Leggo My Ego

“There is nothing wrong with change, if it is in the right direction.” ~Winston Churchill.

Have you ever been forced by life to do ‘the hard thing’ you didn’t want to do? Of course you have. I’d be curious to know what the hard thing is in your life that is forcing you into personal growth--towards greater acceptance of ‘what is’.

I have to be honest, I don’t like change: I don’t like to change my hair, I don’t like to change the clock for Daylight Savings, I don’t like take my car in to change the oil. And those are EASY things to change. You’d think by now I’d know that ‘Resistance is Futile’ because change is usually compulsory. I wish I had the attitude and maturity that takes-on whatever comes my way: Put on my ‘change hat or change shoes’ and just accessorize the hell out of change and work it. The problem with change is my unwillingness to give change an open invitation to my life before it arrives.

Dear Change, I would love for you to stop by sometime; I know deep down in the recesses of my soul that some ‘Change’ in life is good. But truthfully, I’m busy right now. When you show up, well, my life feels out of control. You probably don’t mean to do that. But I get pretty tipped over when you start requiring me to lean into the unavoidable. I’m planning on a change in the future but prefer if you wait for my invitation before stopping by. When you get my formal request that I’m wide open to your delightful company, please RSVP so I’ll know your really coming. Please don’t take this personal, it’s not you, it’s me.

Yep it’s ALL me. I want to know outcomes because I’m a control freak and I don’t like emotional pain. Change is typically uncertain. Sometimes we have the luxury of creating our own change. When that happens it’s exhilarating. I once tagged along on a ministry jaunt to California to check out another church that was doing some amazing Pastoral Community Care Outreach in their community. Every day was filled with new ideas, laughter, and new friendships. By the time I left, I was offered a job. Everything in my spirit said, “YES!” I went home, walked in the door and said to Rich, “How would you like to move to California?” To this day, it was the craziest thing he ever let me talk him into. Three months later we ‘loaded up the truck and moved to Bev-er-ly.’ Not really Beverly, but that was the song we sang driving across country with our life packed up in boxes. The next year in CA was full of change; some good change, some not so good. We were back home in IL a year later. It was truly one of the most fascinating times of my adult life. It was like I was in a Hothouse of growth. I learned so much about myself. During that season of my life, all that change seemed serendipitous in nature; there wasn’t much internal resistance.

I tell myself that even though I don’t like change, what’s the alternative: run from it, ignore it, stay stuck, be miserable, or bore people with my incessant complaining? My typical conditioned style of dysfunctional behavior is to run, ignore, and complain. If I stay in that place long enough, I even start annoying myself. If you hang around me you should slap me, like Cher in Moonstruck, “Snap out of it!’

When I get like that I HAVE to get quite and still. I have to stop thinking, or at least slow down the stream of thought. When I do, a scary but loving voice of truth arises from within: You have to go to the hard place Kim. You can’t do it alone. You’re going to have to face your fears of failure, rejection, you’re going to have to listen to others opinions of you that may or may not be fair-minded, you’re going to have to accept the outcome, you’re going to have to probably admit you blew it in some areas. This time the change you want is probably going to make you and others around you very uncomfortable. It’s not that the necessary change that’s coming is bad, it’s nobody likes change (including yourself.) So prepare yourself. Oh GEEZ! REALLY? Can’t I just opt for a lobotomy or move to Peru and call it a day?

The tag line for the old Kellogg’s commercial, “Leggo My Eggo” reminds me to leggo my ego. I don’t like change because I am pretty attached to my ego. My ego wants to protect my fragile sense of self, and wants to make my life comfortable and pain-free.  My ego is a brat. The reason I don’t like change and indulge my ego is fear.

So I don’t know what current change you’re going through (relationships, finances, health, etc.) but at the end of the day (or blog) you have a few choices: Life can either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted, it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted.” ~Unknown.