To Sleep, Perchance to Dream.

"To sleep, perchance to dream-
ay, there's the rub."~Hamlet

I once was a deep sleeper and a napper for most of my adult life. Oh the days when I used to wake up ‘naturally’ without the alarm. I miss those days. Sleep became erratic a few years ago. It was the perfect storm: perimenopause started, change of job, change of relationships, change of identity. I started waking up in the middle of the night. Then it turned to waking up long before dawn in a cold sweat with chest pains. Suddenly I realized I was now a light sleeper: The dog would move and I’d feel him. Rich would snore and I’d hear him. I’ve actually kicked both (lightly). Don’t they know I NEED to sleep? I resented them both for being able to be able to fall asleep in 30 seconds.

Sleep is a commodity that I don’t take for granted now. It is both healing and essential. Without it, over time, your body may start to talk back to you with unexplained symptoms. Your body does speak your mind. For me, I didn’t recognize that a seismic shift (spiritual, emotional, hormonal) was taking place that would alter my life forever. My body and spirit wanted my attention and she was going to get it. 

In 2008, I started taking Ambien (after a few months of having murderous thoughts towards my dog and husband for waking me up night after night). I figured it was the lesser of two evils. Have you ever taken Ambien? That stuff is like crack. When you’re desperate, you’ll do anything to sleep. A few of my friends received my ‘Ambien drunk’ emails. Just before I’d fade off to sleep, I’d write senseless random thoughts to friends. I’d wake up in the morning to emails saying, “What the heck is up with you?” Rich would tell me that I was hilarious about 15 minutes before falling asleep. Ambien was like truth serum for me. I’d babble on and on about whatever was on my mind. I had no recollection of what I said or did—complete amnesia. Taking Ambien may seem harmless at first. I’d take one pill before bedtime and would be out like a light 20 minutes later. Soon that didn’t work. So I’d take two Ambien pills and be out like a light in 1 hour. Eventually, going to sleep was taking longer and longer. (I’ve always needed more drugs then a normal person. If Rich licks an Ambien, he goes into a coma.) Soon I was taking 2 ½-3 Ambien but was not falling asleep for 2 hours. You know where this is going, right? Yep, addiction to prescription drugs and self medicating with other drugs. Nobody knew. I JUST WANTED TO SLEEP!

There were other factors that year too (that I’m not ready to write about yet, maybe some other time in the future). Let’s just say that I was under A LOT of stress. What does your body produce when you’re under stress? Cortisol. We all know that Melatonin is the cozy hormone that helps you go to sleep. Cortisol is the fight, flight hormone, but it’s also the hormone that helps you wake up each morning. Who knew? So when your body is flooded with Cortisol, your sleep cycle is going to be affected—big time! Cortisol is a functioning hormone secreted by the Adrenal Cortex (that sits on top of the Kidneys). It is used for ‘in the moment’ times of survival or stress to prepare you for alertness such as: a lion is chasing you, a confrontation with someone or if you need to take a school exam, etc. The upside of Cortisol is it’s a powerful anti-inflammatory; many of us have used a form of it topically for the skin or needed a shot for pain. But the downside is, if our body produces too much Cortisol (due to stress) for too long because we can’t shut off the flight or flight switch there are risks: weight gain, connective tissue breakdown. We’re even put at risk for musculoskeletal injury, osteoporosis, and it suppresses the immune system’s response to disease and infection. And (in my case) it also messes with your sleep/wake cycle. Long term stress = pain in some form or another. 

So I had to get the stress levels down immediately. That took an epic restructuring of my life. Many things were altered permanently. Including, letting go of some toxic relationships and codependency. I needed to learn how to nurture myself, hold strong boundaries, and factor in down time, and rest when I could not sleep. I had to make sure that every day I did ‘nothing’ for 20 minutes: to just BE. Try it; it’s not that easy. I also had to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up because the ‘mom position’ that I had held for decades had recently been downsized.

