I Feel Your Pain

Rich and I were having a conversation about body pain. He has occasional neck pain (from years of sleeping on his stomach with one arm behind his back). Rich’s head isn’t on straight. I’m kidding. But it’s true. His shoulder/neck have serious asymmetrical tension holding patterns. How is he not in pain every single day? I have no idea. 

How Rich hold's his head normally 

When I put his head up straight

I have back pain (from 

disk herniation(s) and arthritis). Walking to the bathroom in the middle of the night or when I first get up in the morning, I look and feel like an 80-year old woman. 

Rich was watching me do yoga one morning. 

Rich: You are really good about moving your body. 

 (I guess it's time to let him in on something in case he trips over me in the middle of the night on the way to the bathroom.)

Me: I wake up every morning with pain. I have no choice. 
Rich: Really? I never knew that? I’m surprised to learn this. 

Me: For the past 13 years, I haven’t gotten out of bed without pain at a level 6-8. 

It’s why I do yoga in bed and then I get on the 

floor do yoga. The pain level then goes down to a 2-3. I can live with that. 
Rich: No kidding? Really? 
Me: You see me do yoga every morning. That’s why. I couldn’t walk otherwise. 
Rich: You never complain. 
Me: Could you imagine if I complained about this every day for 10 years?
Rich: No, I guess not.
Me: Oh my gawd, who wants to listen to that? I don’t want to listen to myself complain about it. Part of me doesn’t want to speak that into existence day after day either. 
Rich: You can complain if you want. I don’t mind.
Me: Awe, you’re sweet. No, I don’t want you to have to listen to me complain about my aches and pains. I save my open complaining

for bigger things like the emotional pain that my soul has to confront: seeing kids taken from their parents at the border, POTUS 

mocking a sexual assault survivor and the millions of sexually harassed or assault survivors who feel dismissed and ridiculed by 

him or the GOP, or missing my son, the kids, and grandkids, or loss of dear friendships because of politics, pipe bombs being delivered to 14 national figureheads by the #MAGAbomber, growing Anti-Everyone in our country. 

Rich: Yeah, that does hurt you more. 
Me: So many people are dealing with much worse things like grief, cancer, fear of the future because of no health care, or job loss. I have it really good. 

The instability in my back is something I manage. I’m curious about it. Even though I wish I didn’t have to manage it, I don’t confront it.

I have tools (awareness, movement, stillness, and breathwork). I learned early on:

“A short practice that you do every day is

better than a long practice you keep putting off to tomorrow.” ~Kelly McGonigal Yoga For Pain Relief

I sleep with pillows to keep my hips level if I sleep on my side. If I sleep on my back, pillows are under my knees (this is the best way to sleep for me AND bonus I don’t get as many wrinkles). 

The biggest contributing factor for many spinal issues is that we don’t sit properly. If I sit on the couch, I am all propped up like the Queen of Sheba so I don’t slouch and tuck my tailbone under (which is the #1 reason people have lower back issues). Sitting on a tucked tailbone creates so much compression and tensegrity tension. If I eat out at a restaurant, my feet don’t touch the ground (I feel like Edith Ann). I have to sit with one or both legs crossed under me. When I drive, I have the heated seat on, keeping my lower back warm (even in Florida). If I drive long distances, I use a stretchy-jersey strap to keep my legs parallel so my legs don’t splay open causing SI joint issues. I also use an ice pack. When I take off the ice pack, a supply of new blood-flow rushes to that area. 

Just like brushing my teeth, there are a few things that I do daily: therapeutic breathing, gentle yoga asanas (poses) and restorative yoga. Moving and resting poses like Cat/cow, child’s pose, spinal balance, arch & flatten pelvic tilts, and breathwork. 

I move ONLY in my pain free range of motion; I don’t go for the stretch. I go to the soft edges of the discomfort. This is the important part: then I back out of the stretch or movement about 10-20%. I'm just hang out here and notice what is working and what's not working; what's moving and what is not moving that should.  

There is connective tissue called fascia (that’s wrapped around the muscle and individual muscle fibers).  If it’s tight, I feel it. When 

I move my body slowly, the fascia unwinds and relaxes. I have to be patient and observe.

