Facing Your Isms

And it may well be that we will have to repent in this generation. Not merely for the vitriolic words and the violent actions of the bad people, but for the appalling silence and indifference of the good people. ~ Martin Luther King Jr.

Martin Luther King felt that his biggest struggle wasn't against the hatred of those who were bigots as much as the apathy of those who were decent and respectable. A lot of good people feel that they don’t personally have anything against people of color, while at the same time they fail to recognize the unfairness towards people of color that is built into the system. The latter is referred to as systemic or institutional bias (and it can also be toward women, the LGBTQ community, the disabled, the aged, etc) where some groups are advantaged or disadvantaged from the start. Most forms of systemic bias are unintentional and subtle.

For instance, if engineers construct a particular community, they may not have thought about people who are disabled. Consequently there are stairs, but no elevator. There are no ramps near the entrance, no bathroom stalls that can accommodate a wheel chair, etc.  This creates a disadvantage for people who are disabled. Even though the engineers didn't intend to discriminate, they did. Part of rising above prejudice and bigotry is noticing those points of unfairness that are not personal, but are more systemic, and doing something about it.

There is a moral obligation to those of us who have built-in advantages in the system to try and create a level playing field for those who are disadvantaged. This is what it means to overcome racism.

My friend, Sheri recommended this book called, "What If I Say The Wrong Thing", by Verna Myers. In this book she makes the distinction between personal bias and isms. Isms refer to the institutional barriers that our culture creates. So when someone says, “I’m not a racist” they may say that because they personally don’t have animosity toward all people of color. However, they may continue to blindly support a system that creates disadvantages for people of color. Which is still a form of racism. I’d call it passive racism and it is largely unconscious.

When you understand this distinction, it gives you a greater appreciation of why there is such a heated debate in our country the last few years. In many respects, it seems like the 1950s and 60’s revisited, where there are three groups of people: the deep-seated bigots; the indifferent bystanders; and the activists fighting for equal rights. The first group, the deep-seated bigots, have personal animosity against  particular groups of people (e.g., Blacks, Hispanics, Muslims, Jews, Atheists, Gays, Feminists, etc). The second group, the indifferent bystanders, are often decent, caring people who unconsciously support a system that is bias because they fail to see the social barriers that create injustice. Therefore they don’t speak out. The third group, the activists, realize the system needs to be fixed in order for there to be fairness and equality; that racism is more than just our individual attitudes, it includes a social system as well. The activists are often a pain in the ass to the first and second group because they won’t shut up. But when you care about someone else’s rights as much as your own, then you can’t be silent. Anymore than if your child was in the hospital and wasn’t getting the proper care or attention. You’d speak up and advocate for them. 

So when children are being taken away from their parents and put in cages; when blacks suffer disadvantages in education, job opportunities, pay disparity, and treatment by the justice system; when Muslims are banned from coming to our country because of fear-mongering; when gays or transgenders are treated differently in the military, activists respond in the same way as if it was happening to them personally. When we remain silent and indifferent it’s just racism of another form because we’re not caring for another person’s race as much as our own. 

Lately, I’ve seen many people trying to defend Donald Trump saying he’s not a racist. If you mean by that he doesn’t hate all people of color, you’re probably correct. But when we understand racism includes tolerating mistreatment of someone because of their race or ethnicity (that you wouldn't tolerate yourself), by that standard, he’s clearly a racist. When you say that someone (Ilhan Omar) should go back to their country of origin, simply because they disagree with you; and you call their homeland “a complete and total catastrophe, the worst most corrupt, and inept anywhere in the world”; when you refer to African nations as ‘shithole’ countries, by definition, you’re a racist. You are supporting a system that does not see all nationalities as equally worthy of dignity and respect, rather you are espousing the belief that some people are superior or inferior based on their country of origin. And when it’s brought to your attention that children and parents are suffering unimaginable emotional distress because they are separated just for seeking asylum, and you treat them like invaders and send your army as if you are being attacked. When you cram people by the hundreds in caged areas with subhuman conditions, you’re a racist who lacks compassion because of someone's ethnicity. This is not how we treat our own people, it is only how we treat "other" people. 

