The Best Is Yet To Come

On August 7, 2018, Rich and I have been married for 30 years. It truly is mind-boggling that 30 years have gone by.

The day we got married in 1988 was the hottest day of the year. It was 90+ degrees. We got married in the morning at 11:00am in a gazebo in Highland Park. Our guests sat with the east sun beating down on them. We were in the shade, on the stairs of the gazebo. We read our wedding vows (posted below for posterity) as two young people wanting so much to ‘do and say’ the right thing without much knowledge how to apply it. After our ‘I do’s we served cake and punch. Our French, chocolate mousse wedding cake with white whip-cream frosting melted just after it was served to everyone. By 12:00pm, everyone was gone; we fed our 4 kids McDonalds on the steps of the gazebo before we headed off to Galena, IL for 3 days by ourselves, then 2 weeks in Disneyworld with all 6 of us as a family. It seemed like a good idea at the time to take our kids on our honeymoon. 

People have told us that we are an ideal couple. On social media and in life we have fun and engage with each other like best buds without apology. We openly love and appreciate one another. However, we are far from perfect. But we are pretty content and happy with each other as life-partners. Yet, we have grown into what everyone sees played out in public. It’s sincere and real. But it’s evolved. There are dear friends who have walked along with us and have witnessed hard times as well as good times. 

I could write a novel about our first 30 years together.  The first 10 years were lots of drama (There was a lot to overcome as two imperfect people with complicated pasts trying to blend a family into what we naively hoped would be the Brady Bunch.) I was a spit-fire. Rich was too passive. We tried our best, but those initial years together were far from our dreams of marriage. We had to accept a lot of narratives and drama from other people whose lives intersected with ours, and many things that were out of our control; along the way we had to find a happy medium. Those were the hardest years. We were not emotionally mature enough to handle other people’s expectations on top of our own expectations. We tried our best. We often hurt each other in the process to make everyone happy. And, really, deep down, nobody was happy. We were scared to be ourselves with each other for fear of losing one another. But we hung on.

The second 10 years we were busy. Our careers were taking off.  We had a great support system in our church. Those friendships helped us navigate our setbacks and insecurities. The kids were doing their own thing as teenagers and young adults. We learned how not to step on each other’s toes as much. With church and our faith, and our unwillingness to let go of each other it seemed like sheer dumb-luck that we made it to our 20^thAnniversary. However, that year, 2008, I had clinical depression for what seemed like the longest year of my life. First my body was shutting down, then my mind. Everything came to a halt. It was terrifying; I was slipping away. Rich hung on tight for fear of losing me. I’m so glad he did. He knew it wasn’t personal. I had some unconscious family of origin issues, grief, and grand disappointments that I finally was forced to address.

Only God could have known how fragile my existence was the 20^thyear of our marriage—in sickness and in health. My depression turned out to be best thing that ever happened to me (after marrying Rich). Conscious shifts happen because I took serious learning how to live in the present moment. I took to heart the verse: “Be still and Know”. Instead of flailing like a person drowning, I got still and just floated—occasionally doing some doggy paddling. My body was able to heal. I was free from a lifetime of unexplained negative noise in my head. God was lifting me up to a place of awareness and healing I never dreamed possible. 

When our life comes tumbling down, we tend to blame everyone around us for our pain. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. It was just time. Time to go to the next level of release and transformation. All those things the first 20 years of our marriage, things that I felt so awful about failing (our kids, each other, our families, etc.) were only misguided thoughts. Rich intuitively knew it before I did. Neither one of us had the language or insight the first 20 years to navigate the mind.

The last 10 years, we’ve learned how to be more ourselves with each other. Our marriage has been more of a curious adventure. There is nothing to fix. We are at ease. We are doing our own things with our vocations. We are both independent and reliant with each other. The kids have all grown up and moved on with their lives. We cheer them on, up in the ‘family section’ of their balcony. But at the end of the day, it’s just the two of us. And we enjoy being together. We are each other’s confidant and best-friend. We still have one or two things that we haven’t perfected in our marriage. About once a year we have a long talk that is a bit heated; I usually walk out of the room and wish I just run off to Paradise (oh wait, we live in Florida). We worry. We wonder. We accept. The totality of our life together has helped us grow to be who we are today. We are two perfectly flawed people who understand that marriage is both mundane and magical. 

We decided to go to New York City for our 30^thAnniversary and renew our wedding vows in Central Park. Wouldn’t you know it, the day we renewed our vows, it was also the hottest day in NYC. Wedding cake would have melted again.

We decided to be intentional about the next 30 years together (Lord willing). We don’t know how much time we’ll have left together. Life is unforeseen and fragile. 30 years has already passed us by. It feels greedy to ask for more years together; but we hope it’s another 2-3 decades. And now that we are, ahem, more mature, we are aware of making conscious choices as a couple. There are always things to improve upon. Not because we have to, but because we want to. We merged our mindful-vows together (see below) and created new marriage intentions. These are more honest, vulnerable vows--things we have collectively learned together. So here’s to the next 30 years, or 30 days, or whatever God gives us to share—one day at a time. Still in love, and still trying to figure it all out. 