My life often revolves around my own form of ‘occupational yoga’ to keep my back pain level low. It’s served me well. This is why I teach yoga therapy and meditation. I know what it’s like to be in pain (mentally and physically). I do all this so I don’t have to take any kind of medications. No more taking Ibprohen 600-800 or Tylenol. That just about killed my liver. I now have Eastern medical tools that are thousands of years old at my disposal. It works. 

Sometimes, there is an emotional link to the back pain. Often pain will manifest somewhere in my body. I notice when I’m feeling deep sadness or stress. Emotional sadness will show up in my chest and breathing patterns. The discomfort will then show up in my upper back (thoracic spine). If I’m feeling unsupported, it can often show up in even greater instability in my low back or left hip. Remember, our body is linked to our minds and spirits. We are not parts; that’s a very mechanical Western Medicine way of looking at things. 

"When you change your mind about stress, you change your body's response to stress." ~ Kelly McGonigal Yoga For Pain Relief

I can’t tell you how important it is to pandiculate 

each day (look at how your cats and dogs move each morning). They stretch out their bodies so naturally. The first thing Buddha does when he wakes up is stretch (full on up-dog and down-dog pose and low spinal balance-opposite arm and opposite leg stretching out). 

Down Dog Morning Stretch

Wake up and stretch and look sexy

Explore those edges of your heart and mind: notice if you are breathing deeply or two shallow when you move or rest, notice where you are holding all your tension, notice if you are moving dysfunctionally. Also, are you trying to take on too much, take on other people’s issues, etc? Are you taking too many strides when you need to rest? Or are you retreating (or hiding) to a safe place not doing anything in the way of self-care? All those choices will show up in our thoughts then eventually show up in our bodies. 

Sometimes I have fears. What will this back of mine feel like when I’m 70 or 80? Like that lyric in Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody: 

“Sends shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.”

Every now and then my back will go out. I could sneeze and it could go out. I step off a curb wrong, it could go out. If I bend over and twisted at the same time (putting my spine in too many movement planes), it could go out. 

I went to a museum a few months ago because my back went out. I had to have Rich push me around in a wheel chair. I didn’t feel like the Queen of Sheba that day. I spent 3-days on ice and doing slow restorative yoga to bring healing to my body. 

Wheel chair at the Museum

Sometimes for kicks and giggles, my knees get sassy too. I get a little testy with my body when they gang up on me. 

Me: C’mon, Body, work with me. Joints, you can’t all rebel on me at the same time! 
Body:  Yes we can! You're not 25 years old anymore. Deal with it, Kim. 

I’ve learned to be patient with this body I inhabit. We all have asymmetry in our bodies. We all have undiscovered tension patterns. We all have emotional thoughts that affect our bodies; most of us are unconscious about them. 

I meet my body every day where it is. I don’t compare one day from the next. I don’t even try to change it. I try to interact with it; Things get better moment-to-moment; and sometimes, things will get worse; and then it gets better again. 

Yoga isn’t a cure all. In fact, you can get hurt in yoga (just like you can get hurt doing Pilates or lifting weights)--especially if you “push too far into the pose and well past what is truly available in your body in the moment” I see that happen all the time with clients and students. They listen to their teacher's cues instead of listen to their body. They come to class or a session hurt or in pain because they ignored the basic fundamentals of ‘just moving in your pain free range of motion or moving with ease and breathe all at the same time.” 

Try telling a type A personality to slow down or move with ease and breathe. Try telling that to someone who is refusing to trust themselves to their bodies own intuitive wisdom. I see their setbacks all the time. Most of us want to be fixed now! Yet, we are not in control; our body has it’s own healing timetable; our body has more to teach us about ourselves THROUGH our aches and pains.

If your moving, sitting, breathing, sleeping, and eating patterns are dysfunctional, pain is going to show up. If you are eating poorly, pain is going to show up. If you are in an emotionally hard season of life, physical pain may show up. So be kind to yourself.  

We have to learn to be aware of how our body moves and breathes at rest and in motion. I play with all these factors every day; I’ve become more efficient. I’m always curious about what is revealed. I don't resist. Each day, I just show up and observe. That’s all. It’s fascinating. 

