Note to Self

Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man.  ~Benjamin Franklin

Dear Future Kim,

I just wanted to give you a heads up in 2011 so you can move forward and not go backwards. Note to Self: You did pretty well in 2010, but I’d like to point out some things so you don’t fall on your ass and break your coccyx again. That’s right, I said, coccyx. You know what that is now that you’ve passed your first semester of Anatomy (with flying colors I might add). Keep up the good work.  I know you like the subject matter, but what concerns me is you’ve gotten locked into ‘striving’ again. You’ve gotten away from mindful-living since school started. Remember where ambition got you before? Exhausted, with your waking prayer being, “Help me Jesus!” Getting A’s, means you won’t have a life.  However, if you stay organized, you can get B’s (which is acceptable to your ego). That way you can continue to enjoy BEING without losing your self while going back to school in 2011.  Teaching yoga classes for others and hitting the books will make you crazy if you don’t carve out time to do your own yoga practice, meditate, pray, and surround yourself with people who really ‘get you’. Don’t give away all your precious energy. So in between doing downward dog and remembering the bony landmark of the tibia tuberosity and the occipital protuberance, make sure to dial down some of your expectations of yourself and others so you can take pleasure in life

Honor your body’s natural rhythms this winter. Bears hibernate for a reason. Slow down and stay warm. Take naps when you can (don’t feel guilty). Sip warm drinks, watch funny movies, and make sure to do creative things that use the right side of your brain. That will keep you in the present moment and from worrying about next week’s tests. If you hang out in the left side of your brain too much, you’ll be drained in no time at all.

How about in 2011, you cut back on the red meat Ms. Carnivore? In fact, cut out about 500 calories each day. Turing to baloney sandwiches on Wonder Bread when other people ignore, misjudge, or disappoint is really stupid. I mean Freakin Stupid!! In 2011, it’s time to DEAL with your dependence to all things processed.  Last year your goal was to get in shape for the spring. This year’s goal for 2011 is to get in shape so the TSA don’t talk about you after you go through the scanner. As your internal self, I personally think you sabotage your weight because you don’t believe you can keep it off permanently. Look into that. Don’t worry, the answers and help will come. You intuitively KNOW what’s best for you and want to do it. Just make space for honoring all your experiences and emotions then let them go! You only have this present moment, be good to yourself!

Don’t let 2011 pass without enjoying all of those friendships that bless you in your spare time. There are also people you don’t really enjoy being around anymore because of how little they care about you. If I made a pie chart, I’d say that you spend about 15% or your mental energy trying to win these people’s approval. I know you think you are a nice person and everyone should like you-they don’t! And just because you do A, doesn’t mean it’s going to get you B. Stop waiting for relationships that are complicated to magically change into a Disney Movie. Have you ever had a cartoon blue bird land on your shoulder and start singing? NO! Get over it Pollyanna! Accept those parts of your life that may always be complex. If it changes, great! If it doesn’t, move on! Remember when you were a kid after a storm? You’d hop on your bike and try to chase after the rainbow? Some things can never be reached, so let go of false hope. In your heart of hearts you know where you tried. Accept things as they are, not what you want them to be.

 Also, remember, nothing is ENTIERLY your fault. You’ve been doing better with that, but you have a ways to go. Stop taking on all the responsibility for other people’s behavior or attitudes. Take a deep breath, smile, and walk away. Oh and Kim, it’s okay to walk away, not call, not text, not show up, etc. Those who want to do life with you will invite you to sit at the table. Those who don’t really want to do life with you are not losing sleep over making things better with you. So don’t lose sleep over them. You’re a big girl; you can handle it more than you think. Remember that everyone has their ‘own issues’ that they’re dealing with just like you. There are always two sides of every coin. Let go of what can’t be fixed by one person alone.  Own your own stuff, not others. This need for people’s approval, doesn’t serve you. Actually, it bugs the crap out of me when you do this. Relationships should never be one-sided. Give your heart and soul to those who dig having you around and appreciate what you bring to their world.

In the meantime, expand your world more so your heart doesn’t get small. You have a passion for the under resourced, social justice, diversity (even religious diversity), and peace. Yeah, you’re probably the most idealistic person I know, so find a pocket of life where you can find more ways to express this passion. You’re not the only one who wants more peace and sanity. You get into these enthusiastic conversations with others where you’re practically levitating. It’s because you have all this zeal and energy that you need to let out. God has placed it in your heart for a reason, so go discover where you can make a difference this year. Take some risks. Let’s see if by May of 2011 you can plug in somewhere.

