“We’re all full of flaws. Hundreds of them. They’re like tiny holes all over our skin. And like your fortune said, sometimes we shine too much light on our own flaws. But there are some people who try to ignore their own flaws by shining light on other people’s, to the point that the other person’s flaws become their only focus. They pick at them, little by little, until they rip wide open and that’s all we become to them. One giant, gaping flaw.”
~ Colleen Hoover ~
I don’t know how it’s been going for you, but it’s been a tough couple of years for me—some good things and some things out of my control. I do my best to rise up and greet the day with optimism. I try not to take my sadness or hurt out on others. I’ve felt lonely, rejected, tired and extremely misunderstood. And much of it stems from the Grand Canyon like chasm between some of my friends and family members. My heart aches because those I considered kindred spirits for years now see me differently.
I’m not the only one who feels this way. I have plenty of people who have reached out to me, or had one-on-one conversations with me because we share a similar struggle of loss, shame, and sadness. The hardest part of these relational changes is there is no way to fix it or make some relationships go back to where they were pre-Donald Trump. I feel like Donald Trump ruined so many good things, especially relationships with people who really mattered to me.
Some probably feel I’ve changed: I’m more outspoken, more zealous and opinionated (especially when it comes to human & civil rights issues, the environment, hypocrisy within the church, and democracy and political policies). I have not changed; I’m still the same blunt person. We just never had those conversations before. And until Donald Trump, I never felt the urgency to express my frank opinions. If you really knew me, knew my heart, you’d already know this about me. And if you really loved me, it wouldn’t bother you. You may have had to hide some of my posts because it’s just too many posts. My gawd, even I hate that I post so much. But some days it’s a fire hose of urgent news (news that I feel compelled to process in FB community). I too miss the days of when I just posted yoga and puppy videos all the time.
I’m not the only one who feels this way. I have plenty of people who have reached out to me, or had one-on-one conversations with me because we share a similar struggle of loss, shame, and sadness. The hardest part of these relational changes is there is no way to fix it or make some relationships go back to where they were pre-Donald Trump. I feel like Donald Trump ruined so many good things, especially relationships with people who really mattered to me.
Some probably feel I’ve changed: I’m more outspoken, more zealous and opinionated (especially when it comes to human & civil rights issues, the environment, hypocrisy within the church, and democracy and political policies). I have not changed; I’m still the same blunt person. We just never had those conversations before. And until Donald Trump, I never felt the urgency to express my frank opinions. If you really knew me, knew my heart, you’d already know this about me. And if you really loved me, it wouldn’t bother you. You may have had to hide some of my posts because it’s just too many posts. My gawd, even I hate that I post so much. But some days it’s a fire hose of urgent news (news that I feel compelled to process in FB community). I too miss the days of when I just posted yoga and puppy videos all the time.
Recently, I posted a few pictures from a protest in St. Pete--the day after Trump met with Putin. In one of those pictures, I’m wearing a large ‘Fuck Trump’ button. (I love my button. I got it when I went to Washington D.C. for the March For Our Lives rally.) I was surprised that the photo got 58 likes, hearts, thumbs up, laughing responses and over 15 comments. One of those comments cut me deeply. The Christian patriarch of the family sarcastically remarked, “Great language for representing Jesus.” Many people saw it. I got private messages. It was one more person questioning my walk with God. Usually, I get told I’m a snowflake, social justice warrior, or a Universalist and not a Christian because Rich and I are no longer Evangelicals and vote Democratic. I find it fascinating that other people (especially Christians) need to censor me and put me in my place, or label me when it comes to my personal walk with God. What the hell? I usually swear a lot when that happens.
I want to share something that you may not realize. Posting that Fuck Trump button was more about me risking being authentic and courageous then just a salty remark about Trump. Do you know how hard it is to be myself? Do you know how hard it is for anyone to truly be himself or herself before a watching world? Growing up, I was told to sit down and shut up. I was often compared to my smarter and funnier brothers and told I’d never amount to anything. Shame has a way of making you afraid to fit in and figure out how to step into your life fully. I’ve noticed when my anxiety and fear of what other people think arises, I stutter, can’t find my words, and want to remove myself from social situations. So, posting my Fuck Trump button was more about me taking steps to be fearless and confident. Brene’ Brown speaks about how shame, and worrying about what other people think, keeps us oppressed. Taking risks means I have to be vulnerable (and grow a thicker skin). Being human is a lot harder then my brain and sensitive spirit can take at times. But I press on because I like people-generally. And for the most part, I feel like most people like me-generally.
My brother was an air traffic controller. I marveled at how he could speak another language (air traffic controller language), write down coordinates, look out through binoculars at what was landing or taking off, and eat an In & Out cheeseburger all at the same time. He is the king of multitasking. It came naturally to him. My youngest brother is a drummer. He can hear things in music that I miss. If he likes a song, he could drum anything intuitively and make it sound professional. Both of them are sports savants. Yet, neither one of them could care less about politics. We never discuss it. We all have things that come naturally to us, things we gravitate to, things that we love.
