30 Years Ago My Life Changed

30 years ago, I was anxiously waiting for you to come into the world (my world). You were late. 10-days late. We were going to name you Eric Michael.  Nobody liked the name. So I asked everyone at the table to write down an Irish name.  All the names were put in a hat and I pulled out Kevin Robert. Your great-grandmother, G.G. Melley, chose that name. Kevin comes from the 6^th century Irish, patron saint, St. Caoimhin, from Dublin. It means: gentle, handsome, or beloved. I think it suited you for 30 years. 

I’ve told you before, but I’ll say it again to mark the occasion so it’s etched indelibly in your memory: you were the answer to my prayer. God knew I wanted to be a mom. When you arrived, you became my ‘Kevin from Heaven.’ I promised God I’d be a good mom. Even though He knew I was woefully under skilled to be a mom at 21-years old, He must have believed the intention of my heart.

What I didn’t know then but understand more now, is God selected YOU to be the one who would grow me up. You were my teacher. You were brought into my life to help me become more fully conscious. What does that mean? To be free to discover my true self; discover who I really was in this one and only life here on Earth. To be led into a million experiences that would show me my conditioned false self. You would be a guide of Creation to keep me sane, awake, aware, and engaged in all things that truly mattered in life: Love & Being.

The first few years were a walk in the park. I loved every time I had to wake up in the middle of the night with you. It was my favorite time. It felt like nobody in the world was awake but the two of us. I was in awe of the stillness of the night and the little soul I held in my arms. It was a timeless feeling; I’ve never forgotten what that felt like. I’d sing to you softly and hold you close until you fell asleep again. This little human mesmerized me with unlimited potential in my arms.  I was full of gratitude to God. I imagined that God was getting a kick out of watching me dig this whole new mom-experience too. 

Kev, you were so curious and watched my every move. You were also intuitive and knew when I was struggling, fully present, or preoccupied. You’d grab my face and make me look you in the eyes. Oh my goodness, those eyes! You spoke a dozen languages in that one glance. I knew what you were saying every time you looked at me like that. And then you'd smile.  

 You wanted my undivided attention. I didn’t always give it to you. As you got a little older, I’d distract you with cheerios, a toy, or TV. I didn’t realize until much later, that what I was struggling with wasn’t the piles of laundry or dishes that kept me busy. No, those things never bothered me. I was distracted by expectations, judgements, and comparisons (the three evils of my life). I had to be the perfect mom with the perfect son who reflected me well. Unknowingly, I welcomed ego and fear into our experience and it changed me; it changed us. (I'm still undoing it.) By living in the future (in my mind), worry and the heavy responsibility of being a parent overwhelmed me. I can’t get all those distracted moments back. 

I tell you this so when you’re a parent, one day you won’t fall into the trap of looking for others to validate you as a parent (or human-being). When you were first born, I was fully aware of each delightful, surreal parenting moment. Obsessing over what others thought of me took me off the natural path. 

You were patiently with me though. Being a good teacher, you kept trying to get my attention to come back to where life is to be fully lived. Sometimes I was able to play on your playground. Other times, I was hijacked by whatever life experience was happening. My emotions, fears, and expectations of the mind held me in prison. Being a parent will do a number on you if you are not grounded in the present moment or even moderately mature (Sorry about the not being mature part. As you grew up, so did I.) 

I can’t believe it’s been 30 years since you were born. A lot can happen in 30 years. I know by now you’ve gotten a good taste of both the woes and the wonders of life. Let me speak about the woes. 

  

We all have issues. Most, if not all our issues come from a long line of conditioned thoughts, limited beliefs and experiences we learned. Let me say that again. Yes, most, if not all our issues are learned conditioned thought!!!! (You will have to consciously undo what’s been passed on to you.) Nobody’s really to blame; it’s what we learned from one generation to another (especially if our families are unconscious and living out of their false self too). 