As God would have it, He brought a few new tools into my life that were incredibly healing and ‘out of the box’ for me. I started doing yoga and meditation. I learned how to breathe properly. And I took a doctor recommended two-week cross-country trip by myself for to learn how to just ‘BE’. I highly recommend all of those tools.

When life gets too full for me, I stop sleeping. I only get about 4-5 hours of sleep a night. That is not good. Nobody looks good on 4-5 hours of sleep night after night. I don’t even need to be stressed out; just good ole busyness will cause me to wake up with Jesus and the birds. I’m in that busy season of life again. It’s difficult because I went two years of recovering normal circadian rhythm night after night. It’s a bummer when I ‘can’t’ sleep-in on my days off. For me, I have to be intentional about making sure I exercise, and stay off the ‘other’ crack (sugar). But the most important thing: make sure to BREATHE before I go to sleep. Deep breathing like the ocean. (Inhale……breath comes in…..like the water to the shore. Exhale…..breath goes out…..like water going back out to sea.) And I listen to the sound of the breath as it rises and falls. Our breath kinda sounds like the ocean we used to hear while holding up a seashell as kids.

Some days, when I don’t get enough sleep (which happens more then I like), I’ll make sure to do Yoga Nidra. Yoga Nidra is similar to that wonderful time at the end of yoga class when you’re in Final Relaxation—but much longer. It’s that hammock floaty time. I will do 10 to 40 minutes depending on the need. Yoga Nidra simply put is conscious deep RELAXING sleep: Actually, it is a meditative state where you remain in the Wake State, go past the Dreaming State, and go to Deep Sleep, yet remain awake. I don’t know why they don’t call it Yoga Wake instead of Yoga Sleep? The intention isn’t to go to sleep. However, it can help you prepare for sleep or alertness. I know, it sounds far out.  Rich tried it a couple of times and feel asleep in 30 seconds (I guess his body needed it). I usually drift in an out of a semi conscious state but am able to be intentional about staying awake.  The Yoga Nidra I’ve done is usually [involves listening to] a CD of a woman talking through a body scan—very calming.  You gently focus the mind while allowing thought patterns, emotions, sensations, and images to come and go without attachment or judgment. It’s easy to do and very safe and relaxing. Some people have ‘aha’ moments or feel spiritually more connected to God because they’ve finally turned off the noise in their head. I haven’t had any real ‘aha’ moments yet. But I am thankful to God that Yoga Nidra is a relaxing option that’s so beneficial for my body/mind. Some people catch up on their sleep over the weekend. I don't. So I do Yoga Nidra when I don’t get the normal 8 hours of sleep a night I need.

The good news is for three years I’ve been off all drugs. It took 6 days to detox from Ambien (and other drugs). Rich has great stories of me acting like I was on an acid trip while trying to get off the stuff. Three days of no sleep will do that; followed by three more days of only 2-3 hours of sleep per day. Note to Self: NEVER try to go cold-turkey when getting off of any kind of drugs. I was told I was lucky I didn’t go into shock. Finally one morning I woke up naturally again 8 hours later.

Nowadays, I fall asleep in 2 minutes. Did you get that insomniacs? I’ll say that again. I fall asleep in 2 minutes. All because of knowing now how to properly breathe. If you don’t know how to breathe correctly, check out a little sleeping baby. Their belly rises when they inhale, and the belly falls when they exhale. Most of us are shallow chest breathers. One of the greatest benefits to deep belly breathing (besides all the extra oxygen your brain gets), belly breathing helps you stop obsessive thinking if you follow your breath.

A girl needs her beauty sleep! Not to mention that a full sleep cycle will burn more calories when we experience REM sleep. I’m all about loosing calories without having to do sit-ups. :-D

As for the dog and the husband still keeping me awake with snoring? They go in the other room three nights a week when I have school the next day. Nobody gets hurts and everyone sleeps like a baby. Oh and earplugs and sound machines help too.