Here’s the bigger issue that is hard for a lot of people to comprehend: when you try to defend someone like Donald Trump, you’re also a racist, because you’re allowing the mistreatment to continue, and pretending that nothing wrong is happening. There will always be unfairness and discrimination until we see beyond our own personal concerns (the economy is good, I have job, my 401k is in tact, my political agenda is being advanced) and see the bigger picture of a social system that needs to be fixed.

We all need to separate our ism from our bias. So stop defending yourself by saying, “I'm not a racist, I have a black friend. I have a gay friend, or I’ve got nothing against blacks or Hispanics." If you're really not a racist, start supporting their cause. The next time you’re watching the news and there’s a Black Lives Matter demonstration, whose side are you on? The next time someone makes a disparaging remark about someone’s race or ethnicity, whose side are you on? The next time there’s a news piece on the abhorrent conditions of the immigrants in cages and detention centers, whose side are you on? Don't just focus on whether you are personally bias, think about the isms.

When you make friends with a person of color, you’re overcoming your personal bias. When you take the side of all people of color, when they are unfairly treated or disadvantaged by our social system, you’re overcoming your racism. 

Medical Hope

I have hope. 

For the past few years, I've been trying to take my health seriously. I became a whole food plant based vegan to heal my liver disease and kidney disfunction. It's been encouraging but slow going. 

There has been a lot to overcome: vegan stereotypes, judgment, cluelessness and manipulating restaurant servers and chefs, people pleasing, learning how to cook and travel as a vegan, insecurity around others, ignorance, and cultural food addictions just to name a few. But the hardest, most perplexing part has been my frustration with weight loss as a vegan. Why am I eating so well but not really losing weight? Why isn't my liver healing faster? 

I didn't have the answers yet. But my intention was to find out two things: How do I heal my liver? How do I loose the stubborn weight I've gained in the last 5 years since becoming post-menopausal. 

I was ready to get honest about a few things too. I had great stories and excuses for why I emotionally ate. But those stories are in my head, in the past, and don't serve me anymore. Dwelling on the past losses, disappointments, and diet misinformation is what got me to this place. It was time to stop pretending I was okay physically   when I really wasn't. 

Rich and I are always wondering why aren't we the skinny vegans you see at Whole Foods or in the yoga videos. Compared to the average person whose daily diet includes an Egg McMuffin for breakfast, to our oatmeal with flaxseed and banana, to their cheeseburger and fries for lunch, to our ginormous salad with beans, to their meat topped pizza with a coke for dinner, to our flatbread with water. Dammit, I even gave up drinking alcohol. Why do we weigh about the same weight as meat eaters?  Rich and I eat really well. Or so we thought. 

So what's a middle aged, post-menopausal vegan girl with liver disease to do? I needed more answers from doctors who were also eating the same way. I needed plant based medical experience and more education. I love my local doctor; she's a vegetarian. But she's young (child-bearing years) and is as thin as a rail. What does she know about shame, cellulite, or spandex? When my last liver ultrasound came back unchanged, I was desperate. I don't want to have a stroke, heart attack, or cancer. 

NC Black Mountains

I signed up for the Engine 2 Medical Immersion in North Carolina. I went a few weeks ago. It was life changing. And I'd highly recommend it for anyone who is actively pursuing health change, but needs more knowledge about lifestyle and behavior change, support, with some scientific resources and medical consultations. 

Two of the top doctors who are Plant-Based legends were at the immersion: Dr. Caldwell Esselstyn and Dr. Michael Klaper. (If you ever saw Forks Over Knives or What The Health or Cowspiracy it was those two amazing doctors.) I got to have one-on-one personal medical consultations with them. I'm so grateful that I did. What they both said will forever alter my health. They explained why I wasn't healing my liver fully and how I could lose weight safely and permanently. 

Let me first share about the immersion, and then tell you what the doctors said. 

