Paradise Lost & Found

 

Leaving Illinois Sept 28th 2015

A year ago, Fred, Rich, Kevin, Tiffany, and myself packed up and moved down to Florida. I can’t believe a year has gone by already. 

We are not in Kansas anymore.

While making casual conversation with people in stores or restaurants, I say, “Oh we just moved here from Chicago recently.” As if it was a few weeks or months ago. My brain hasn’t comprehended all the changes that have happened in the last year. It doesn’t feel real. 

  

Naples Florida

St. Augustine Castillo de San Marcos

The moving to Florida part has exceeded our expectations. It’s paradise. We are happy we moved to Vero Beach where we feel like we’re on vacation all the time: music and art festivals, palm trees, exotic birds, miles of quiet beaches, and endless summer. We enjoy getting in the car and exploring new towns of Florida. Some of our favorites: St. Augustine, Palm Beach, Jupiter, Stuart, Naples, and Sanibel Island. It seems there are endless opportunities and beautiful places to experience. 

  

We found a big house that suited our needs.  Kevin and his fiancé Tiffany had the upstairs and we had the downstairs. Going into this experience we all thought optimistically it would work out well. That lasted for about a day.

The first eight months living together in Florida was truly the hardest year of my life. And let me tell you, in 30 years together, we’ve had some hard years. But nothing like this: Tiffany confessed that she was an opiate drug addict for over a decade. It blindsided and terrified us. Given her harrowing background, she had mental and physical needs that we were not equipped to handle (like the first time she detoxed in our house and additional relapses). Tiffany was going to need drug treatment if she was going to live. Kevin was going to need a 12-step program for co-dependency; he had been handling Tiffany all on his own for over a year. This was bigger than him—bigger than all of us. 

We showed support and love from the moment Tiffany told us. The difficult part now was we were put in a position to be parents or counselors to our adult children 24/7 during this crisis stage. They needed boundaries and accountability if they were going to turn their lives around. We had to establish trust if they were going to continue to live in our house under these unique circumstances. This wasn’t a part of our plan. Trying to be the ‘velvet hammer’ so we could have stability didn’t go over well with them both. They wanted and needed our help but resisted it to their detriment. 

I could see their desire as a couple and as individuals to want to heal and overcome. At times they tried. However, their attempts were not sustainable without serious outside help. They had a daunting mountain range of self-exploration to climb to get to the other side of sobriety and normalcy. The drug addiction recovery odds are not high. Rehab is no guarantee she could remain clean. Would she survive? Would he cope if she didn't or moved on without him? We were attached and invested, hopeful, but realistic too. I had insomnia and a stomach ache for months from worry. 

The energy in our home was SO dense and depressing (even in spite of trying to be optimistic but firm). Fred also died suddenly. Our hearts were broken and overwhelmed. We put on 40-lbs each from dealing with this life and death situation all by ourselves, without our support system back home. We were sad, lonely, and fearful. I missed my girlfriends desperately. All we did was eat and process how to cope. 

It took getting into our own 12-step group for co-dependency before we were able to finally come up for air. That meant we also had to step way back and allow life to unfold without our intervention.

I’ll spare all the in-between disappointing conversations and heightened emotions over those many months. We were leveled and had little energy for much of anything. Addiction and co-dependency has a life of it’s own; we were not ourselves.  

Tiffany eventually went off to rehab in California. Two months later she showed up on the front door with a truck to pack all her stuff up, break up with Kevin, and move back to California. We have not spoken to her since that day. 

Our attention turned from helping Tiffany to helping Kevin cope and move on with his life again. Thankfully, he was able to find a way forward after feeling hurt and rejected. He took on a whole new career path, and was able to also financially recover.  

After a while, we found our own lovely drama-free cadence again in our new state, our new town. Many days we would go to one of our favorite ocean-side lunch spots and look out at the ocean while sipping ice tea and eating crab cakes (although, now we’re vegan so we can’t eat crab cakes). 

Buddha 4 months taking over the house.

Buddha (our Tibetan Terrier puppy) entered our life this summer with boundless energy. We were already emotionally and physically spent. He’s darling but demanding. The first two months with Buddha we were sleep deprived parents. But he’s brought new things to talk and laugh about. We go to the doggy park everyday and watch Buddha run free, wrestle, and dig in the dirt. That brings us a lot of joy. 

Before and after doggy park 

We’ve stepped out of our story, processed some of the hurt and anger and got back into the present moment. 

Trying to fine our way in Paradise. 

New opportunities are happening. We are meeting interesting people we could see being life long friends. We’ve been to a dozen churches. However, they are too conservative or too liturgical. Not to mention that 90% of the church median age is 85 years old (I don't want to be making friends and going to funerals.) We were spoiled with Willow Creek. I don’t think there is anything like Willow around here, so we’ll just have to be spiritually self-fed for now. We’ve also found a lovely meditation group on Saturdays. It’s nice to talk about global healing and inner peace and mindful-living.

We are going to be moving out of this big house and into a condo in January. We’ll be five minutes from the things we love: doggy park, ocean, and restaurants, and theater.  

How does it get any better? 

Even though our first year in Florida was painfully difficult, deep down we’re happy to be here. It still surprises us that we made such an incredible lifestyle change. At least every other day we smile and say out loud to each other, “We live in Florida!”

1 shell for every time we see the ocean together since moving to FL.  

See all those shells? For fun, I collect a seashell for every time we came to the beach together as a couple. The ocean has a unique hold on each of our spirits. It’s calming and awe inspiring. The horizon reminds me that all is well; God brings all things back into balance when we are ready. Collecting these shells is a way to remember all tangible and (hopefully) timeless moments we’ve had with each other. Lord willing, there will be many more seashells ahead. 

SaveSave