Here, now, the movement of life, touching me,
Healing me, revealing it’s simple truth—I am immersed
in the embrace of life.
Yes, I hear the Yes.
And my response, Yes.
I am this movement.
I am home. ~ Camille
Maurine
When I turned 50, it was like winning the Trifecta: My
husband bought me a brand new yellow VW Beatle (which I always dreamed of but
never imagined I’d have one of my own again). He threw me a wonderful birthday
party surrounded by family and friends (which was the only thing I’d want to
do). Then he took me to Maui (because we were also celebrating 25 years of
marriage around the same time). Actually, Rich is the best gift a girl could
ever have. I am very appreciative.
It’s been an amazing month. When the surprise party was
blown, and I knew he was going to throw me a party, I told Rich, “Please no ‘Over
the Hill black decorations.” Other people may mourn the fact they’re turning 50
I’m not. I’m going to celebrate. God knows I’ve made it this far (with the help
of family and friends). I plan on living a long life and enjoying the rest of
it to the fullest. The balloons were happy colors: lime green and purple (thank
you Michele Lemberger.) ;-)
Turning 50 wasn’t a
big deal. Bring it on! I was ready to dance and celebrate and show the young’uns
how to turn 50. I was a crazy fool on the dance floor. Dancing was the one
thing I wanted to do when I turned 50. My husband knows this about me. It’s the
one thing I do where I feel most alive and my crazy self.
What was difficult was ‘receiving’
all this goodness (from birthday cards and gifts, to family and friends flying
in from other states or driving a long way to come to the party). I was
drowning in kindness and I could barely come up for air. At times, I feared I’d
say the wrong thing or look like I was a spoiled rotten brat. I felt
embarrassed and guilty for having one of the greatest month of my life.
There is this a little voice deep down (from a person who
used to shame me) that said, “You don’t deserve this. Who do you think you are,
special? It won’t last.”
At 40, I would have tried to reason with this ‘conditioned’
voice inside my head: “But, but, I’m trying really hard to be good. I know
this is too much blessing for me. I know there are people starving in Africa.”
Seriously, these were the conversations going on in my head. That may have been
the pathetic me at 40. However, at 50, I tapped into my confident,
not-taking-any-more-inner crap-self-talk, and said, “Shut the F-up! I’m done listening to you put me down. I’m onto
you, Lady! Enough!”
50-year old Kim swears more then 40-year old Kim. 50-year
old Kim doesn’t care if that offends anymore either. Stop reading if it does!
50-year old Kim is done pretending she’s prim and proper. There is no such
thing as an authentic Super Christian. Besides, most religious people or Christians I know
swear; at least the one’s I like to hang out with do. The only time I
watch my language is around children and old people.
Now that I’m 50, I have dethroned that doubting, insecure
voice inside my head that has had harmful reign way too long. I’ll probably say
things I shouldn’t (but it will be honest). I’ve spent way too much of my life
playing safe and trying to ‘be good’ to win approval from people who judged me just
because I exist or they’ve frozen me in time! I have God’s approval and grace so
I don’t need anyone else’s. If you give it, thank you. You are kind and I will
give you a kidney if you ever need one!
Turning 50 has given me permission to rise up and be more
deliciously alive, real, and present. To ‘go for it’ and not look back:
I’m going to stop belittling myself for being heavier than I
was 20 years ago.
I’m going to play on the beaches of the world with my
marvelous, plump, dimply white thighs for all to see; Cue the Phil Collin’s Song, “I Don’t
Care Anymore!!”
I’m going to sing Karaoke even though I can’t sing. I’m
going to conquer my fears. I’m going to accept that I can’t do new math or need
Rich to edit my blogs and letters. I’m going to show up when you least expect
it. I’m going to take shameless Selfies (with everyone I love). Because one day,
I’m going to look back at 80-years old and realize I looked great at 55 or 60.
Because one day, one of us is going to be dead; and you or I will be glad I was
such a goofball and took all sorts of Kodak moments.
I’m going to get more
involved in making the world a better place to live (interfaith causes, peace
marches, and being a voice for freedom on behalf of oppressed women locally and
around the world). I’m probably going to continue to be political (some things
won’t change). I’m going to accept my body rhythms as well as my hormonal
fluctuations. I’m going to wear more colorful hippy clothes and wear less black
(please hold me to this). I’m going to invest my time and energy where I’m
wanted. If you want me around, let me know (I am not a mind-reader). If I’m met
with silence, I will move on and bless you with my prayers but not my
presence. Brace yourself; I’m going to
say more of what I want.
I'm going to lavish my love on you and my light. John Ortberg once said, "Joy is God's basic character. He is the happiest being in the universe. And God's intent was that His creation would mirror His joy." Guess what? I'm going to erupt joy when He looks in that mirror of His! I’m going to have more faith that God heals in the present moment. I’m going to embrace what is holy, praise it, and bow down to it (whether it’s God, food, words, nature, music, babies, puppies, or the divine in others).
I’m going to continue to ‘let go’ of what no longer
serves me: like hanging out with negative people who expect me to do all the
work. I’m going to read more Rumi. I’m going to continue to do much more yoga
and help those who are struggling with depression and anxiety to find freedom
through meditation and movement. I’m going to find a hobby other than
hammocking. I’m going to talk to more strangers. I’m going to learn more about fascinating
quantum energy around me. I’m going to tap into and trust my intuition more. I'm going to surround myself with men and women who will challenge me to grow and develop others. Because I believe in healing touch, I’m going to touch more (I may just
spontaneously hold your hand, put my hand on your shoulder or arm, or kiss you on the
forehead). I'm going to walk barefoot more and take up the hula hoop again. I’m
going to dance on patios, tables, and beaches. I’m going to save my pennies so
I can visit friends and family who are priceless treasures to me. I'm not going to worry about my age because I have no idea what 50 is suppose to feel like.
…we have difficulty remembering that we are alive in
the present moment, the only moment there is for us to be alive. Every breath
we take, every step we make, can be filled with peace, joy, and serenity. We
need only be awake, alive in the present moment. ~ Thich Nhat Hanh
I’m going to laugh, love, and live life like there is no
tomorrow. You know there is no tomorrow? All we have is the eternal NOW. And if
that’s the case, at 50, I’m a young’un!
Stay tuned.
