Thursday, September 27, 2012

"Hi! I'm Kim. I'm A Recovering Co-dependent"





I need some accountability so I’m just putting it out there. I am a recovering co-dependent.

Here is how Wikipedia defines codependency: ‘the need to control another. It involves placing a lower priority on one’s own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship including family, work, friendship, also romantic, peer or community relationships. It may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns.’

Shut up Wikipedia! You don’t have kids!

Codependents mean well; they really do. So if you meet one, live with one, or have the good fortune to be in relationship, just know they come from an honest place. They are not trying to ruin your life. They see life experience in panoramic view. They zoom out and see all the ‘what if’s like a hawk circling from above. They are the self appointed caution signs in your life that say ‘merge’ ‘detour’ ‘stop hanging around those awful people!’ Most of the time they see things before you do and they want to protect you from immanent danger, debt, or injury to your soul. Advice rolls off their tongue like the words: snicker-doodle, hodge-podge, or leggo my eggo. Well, that’s how I explain my codependency. How do the rest of you recovering co-dependents see it?

When I was in my late teens, going into my twenties, I really wanted to be a mom. A few years later when I actually did get pregnant I thought it was the coolest thing in the world: like a science experiment. I was fascinated by what was going on inside of my belly week-to-week, month-to-month (until the stretch marks appeared). For 9 months I prepared for my child’s arrival with love. I hand painted life size Care Bears on his nursery walls. Made the yellow bumpers and blanket for his crib. And I also saved 300 Popsicle sticks (from my cravings) thinking one day we would make a craft. I was heavily invested in his comfort and happiness before he took his first breath. I was ready to be a mom. Or so I thought.

Hours before Kevin was born, while in labor, I had this overwhelming feeling I was going to screw this kid’s life up. What if something happens like a car accident or I left the cabinet door open and he drinks something poisonous? He would die and it would be all my fault--like every thing else (or so I had been conditioned to believe). Fear is the beginning seed for codependency. That, and I’m a first-born.

Every mom has her delivery story. I’ll spare you mine. After the initial screaming to get him out, and Kevin screaming as he entered this world, his father brought him over so I could give him his 'first' kiss. I thanked God that all his fingers and toes were accounted for and he didn’t have my grandfather’s nose.  He was perfect in my eyes and on the Apgar Score.

After a few hours of rest after the delivery I continued to wonder if I was going to be able to be a good mother. Panic and control were growing. No kidding, these were my first conscious thoughts after becoming a mother:  ‘What happens if he throws up? I hate throw up! What happens if he grows up and moves away? I am so in love with this little boy but I could die tonight and he doesn’t need me any more.’ Kevin wasn’t but a few hours old and I was already having separation anxiety. A black cloud of depressing thoughts hung over my head while I was learning how to quickly whip my boob back into a nursing bra while at the same time swaddle and cuddle my infant son. Nobody told me that being a parent meant I’d be responsible for every outcome of my child’s life good or bad. Nobody told me that others would be watching my every move waiting or expecting me to mess up. They told me that I’d have bigger hips, a messier house, no sleep for the next two years, and that I’d never really ever be able to get baby food stains out of my shirts again.

After Kevin fell asleep, I put him down on his back in the little hospital bassinet. Within minutes, he started throwing up clear liquid. Fearing he’d choke to death on his vomit I said, “Oh God, not throw up!” I leaped back off the bed picked him up and turned him on his side and gently patted his back while wiping his mouth. He cried, I cried. He was okay. I was okay. I held him to my chest and said, “I’ll always be there when you throw up Buddy. We can do this; you and me. I’m not afraid anymore.” From that moment on it was ‘game on’. I got this mom thing now.  

Ever after when something went wrong, I leaped up and I took care of it. And I did that for decades. Sometimes I’d leap up before something went wrong. I could instinctively tell something was going to happen-like a hawk. However, here’s the thing about hawks, they also have talons. Have you ever had a hawk land on your arm? Neither have I. But I imagine it’s painful unless you have protective padding.

Poor Kevin didn’t stand a chance with his co-dependent mom watching his every move. I learned very young how to control my world, Kevin’s world, and a few other people’s planets. If you were in my orbit you were gravitationally pulled in, to revolve around my fears, my expectations, or my happiness.  If I haven't already made amends, let me apologize once again! 

This brings me to why I am writing this. Kevin and his girlfriend, Maddi, are moving back home from Florida this weekend. It was a brave move. Kev is looking to get married in the near future and save up for a house and a family. In this economy, that is almost impossible to have traditional dreams without the support of family. My grandmother, G.G. lived with her family in the 30’s during the depression. For generations, families helped each other in good times and hard times. She would be proud of Kevin for sacrificing and preparing for his future by being proactive.

When Kevin was 19 we parted on difficult terms. It broke my heart, but it was time for him to fly. I left hawkish claw marks in his arm.  

This time around, I am hoping to do better. For the last 8 years, I’ve been learning how to individuate from my only begotten son. Trust me, it hasn’t been easy. I like being a mom. My heart feels full of love and I like to do nurturing things. I like helping and fixing. It comes naturally. Often I don’t even realize I’m doing it until I hear myself saying, “Hey, why don’t you----!” Parents always want to see their kids improve until the day they die. If you don’t, you’re boldface lying. 

When Kevin lived with me before, it was my job to manage his life (to a certain extent).  Parents are hands-on in the day-to-day life of their children. But my son is a man now. He has proven that he can take care of himself (and others). My role now is one of consultant. We let our adult children run their own business.  I need to ask permission if he wants advice. I need to ask, “How’s it going; what’s up? Can I be helpful to you? Would you like some feedback?” This will be super hard for me, because I give great unsolicited, advice! Really, it’s a gift.
 
Kevin deserves respect and autonomy; and frankly, so do I.  Honoring each other’s space and choices is what recovering co-dependents do. We get on with our own life. So how does a parent prepare for re-entry of their adult children moving back home? According to Debbie Pincus, who writes about how to keep your sanity when your adult children move back home: you clarify expectations and continue to have honest communication. Okay, got it! I can do that.

Please check in with me to see how I’m doing with my second chance at practicing recovery as a codependent mom. I’m a rare bird who actually loves feedback and advice (it is probably why I think everyone wants it too).

One of my favorite books on parenting (very Zen stuff) comes from The Parent’s Toa Te Ching: Ancient Advice For Modern Parents. I wish I had had this book while Kevin was growing up. It is the perfect resource for recovering co-dependents.

Page 28: Be Alert and Mindful: If you would be a wise parent be careful in all you do and say. Know that each action, each word, has it’s effect. Be alert and mindful, living fully in each present moment. Treat your children with courtesy as you would treat a guest. Be ready in a moment to let go of one plan and embark on another if your inner voice so urges. Have room within your heart to hear the voice of both your children and your own spirit. Do not expect fulfillment from events or people outside yourself. Welcome and accept things as they are. Welcome and accept children as they are. Treat yourself with gentle care. These qualities emerge naturally, not by force of will.

Welcome Home again Kevin (and Maddi). Come and just 'BE'. ~ Love mom

                                                           





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