The Conflict Is Me

One day, maybe, my great grandchildren will look back in history and wonder where we stood on things? Will we be on the right side of history or the wrong? Through the ages, people have been convinced that they are doing the right thing for themselves, their families, and their country. 

I’ll tell you honestly that I’ve had tons of conflict in my life. Since the earliest days of my life I can remember scrapping with my younger brother Rich, then silent wars with my parents, then petty jealousies or misunderstandings with my girlfriends. Later I grew to have intense conflict with others who disagreed with my religious beliefs; they were wrong and I was right. Of course, I often used the God Trump-Card. To make life salty, add in two marriages with a few exes and some disgruntled kids. And that isn’t even the half of it. I haven’t mentioned political differences, the in-laws or relatives, or co-worker or bosses I’ve had disagreements with over the years. I’ve had more conflict than I would ever imagine one life could or should have. 

 There is one person who is the common denominator? Satan? No. Not really! But he is easy to blame, when I don't want to look inward.  It’s ME. Me and my conditioned mind that participates in all conflict. I’m the one who was the center of all scuffles. In many of these disagreements I was convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was right and ‘they’ were wrong. I justify my reason to have the conflict. Often, I thought, the people I was in battle with were stubborn, selfish, impossible, and mean. That always gave me even more reason to be in conflict. 

I was in denial that somehow, I probably contributed to the conflict.  I failed to admit that my ego was kinda getting off on being right at times. I failed to admit that I was scared shitless that my vulnerabilities would be exposed, so I wouldn’t give in or apologize. I failed to admit that I wanted to be heard. I failed to admit that I am famously known for having a pitch in my voice and looks that could kill. Body language is 90% Tone 8% helpful words used 2%. 

Yesterday I felt like the world had officially gone mad. A plane was shot out of the air at 30,000 feet with 295 people on board going to vacation. Many of them were aid-workers. Their twisted bodies were scattered in a field for all to see on Huffington Post. Within the same day, Israel initiated a ground invasion against the Palestinians in Gaza to find tunnels. Women and children and the elderly were huddled in homes listening to sirens and bombs shaking the earth and demolishing apartment buildings around them. The horror of just one day of imagining what that could have been like for any one of those innocent victims was too much for me.  

WHY? Why have we not evolved more as inhabitants of this planet? Why can’t we solve our conflicts in ways that are civil and fair-minded? Why does my hate and your hate still rule the day? Why are people still oppressed or marginalized? Why are children killed and nobody mourns because they are Muslim or just collateral damage? A few weeks ago, 70 people were shot in one weekend in Chicago. The media announces bad news and nobody blinks an eye. And let’s be honest, it’s because they are black and poor. It’s not in my neighborhood; out of sight out of mind. Not my conflict!

It’s always amazed me that when a white Hollywood actor dies of an overdose, it’s on the news for days and days.  We grieve and mourn how their career and life have been cut short. There life seems more valued and honored than others. How can we turn our back on children at our borders? Why are people blocking the boarders and screaming at tired wayfaring women and children to go back to their drug-lord infested land that they just walked thousands of miles to escape from? We can’t even find the energy to walk to Starbucks! How is it that we put patriotism or religion over human rights? If that isn’t the most twisted thing ever, I don’t know what is?! God must cry at all our ego-centered conflicts, agendas, and defensiveness. For it all ends poorly. 

Many spiritual texts tell us how to live well and be at peace. We just don’t follow it when we’re triggered. We cry, ‘But it’s their fault! 'They' made me do it! I'll never speak to them again, ever!! I'm going to block them! We're done!!" Where is understanding? Where is forgiveness? Where is love? God made it pretty simple how to get through life: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and mind, and love your neighbor as yourself. (This was the optional scripture, right?) 

There have been consequences for demanding to be heard and demanding to be right. Every conflict that exists adds to the collective negative energy on this planet. When Rich and I get into a fight, Fred starts barking (even before our voices are raised). The energy in the room has shifted and he knows it. Sometimes the poor dog has had to bear our ugly moments. Sometimes we have to tell him, “It’s okay, Fred, mommy and daddy are fine, we’re just trying to figure something out right now.” Then we have to make sure that he is physically comforted and assured that the pack is back together. Children are traumatized by the negative anger and hate in their homes and countries too. 

I’m ashamed at all my ego-centered conflict, both large and small over the years. In some weird, quantum physics, interconnected way, I feel my conflict has contributed to wars and planes being shot out of the air. If I had I been more of the peacemaker that I claim to be, if I would truly own my shit, what would happen? What if we all did?