“Well, I might as well tell you, I’m seeing someone”, Kevin rattled off nervously at the end of our dinner together at Grills in Cape Canaveral. I almost leaped up and hugged Kevin, but held myself back. Instead, I looked at Rich and we gave each other a high-five. “See, God answers prayer. I’ve been praying and fasting!” I had been too. I squealed with motherly delight. Kevin had survived a difficult year getting over the one and only girl he thought he’d ever love, Patrice. Ten months ago, Patrice suddenly broke off their four-year relationship. It shattered and confused Kevin. Nobody prepares you for your first real breakup; he just didn’t have the tools. He knew he blew it big time with Patrice. But it was only after losing her that he realized how much he was capable of loving, and how much regret he had for not being the boyfriend she really needed. Kevin and I talked for hours the first couple of months after the split. It pained me to hear him so devastated. There were many good things that came out of Patrice breaking up with Kevin. We both agreed it was necessary for him to be a better person (maybe someday a better boyfriend or husband). However, that didn’t make it easier. I still shutter when I think of how bad it got.
Last summer I went down to FL to see Kevin. I felt like I was on a mission from God (cue the Blue Brother's Peter Gunn Theme in my head). Something told me that I needed to have some face-to-face time with Kevin. I offered to come down there a few times right after the breakup, but he told me he was okay. He was protecting me and minimizing his own personal pain. Rich got down there a couple of times so I felt a little better. However, after Rich’s last visit in May, I knew something was wrong. So I lied about coming down there in June and told him I was taking yoga classes.
Over dinner at Grills in June, he told me with tears in his eyes that on 3 different occasions he put his 9mm gun to his head. I remember grabbing his arm and steadied myself not to start crying so he would keep talking. He was serious as he told me the details of the position of the gun and it’s tight trigger effect. He made it clear all it took was millisecond. The visual in my mind made my stomach turn and my legs weak. Kevin recounted how much physical and emotional pain he was in. He hadn’t slept in months; his back was in constant spasms. He just wanted to get out of pain. I understood what he meant. I’ve visited that dark place before and had my own dark year of the soul. The mind is a fragile place when it has unprocessed grief. Nobody wants to commit suicide they just want out of their pain. After our dinner, I went back to my hotel and called Rich and cried until I fell asleep.
I knew Kevin was in trouble and still not over Patrice six months after they broke up. I was beside myself with fear and needed to get that gun from Kevin. All I could do was pray. In the morning I got my answer: Go see Danny (Kevin’s dad, who hates me by the way). I needed his support so I could get the gun away from Kevin. I needed back up. Deep down Kevin has always wanted Danny’s approval, so I knew he would listen to his dad.
When I showed up at Danny’s house, Emily (Kevin’s sister) answered the door. I didn’t know if she recognized me. Although, the shocked look on her face meant she probably did. Nervously I said, “Emily, It’s me, Kevin’s mom, is your dad home?” Danny approached the door. He was not happy to see me and stepped outside on the front porch. Trembling I said, “Danny I need your help, Kevin’s in trouble and has tried to kill himself with his gun 3 times.” With that, he dropped the angry look and became Kevin’s dad. Like me, Kevin had been telling his father he was okay when he really wasn’t. I told Danny I wasn’t leaving Cocoa Beach until I got that gun away from Kevin, but I needed Danny to keep it.
Later that day, I told Kevin he was going to give his gun to his dad or I was not leaving. Kev knew me well enough to know it was true. As much as Kevin pushes back on just about everything I say, he knew this was a “don’t mess with mama moment.” I think on some subconscious level, he knew it was necessary. So we drove over to his dad’s house. We all helped Kevin process the latest news that Patrice was also now dating again. The poor kid went from such intense sobs of grief (that the relationship was finally over) to rising waves of anger when he realized that he just wasted so much time hoping (even praying) she’d come back. With that hurtful news, Kevin offered up his gun to his dad.
I will forever be grateful to Danny (and his wife Barb) for those three healing hours. Kevin’s father outwardly put aside his hatred for me. He was present in Kevin’s pain and listened to his son explain many feelings. There were things Kevin needed to say about his anger and what it was like growing up in a divorced family. I kept asking questions and Kevin kept talking. Not many kids have the chance to tell their parents how painful and frustrating it was to be in the middle of their divorce. I hoped that some of that stubborn anger would begin to dissolve. His dad saved Kev’s life by keeping the gun until he got on the other side of this ‘season of hurt’. I know that I was so close to losing my son to his own tortured soul.