#Why I Didn't Report

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The Best Is Yet To Come

On August 7, 2018, Rich and I have been married for 30 years. It truly is mind-boggling that 30 years have gone by.

The day we got married in 1988 was the hottest day of the year. It was 90+ degrees. We got married in the morning at 11:00am in a gazebo in Highland Park. Our guests sat with the east sun beating down on them. We were in the shade, on the stairs of the gazebo. We read our wedding vows (posted below for posterity) as two young people wanting so much to ‘do and say’ the right thing without much knowledge how to apply it. After our ‘I do’s we served cake and punch. Our French, chocolate mousse wedding cake with white whip-cream frosting melted just after it was served to everyone. By 12:00pm, everyone was gone; we fed our 4 kids McDonalds on the steps of the gazebo before we headed off to Galena, IL for 3 days by ourselves, then 2 weeks in Disneyworld with all 6 of us as a family. It seemed like a good idea at the time to take our kids on our honeymoon. 

People have told us that we are an ideal couple. On social media and in life we have fun and engage with each other like best buds without apology. We openly love and appreciate one another. However, we are far from perfect. But we are pretty content and happy with each other as life-partners. Yet, we have grown into what everyone sees played out in public. It’s sincere and real. But it’s evolved. There are dear friends who have walked along with us and have witnessed hard times as well as good times. 

I could write a novel about our first 30 years together.  The first 10 years were lots of drama (There was a lot to overcome as two imperfect people with complicated pasts trying to blend a family into what we naively hoped would be the Brady Bunch.) I was a spit-fire. Rich was too passive. We tried our best, but those initial years together were far from our dreams of marriage. We had to accept a lot of narratives and drama from other people whose lives intersected with ours, and many things that were out of our control; along the way we had to find a happy medium. Those were the hardest years. We were not emotionally mature enough to handle other people’s expectations on top of our own expectations. We tried our best. We often hurt each other in the process to make everyone happy. And, really, deep down, nobody was happy. We were scared to be ourselves with each other for fear of losing one another. But we hung on.

The second 10 years we were busy. Our careers were taking off.  We had a great support system in our church. Those friendships helped us navigate our setbacks and insecurities. The kids were doing their own thing as teenagers and young adults. We learned how not to step on each other’s toes as much. With church and our faith, and our unwillingness to let go of each other it seemed like sheer dumb-luck that we made it to our 20^thAnniversary. However, that year, 2008, I had clinical depression for what seemed like the longest year of my life. First my body was shutting down, then my mind. Everything came to a halt. It was terrifying; I was slipping away. Rich hung on tight for fear of losing me. I’m so glad he did. He knew it wasn’t personal. I had some unconscious family of origin issues, grief, and grand disappointments that I finally was forced to address.

Only God could have known how fragile my existence was the 20^thyear of our marriage—in sickness and in health. My depression turned out to be best thing that ever happened to me (after marrying Rich). Conscious shifts happen because I took serious learning how to live in the present moment. I took to heart the verse: “Be still and Know”. Instead of flailing like a person drowning, I got still and just floated—occasionally doing some doggy paddling. My body was able to heal. I was free from a lifetime of unexplained negative noise in my head. God was lifting me up to a place of awareness and healing I never dreamed possible. 

When our life comes tumbling down, we tend to blame everyone around us for our pain. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. It was just time. Time to go to the next level of release and transformation. All those things the first 20 years of our marriage, things that I felt so awful about failing (our kids, each other, our families, etc.) were only misguided thoughts. Rich intuitively knew it before I did. Neither one of us had the language or insight the first 20 years to navigate the mind.

The last 10 years, we’ve learned how to be more ourselves with each other. Our marriage has been more of a curious adventure. There is nothing to fix. We are at ease. We are doing our own things with our vocations. We are both independent and reliant with each other. The kids have all grown up and moved on with their lives. We cheer them on, up in the ‘family section’ of their balcony. But at the end of the day, it’s just the two of us. And we enjoy being together. We are each other’s confidant and best-friend. We still have one or two things that we haven’t perfected in our marriage. About once a year we have a long talk that is a bit heated; I usually walk out of the room and wish I just run off to Paradise (oh wait, we live in Florida). We worry. We wonder. We accept. The totality of our life together has helped us grow to be who we are today. We are two perfectly flawed people who understand that marriage is both mundane and magical. 

