Are you there God? It's me Kim.

Look, I don't know shit about shit, but I know right from wrong! ~ Erin Brockovich


(The name of my precious friend has been changed to protect her privacy.)

Are you there God? It’s me Kim! God, I don’t need money, a better place in the grocery line, for my throbbing headache to go away, or even a bigger more urgent prayer to assuage my fears like please don’t let the bridge fall or the plane crash while I’m on it. No, this passionate prayer wasn’t even for me.  It was for my friend, Joan. She needed you to be her protector and defender yesterday when she went to court to get an extended Order of Protection for her and her kids because her husband raped her. Not only had he raped her, but also he verbally, physically, and emotionally abused her and her children for decades. The rape was the final straw that sent her to the police.

I don’t understand? I had one prayer and one prayer only: Stand between Joan and her husband and protect her. I was counting on you God. No, I was more than counting on you, I was putting every ounce of faith I had in you alone. I was so convinced in my spirit that you would come through for Joan. At the end of the day, I thought justice was blind and you were deaf because nothing went Joan’s way. Between you and me, I go back and forth between shock, crying, and anger.

How could this happen? I felt like for the past few days, I have had to watch my friend be violated again. This time by corrupt police who are sworn to protect and serve instead of cover their asses because they made mistakes. Along with a justice system that doesn’t entirely protect victims of domestic crimes, who instead allow lawyers to use legal jargon to bully victims of domestic abuse with their “motions to vacate orders’ ‘objections’ and ‘hearsays’. Whoever has the best lawyer wins. But here’s the thing God, Joan didn’t have a lawyer.

Joan had to represent herself because her free legal service backed out at the last minute. We couldn’t figure out why her legal counsel backed out until Joan went to the police department and picked up her police report. It was INACCURETE! She didn’t get this police report three days later, but three weeks later. She kept calling the police department and asking for the report but they kept telling her it wasn’t ready and they’d call her when it was. My guess is they wrote up their report days, maybe a week or two, later and some of the details were incorrect because of a faulty memory.

Worse yet, when we went to the police station to ask for a more exact report, she was met by a compassionless, defensive, intimidating cop who told her "No, we won’t change it. Because women come in here all the time and change their minds.” Joan wasn’t changing her mind, they got the facts wrong. In fact, she was told, “I have a hard time believing that my officer with 24 years of experience writing up police reports could make that many mistakes in a report!” You’d think, but he did. Joan had a witness present with her the day she came in to tell the police her husband raped her. At no time did Joan sign anything or see the officer write up the report in her presence. She wasn’t even asked to give a written statement when she came in to report the rape. Then the officer intimidated us with his flak-jacketed, flared-out chest and both hands on his hip, standing over us, demanding to know if 'we were questioning his character as a veteran police officer?' Yes we were! They made mistakes! Joan knew her husband’s lawyer had his incorrect report. And this misleading report stated that Joan said he never physically abused her and that she consented to sex.

Devastated and feeling legally abandoned and unprotected, Joan pulled herself together and prepared a statement to read to the judge. She wanted the longest amount of time for the Order of Protection for herself. She wanted her husband to have court supervision while in the presence of their children for 6 months, with counseling. Then she wanted the children’s visitation to be revaluated in another 6 months by the court. Joan’s written statement to the judge was about what happened on 12/15/10 and also stated severe abuses had taken place in the past twenty years of their marriage. She wanted to establish why she feared for her life, and even why she allowed the rape to happen against her will because her husband had previously threatened to kill her.  But the previous abuses or threats would not be allowed in court.

 The first judge of the day was insensitive, impatient and didn’t think Joan’s case had enough legs to stand on and that’s why her free legal counsel was not present with her. The judge was perturbed. Why? Because the husband’s self-righteous lawyer made sure to tell him that she didn’t have a case and ask for a psych-evaluation for Joan. He came out swinging. This was not good! We all held hands and prayed and tried to send thoughts of strength and courage to Joan while she stood there alone before Judge Jerk! Joan was not granted an extension of her Order of Protection for three more weeks so she could find another lawyer. Instead, she was sent to another courtroom, on the same day, before another judge. She was forced to proceed in a ‘hearing’ and defend herself before the judge alone; all by herself with no legal counsel!!! Even Erin Brockovich had some time to prepare a case. Obviously none of the eight of us who showed up to support Joan watched enough Law & Order to give her tips on how to pull her case together in one hour. We were too focused on pulling Joan together with our glances of love and hugs. She was shaking, crying, drained, scared, and unprepared. She was in over her head.