NEW 30^TH ANNIVERSARY Conscious Wedding Vows: 

“I can’t believe we have been together for 30 years. What a miracle when I think of how unconscious I’ve been for most of those years. In spite of all our struggles and my internal struggles, I’m grateful that you’ve loved me so completely. I have never wanted to be without you.  When I think of a conscious marriage (mind/body/spirit), I think of a few things: commitment to continually awakening to our true selves, taking captive thoughts that no longer serve us, emerging from a false self and anything that holds us back from loving each other.

• ·      I vow to take responsibility for my own happiness. If I’m happy, you’ll be happy for me.
• ·      I vow to face my fears, addictions, and insecurities that keep me from intimacy (when I do that, I’ll be free and able to express creative, joyful love).
• ·      I vow to see myself, and you, through God’s eyes. This frees us up to be at ease.
• ·      I vow to take care of myself physically so I don’t have to live with self-loathing or hatred.
• ·      I vow to be more conscious of being fully present--without concern about the next moment and the next—learning to be fully alive with you each moment as it unfolds. 
• ·      I vow to provide a safe place for you to feel completely accepted and cherished just for who you are.  
• ·      I vow to living ageless: letting go of fears or negative ageism thoughts such as, ‘I’m too old for this or that.’  Instead I will celebrate and honor living a vibrant life. 
• ·      I vow not to compare myself, or your self, to our past bodies. Offering grace and acceptance instead. 
• ·      I vow to get my ego out of the way so in body, mind and spirit we can unite at higher levels than ever before.  
• ·      I vow to keep learning how to break down any walls of defensiveness that I have built up to protect my insecurities and to live each day as if there were no tomorrow. 
• ·      I vow to dance more (hopefully with you too) to release wild and free energy.
• ·      I vow to read more poetry together so we can muse and be astounded by the spirit guidance to higher things.
• ·      I vow to be more adventurous (even if it scares me).
• ·      I vow to say what I mean and mean what I say, without being mean (except if rushed or “hangry”).
• ·      I vow to look at you in the eyes more and tell you how amazing you are, remind you that you’re the kindest soul in the world and I’ll never get over that I married you.
• ·      I vow to pursue my callings & dreams and not wait for things to happen magically.
• ·      I vow to care for and attend to doing more things that make you happy.
• ·      I vow to play more like kids, be more silly, and young at heart.
• ·      I vow to cuddle and kiss more (because you’re the best kisser and cuddler).
• ·      I vow to live and love in the present moment (so we can enjoy this one and only life God has given us, for as long as he has given us). 
• ·      I vow to be your twin flame now and forever.

I want you to know that you are loved totally and completely each and every day we have together and to likewise be completely free to enjoy your love for me. I want to be united at our core, as deep as is humanly possible—and at every level of our being. I want you to know that if I was given a million lifetimes to choose who to be with, I would choose you each and every time. You are the only one. You are all that I want, and all that I need. I will love you faithfully for all time.”

For Posterity: Original August 7, 1988 Vows

Rich,
I love you so much, I’m so happy that you’ll be my husband. I do thank God each day for bringing you into my life. As well, as Adam, Sarah, April for I love them so much. I look forward to being their stepmother, for they are wonderful kids. I love Kevin and I couldn’t ask for a better stepfather for him. Together in our home and our new family we will provide the love and security they need.

I am overjoyed to have this moment to tell you that I will love you each day that God gives us life to share. I will always be honest and open with my heart, my life, and will continually seek to grow, for you and our family.

I’m happy that the Lord will be the center of our home. He will guide us and teach me how to love you, be forgiving, how to lift you up, and care for you, and give you the tenderness, intimacy and appreciation you need and deserve.

For you are my treasure that God gave me and I feel so blessed to be your wife.

I pray that together our relationship with God will grow, and He will make us happy in ourselves, and each other, forever. And before God and my family and friends, I commit myself to you in marriage.


Kim,
I love you with all my heart, and with gladness take you to be my wife.
I want to fulfill your need for love and understanding, for intimacy and companionship, for as long as we both shall live.

I thank God for giving you to me, and together want to honor him in our home.
Following the teaching and example of Christ, in the pursuit of kindness, truthfulness and love.

Into this marriage I bring three children whom I dearly love, Adam, Sarah, and April. I commit them to your care as their stepmother. I also accept with joy the responsibility of being a stepfather to your son Kevin.

Together I want to demonstrate our commitment to family life in an atmosphere of unconditional love for all. I promise to always be faithful and honest, as well as compassionate, tender, and caring--with the help of God’s Sprit within me.

And now in the presence of God, my family and friends, I commit myself to you in marriage.