nice too; but artists are really focused on their art. I kept waiting for someone to say, "Want to do lunch?" I was playing it safe. Waiting for others to take the lead--trying to figure out my place in this super interesting, established art community.
I had to be more proactive. I turned to Facebook. I 'liked' a few local Dunedin FB groups to see what was happening in the community; seemed like a lot was happening. But there were not real friendship opportunities there. I decided to start my own local Dunedin women's FB group: Dunedin Women's Share & Connect. The share part was online in our group (sharing positive life stuff). The connect part was when we got together off of social media and hung out in person. And since we live in such a polarized country, we could not talk about religion or politics. We had to just meet each other where we were as women; suspend our bias long enough to see someone for who they were as a person. Overnight, our group went from 1 to 25 women. Soon we had 200. And as of last week, we had 300 women in our group.
DWSC was for women who lived in our community, and wanted to make local connections with other women around town. It was like a Meet-Up group within a private Facebook group. So if I wanted to go to a movie or sushi, I'd put out to our DWSC group, "Going to see this movie_______at 6pm on Thursday. Who wants to join me?" If someone wanted to go bike riding or kayaking, they would put out an invitation for a day and time, and women would show up. There were many women in the group who have lived in Dunedin for years. Others, like me, were Newbies; desperate to make friends.
Once a month, I would host a breakfast. 25-30 women would show up. DWSC collects food for the local Dunedin food pantry. They are the most generous women I've ever met. When the holidays came around, many women offered up their homes to join them for a holiday meal. If someone had a birthday, they bravely asked others to join them at a wine bar. There is vulnerability for all of us as we put ourselves out there. The women showed up to cheer and celebrate that person. If there is a parade in town (and there is just about every month), they put it on the group to meet up at the parades. If they want to do a day at the beach, they bring their chairs and sunscreen and relax together.
Not everyone participates or stays in the group; too many rules, too many women, they aren't ready, too many commitments to join in, fearful of women, or don't feel the vibe or have a real need. But each woman who joins, gets to dip their feet in the water to see if the group is for them or not. And they get to make it what they want by creating their own like-minded meet ups within the group. There are a few book clubs within the group. An entrepreneur group for all the DWSC women who have their own businesses. I don't come up with all the meet up ideas; I don't go to all the events or meet ups. It's an organic group that has a life of it's own now.
This was beyond humbling to see our group grow so quickly. And we had our share of growing pains. I've had to say yes, no, or maybe when issues or problems popped up. Some times an agenda changed. Sometimes someone was mean or gossipy and they had to be removed. Rules had to be put in place; I felt so responsible to protect the women of our large group. That didn't always go over well. This tapped into my deepest fears around women when faced with push back, rejection, and gossip. But I was always met with overwhelming support and understanding behind the scenes too. I knew I wasn't going to make everyone happy as our group grew. I couldn't control what people might be saying about me; that killed me. But I always knew the intention of my heart and why I started the group: I wanted to build a community of women who were supportive, like-minded, fun, fearless, loving, understanding, active, interesting, and kind. Some have left the group; many have stayed. I put 3 new admins in place and updated guidelines to resolve the many questions and problems that pop up and took time away from living life. I don't make leading decisions all by myself anymore; I just give occasional input and vet all the Newbies. I'm grateful to those that have been patient with me through those growing pains.
We just celebrated DWSC 1-year anniversary over the weekend. I'd share some pictures of all our many events: movie nights, parades, beach days, wine nights, vegan lunches, etc. But, "what happens in DWSC stays in DWSC"--especially because women were trying to get jobs or wanted privacy; I have to honor that. I wish I could share their beautiful faces and tell you all the cool stories about their unique lives. But I'd be breaking one of my own rules.
Each woman has a remarkable, thoughtful story; their own version of triumph and even tragedy. It draws us closers in our sharing. We've all moved past: How long have you lived here? and Where did you grow up? Conversations are going deeper as we open ourselves up to vulnerability, caring, and connection. It's fun to run into each other at festivals, parades, art galleries, and the grocery store. Each of us long to belong and feel known on some level in our community. It's been a thrill to grow and learn with them. And I can say, I truly feel known and at home here in Dunedin.
If you ever have to move to a new location. I highly recommend starting a private Facebook group. I think about the quote from Georgia O'Keeffe: Nobody sees a flower--really--it's so small--we haven't time--and to see takes time, like to have a friend takes time. I think that's really what my sister-in-law meant. xoxo
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