We decided to go to New York City for our 30^thAnniversary and renew our wedding vows in Central Park. Wouldn’t you know it, the day we renewed our vows, it was also the hottest day in NYC. Wedding cake would have melted again.

We decided to be intentional about the next 30 years together (Lord willing). We don’t know how much time we’ll have left together. Life is unforeseen and fragile. 30 years has already passed us by. It feels greedy to ask for more years together; but we hope it’s another 2-3 decades. And now that we are, ahem, more mature, we are aware of making conscious choices as a couple. There are always things to improve upon. Not because we have to, but because we want to. We merged our mindful-vows together (see below) and created new marriage intentions. These are more honest, vulnerable vows--things we have collectively learned together. So here’s to the next 30 years, or 30 days, or whatever God gives us to share—one day at a time. Still in love, and still trying to figure it all out. 

NEW 30^TH ANNIVERSARY Conscious Wedding Vows: 

“I can’t believe we have been together for 30 years. What a miracle when I think of how unconscious I’ve been for most of those years. In spite of all our struggles and my internal struggles, I’m grateful that you’ve loved me so completely. I have never wanted to be without you.  When I think of a conscious marriage (mind/body/spirit), I think of a few things: commitment to continually awakening to our true selves, taking captive thoughts that no longer serve us, emerging from a false self and anything that holds us back from loving each other.

• ·      I vow to take responsibility for my own happiness. If I’m happy, you’ll be happy for me.
• ·      I vow to face my fears, addictions, and insecurities that keep me from intimacy (when I do that, I’ll be free and able to express creative, joyful love).
• ·      I vow to see myself, and you, through God’s eyes. This frees us up to be at ease.
• ·      I vow to take care of myself physically so I don’t have to live with self-loathing or hatred.
• ·      I vow to be more conscious of being fully present--without concern about the next moment and the next—learning to be fully alive with you each moment as it unfolds. 
• ·      I vow to provide a safe place for you to feel completely accepted and cherished just for who you are.  
• ·      I vow to living ageless: letting go of fears or negative ageism thoughts such as, ‘I’m too old for this or that.’  Instead I will celebrate and honor living a vibrant life. 
• ·      I vow not to compare myself, or your self, to our past bodies. Offering grace and acceptance instead. 
• ·      I vow to get my ego out of the way so in body, mind and spirit we can unite at higher levels than ever before.  
• ·      I vow to keep learning how to break down any walls of defensiveness that I have built up to protect my insecurities and to live each day as if there were no tomorrow. 
• ·      I vow to dance more (hopefully with you too) to release wild and free energy.
• ·      I vow to read more poetry together so we can muse and be astounded by the spirit guidance to higher things.
• ·      I vow to be more adventurous (even if it scares me).
• ·      I vow to say what I mean and mean what I say, without being mean (except if rushed or “hangry”).
• ·      I vow to look at you in the eyes more and tell you how amazing you are, remind you that you’re the kindest soul in the world and I’ll never get over that I married you.
• ·      I vow to pursue my callings & dreams and not wait for things to happen magically.
• ·      I vow to care for and attend to doing more things that make you happy.
• ·      I vow to play more like kids, be more silly, and young at heart.
• ·      I vow to cuddle and kiss more (because you’re the best kisser and cuddler).
• ·      I vow to live and love in the present moment (so we can enjoy this one and only life God has given us, for as long as he has given us). 
• ·      I vow to be your twin flame now and forever.

I want you to know that you are loved totally and completely each and every day we have together and to likewise be completely free to enjoy your love for me. I want to be united at our core, as deep as is humanly possible—and at every level of our being. I want you to know that if I was given a million lifetimes to choose who to be with, I would choose you each and every time. You are the only one. You are all that I want, and all that I need. I will love you faithfully for all time.”

For Posterity: Original August 7, 1988 Vows

Rich,
I love you so much, I’m so happy that you’ll be my husband. I do thank God each day for bringing you into my life. As well, as Adam, Sarah, April for I love them so much. I look forward to being their stepmother, for they are wonderful kids. I love Kevin and I couldn’t ask for a better stepfather for him. Together in our home and our new family we will provide the love and security they need.