So let’s fast-forward again to the present at Grills Restaurant. Hearing Kevin say with a smile on his face he was seeing someone was wonderful news. Then, without missing a beat he said, “And she’s a dancer at the strip club!” My son is dating a stripper! “We’ve been seeing each other for a few weeks and taking things slow.” He recounted how they met and started hanging out. “Here name is Madison.” He said beaming as if her name was as pretty as she was. I sorta forgot for a moment that she was a stripper. I mean, what do you say? He started to show me photos of her (he had to cover her body and just show Rich her face). A million things went through my mind in these few minutes before we left the restaurant. I went to the bathroom, made sure it was empty then actually looked up and said, “You are funny God. Really? You have a great sense of humor. Oh my God, God!!!”
Could I be loving towards my son’s new girlfriend even though she’s a stripper? Of course, yes! If ever there were two people this girl would be lucky to have as boyfriend-in-laws it was Rich and I. We’ll do everything in our power to look past it; no judgment. Besides, Madison is young and what she does is not who she is. This dear girl is special in the eyes of God and apparently in the eyes of my son. I have no right to judge Madison. I know if I’m honest, I sorta did at first blush. But Lord knows I have my own past. The storyteller in me knows it’s hilarious on some level. All mothers have preconceived ideas of the kind of girls their sons would bring home. Kevin was raised in a very conservative Christian home. We are not right-wing conservatives anymore. Instead, we’ve mellowed out and have far-reaching love for others outside the church--those that usually have no voice or advocates in fundamental Christian circles. Jesus is our example. He hung out with those who were outcasts; those who did things for a living that were questionable.
I’ve long given up burdening my Christian cultural beliefs on Kevin. He’s free to explore his own faith with God. I have a deep trust that God’s got a plan for Kevin’s life; and it’s between the two of them. My job is just to love and accept. Yes, sometimes I’d like Kevin’s life to be neat and tidy so I didn’t have to be praying all the time—worrying about his choices (some of which have been dangerous) unchecked hypertension, guns, underground racing just to name a few.
I had the pleasure of meeting Kevin’s new girlfriend. It was so cute to see them holding hands and sitting close together. I never get tired of watching young love. Madison has the most gorgeous blue eyes. She likes cats, is a vegetarian, and plays the violin. She loves her baby sister and older brother, and is close to her dad and mom. She has more manners than Kevin. I busted out laughing when she slipped with her Southern charm and said ‘Yesss Ma’am!” Madison has a great sense of humor and laughed with us. She was shy, which was natural. I wondered if she wanted us to ask about her job or not? Part of me wanted to just get it out of the way so we could just move on in case she felt worried how we were really feeling. I chose to keep it light and easy. If Madison wanted to talk about it, I’d let her lead the way. I wanted her to know that I could see past what she does and instantly liked her very much.
Strangely enough, I already feel protective of this new gal. I think about all that Madison has to endure night after night. What kind of negative energy does she take on? As a woman, I know she only does it for the money. I judge the scummy men (my issues) who reduce these beautiful girls into objects of sexual lust for their own immediate gratification. And for whatever reason, she is comfortable with that. I hope Madison will give me a chance to have real conversations with her as time rolls on and she learns to trust us. I hope Kevin warned her that I don’t do superficial very well. I want to get to know what makes her tick. I won’t try to change her; that’s not my job. I truly want to know Madison as a person. And as much as I love my son, I don’t have much in common with him when it comes to all things cars and video games. It would be great to have some female energy around to help balance things out.
As for Madison and Kevin, this relationship will unfold how it’s supposed to; it’s all-new. I hugged Kev as we left Grills and told him, “I just want you to be happy.” If he really knew the truth, the whole stripper thing was a perfect move in God’s playbook to deal with me. He was just lovingly smacking me upside my ‘stereotypical Christian worldview head’ that’s why I think it’s funny. I’ve come a long way from my dogmatic days. Nowadays, the only thing that would have challenged me more was if she was working for Glen Beck. “Oh God, please don’t let her be a Tea Partier! I don’t think I could handle that, especially in an election year!” Just kidding. :-D
(Thank you Kevin & Madison for allowing me to share this story.)
