What's On My Mind: Mindfulness

When there is suffering, there is some kind of illusion that is believed as truth; there is the belief that there is something to fear in this moment and that our resistance to that will save us. ~Ellen Davis

I have a lot on my mind lately. That is not a good thing. When I have a lot on my mind it means there are surges of all sorts of emotions that come with a busy mind. Anxious thoughts breed emotions and some of those emotions don’t feel good. Between my solar plexus and my heart there is a space that feels like it’s been punched. It’s a direct physical response to what I’ve been thinking about lately (actually the last 6 months).

I promised myself that I would never write about anyone out of anger (although it would make for a better story). But if I’m sad, confused, happy, or contemplative, all bets are off. It may seem like I’m angry because I convey my feelings; I’m not. I hid for too may years out of fear—worrying about what everyone thought if I shared my experiences. I won’t do that anymore. It may make others angry because I dare to be open when others want me to be quiet. I know that others may have unspoken rules about what I should or shouldn’t do. Those that know and love me well know I’ve never played by the rules (most of the time). Since life is life, after the preverbal shit hits the fan, I’ll usually write frankly about the (process) messy stuff of life and God’s eternal deposits of blessings and grace after the dust settles. It may not be everyone’s path to process candidly, but it’s mine. And I won’t apologize for being me—even if we disagree.  

 The sorrow I am experiencing lately is just a reality of something that is beyond my control. There has been a falling-out of important relationship(s) in my life. I have lost other relationships in the past but they were usually toxic, complicated, unbalanced in devotion, not healthy or sustainable. Losing Rich or Kevin would be the worst thing for me to deal with in my life. Losing these friends was third on my ‘oh my god, I couldn’t handle that’ list. In fact, if you really knew me, I used to think if something bad did happened to Rich or Kevin, I’d be okay because I had the love and support of these dear friendships. But the unthinkable happen.

It is heart wrenching losing dear friendship(s) who matter to you; people you’ve invested in, told stories over wine, shared secrets with, stood in waiting rooms together, prayed together like there is no tomorrow, opened your soul to, laughed, cried, and peed your pants with, for the better part of 18 years. Nobody has died per se, only the friendship of best friends has ended. Have you experienced this before? How did you deal with it? I’m not doing too well. Some days are better than others. When I’m by myself with nothing to do its the hardest. Right now going to Kohl’s, wearing Brighton Jewelry, and being at a restaurant seeing girlfriends laughing around a table makes the heavy feeling in my chest unbearable.

So what’s a girl to do after she’s essentially been told to take her Barbie Dolls and go home? After praying on my knees, in my car, on my walks, silently in the middle of stores, there was only one think I could do: Practice Mindfulness.

Mindfulness is thousands of years old. But the science of Mindfulness is a proactive tool that doctors at Mayo and pain clinics all over the world are now using. I learned about mindfulness about 4 years ago when I was in a heap of pain in 2008. Mindfulness isn’t just a means of getting out of pain; it’s a way of life. There are wonderful ways in which mindfulness can enhance your life and make if more techno color and exciting—because you are finally fully awake (awake to both enjoyable and painful emotions). And conversely, if you don’t implement mindfulness on a daily basis, you won’t experience joy, reduce pain, eliminate stress, heal the body, or calm the mind.

In order to heal, it’s necessary to meditate and cultivate mindfulness as a way of being (thank you Kevin for that life changing tip). Jon Kabat-Zinn, Professor of Medicine Emeritus and founder of the Stress Reduction Clinic and Center for Mindfulness in Medicine says that mindfulness is ‘paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, as if your life depended on it (because it does), without judgment’.

