The Gospel According To the NRA

With the recent horrific shootings at the grade school in Newtown, a lot of attention has been focused on the NRA and gun control. There is wide agreement that a tipping point has happened with the extreme kinds of weapons that are used in today’s mass killings. People are calling for a fair conversation on gun regulations. 

Knowing that many Christians support gun ownership, I thought it might be fun to consider how the gospels could be re-worded with a pro-gun twist. Please know that I do this in a good-natured way. I respect those who have a different opinion (even if I disagree).

It’s my personal belief that it’s quite a stretch to understand Jesus teaching as being supportive of guns or aggression in anyway. In fact, it’s pretty clear that He teaches non-retaliation under all circumstances, and demonstrated that in his own life. However, I do agree that the Second Amendment guarantees the Right to Bear Arms for the purpose of protecting ones home, property, or hunting—but my point is you won’t find that right in the teachings of Jesus. If he did the Gospels might look quite different--I call what follows ‘The Gospel According To the NRA’.

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Jesus was walking along the shore and saw two brothers fishing. Jesus called out to them, “Come, be my disciples, and I will show you how to form your own association to stand up for your constitutional rights (you can even distribute membership cards and put bumper stickers on your donkey that say how much you hate anyone who disagrees with you. You can form lobbies and petition your Roman Senators.” So the brothers traded in their fishing nets for handguns and followed him.

One day Jesus went up on a mountainside, and sat down. His disciples came to him and he began to teach. “Blessed are those that don’t back down for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are the assertive for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those that use guns (of course only to keep the peace), for they will be called the children of God. Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you, because of me; and you decide to fight back and not take it anymore. You have heard it was said, ‘an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth’. But I tell you, resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, slap them back. If they come at you with a gun, make sure you have a bigger gun. You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you, arm yourself against your enemy and payback those that persecute you. Your heavenly Father may be perfect, but hey, you’re only human. And don’t forget the Golden Rule, ‘Do unto others before they do unto you!’

One day Jesus sent messengers to a Samaritan village to get things ready for him; but the people there did not welcome him. When his disciples James and John saw this they asked, “Lord, do you want us to call fire down from heaven to destroy them?” Jesus turn to them and said, “Good idea, let’s send in the Drones.”

Jesus said to the crowds, “Of course you should worry about your life, food and shelter. If you don’t take care of yourself, who will defend you? Consider how the wolves travel in packs and fight for their food. It’s survival of the fittest, plane and simple. So seek first your constitutional rights and none of these things will be taken away from you.”

The disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who then is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” Jesus called a little child who he placed among them and said, “Don’t be like this child who is ignorant and unsuspecting and trusting. The greatest is the strongest with the biggest weapons, army, and defense budget. Who ever looks out for number one will be first. Because we all know, that nice guys finish last.”

Then Jesus prayed this prayer, “Oh Father, Lord of heaven and earth, thank you for hiding the truth from the tree huggers, the pacifists, the do-gooders, the bleeding hearts, the environmentalist, the politically correct, and the peacemakers, and revealed them to the powerful and well armed hardliners. Yes, Father, it pleased you to give me the corner on the truth on how the world should be run. My Father has given me authority over everything. That gives you my followers ‘The God Card’. If you call yourself Christians you have the same authority to be right whenever you open your mouth. And if that doesn’t work, remember that might, makes right!

Jesus continued, “Come to me all of you who are afraid and burdened by mass murders and I will give you a new way to frame your thinking. I will give you the power of the 2^nd Amendment. Forget my yoke. Take up your own arms and come to a shooting range and I will teach you how to defend yourself. Because humility and gentleness don’t work in the real world; and this is how you will find rest for your fearful souls.”

The night of Jesus arrest an armed mob approached. His disciples said, “Lord, should we strike with our swords?” And Jesus said, “What, you didn’t bring guns? We’re Israelis for crying out loud!” Then Jesus turned to Matthew and commanded, “Quick, behind that bush, there is a bag of semi-automatic weapons fully loaded. Do you think I came unprepared? I’m the Son of God--I knew this was coming! Peter and Andrew, you take that rock. James and John, you pass out extra magazines of ammo. Then Peter shot off the right ear of one of the servants of the high priest. And Jesus said, “Nice shot, Peter! Target practice paid off!” Jesus and the disciples proceeded to wipe out the opposing forces in the name of self-defense. Granted, Jesus never went to the cross that night to save souls. But he proved that guns were the best way to deal with bad guys and save lives. Otherwise, all the good guys would end up dead. The End.

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Can you see how absurd this would be?

Remember I’m not advocating doing away with the 2^nd Amendment. I’m just saying, you won’t find those rights of defending ones self with a gun (or any kind of weapon) in the gospels. It may be the American way, but it’s not Jesus way. I’m just trying to point out in jest that Jesus way and the NRA way are completely opposite. Thank God Jesus showed us that the power of love is greater than the power of force. It should give us pause. 

I’m always surprised (after each mass murder) how often Christians defend taking up (more) arms and their right to amassing large military weapons because it’s their constitutional right. They hunker down and think there is a fear the government is going to take away your guns to protect yourselves. The government is not going to take away your 2nd Amendment. Calm down! Is there a lot of hypocrisy in the government and elsewhere about guns? Yes, but that doesn't make killing people with guns okay. It's just an indication of the madness we've reached as a culture. 

Yes, I know the hundreds and hundreds of arguments for self-defense, protection, etc. 

 I want it duly noted that I'd like to see the downsize the over production of military weapons for gun enthusiasts; kind of like how we reduced nuclear arms the 1980's and may have prevented world war III. I believe the only place for those kinds of weapons is in the hands of trained police officers, our soldiers, or CIA or FBI. There are many like myself who would like to see an open conversation with the NRA take place. I'm sure many parents who lost their children in schools, theaters, and malls would like to see the NRA give an inch or two in this day and age (especially with mental health issues on the rise). It would be nice if the NRA would take some responsibility instead of always defending it's dogma. Can the NRA be 'entirely' right and the rest of the world wrong? Have we gotten bigger than our britches? We may look back in history and wonder if there was more we could have done.

If we call ourselves Christians lets not fool ourselves into thinking that Jesus condones gun rights. His teachings were antithetical to such a mentality. Instead, we should be moving towards Jesus ideals as much as possible if we want to see positive change in this country.

I think of the example of Martin Luther Kind Jr who proved that this can work. Imagine if the Black Panthers had their way in fighting for their civil rights with guns, instead of Martin Luther King with his message of non-violence. The night Martin Luther King Jr was assassinated, Robert Kennedy was speaking to a black audience and tried to calm the crowd by reminding them that he also had a member of his family killed by a white man. And he said, "What we need in the United States is not division; what we need in the Untied States is not hatred; what we need in the Untied States is not violence and lawlessness, but is love, wisdom, and compassion toward one another."

Back in the 60's, all blacks had a legitimate right to stand up for justice, but the ends don't justify the means. And today 2012-2013, we have a right to demand a more safe and civilized world. The truth is we just lack the courage and the moral strength of a Martin Luther King or Ghandi to bring about change. It's just easier to pick up a gun and stand our ground.