50 and FABULOUS

Here, now, the movement of life, touching me,

Healing me, revealing it’s simple truth—I am immersed in the embrace of life.

Yes, I hear the Yes.

And my response, Yes.

I am this movement.

I am home.  ~ Camille Maurine

When I turned 50, it was like winning the Trifecta: My husband bought me a brand new yellow VW  Beatle (which I always dreamed of but never imagined I’d have one of my own again). He threw me a wonderful birthday party surrounded by family and friends (which was the only thing I’d want to do). Then he took me to Maui (because we were also celebrating 25 years of marriage around the same time). Actually, Rich is the best gift a girl could ever have. I am very appreciative.  

It’s been an amazing month. When the surprise party was blown, and I knew he was going to throw me a party, I told Rich, “Please no ‘Over the Hill black decorations.” Other people may mourn the fact they’re turning 50 I’m not. I’m going to celebrate. God knows I’ve made it this far (with the help of family and friends). I plan on living a long life and enjoying the rest of it to the fullest. The balloons were happy colors: lime green and purple (thank you Michele Lemberger.) ;-)

 Turning 50 wasn’t a big deal. Bring it on! I was ready to dance and celebrate and show the young’uns how to turn 50. I was a crazy fool on the dance floor. Dancing was the one thing I wanted to do when I turned 50. My husband knows this about me. It’s the one thing I do where I feel most alive and my crazy self.

What was difficult was ‘receiving’ all this goodness (from birthday cards and gifts, to family and friends flying in from other states or driving a long way to come to the party). I was drowning in kindness and I could barely come up for air. At times, I feared I’d say the wrong thing or look like I was a spoiled rotten brat. I felt embarrassed and guilty for having one of the greatest month of my life.

There is this a little voice deep down (from a person who used to shame me) that said, “You don’t deserve this. Who do you think you are, special? It won’t last.” 

At 40, I would have tried to reason with this ‘conditioned’ voice inside my head: “But, but, I’m trying really hard to be good. I know this is too much blessing for me. I know there are people starving in Africa.” Seriously, these were the conversations going on in my head. That may have been the pathetic me at 40. However, at 50, I tapped into my confident, not-taking-any-more-inner crap-self-talk, and said, “Shut the F-up!  I’m done listening to you put me down. I’m onto you, Lady! Enough!” 

50-year old Kim swears more then 40-year old Kim. 50-year old Kim doesn’t care if that offends anymore either. Stop reading if it does! 50-year old Kim is done pretending she’s prim and proper. There is no such thing as an authentic Super Christian. Besides, most religious people or Christians I know swear; at least the one’s I like to hang out with do. The only time I watch my language is around children and old people.

Now that I’m 50, I have dethroned that doubting, insecure voice inside my head that has had harmful reign way too long. I’ll probably say things I shouldn’t (but it will be honest). I’ve spent way too much of my life playing safe and trying to ‘be good’ to win approval from people who judged me just because I exist or they’ve frozen me in time! I have God’s approval and grace so I don’t need anyone else’s. If you give it, thank you. You are kind and I will give you a kidney if you ever need one!

Turning 50 has given me permission to rise up and be more deliciously alive, real, and present. To ‘go for it’ and not look back:

I’m going to stop belittling myself for being heavier than I was 20 years ago.

I’m going to play on the beaches of the world with my marvelous, plump, dimply white thighs for all to see; Cue the Phil Collin’s Song, “I Don’t Care Anymore!!” 

I’m going to sing Karaoke even though I can’t sing. I’m going to conquer my fears. I’m going to accept that I can’t do new math or need Rich to edit my blogs and letters. I’m going to show up when you least expect it. I’m going to take shameless Selfies (with everyone I love). Because one day, I’m going to look back at 80-years old and realize I looked great at 55 or 60. Because one day, one of us is going to be dead; and you or I will be glad I was such a goofball and took all sorts of Kodak moments. 

I’m going to get more involved in making the world a better place to live (interfaith causes, peace marches, and being a voice for freedom on behalf of oppressed women locally and around the world). I’m probably going to continue to be political (some things won’t change). I’m going to accept my body rhythms as well as my hormonal fluctuations. I’m going to wear more colorful hippy clothes and wear less black (please hold me to this). I’m going to invest my time and energy where I’m wanted. If you want me around, let me know (I am not a mind-reader). If I’m met with silence, I will move on and bless you with my prayers but not my presence. Brace yourself; I’m going to say more of what I want.

I'm going to lavish my love on you and my light. John Ortberg once said, "Joy is God's basic character.  He is the happiest being in the universe. And God's intent was that His creation would mirror His joy." Guess what? I'm going to erupt joy when He looks in that mirror of His! I’m going to have more faith that God heals in the present moment. I’m going to embrace what is holy, praise it, and bow down to it (whether it’s God, food, words, nature, music, babies, puppies, or the divine in others).

I’m going to continue to ‘let go’ of what no longer serves me: like hanging out with negative people who expect me to do all the work. I’m going to read more Rumi. I’m going to continue to do much more yoga and help those who are struggling with depression and anxiety to find freedom through meditation and movement. I’m going to find a hobby other than hammocking. I’m going to talk to more strangers. I’m going to learn more about fascinating quantum energy around me. I’m going to tap into and trust my intuition more. I'm going to surround myself with men and women who will challenge me to grow and develop others. Because I believe in healing touch, I’m going to touch more (I may just spontaneously hold your hand, put my hand on your shoulder or arm, or kiss you on the forehead). I'm going to walk barefoot more and take up the hula hoop again. I’m going to dance on patios, tables, and beaches. I’m going to save my pennies so I can visit friends and family who are priceless treasures to me. I'm not going to worry about my age because I have no idea what 50 is suppose to feel like.

  

…we have difficulty remembering that we are alive in the present moment, the only moment there is for us to be alive. Every breath we take, every step we make, can be filled with peace, joy, and serenity. We need only be awake, alive in the present moment. ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

I’m going to laugh, love, and live life like there is no tomorrow. You know there is no tomorrow? All we have is the eternal NOW. And if that’s the case, at 50, I’m a young’un! 

Stay tuned.