Mindfulness is about being ‘aware’ of what is going on in your mind without judgment. It’s understanding there are several forms of mind-states that can poison our soul: greed (any form of wanting more), hate (any form of anger), and delusion (the opposite of wisdom-not seeing clearly). I teach mindfulness to my yoga students. Breath-work and awareness of the mind, body, and spirit in the present moment is the cornerstone of yoga. Most of the time we are on automatic pilot with an ever-present narrator who’s the worst critic of every action in our lives. You know that mean-spirited voice in your head that’s always judging you? Some days I’d like a lobotomy. I get why people drink and do drugs to numb themselves. Actually, we just want to have control over those wild emotions when life isn’t fair or overwhelming. There is no way to shut it off or empty the mind completely; even when we are sleeping our mind is active. And why would you want to shut off the mind? The mind is pretty handy to have around except when you are in physical or emotional pain. We just need to learn how to harness those thoughts and turn the volume down. At its core, mindfulness is about cultivating compassion towards yourself and others in the present moment. 

Beneath the story of all that is happening in this saga of mine, are all sorts of attachments to how things should have turned out. We all have our opinions and beliefs that make us justify our emotions and actions. Our triggers and reactions are usually justified, right? Wrong! Oh let me be clear, it’s okay to have feelings. I have plenty of them on any given day (especially every 26^th days of my cycle). But holding on to emotions means I’ve become trapped in the ‘should’ story: This should have happened this way! It’s a slippery slope to feeling like you are right and they are wrong. Feeling the feelings (prayerfully without judgment) is the key to honest, mindful reflection. 

I’ll tell you what it feels like to get out of that mental and emotional prison. Take a deep breath in, feel it. Hold it for a moment, feel it. Then exhale slowly, really slow, and feel it. That one moment with awareness only on your breath can become pure bliss (a refuge) with your attention on the present moment. No story. No need to defend yourself. No sadness or loss. No striving. Just breathing and being. If you didn’t get it the first time, try it again, and then again. I think I’ve had to do it a thousand times since last November.

So you’re thinking, ‘Okay Kim, that’s a great idea’. I’ll be more mindful and less judgmental. I’ll start today. Not so fast. It’s not a dime store technique as Kabat-Zinn says; it’s so much more. Practicing mindfulness really means I have to watch what’s going on in my head on a regular basis ‘all throughout’ the day—on good days and bad days. 

 I’m still aware that I’m very attached to the un-reconciled hurt feelings. My friends have chosen not to reconcile or talk openly with me about what happen. That is their right to choose that path. I honor that even though I don’t like it. Inhale Kim….hold it….exhale slowly. This grief won’t last forever. I won’t let it. There are flowers to smell and observe. There are walks to take and lakes to sit by. I can stop playing this imaginary conversation I’ll never have with my friends over and over in my head. (Do you do that or am I the only one who talks to herself?) There are new bottles of wine to uncork and more laughter around the corner. 

It’s important to get out of the old story. Did you know it’s our birthright? Redemption is God’s story of do-overs. It’s the reason for our existence. I won’t let my own mind hold me confined to my past. I just won’t. 

We are told in the bible to 'take captive' every thought. Not just ‘some’ thoughts, but ‘every’ thought. Really? Every thought? Is that even possible or reasonable? What are you asking of me God? My guess is you want something good for me, right? Something I can’t even contemplate because I’m too busy holding onto (my) thoughts. 

 I don’t get a free pass that it’s okay to think some unproductive thoughts just because I think I have the corner on the truth. The body will let your brain know how you’re doing with this (unless of course you are in complete denial about how you feel). It’s okay to feel the hurt, the loss, the anger, and the empty hole in your heart. Feel what you feel. We are human.  Jesus said, “You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.” It’s not so much about me looking at others and what they are doing (in order to shore up my defense). It’s about me looking at how I am processing things—is it healthy, is it loving? I haven't always felt healthy or loving the last 6 months. I have reacted out of fear of loss. It takes intention to open up to knowing the truth of one’s self.

By observing the mind for 5 seconds, 5 minutes, or 50 minutes (which is hard to pull off unless you are the Dalai Lama) you bring wisdom and clarity to your understanding of the mind. I do it 5 minutes at a time-I even have a Mindfulness App with a timer on my phone. I’ll ask myself after paying attention to my thoughts, where am I feeling it in my body? What kind of storm of unhappiness am I creating by being attached to the story that happen two months ago, two days ago, two hours ago? Is what I’m thinking really true? It’s a ruthless inspection of the mind. Beneath the story, everything is perfect in the present moment, timeless. I am whole! 

