David Bowie died this month. He was 69-years old. We all felt older. I'm telling you, he was just 29-years old the other day. He was frozen in time in our minds. The following week, actor, Alan Rickman, and Glen Frey of the Eagles died of cancer too. I noticed on social media it personally disturbed many of us. For a split second the thought crosses our mind, are we next? Death is the great curtain call. And of course, cancer sucks and took them all too soon. At this age, do we all feel a bit closer to our own mortality when people we (sorta know) leave this mortal coil?
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-changes
Just gonna have to be a different man (woman)
Time may change me
But I can't trace time
Death is strange and we have to face it. Music and movies allow us to go inside our minds and grapple with all sorts of unspoken, pensive emotions: loneliness, terror, love, rage, regret, time, uncertainty, possibility, beginning and endings. Death catches us off balance: Time marches forward whether we like it or not. And the mind wants to pull us backwards to fond attachments, avoiding whatever is inevitable.
When David Bowie died, I think many of my friends, myself included, were forced to officially review the reluctant part of our brains that protects us from wrapping our intellect around our own passing.
I think, if all goes well, I have at least 30 more years. But what if I only have 20 of 10 or 3 more years? Then I think about my parents who are in their 70's now. That totally freaks me out. The upside is it reminds me to text or Skype with them more.
In life, someone is always going ahead of us, paving the way. People have modeled to me how to love, be a family, be a good citizen of earth. I've seen people show me how to face illness with strength and grace. I've known people who have died. But nobody talks about how they REALLY feel about this upcoming event. What's going on in their minds? I'm so curious.
I want to ask my parents if they have an inner sandglass going on in their minds too? They are 20 years ahead of me. What does it feel like to be older? I don't ask because I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. Are they scared? I know my mom is afraid to have a knee operation. But she's more afraid of the recovery pain. When I'm old, if you're younger than me and inquisitive, feel free to ask me about how I'm feeling about death. Let's talk about it. It's trippy stuff.
Rich and I talk about death more and more (he talks about it way more than me). Whose going to go first? How many more years will we have left? How will it happen: accident, disaster, disease? Can we make a pact and go together? Will there be enough drugs around to make it painless? Will it happen quickly? Will we have time to say goodbye? I want to make a music video like David Bowie before I go. Will we be surrounded or alone? That's a lot of uncertainty for one's spirit to grasp while trying to go to sleep at night. Life, if anything, is full of impermanence and things we can't control.
I'm still grieving Fred's sudden death. There is a breathless ache in my chest if I bring his sweet face to mind. I wonder if I will be like Alan Rickman (see meme) when it comes to holding on to that 'always' kind of love for Fred? If I think about Fred to long, I start to cry. I hold the memory only long enough before the tears fall. It's amazing how much humans want to avoid the depth of grief we're meant to process. The worst part: the house has a dullness to it. There is nothing more remarkable then the lighthearted, loving energy a dog brings to the home. I throw one extra ice cube (that previously would have been given to Fred) in the sink and say, "For Fred."
I'm in a bit of a funk. I need to listen to more music and watch more movies. Feeling is necessary, even when I kinda want to avoid it.