You and Rich are on a different path then many of your Evangelical Christian friends. I think God has done that for a purpose that’s yet to unfold before your eyes. Don’t panic. You’re outside the Christian bubble you once lived in. You fret that it makes others question your faith in Christ, loyalty to the church, or whether you are a spiritual heathen. It’s okay that you don’t agree with all of Wayne Grudem Systematic Theology and find yourself more in alignment with Brian McLaren. Trust me, you are rock solid when it comes to Christ, but everything else has been questioned. You are glad for the shift within. Don’t doubt the deeper good of why this has happened. And for the love of Peter, stop worrying about how to defend these changes. Continue forward with Act 10: 34-35  “I see very clearly that God doesn’t show partiality. In every nation he accepts those who fear him and do what is right.”  Continue to have an open mind and an open heart. All God is asking you to do is “recklessly Love” others who are seekers and those who are not seeking. They are all the same to Him.

Something else you may need to know: Home is where the heart is. You’ve seen friends lose their homes.  They have been devastated and broken by it. I don’t blame them. How does one give up their home? It happens for so many reasons. This is not an easy economy and things that you thought were an investment (like real estate) are worthless now. It is NOT the end of the world. Keep a loose grip on ‘stuff’ and an even looser grip on all those American Dreams. Instead, keep a firm grip on things that are Eternal--things that really last. You have an awesome husband and a Fred the wonder dog. What else do you need? Remind yourself of that; in case the time comes when, like millions of other Americans, you have to let go of a place that you ‘think’ is your real home. Don’t be attached to anything. If you have the answer already settled in your mind, it won’t shake your foundation should the day come when you have to move. Continue to be grateful for all you have, because you have SOOOOOOO much!

Have fun in 2011! Meet your friends for lunch, and meet your husband for lunch. I guess that proves lunch is your favorite meal of the day. Enjoy! Start getting a business plan in place too. Create a vision. Things are ramping up with your massage and yoga therapy.  Also, face it, you’re getting older: peri-menopause is full on and is starting to mess with your head. Start reading up on it. You were pretty tripped up on all your stops and starts from month to month. Don’t become one of the irrational women whose husbands need to cut a wide path around them because they are going through the ‘change’. Oh and don’t freak out in the spring if you lose all your hair. You’ll probably blow-your-coat again so go buy some cute hats. Problem solved! Continue to be a kid at heart. Go to the parades (I dare you to go to a gay one); discover new things—you have a Prius so you can go anywhere for pennies, make those mindful moments happen: sitting under trees and marvel at stillness, watch the squirrels carry their nuts. Make friends with every new puppy you can meet. Dance like a fool, sing like you’ve been gifted a voice (ignore that everyone knows you we not), laugh until you pee in your pants, and love from a pure place that is your true self. Keep writing even though it makes others wonder what planet you’re from, or fear you’ll write something that paints them in a bad light. Just write your own truth. Be real and be vulnerable. Sometimes you’ll write something that matters and other times it will be pitiful dribble from the heart of a fool. And remember what Kevin says, “Do what makes you happy, Mom.” Okay, Kev, I’m on it! And lastly, if you do nothing else, BREATHE and stay present!

All the best in 2011 as things unfold moment by moment,

Past Kim

Missing Hallmark Moments

^{There is a Chinese proverb that says, In a broken nest there are few whole eggs.}

^{When I was 18 years old, I left home in my 1972 Pinto that my dad gave me when I got my driver’s license at 16 and a pillowcase full of personal belongings. (Later I was asked to return the Pinto, which didn’t surprise me. My punishment never fit my crimes.) As I was walking out the door that day, my father sarcastically said, “I hope your Christian friends take care of you.” To which I replied, “Fuck you!” I couldn’t even believe that came out of my mouth. I was terrified of my father--he resembled Tony Soprano to me, in more ways than one. My brother’s and I would duck going down the hall when we walked past him. He hated that, but would smack us upside the head and then say, “There, now you have something to duck about.” His silence as a kid (and as an adult) annihilated me. I felt sentenced to a life of wondering what I did to deserve such unkindness. It took me 45 years to realize I didn’t deserve it. But I did have to accept it. God knows (and my husband too) the Herculean effort it’s taken to live this truth.}

^{My dad lives in AZ. When he first moved out of state, he didn’t even let me know (his own daughter). Who does that? We have no real relationship. It’s always been that way. He’s my biological father in theory, but not in love. He’s not been the kind of father I wanted or needed. Oh, don’t get me wrong; even though he’s caused some epic damage in my soul, I still love my father. It is a simple and undemanding love. I’m not sure why, but I have always been able to see past my father’s faults. He is a hard, distant, proud, and unforgiving man. When I’ve been angrier over his behavior, I’ve stated that he had no backbone and was a coward. Which always surprised me because in my eyes, he was a strong and fearless person. Yet despite his inadequacies, I’ve seen kindness in my father’s eyes like Halley’s Comet; its glow was there but for a moment, then gone. If I knew that in 75 years it would return, I’d park a soccer chair out on my front lawn and wait for it to return. I lived for those radiant moments when my dad gave me a flicker of hope that we were going to be okay. I gave him every benefit of the doubt that he'd come to his senses, step up, and just be my dad; that life could be normal between us.}