People have asked me God, why Joan didn’t have her husband arrested? She had grounds. Victims of domestic abuse (any kind of abuse) are in shock and they are terrified. In the beginning, I trusted you God to help navigate those first days and weeks. You helped her wrap her mind around that she had finally found the courage—left this man who has bullied, controlled, and abused her for years. We all held our breath and prayed. You came through during those first few weeks. You sheltered and protected Joan. She said remarkable things that only a person who has fled danger could say, “I have 30 more years of happiness ahead of me!” We all watched Joan’s husband treat her with verbal disrespect and unkindness. So all of us we’re so happy for that possibility of a new future for Joan. Yet our hearts were so sad for the kids because they were so confused. I saw amazing provision when you sent her parents up from AZ to give Joan their car, and help with some expenses because she was left penniless. People left and right were giving her support financially.  She needs it because she had nothing. I thank you for that. I mean, I REALLY thank you for that. Joan was buoyed by your divine presence during those initial days through the love and support of others. You helped Joan get as strong as she could be under the circumstances. We, her closest friends, praised you for all that you were doing. So I thought you were on Joan’s side. And our biggest concern was not realized: we really thought Joan’s husband was gonna go off the deep end and hurt Joan. It was Joan’s greatest fear. She told me, “I don’t want to become one of those statistics.” That was haunting to hear Joan say that to me. So all I could do was pray. I couldn’t give her a gun or a Rottweiler. I could only pray. However, you kept her safe at night and during the day the last three weeks and always had people with her. You helped the fog lift from her brain so she could take steps to move forward, think about a new job and a new place to live, and sleep. She’s still not out of the woods yet. All of us know that she has a mountain yet to climb and get over. We all see a transformation-taking place in Joan. I believe in her.

For hours we sat on a hard bench in the courtroom, crying, holding in gasps of shock, praying, sending our love. We watched as Joan laid all her papers out before her at the lawyers’ table. I could see her hands shaking. I watched as she nervously kept bringing her hands to her face then run them through her hair. She tried to talk and usually was cut off by the judge or the lawyer because she didn’t know procedure. The rules in court were not going to be different because she wasn’t a lawyer herself. I watched her husband’s aggressive lawyer delight in every legal opportunity to rattle Joan, mock her, and shut her down. The incorrect police report would be used against Joan over and over in court. That lawyer battered her with it, implying she was a liar and her statements were inconsistent. I wanted to smack him up side the head with his yellow legal pad. I have no idea how some lawyers’ sleep at night?

But bless-Joan’s-heart, she hung in there. Joan couldn’t establish a pattern of abuse, she could only tell of the night of the rape. No opportunity to tell of the times he chased her, put her up against a wall by the throat, or when a machete knife was held to her throat, or when he grabbed her off the couch and threw her across the room. No chance to tell how he’s frightened his children and verbally attacked each of them with his 285 pounds of intimidation, and at times physically abused them too. No, this scumbag lawyer persuaded the judge that legally Joan could only talk about the night in question. The night she told her husband, "No, I don't want to have sex tonight. No! It's not is gonna happen. I told you what my boundaries were, I'm not having anymore sex that I don't want to have. You can't make me. It's a healthy boundary." The night she had to lay there as her husband said, “I will take it (sex) if I want it. This is your wifely duty!” In our mind, we always thought, NO means NO!!! Even if you have to lie there, while someone climbs on top of you, and you allow it to happen to protect yourself because your are afraid, it's rape.  I could relate to Joan only on a small level because this happened to me as a date rape. If you say no and they persist, it is rape. I don’t believe many man are able to fully understand the fear-factor that men have over women when it comes to sex. Joan didn’t resist her husband because the children were in the next room, because of his increasing and escalating aggression. She feared for herself and her children so she just let him ‘do it’. You saw what happened, you were there too. You are El Roi, the God who sees. She didn’t fight back because she was protecting herself and her children. But she took the first step to fight back the next day and went to the police. That wasn’t taken into consideration in court.

