The Clergyman: Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday.
Mawage, that bwessed awangment
It started out as an innocent conversation. I
was telling Rich that I was thinking about the concept of actual flaws versus
perceived flaws because of my crooked sunglasses and spatula feet (but that’s
another story). In a few weeks, we’ll be married for 25-years. Flaws and
Quirks: This is a conversation that all married couples should have, right?
Over lunch I said, “Lets talk about our flaws
and quirks—what’s perceived and what’s actual.” He just tilted his head like a
dog and said, “Huh?”
Besides, I was in an open-minded mood and felt
prompted within my spirit to practice setting the ego aside to listen. I
promised him it was safe. We were in a public restaurant and I wouldn’t walk
out or throw anything. (Not that I’ve ever done that….publicly.) We both
laughed at how potentially dangerous this could be, but took a deep breath in
and began to share honestly and boldly.
Rich talked first about me. “Okay, your flaws?
You are ‘ruthlessly’ honest. If you think you should say something, if you are
upset, you feel obligated, compelled—in fact, you cannot NOT say something. On
a scale of 1-10, you are a probably a 6 now. You used to be a ‘ruthlessly’
honest 10. You’ve gotten better. Others may perceive you as being blunt. Often
you give the unvarnished truth and then you wonder why people get upset. This
bluntness is a frequent flaw. I’d say it’s compulsive.”
I smiled and nodded and said, “Continue.”
“Another flaw?” he questioned. “Well,
sometimes you can be irritable. 95 to 98% of the time you’re chilled, easy
going, etc., but when you are under stress or pressure, if you’re running late,
if people are coming over, or you’re trying to do 5 things at one time, you can
be really irritable…touchy. And if I’m nearby you’ll likely blame it on me. And
if I try to calm you down, it’s even worse. I interjected, “Telling me
not to be upset only makes me more upset, you know?” “Yes, I know that now.
I’ve learned after 25 years. But that too has gotten better, and it’s only
under certain conditions.”
“Should I continue?” Rich asked. “You have
gotten much better at saying ‘I’m sorry’, but you’re still a bit like Fonzie.
It doesn’t come easy. Sometimes, you won’t often actually say the words, it's
more like I just notice you’re talking to me again later in the day after an
argument, which is your way of saying I’m sorry.” I cringed. “I always felt
guilty about not saying I’m sorry more. You’re so good at it. Saying I’m sorry
felt like the most vulnerable thing in the world. I know when I’m wrong. But it
was too scary to hear myself say that out loud. I was more prideful too when I
was younger. It’s a learned family flaw handed down generationally.”
“Oh, and something else!” He was on a roll
now. He was getting comfortable, almost freewheeling with the flaws
record. At this point, I assured our waitress that we were not fighting.
I smirked and he said, “It’s very rare,
but very real--when you are really mad, you can be completely irrational. I’d
say maybe once a month you’re irritable, but twice a year you are irrational.
It’s takes a perfect storm of circumstances building up, but when that happens,
it’s like an electric pole got knocked over, and the high-tension wire snapped,
and now there’s a live wire whipping around uncontrollably. It can be hard when
you’re like that because I don’t know how to handle it. So I cut a wide path.
If not handled right on those rare occasions, it’s like high-voltage…it could
be deadly.” “Well, your still alive today, and nothing was ever thrown at your
head. I didn’t kill you, so it couldn’t be that bad?”
I was feeling pretty positive about my maturity
to listen to Rich tell me some of my flaws without wanting to walk out of the
restaurant. And so I mentioned, “What about my habit of being controlling?”
“Oh yeah, I forgot that one. That’s the biggest
one. That trumps the others.”
“What do I control?”
[Pause] “Everything!”
“Geez, everything?”
“Everything! The room temperature, the remote
control, driving the car.”
“Yeah, but it’s only fair, because you got to
drive the first 22 years of our marriage. We have an egalitarian marriage.”
“It’s more than that. You hate being a
passenger. You’re the ultimate back-seat driver. You control our social
calendar. Even the direction of the toilet paper has to be the way you like it. If I'm cooking, you have to tell me how much oil to use or not use. It’s endless.”
“Yeah, but I only control things because you
have no need for order in your life. Things don’t matter to you. I know I will
pick that towel up eventually, but you’d just leave it there. You don’t even
notice when I throw stuff out. Somebody has to be in control?” (At this point I
realized that control was a hot button issue because I was trying so hard to
justify my behavior. I didn’t even blink when he told me the other flaws.)
Rich continued, “Did I mention that you’re
co-dependent too?”
I quipped, “Did I mention that you always have
to be right?”
He took the hint.
“That about covers it. And I still love you,
and think you’re wonderful. It’s only because you asked. So now it’s your turn.
What flaws do you see in me?”
Ironically, I am actually pretty patient and
accepting of Rich’s flaws. So I told him, “I can handle your flaws, it’s your
quirks that drive my batty.” (This is what I meant by a perceived flaw versus
an actual flaw.)
So he helped by telling me his flaws, “What
about my passivity?”
“Yes, that’s true, if I don’t tell you to do
(most) things, you don’t even think about them--like your own kids or grandkids
birthdays and gifts. I know you love everyone, but actions speak louder than
words.”
He continued, “And I’m always in my head!”
“Lord only knows what you’re thinking about?
Most of the time I know it’s a song you’re thinking about because of your
incessant tapping.”
“I’m non-confrontational in the extreme!”
“Isn’t that the truth?” I jeered. “There were
hard conversations through the years that needed to happen with others. But you
were always the good cop (Everyone Loves Raymond) so I had to be the bad cop. I
spoke up, because you wouldn’t. If you’re upset with someone you will say
things to me behind their back how you’re really feeling, but you won’t say it
to their faces.”