I am overjoyed to have this moment to tell you that I will love you each day that God gives us life to share. I will always be honest and open with my heart, my life, and will continually seek to grow, for you and our family.

I’m happy that the Lord will be the center of our home. He will guide us and teach me how to love you, be forgiving, how to lift you up, and care for you, and give you the tenderness, intimacy and appreciation you need and deserve.

For you are my treasure that God gave me and I feel so blessed to be your wife.

I pray that together our relationship with God will grow, and He will make us happy in ourselves, and each other, forever. And before God and my family and friends, I commit myself to you in marriage.


Kim,
I love you with all my heart, and with gladness take you to be my wife.
I want to fulfill your need for love and understanding, for intimacy and companionship, for as long as we both shall live.

I thank God for giving you to me, and together want to honor him in our home.
Following the teaching and example of Christ, in the pursuit of kindness, truthfulness and love.

Into this marriage I bring three children whom I dearly love, Adam, Sarah, and April. I commit them to your care as their stepmother. I also accept with joy the responsibility of being a stepfather to your son Kevin.

Together I want to demonstrate our commitment to family life in an atmosphere of unconditional love for all. I promise to always be faithful and honest, as well as compassionate, tender, and caring--with the help of God’s Sprit within me.

And now in the presence of God, my family and friends, I commit myself to you in marriage. 

Please, Unfriend Me

 



“We’re all full of flaws. Hundreds of them. They’re like tiny holes all over our skin. And like your fortune said, sometimes we shine too much light on our own flaws. But there are some people who try to ignore their own flaws by shining light on other people’s, to the point that the other person’s flaws become their only focus. They pick at them, little by little, until they rip wide open and that’s all we become to them. One giant, gaping flaw.”

 ~ Colleen Hoover ~

I don’t know how it’s been going for you, but it’s been a tough couple of years for me—some good things and some things out of my control. I do my best to rise up and greet the day with optimism. I try not to take my sadness or hurt out on others. I’ve felt lonely, rejected, tired and extremely misunderstood. And much of it stems from the Grand Canyon like chasm between some of my friends and family members. My heart aches because those I considered kindred spirits for years now see me differently.

I’m not the only one who feels this way. I have plenty of people who have reached out to me, or had one-on-one conversations with me because we share a similar struggle of loss, shame, and sadness. The hardest part of these relational changes is there is no way to fix it or make some relationships go back to where they were pre-Donald Trump. I feel like Donald Trump ruined so many good things, especially relationships with people who really mattered to me.

Some probably feel I’ve changed: I’m more outspoken, more zealous and opinionated (especially when it comes to human & civil rights issues, the environment, hypocrisy within the church, and democracy and political policies). I have not changed; I’m still the same blunt person. We just never had those conversations before. And until Donald Trump, I never felt the urgency to express my frank opinions. If you really knew me, knew my heart, you’d already know this about me. And if you really loved me, it wouldn’t bother you. You may have had to hide some of my posts because it’s just too many posts. My gawd, even I hate that I post so much. But some days it’s a fire hose of urgent news (news that I feel compelled to process in FB community). I too miss the days of when I just posted yoga and puppy videos all the time.  

Recently, I posted a few pictures from a protest in St. Pete--the day after Trump met with Putin. In one of those pictures, I’m wearing a large ‘Fuck Trump’ button. (I love my button. I got it when I went to Washington D.C. for the March For Our Lives rally.) I was surprised that the photo got 58 likes, hearts, thumbs up, laughing responses and over 15 comments. One of those comments cut me deeply. The Christian patriarch of the family sarcastically remarked, “Great language for representing Jesus.” Many people saw it. I got private messages. It was one more person questioning my walk with God. Usually, I get told I’m a snowflake, social justice warrior, or a Universalist and not a Christian because Rich and I are no longer Evangelicals and vote Democratic. I find it fascinating that other people (especially Christians) need to censor me and put me in my place, or label me when it comes to my personal walk with God.  What the hell? I usually swear a lot when that happens.
  