Some of you will totally understand this about me. In a weird way, I feel like my personality has been shaped for ‘such a time as this.’ I know, I’m no Esther. Yet, this period in history is the time I was meant to be here, to speak out and stand up for injustice. I don’t know why? It just comes naturally. I finally have had enough courage to risk losing relationships, risk not having dear friends talk to me anymore, risk people telling me I should stop posting, risk people questioning me in emails, risk losing being left out of all the reindeer games, risk losing love that was always offered up to me freely before. I invested many years of love and friendship in my close relationships. I never, ever, thought for one minute it would be withheld because I can’t stand Donald Trump and think it’s terrible that children are taken away from their parents.
I don’t take pleasure in saying, “Fuck Trump!” Well, I kinda do because he’s such an idiot. My Fuck Trump Button perfectly expresses the energy of pent up frustration—no other word works better than FUCK! I won’t apologize for swearing when traumatized children were lied to and taken away from their parents. I won’t apologize for swearing when Trump dismisses our allies and threatens our enemies, and treats the Presidency like a reality show. If my Fuck Trump button offends you, you are missing the point.
Some of you will totally understand this about me. In a weird way, I feel like my personality has been shaped for ‘such a time as this.’ I know, I’m no Esther. Yet, this period in history is the time I was meant to be here, to speak out and stand up for injustice. I don’t know why? It just comes naturally. I finally have had enough courage to risk losing relationships, risk not having dear friends talk to me anymore, risk people telling me I should stop posting, risk people questioning me in emails, risk losing being left out of all the reindeer games, risk losing love that was always offered up to me freely before. I invested many years of love and friendship in my close relationships. I never, ever, thought for one minute it would be withheld because I can’t stand Donald Trump and think it’s terrible that children are taken away from their parents.
I don’t take pleasure in saying, “Fuck Trump!” Well, I kinda do because he’s such an idiot. My Fuck Trump Button perfectly expresses the energy of pent up frustration—no other word works better than FUCK! I won’t apologize for swearing when traumatized children were lied to and taken away from their parents. I won’t apologize for swearing when Trump dismisses our allies and threatens our enemies, and treats the Presidency like a reality show. If my Fuck Trump button offends you, you are missing the point.
I’d much rather not have to go to protests, call my senators week after week, feel sick to my stomach watching children separated from their parents at the border, or have to watch the news and read the latest political journals to stay informed on the issues. I’d rather figure out how to write books, paint weird art, search the beach for sea glass, not emotionally eat, and teach the world how to meditate and do yoga (like the 70’s Coke song says, “I’d like to teach the world to meditate in perfect harmony.”).
From the most sincere part of my being I want to say this: If I bother or offend you, Please, Unfriend Me. If you take what I say personally because we have differences of opinion, Please, Unfriend Me. If I am not someone you want joining in on the summer concerts or dinners out with the old gang, Please, Unfriend Me. If you don’t think we have anything in common anymore, Please, Unfriend Me. If I’m the topic of conversation over Words With Friends or side bar private messenger conversations, Please, Unfriend Me. If you have to hide me on your FB page but never engage with me anymore on FB, Please, Unfriend Me. And if you can’t get past the fact that I swear (a lot) or that I think Trump is the biggest mistake in political history, Please, Unfriend Me. Because, I’m not going to stop standing up to the present GOP or Trump until they are voted out or impeached. Honestly, friends, I don’t want anyone to waste their one-and-only life for one second talking about feeling offended at my Fuck Trump button or anything else I post. I want to give everyone a break from me-really I do. I wish you good will. I send you love. I want you to spend your energy talking about things that lift you up and bring you peace. Maybe someday we can be friends again? Maybe not. I'll let you decide. But I will always think of you with love and gratitude for the time we did have together. It’s okay, click UNfriend. 😃
From the most sincere part of my being I want to say this: If I bother or offend you, Please, Unfriend Me. If you take what I say personally because we have differences of opinion, Please, Unfriend Me. If I am not someone you want joining in on the summer concerts or dinners out with the old gang, Please, Unfriend Me. If you don’t think we have anything in common anymore, Please, Unfriend Me. If I’m the topic of conversation over Words With Friends or side bar private messenger conversations, Please, Unfriend Me. If you have to hide me on your FB page but never engage with me anymore on FB, Please, Unfriend Me. And if you can’t get past the fact that I swear (a lot) or that I think Trump is the biggest mistake in political history, Please, Unfriend Me. Because, I’m not going to stop standing up to the present GOP or Trump until they are voted out or impeached. Honestly, friends, I don’t want anyone to waste their one-and-only life for one second talking about feeling offended at my Fuck Trump button or anything else I post. I want to give everyone a break from me-really I do. I wish you good will. I send you love. I want you to spend your energy talking about things that lift you up and bring you peace. Maybe someday we can be friends again? Maybe not. I'll let you decide. But I will always think of you with love and gratitude for the time we did have together. It’s okay, click UNfriend. 😃
I leave you with this:
“May you be free from anger, afflictions, fear and anxiety.
May you learn to look at yourself with the eyes of understanding and love.
May you be able to recognize and touch the seeds of joy and happiness.
May you learn to identify and see the sources of anger, craving, and delusion within.
May you know how to nourish the seeds of joy in yourself every day.
May you be able to live fresh, solid, and free.
May you be free from attachment and aversion, but not indifferent.” ~Thick Nhat Hanh
May you be free from attachment and aversion, but not indifferent.” ~Thick Nhat Hanh