Multiply that by all the people you work with and those whom you're in relationship with. They too have their woes (and are probably unconscious to one degree or another). And all our woes are colored by our perceptions of what we THINK should be happening now. We RESIST every experience small or large and demand that it bend to our will. We catastrophize everything—mostly small dumb things. We have no idea how to embrace woes and worries. Life is reflecting back to us truth about ourselves; we don't want to face it. We never question our frantic, inner dialogue, or unhappiness. It’s always other people’s fault. We’ve been conditioned to blame. Everybody does it.

We miss out on the brilliant opportunity to lean-in and learn to accept what IS reality (good, bad, or indifferent) and love it. We don’t have to be a 50-year old person living in a perpetual 3-year old tantrum psyche. We’ve got it all wrong when it comes to woes. We demand that life rise up to meet us. No, it’s the other way around. We are to rise up and meet life where and when it presents itself to us. Life is trying to get our attention; trying to teach us. That’s when life gets real. No more games. No more false self. No more distractions. No more woeful thinking when life is, well, woeful. Life is life (as my son once told me). 

The Irish saying: ‘There are only two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick. If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about; but if you are sick there are two things for you to worry about; either you get well, then there is nothing to worry about, or you die. If you die, then there are two things to worry about; either you go up or down. If you go up then there is nothing to worry about. But if you go down, you will be so busy shaking hands with old friends you won’t have time to worry.’ 

  

Unless we are dying, nothing is ever that bad. And if we are dying, that’s not all bad either; it’s onto the next adventure. To those times I lived in Woeful-land, I’m sorry you had to be confused by my sadness and my resistance to problems. I wish I had done a better job of always having my sh#% together. That said, over time (a long time) you inspired me to stay away from negative people and surround myself with people who lifted me up. Everything I ever did (deep down) to get myself on track, was because of being your mom. I seriously wanted to be a positive mom who was so obnoxiously bright, the sun would be jealous of my light. 

And now to the wonders of life: We all have an inner light. It takes an undistracted mind to see it and feel it and live it. I see the image of God in you and others more than ever. We come into the world with a glorious bright love-light. Yet spend the rest of our life putting it out with woes and worries. I’ve learned that is an unnecessary way to live. 

Since you’ve left home and moved on in your life, I’ve had lots of time to figure out where I missed the mark (not for the purposes of living in the past or putting myself down, but for the purposes of learning) so I could be awake to the wonder happening NOW. I’m not as fearful or preoccupied with parenting responsibilities, I’m able to BE STILL & KNOW.

It took some time and some practice (through meditation, movement, mindful living, and prayer) but I've got it down. Learning how to be present and live in the moment has changed EVERYTHING! I don’t need to be as entertained by others. Just like when you were a little boy, and I could sit an watch you for hours, I’ve gotten back to that with Life: I could sit and watch Life for hours. The love for MORE sacred experiences (besides even you) has expanded. I never thought there would be room for more love than I had for you, but it happened. Just when I thought I had lived the best years of my life being your mom, Life gave me more surprises and adventures. 

I thought I was the one who had to love Life (embrace it or not embrace it depending on what was happening). Not so, Life has loved me all along. I’m just now able to be aware of this remarkable dance that Life invited me to do with it. If you thought being a parent was fun, just wait--it gets even better. The best is yet to come!

The last 30 years have been like school: reports, and late-night homework, tests, fire drills, and finally graduations. That's what I thought it was supposed to be. I wish I had lived the last 30 years like it was recess: PLAYED more, laughed more, shared more, and connected more with others. 

Whether you become a parent or not, I encourage you to let Life be your teacher. Life won’t test you. You’ll test yourself. You’ll know when you’re on the right path and when you’re on the wrong path; intuitively we know it. Life will just keep presenting messages to show you if you’re living out of fear or out of wonder. We need good mentors to help us grow up and encourage us on the right path. Life is a kind and gracious teacher. If you have kids someday, they will be your teachers too.  

I can’t thank you enough for being my Kevin from Heaven; for changing my life for the better. I’ve delighted in you for 30 years (Okay, sometimes I was a little more than miffed with you!) ;-) And in those moments, you are still teaching me about myself to this day! Everything is useful and good. 

It’s your golden birthday: 30 years on the 30^th.  Happy Birthday, Kevin. I love you! I wish you peace, happiness, awareness, and love the next 30 years.  

~ Forever, Mom