^{That’s not going to happen. My dad isn’t going to show up at my door and tell me he’s sorry he missed out on the best years of my life (or my son’s life). He’s not going to ask me to hang out to have long friendly talks over ice tea (or a beer for him). I’ve given up; neither wishing nor waiting was helpful to my wellbeing-as those closest to me can attest. I had to let my dad go; and with him, all the fantasies that I was ever going to be a daddy’s girl. It’s kind of sad because I had some great father-daughter scenario that I would have loved to see happen. For whatever reasons that are beyond my comprehension and control, he’s chosen to extinguish our bond. Had my father died, I think it would have been easier than seeing him move on in life without me; without his consideration for how it would bankrupt me. He didn’t divorce my mother (although I wish he had), so I don’t have a father who bailed on our family. No, my dad stayed through the good and bad. He was a good provider and my brothers and I never wanted for anything growing up-except his unconditional love and acceptance.}

^{I’ve had to grieve my father over and over and over. I miss him and that makes no rational sense except that I was created by God to love my father. I’ve stopped apologizing for having moments of agony over this loss. Once in a while it racks me and I have to sit things out for a day or two. I’ve given myself permission now until the day I die (and when my father dies) to grieve when those emotions bubble up (like today on Father’s Day). It’s okay to attend to your heartache when someone you love dies. Our relationship has died. It is buried in a grave of regret (like telling my dad, ‘Fuck you’ at 18), buried in dreams that will never be fulfilled (like him not knowing my son or the kind family that I married into), buried in lies, buried in unspoken words of forgiveness that will never be stated out loud.  I forgive my dad. I also forgive myself. I’ve done everything in my power to speak my truth, to reconcile and make things right; it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t do it all by myself.}

^{I decided that if I was going to write about life (mine and others), in a blog or anywhere else, I was not going to give you the sanitized Christian version just so I appeared like someone I’m not (or accommodate anyone else’s sensibility about how I should believe, think, act, or behave). Life is messy, confusing, cluttered with unpleasant happenings. (It’s also glorious, mysterious, and astonishing, but that’s something I can write about on another day.) Anne Lamott encourages, “You can’t get to any of these truths by sitting in a field smiling beatifically, avoiding your anger and damage and grief. Your anger and damage and grief are the way to truth. We don’t have much truth to express unless we have gone into those rooms and closet and wood and abysses that we were told not to go in to. When we have gone in and looked around for a long while, just breathing and finally taking it in-then we will be able to speak in our own voice and to stay in the present moment.”}

^{I’m not the only daughter in the world who has emotional contusions from her father; who’s questioned her self-worth because their dad didn’t have the tools or skills to be a dad. I know there are men too who have wondered honestly if their father really loved them for who they really are. This side of Heaven, some questions will never be answered. However, no matter what our losses, we are never entirely by ourselves. Trust me, it’s often hard to wrap my mind around the thought: ‘God is always present, loving, and surprisingly, delights in me.’ Even so, I’ve known this to be true in my life in spite of things going horribly wrong in my family of origin relationships. Maybe you’ve found this to be true in your life as well? I’m thankful that God said he would never leave us or forsake us. The one verse that alleviates the sting the most, like Neosporin is Psalm 27:10, Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me. Psalm 27:10.}

^{I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said that verse to myself throughout my adult life. But if I’m honest, I want something else other than a verse to hold onto. I wanted to hold my dad’s hand. I want what (seems like) everyone else has: I want to be standing in Hallmark like 103 million other people looking for a Father’s Day Card. Life just isn’t going to give me that. So today, I will pray (for my dad), meditate (for myself), and do some breathing and more letting go to get to a still place in my soul that can accept things, as they are this Father’s Day. I like how Robert Frost put it: In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.}

^{Life’s Mindful Moment: I was in AZ in May for three weeks for additional yoga training. I knew the possibility existed that I could run into my parents who live in the same town I was staying in. (Even though the odds were one in a million I had in fact experienced a couple of close encounters on previous visits to AZ. Well, not actual encounters, but sightings. It’s like the Universe keeps trying to tip me over on my own axis.) However, since these sightings had happened before, I mindfully decided that if I ever ran into them again, I was going to be nice. Sure enough, one afternoon as I was walking into Safeway and out comes my father pushing his groceries to his car (which was parked in the handicap spot). He looked right at me coming out of the store, then gave a small shake of his head and looked away, as if to say, “Oh shit.” I started to wave like a little kid. He didn’t even look at me. We had 20 feet between us and there was no getting around not passing each other. When I came along side of him I genuinely smiled and said, “Hi Dad.” Our eyes met. I think he grunted but clearly was uncomfortable. So I kept walking in to the grocery store. Once inside, my legs felt like Jell-O. That was my dad. He just ignored me again. But I was proud of myself for two things: first, I didn’t act like him. Second, I didn’t fall apart. I just acknowledged the feeling, the moment, and allowed my heart to come back to a normal beat per minute then finished my grocery shopping. I’m so glad that I have learned after so many years to simply live in the moment, but to no longer allow myself to stay stuck there.}