I watched Joan’s husband shake his head in disagreement and shock as if to say, "No, I could never do those things. I’m not like that." He had brought people from their church to sit in court on his behalf—men who have NO clue of the fear that Joan has had to endure. These churchmen never called Joan to hear her side of the story. They sat in support of this abuser—this man that has fooled everyone with manipulation and control. The most shocking part of the day was Joan, who had to be her own legal counsel, had to cross-examine her husband on the witness stand. He conveniently said, “I don’t remember” when Joan asked questions on cross-examination like, “Why was I upset the next morning and tell you to leave?” He told the court how they made love and Joan received his embraces and kisses ‘willingly’, and how Joan spooned him before and afterwards their feet touched as they fell asleep. She was in a fetal position shaking and crying afterwards, but he said nothing about that. We watched him boldface lie—again and again. But he’s been doing it for years so it didn’t surprise us. I wanted to throw-up listening his distorted and twisted lies spill out so easily.

Joan’s witness, her sister Katie, took the stand on Joan’s behalf to shed truth about what was said to the police the day after she was raped. She was there. She heard everything Joan said to the police. This was hard to watch Katie be cross-examined by the lawyer. Katie supported Joan’s truth and tried to right a wrong by the police. Yet it wasn’t good enough in the end. We all saw Katie be brave on the witness stand. She was (as we’ve always known her to be) truthful and direct.

After the cross-examining process, Joan presented her closing argument. I watched my friend beg the judge to please protect her and her children by granting her request. She begged. She didn’t ask like a lawyer. She begged like a woman who was afraid: afraid this man will break into her home some night and kill her, afraid that he was going to be around her children unsupervised. Yet the law wouldn’t protect her or her children. The Order of Protection was dismissed. He was free to go to their house, free to see the children. And God, I don’t get it? You didn’t move the heart of the judge to rule in Joan’s favor. Joan’s husband got away with rape (and other abuses). There was no protection, no mercy. Who will be her shield, her defender? The law? NO!!! I watched Joan crumble as her father took her in his arms, as each relative and each friend took on some of her sadness as we held her and cried.

God, I really thought you were going to come through for Joan in court. I thought the hands of justice and the hands of prayer would serve Joan. This seemed like a no-brainer to me. I figured the judge has seen men like Joan’s husband over and over again and would see right through his lies. My faith is kind of rocked right in this moment. Not because you’ve stopped being good, or stopped being in control, but because I don’t feel like I could spiritually encourage Joan again with the same confidence. For days I was saying, “Trust me Joan, God is gonna come through for you. He’s gonna protect you. He’s gonna make your case shine like the noonday sun. He’s gonna stand between you and this man whose abused you for years. He will protect you!” Lord, now I don’t know what you’re gonna do?

I know that many prayers don’t get answered. People pray for healing and don’t get healed. People pray for jobs and don’t get jobs. I’m sure millions of holocaust victims prayed for deliverance but it came too late. And I’m sure Joan’s children may have even been praying that Mommy and Daddy get back together and that prayer won’t get answered. Why do I think that I had some special link to the heart of God to convince you on this matter? I felt sure in my heart of heart that you were going to do this for Joan. Not so much because I was asking, but because it was obvious she needed your help. You help the helpless, right?  Maybe Joan wasn’t so helpless? She did the impossible yesterday and it will make her stronger. If necessary, Joan was surrounded by a posse of people that could move mountains on her behalf. We will be her justice.  We will validate what was invalidated. We will be the hands and feet of Jesus. Is that what you want?   

I know you heard every plea for Joan. I know because you are good, you have a bigger picture of why things unfolded like they did. Your ways are not my ways. I’m not going to stop praying. However, I have one more prayer request for Joan: PLEASE don’t let that man bring any harm to her again. If she has difficulty trying to deal with his asinine manipulative behavior until the day those children turn 18, fine. She won’t be fooled by it any more. If she has to struggle and eat macaroni and cheese for years to come, fine. She is pretty resourceful and we won’t let her starve. But I’m begging you God, PLEASE don’t let anything happen to Joan. The court may not have been able to legally protect Joan. We may not be able to protect her and stand guard. But what little faith I have in this moment (a mustard seed), I know that you still can supernaturally protect Joan.