I want to share something that you may not realize. Posting that Fuck Trump button was more about me risking being authentic and courageous then just a salty remark about Trump. Do you know how hard it is to be myself? Do you know how hard it is for anyone to truly be himself or herself before a watching world? Growing up, I was told to sit down and shut up. I was often compared to my smarter and funnier brothers and told I’d never amount to anything. Shame has a way of making you afraid to fit in and figure out how to step into your life fully. I’ve noticed when my anxiety and fear of what other people think arises, I stutter, can’t find my words, and want to remove myself from social situations. So, posting my Fuck Trump button was more about me taking steps to be fearless and confident. Brene’ Brown speaks about how shame, and worrying about what other people think, keeps us oppressed. Taking risks means I have to be vulnerable (and grow a thicker skin). Being human is a lot harder then my brain and sensitive spirit can take at times. But I press on because I like people-generally. And for the most part, I feel like most people like me-generally. 

My brother was an air traffic controller. I marveled at how he could speak another language (air traffic controller language), write down coordinates, look out through binoculars at what was landing or taking off, and eat an In & Out cheeseburger all at the same time. He is the king of multitasking. It came naturally to him. My youngest brother is a drummer. He can hear things in music that I miss. If he likes a song, he could drum anything intuitively and make it sound professional. Both of them are sports savants. Yet, neither one of them could care less about politics. We never discuss it. We all have things that come naturally to us, things we gravitate to, things that we love.

Some of you will totally understand this about me. In a weird way, I feel like my personality has been shaped for ‘such a time as this.’ I know, I’m no Esther. Yet, this period in history is the time I was meant to be here, to speak out and stand up for injustice. I don’t know why? It just comes naturally. I finally have had enough courage to risk losing relationships, risk not having dear friends talk to me anymore, risk people telling me I should stop posting, risk people questioning me in emails, risk losing being left out of all the reindeer games, risk losing love that was always offered up to me freely before. I invested many years of love and friendship in my close relationships. I never, ever, thought for one minute it would be withheld because I can’t stand Donald Trump and think it’s terrible that children are taken away from their parents.

I don’t take pleasure in saying, “Fuck Trump!” Well, I kinda do because he’s such an idiot. My Fuck Trump Button perfectly expresses the energy of pent up frustration—no other word works better than FUCK! I won’t apologize for swearing when traumatized children were lied to and taken away from their parents. I won’t apologize for swearing when Trump dismisses our allies and threatens our enemies, and treats the Presidency like a reality show. If my Fuck Trump button offends you, you are missing the point.

I’d much rather not have to go to protests, call my senators week after week, feel sick to my stomach watching children separated from their parents at the border, or have to watch the news and read the latest political journals to stay informed on the issues. I’d rather figure out how to write books, paint weird art, search the beach for sea glass, not emotionally eat, and teach the world how to meditate and do yoga (like the 70’s Coke song says, “I’d like to teach the world to meditate in perfect harmony.”).

From the most sincere part of my being I want to say this: If I bother or offend you, Please, Unfriend Me. If you take what I say personally because we have differences of opinion, Please, Unfriend Me. If I am not someone you want joining in on the summer concerts or dinners out with the old gang, Please, Unfriend Me.  If you don’t think we have anything in common anymore, Please, Unfriend Me. If I’m the topic of conversation over Words With Friends or side bar private messenger conversations, Please, Unfriend Me. If you have to hide me on your FB page but never engage with me anymore on FB, Please, Unfriend Me. And if you can’t get past the fact that I swear (a lot) or that I think Trump is the biggest mistake in political history, Please, Unfriend Me. Because, I’m not going to stop standing up to the present GOP or Trump until they are voted out or impeached. Honestly, friends, I don’t want anyone to waste their one-and-only life for one second talking about feeling offended at my Fuck Trump button or anything else I post. I want to give everyone a break from me-really I do. I wish you good will. I send you love. I want you to spend your energy talking about things that lift you up and bring you peace. Maybe someday we can be friends again? Maybe not. I'll let you decide. But I will always think of you with love and gratitude for the time we did have together.  It’s okay, click UNfriend. 😃 

I leave you with this:

“May you be free from anger, afflictions, fear and anxiety.

May you learn to look at yourself with the eyes of understanding and love.

May you be able to recognize and touch the seeds of joy and happiness.