“Yeah, I know.” He said.
One of his flaws came to me finally. I said,
“You’re a total goof-off and don’t plan for the future. I think that comes from
your religious fundamentalist days, when you thought Jesus was going to return
next week or sooner. The future just doesn’t matter to you. Nothing matters.
Okay, that’s your biggest flaw, nothing bothers you. Not even me! I’d never put
up with me!”
In a moment of humility, He said, “I think I
can be egotistical too. I can dominate a conversation, because I think I like
to hear myself talk. I am often processing out loud, and in doing so I hog the
conversation. I think pretty highly of myself sometimes and I know it.”
I didn’t add anything. It was an honest moment
and I didn’t want to beat him up for his flaw. I’ll wait until we get to his
quirks. I just nodded, “yeah, I see that from time to time. But like I said, I
can handle your flaws, easier than your quirks.”
Rich responded by saying, “I think that’s
because many of my flaws—passivity, non-confrontational, etc.—have a positive
side. What I mean is, when you and I are in an argument you’re probably glad I
give in easily, and when you’re having a bad day or being difficult you’re
probably glad I don’t confront you. So being non-confrontational looks like a
fault when I don’t confront others, but it is a virtue when I’m
non-confrontational with you. But that’s probably me trying to justify my
flaw.”
“Right. Like me saying I’m not blunt I just
want to be honest about a problem that needs to be addressed or put on the
table. Or I’m not controlling, I just want to make sure things get done or there
is order. This is how we live with ourselves. We look at our weaknesses as
strengths.”
‘Maybe that’s what real love is—learning to see
the strengths in each others flaws.’
“Okay, but let’s talk about quirks. That’s what
really gets to me. It drives me crazy when you tap incessantly, whistling songs
from 1940’s, touching your face, using your seminar hands while talking about
anything, recounting conversations with others you’ve been upset with and
chatting to me about the other person in the second person (‘‘’you’ shouldn’t act like that…….”) and
people think you are talking about me. Talking with your mouth full…..it’s
endless. Oh, and it bugs me how you clear your throat constantly, how you
grossly underestimate how long something will be (5 minutes turns into 20
minutes), how you groan all the time, and how you daily complain about little
things like the heat, or that you’re tired, or that you have aches and pains.
Whew, glad I got that off my chest!”
He said acceptingly, “You’ve got me there. I’m
a whiner. I think that’s a flaw, not a quirk. But I just do that with you.
Nobody else would know that. I need to stop doing that.”
We both laughed. The waitress looked relieved
and asked if we wanted dessert.
This is where he turns into ‘Mr. Op-to-Mistic-Man’
(always looking to spin a negative into a positive).
“But when it’s just a quirk, not an
actual flaw, maybe it is your impatience that is the problem, not my quirk?”
“No”, I insisted, “it’s a quirk!”
Trying to persuade me he says, “I have always
tried to see your quirks as endearing. The way you are always planning (and 3
steps ahead), the way you make to-do lists….and not just for yourself but for
others. Like if someone is going to dog-sit Fred, you not only leave a to-do
list, but post-it notes to indicate where his dog food is and times to feed
him; and a post-it note to remember to close the door so Fred doesn’t get out,
etc. I think that is cute. Others might think that was OCD! And your
germaphobia, rather than let it annoy me, I try to recognize the motive behind
it and actually try to view it as a good reminder to me to be conscientious
about germs.” “How often do you get sick?” I questioned. “Not too often. But if
you could put me in a hazmat suit after being out of town for a few nights, you
would.”
“Only you know how quirky I am about germs.”
“Everyone knows how quirky you are about
germs!”
It was a rare but good conversation. I
think we did pretty good talking about our flaws and quirks. I’m not sure every
couple could do that. Nobody got hurt. We’d gladly do another 25-years together
if God allows.
We both agreed our flaws probably have a
logical explanation. Like, I probably naturally control things because I was the
firstborn and always in charge of my brothers. If my little brothers wanted to
do something a different way, they were messing with the divine order of
things. It’s probably why I thought I should be a queen.
Rich was probably passive growing up because he
was the youngest and just naturally gave in (being a twin), and accepted the
way things were. His life was easy being the baby of the family.
As we walked out of the restaurant I noted,
“The only way were similar with our flaws and quirks is we both procrastinate,
and we both leave the stove on.”
Rich said, “When you think about it, it is good
that we’re the opposite of each other in many ways, because we complement each
others weaknesses.” [Thinking to myself: I really need to come up with a theme
song to hum every time he starts doing his Op-to-Mistic Man.]
I smiled and said, “There’s no doubt that we
are both better people because we have been open to coming to the middle with
each other.”
“Yep, kind of like the scene in Rocky when he explains
to Paulie why he likes Adrian, ‘she’s got gaps, I got gaps, and together we
fill gaps.”
He starts to whistle the Rocky Theme song.
“Great, now I’ve got that song in my head!”
Aug 7th
2013 will be our 25th Anniversary, so I’ll
blog next month Part 2 Marwage- Wuv, tru wuv and talk about our
strengths and blessings.
After 25 years of marriage one of the
secrets is learning to even see the flaws and quirks as a good thing. Marriage
is two imperfect people learning to bring out the best in each other by
recurring cycles of conflict, forgiveness, and growth.
By the way, if our grandkids ever get ahold of
this blog, they’ll realize that their grandparents weren’t oblivious to all
their faults. We just thought we’d lay it out there so you heard it from us
first (or second).