We are unplugged in NC in the Black Mountains. It was gorgeous. We had beautiful 75 degree weather for the entire week. The Medical Immersion is hosted by Rip Esselstyn of Engine 2 books, also in Forks Over Knives documentary - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9LMezWH5DA 

Rip left being a firefighter and became a Healthy Plant Advocate and the creator of the no oil Engine 2 products (hummus, cereals, pizza crusts, etc) that are at Whole Foods. He too is a respected leader in the plant-based vegan world. He was joined at the immersion by his entire family, parents and siblings. We got to watch up close and personal his family live what they teach. They were all so joyful, approachable, and desire to serve. 

Rip Esselstyn

I was one of the first to arrive at the immersion (of course). I was just sitting there looking at my phone. A man walks over, puts out his hand and says, "You're here. Welcome." It was Rip. I must have looked hungry after getting up at 3 am to take two flights. All I had was a banana. He said, "Go down there to the dining room. They still have the staff lunch set out. Go eat. I'll see you soon." For the rest of the week, I watched Rip be a servant to everyone. I watched him light up when his wife and kids entered the room. I saw the passion and sense of mission he had to help 75 people become educated about 'true' healing plant based eating to reverse disease and gain quality of life. I've been to about 25 conferences in my life with all the yoga trainings and other jobs I've had. I've never been to one so engaging, supportive, intentional, and behaviorally transforming. 

We were up by 6am to get our biometrics (weight, blood pressure, and lipid panel). Because what you eat, the fat will show up in your blood and stay in your blood for hours (see Game Changers movie coming out this fall for more on that subject). We were encouraged to move throughout the event. You could go hiking, do yoga, amp it up with a HIIT class, or swim or walk, or break out into spontaneous dance with Jane Esselstyn. I hiked (in the forest with snakes and bears). I also took wonderful, gentle, restorative yoga classes 2x a day. After moving, we ate. Each meal we sat at a different table and met new people and heard their stories why they were there: they wanted to prevent the disease of cancer or diabetes that runs in their family, they had open heart surgery and were now on tons of meds or statin drugs. They had cancer, or their son committed suicided and they needed to take back their own health. Some men were sent by their wives; some knew they needed to be there or else they would die soon. Some were like me: vegans who had a health issue, knew about heathy eating, but were off enough in their trajectory they were missing the mark. We laughed. We got choked up and cried. We were a tribe of plant eaters who made friends over potatoes, lentil burgers, steamed greens, and all the fruit and veggies you wanted to eat. 

Me finishing the hike-Big dang deal! 

lentil burgers, hummus, salad

polenta, sweet potato, walnut sauce, tomato,  basil pesto, balsamic reduction 

I made fast friends with a woman named, Shari, from the Miami area. As the Universe would have it, I asked her if she happened to know the only lawyers in Miami Florida we were friends with. She did. She actually loved them dearly and worked with them both. That was a fun connection. And we both sat upfront (of course) for all the medical and nutritional lectures and were on the same page about everything being discussed. It was so wonderful to have a new like-minded friend. My roommate was so sweet too. But she was there with her brother and sister-in-law, so I was kinda on my own. I'm glad I met Shari from the beginning. We had a blast. 

My Florida yang to my yin, Shari

So let me get super honest. You know those selfies you see of me, ever wonder why I don't show my entire body? I don't have to tell you; you already know. I've had so much shame. Some days, I can't believe I look the way I do. What has happened in the last 5 years has shocked me. And I know what it's like when I see someone whose gained weight. It's the first thing you notice. But this week in NC something shifted for me. I'm not afraid anymore to be real. I know why I gained that weight. I know how to FINALLY take it off and keep it off. 

Not a selfie - Rip & Shari & Me 

And, I'd like to be even more real (for a purpose)  moving forward. So here goes: I was 190.8lbs when I started the medical immersion. A week later, I lost 6.4lbs. And returning home, I lost a total of 10lbs. I lost 10lbs in two weeks! Now, if you know me, you know that this is nothing short of a miracle. In the past, I would lose a 1/2-lb after a week of working out like a fanatic and eating perfect. I didn't do that in NC. I took it easy at the immersion on purpose; I put myself in a relaxed, open mindset. I was there to learn. I was there to get medical facts and the truth. I ate so much plant based food--especially fruit. There was no way after eating all that food and fruit did I think I was going to lose weight. How did this happen? 

Actually it was just science and the healing benefits of eating ONLY plant strong, no oil, nutritionally dense meals. 