May you learn to identify and see the sources of anger, craving, and delusion within.

May you know how to nourish the seeds of joy in yourself every day.

May you be able to live fresh, solid, and free.
May you be free from attachment and aversion, but not indifferent.”  ~Thick Nhat Hanh

I Picked A Bad Week To Quit Drinking

"I picked a bad week to quit drinking."

This month, it's been 8 years since I've started writing a monthly blog. I have two rough draft blogs that I've been taking notes: one on the Ending Child Separation at the border, and one on the LGBTQ community and my first Pride Parade. However, the world has gotten a little too intense. Almost 3000 children are separated from their mommies and daddies since April 2018. I can't even comprehend that! SCOTUS upheld the Muslim Ban. Justice Kennedy is retiring next month. I still can't believe that Anthony Bourdain committed suicide. Each day, there is a fire hose of news that is life altering for many. I watch it. I wonder. I'm troubled by many things this month. I feel stalled out. My words seem flat. Every time I sat down to write, Buddha came over and sat ON me. I always stop and put down my laptop; he helps get me into the 'real' moment. My words can wait. The more I thought about it, maybe Buddha was trying to tell me something. Don't write. Do my words even matter in the grand scheme of things? There will be other days and other months to pour out my heart--to share why I'm upset, happy, or hopeful. But I couldn't let this anniversary month pass without sharing something. Here are random pictures from the last 6 months. They won't mean much to anyone. Each one has a story. They mean a lot to me.  

I was quiet but I was not blind. ~ Jane Austin 

What??? He's always watching me.

Sunset are incredible where we live.

Biking along the ocean.

Dog Days of Summer w/Buddha

My Familia 

He looks good in a Cadillac (rental) 😉

Two of my favorite humans-Andy Judge & Rich

Sunset Tucson AZ 

100+ year old Saguaro Cactus

Brother Rich, his usual stance when talking to me! 😂

Andy Judge showing us where he leaves water for  Migrants w/ Humane Borders 

Ellen & Thomas (SIL & Nephew) AZ 2018

Granddaughter Aliya-May2018 AZ

Grandson Tyler-May2018 AZ

Grandson AJ-May2018 AZ

Buddha happy to be outside. 

Detained Immigrant Bands

Stop what you're doing mom and just BE with me. 

End Child Separation Rally June 2018

End Child Separation Rally

Vegan hot spot: Cider Press Cafe, St. Pete.

Um, I can't get any writing done with you on my lap.

Abstract poppy flowers

Sure, I'll pose just this once. 

Says it all

Yep! 

Chilling with my favorite Buddha

Riding the Pinellas Trail with Tamara on Pedegos

A tired, muddy dog is a happy dog. 

Before the Eagles Concert

No Swimming No Surfing

Beach hair, don't care

Happy 2nd Birthday to me! 

Purple Tree-Kelly's Boom Chica Boom 

The Space Between Us All-Sterling Gallery Beatles Show

Bro, Ellen, and Rich in Orlando

Siblings doing sibling things

Prayers before the Peace March 

Love this tree at the Highland Festival April 2018

Spent hours at the Newseum Washington D.C. 

Sign Sign everywhere a sign...March 2018.

March for Our Lives Washington D.C. 2018

Washington D.C. 

Bird of a feather flock together. 

Gravity-Dunedin Fine Arts Center #SMF Show

Morning Meditation-Sunrise through my window

And just like that, he naps...FINALLY. 

Sunset on Honeymoon Island

My Florida Buddy, Loraine. Getting cheeky together. 

Washington D.C. March For Our Lives  2018

Buddha thinks Chino's life is cooler than his life. 

Buddha trying to get Rich's attention for dinner. 

Pelican on the dock giving me the side eye

Buddha waiting for something??? 

Yep, it's finally come to this!

Dunedin Oranges

Women's March 2018 St. Pete FL 

Me & My Honey Marching in Jan 2018 Women's March

Safety Harbor Groovy Elephant 

Drag Queen Eyes for Pride 

Randy & MaryEllen Pride Parade St. Pete

Buddha feeling the Pride

#LoveWins

"I'm too sexy for my shirt."

My boys! They ground me and make me feel love!