The fact that we feel like our guts are going to spill out when we lose someone we loved means that they were important to us to begin with. However, if I hold on too long to those attachments, feelings, beliefs, or opinions it makes me miserable. I know better. I know what it’s like to get out from underneath the story of self. And by self I mean protecting my own interests (me, my, mine kind of thinking) so I don’t feel bad about myself. When I ‘LET GO’ its pure freedom! And while I can’t change what happens, there is a way out of the ‘I’m right and they are wrong’ wilderness; the Beatles and God encourage me to meditate on this: all you need is love. And like Jon Kabat-Zinn stated, your life depends on it.

The kind of life you want to have depends on you: one of peace and love or one of sorrow, angst, and unforgiveness? By watching those busy thoughts I can see what my mind is up to lately. I can identify what happening in different mind-states (without attachment). I can let thoughts (good, bad, or ugly) pass on by, as it they were a piece of paper on top of the continual stream. I just watch the thought pass without judgment or narrative. I have a lot of years under my hat of naturally reacting to thoughts and feelings. I have to WORK HARD to hold myself back from jumping in the mind-stream and take those thoughts back ‘as mine’. I have to remember that licking my wounds or regurgitating those thoughts and feelings won’t convince me that I am acceptable. I already am acceptable! By not getting hooked by those misguided repetitive thoughts, by breathing in and out, by feeling and acknowledging what’s on my mind, the mind quiets down. EVERYTHING looks better when I take the time to be mindful and breathe. The truth is when I am mindful it’s okay even when it doesn’t feel okay.

Happiness is not the goal; we all know happiness is fleeting. However peace within our body, soul, and mind is sustainable with practice. The Bible encourages mindfulness: be still and know I am God! In the Torah it says: You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to desist from it. So in a way there is the work of doing nothing to be done. Ponder that! Luckily, I once read that mindfulness is the ultimate mobile device. All we need is our mind to find peace. All we have to do is witness what is happening in our thoughts then let it go, and then come back to the breath. 

I’m setting everyone and myself free. On a walk with Fred today I had a few mindful moments. The light from the sun was shining in my eyes. I felt the duel sensations of both the static warmth and the cool breeze on my skin. I listened to the dogs in the neighborhood bark. I smelled a lilac bush in the air. I watched a bird fly from one branch to another. I thought of Fred who was pulling on the leash to get closer to the barking dog. “I bet you don’t get caught up in any stories buddy? You just do what you were meant to do, sniff and notice what’s happening right now.” I laughed at the absurdity of holding Fred’s leash tighter (just like trying to hold on tight to friendships that are ending). 

There is only One-way to Joy and Peace: let go and love even when others don’t want to reconcile. The more I thought about the hurt story that happen between my dear friend(s) and me didn’t matter one iota in that mindful moment. One step at a time, walking, feeling my feet connect to the earth, I recognized that I was alive and all is well with my soul. I mindfully noticed a loving, peaceful, hypothetical conversational in my head that I was having with my friend(s). I laughed and practically said this out loud: ‘I don’t care anymore who said or did what, who didn’t come through, who thinks whatever. I don’t even care if you ever speak to me ever again. I love you chick(s) and let you go. You need to do what’s best for you. If not speaking openly to me is what’s best, than I truly want that for you. If it brings you peace, then peace be with you. You can be right. I can be wrong (I am wrong more then I realize). I don’t need to be understood anymore. It doesn’t really matter to me (probably doesn’t even matter to God each of us trying to justify our point of view). At the end of the day it’s all ego. And in this glorious present moment, it’ now officially in the past!’

 Duly noted mind! I like the ‘Way’ you are going with this line of thinking and feeling. I have to accept things as they are, even when things don’t turn out as I hoped. There is a saying I once heard that southern church ladies say when all seems lost, ‘I’m just working on my testimony.’