There are billion dollar industries like the big pharma, insurance, diet, fast food, etc., that don't even need to exist according to Dr. Caldwell Esselstyn. 

If you are unable to reverse your cardiovascular or kidney disease, lower your blood pressure, reverse your diabetes, lose weight, get off allergy meds, reverse erectile disfunction, and keep your risk of cancer low (by avoiding meat based protein and dairy), then eating this way is an option. It may truly be the only option. It was for me. Most importantly, it's working and I am seeing my health consistently getting better.

I want to share what Dr. Esselstyn and Dr. Klaper said to me in my private consultations. In a lot of ways, they both said the same things. Dr. Caldwell Esselstyn was the velvet hammer. Dr. Klaper was like meeting the plant Pope. 

Dr. Caldwell Esselstyn

Dr. Michael Klaper

Throughout the entire medical immersion, they reinforced with nutritional data the benefits of eating whole food plant based no oil, no processed vegan 'frankenfoods' or baked goods (crackers, breads, cookies, etc). Why? Because they all have oil. Oil is damaging to the endothelium cells in the lining of our arteries, and puts us at risk for cardiovascular disease. Even those Beyond Burgers and Impossible Burgers that are delicious and a great transition vegan food, they are full of fat and soy protein isolates. All week long, the doctors reminded us to increase our greens (to heal our arteries) eat only plant-strong meals, and absolutely 100% no oil. 

Dr E: Hi Kim. Tell me your situation.
Me: Blah blah blah... I can't heal my liver and lose weight. 
Dr E: How long have you been eating 100% plant based no oil? 
Me: Um, I do really well. I eat 95% at home. You know, the occasional flat bread or tortilla will have oil. And when I'm out of town or eating out with my husband or friends, I'd say I was about 80-85%. 
Dr E: How long have you been 100%? 
Me: Um, if you put it that way, I guess, never. 
Dr E: So then, you're NOT treating your disease. 
Me: *Sitting in shock at the obvious* 
Dr E: Kim, you have to be 100% if you ever want to heal your liver. You can't have any oil and no baked goods. 
Me: *Sitting there feeling like he knew I ate Whole Foods Vegan Chocolate Chip cookies once a week as a reward for existing on this planet.* 
Dr E: Your only going to heal your liver when you heal your endothelium cells in the lining of your arteries, which brings healthy blood flow to your liver. That is when you'll lose the weight. 
Me: It's difficult because we travel and socialize and eat out a lot as empty nesters. That's where I get in trouble, I think. I mean, I eat healthy. But there is oil in things I eat. 
Dr E: Nobody is putting a gun to your head. 
Me: I know. 
Dr E: Why would you ever want to injure your endothelium cells? 
Me: *I basically got a crash course on the science of repairing my endothelium cell an hour earlier.*  
Me: I don't want to do that.  I just don't know how to sustain eating this way when I eat out or travel. Eating at home will be easy. My husband is super supportive and wants to eat this way too for his own health. 
Dr E: *Looking at me as if my life depended on it* 
Dr E: When you are out, you tell them, "I'm deathly allergic to oil. I'm under the care of a doctor from the Cleveland Clinic, I can't have oil." 
Me: That sounds great. I have always envied your patients who get to be in your studies. 
Dr E: It is great. And you're going to lose the weight and feel better in no time at all. This is not going to be a problem for you. Just stay 100%. 
Me: Okay, I will. Thank you so much, Dr. Esselstyn. I came to this immersion to learn from you and to have you tell me the truth. I need to hear this from you. 
Dr E: *Big smile Shakes my hand* 

That was one of the most lightening bolt conversations about my health I have ever had. I knew from seeing Dr. Esselstyn's research he doesn't mess around with his patients by coddling them. I'll never forget that conversation as long as I live.  

Dr Klaper was a little different in tone. But his truth was the same. I have a non-sexual fangirl crush on Dr. Klaper. He's so smart and adorable. I was sorta giddy in his presence.  

First I gave him my health profile. 

