Losing My Shit

As much as I know the right things to do in stressful situations, sometimes I don’t. It’s embarrassing when I don’t listen to my own advice.

Even though I practice and teach yoga and meditation, live in the present moment, question my stressful ego thoughts, pray, and do lots of self-care, and coach others to do the same, my emotional brain takes over. When it happens, it’s not pretty. The saying is true, ‘When mama ain’t happy, nobody is happy.’

Once in a Blue Moon, I have an exaggerated, over reaction to others. There are roughly 41-months that have two Full Moons in every century. So on average, once every two-and-a-half years, I ‘lose my shit’ on such a grand scale it will be remembered for years to come. It will take me a few months to get over feeling like a fraud and that I should quit what I do as a profession and just get a job at a toll-booth attendant.  This way I don’t have to talk to people (except give directions). By the way, I’m highly qualified to give directions to strangers; it’s one of my spiritual gifts.

I invest in big relational experiences with unbridled optimism—in the hopes of big relational returns for everyone. Last year, we lived in Arizona for the winter to be closer to family. This year, we've moved across country to Florida and now have two adult-kids living with us (Kevin and his fiancé, Tiffany). There has been a flurry of change to sort out in my life. Jokingly, some of the change has been beyond my ‘evolution’ as a person; I suppose I’m not as mature as I thought. 

There is a prayer I’ve heard, “God spare me from the desire for love, approval, and appreciation.” When I have an over abundance of these three expectations out of sync, it’s only a matter of time until I have a meltdown. Most of the time, I keep them sensibly in check. However, when things aren’t going the way I imagined, when I’m away from lifetime support systems, I’m sleep deprived, I need to make too many personal decisions, I’m dominated by fearful future-thinking, I live with people who have different objectives, or I have been stress-eating, then my own personal negative energy builds up and I ‘lose my shit.’ 

It won’t be the last time I feel vulnerable and exposed. I’m human and Blue Moons happen. It’s nobody’s fault but my own. I’ve learned a lot. I got ‘quiet and still’ and did a deep inner dive. I asked trusted people to speak truth to me. I’ve said my apologies and ‘owned my shit’. I thanked Kevin, Rich, and Tiffany for helping me find my way back to my conscious “True-Self” (the holy place within where divine love always resides, the place where I am not wounded or disappointed). They reflect to me my insecurities, fears, and control-issues. To which Kevin said, “You’re welcome!”

Sometimes, cognizant inner light bulb moments happen in an instant—like flipping a switch on, I see what I’ve done and what I need to do moving forward. The world feels brighter, the birds are singing, and there is a bounce in my step. It’s taken me a bit longer to rebound this time around; it’s probably because of feeling lonelier without my tribe of friends. And now I have extra emotional and physical weight—a reminder to me that I’ve got more inner and outer work to do. That’s not a bad thing. Every enormous Blue Moon illuminates my darkness. 

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