Dr K: So, this liver disease and weight loss issue problem is not a problem. 
Me: Really? *Shocked* 
Dr K: Sure. This is a blip on the screen.You know what you need to do now. Eat more green and yellow vegetables. 
Dr K: *pulls up a picture of organs and liver on his laptop* 
Dr K: See that? *pointing to the liver and intestines* 
Me: Yes. 
Dr K: Look how close your liver is to your intestines (where you get all your nutrition). Your liver has been in distress for years. Oil and bakery, flour products will do that. 
Me: *shit, he knows I eat Whole Food vegan cookies too.* 
Dr K: The blood runs through here (intestines), right to your liver. If you don't cheat, in fact, you can't cheat, you'll be fine. 
Me: Really? *Mild state of shock* 
Dr K: Sure *with the biggest smile on his face*
Me: Yeah, but, how do I sustain this? I've never been able to sustain a diet for longer than 6 months.
Me: Wait a minute. Well, I guess I've been vegan for 2-1/2 years. So there's that. 
Dr K: It's the food. Welcome to Camp Stop Kidding yourself. You don't ever have to diet again. This is what your body was created to eat. 
Me: Your right. I intuitively know that. 
Dr K: You're going to lose the weight. Your liver is going to be fine in no time at all. 
Me: *In tears because he just gave me the hope I came to hear.* 
Me: May I ask you one last question?
Dr K: Sure *same bright smile* 
Me: I'm not hungry in the morning, ever. My husband wants to eat when he wakes up. Do I have to force myself to eat when I'm not hungry just so I eat enough calories as a vegan. 
Dr K: * Still smiling because he probably has answered this question a thousand times before.* 
Dr K: No, you can fast for as long as you like until you're hungry. Eat when you're hungry. Don't eat if you're not hungry. Humans have been doing that for hundreds of thousands of years. Even lions don't eat meat 3x a day. 
Me: Good point. 
Dr K: Intermittent fasting is good. Just do what your body is telling you to do. It's that simple. 
Me: Sounds good. 
Dr K: * parting words* 
Dr K: 100%. No Oil. No cheating. Walk every day that you can too. 
Me: Got it. Thank you, Dr Klaper. May I give you a hug? You gave me so much hope. 
Dr K: Sure    
Me: *Blushing* 

How many times have you gone to the doctor, you told them your problem and they gave you a Rx? 
This has been my experience. Doctors don't want to offend people. They know they have food addiction issues. But they don't help them with those kinds of addictions. They take the path of least resistance and they give out pills. Stop handing out pills! All they have to do is tell people the truth; tell them to exercise, eat more vegetables, and don't come back. Dr. Esselstyn says it's unconscionable and immoral that doctors break their hippocratic oath by only treating symptoms and not the real problem: the food and the behavior. 

Yes, what Rich and I are now doing is pretty radical. But as far as I'm concerned, it's Welcome to Camp Stop Kidding Yourself. I can do this, because I'm pretty radical too, and can be disciplined when I need to be. That said, I will need your help, friends. When we are together, you eat what you want to eat. Enjoy. Stop saying sorry when your house smells like bacon or pork. Stop saying sorry when you want to eat a steak in front of me. I don't care. Well, I do care for your endothelium cells now and your arteries. But I've been in your shoes; I used to love those foods too; I know how hard it is to give it up; and I know how much you love food (meat/cheese) and hate eating veggies. 

However, I'll need some grace when we eat out together. You'll have to listen to me over and over be a PITA (pain in the ass) with the chef or server telling them, "I'm under doctors orders, I can't have any oil in my food." Please support me and don't judge. Otherwise, I can't eat out with you. Some places will be accommodating. Some places, I won't ever have to say anything. And, there may be times when there will be nothing for me to eat. That's okay. I won't starve. Don't feel bad for me. I'll get better at bringing something for me to eat, like a big apple. I'm not there for the food anymore. I'm there for the company. For now, eating this way just seems right for me. I want to focus on a sustainable health span vs typical life span. My new motto is "nothing tastes as good as healthy feels."

Happy Feet

When we moved to Florida we told ourselves with our 'one and only life' we're going to 'live in the moment' and enjoy it. 

Eckhart Tolle says, if you don't create new experiences or conversations, you'll constantly talk about the past (people or situations).  Our conditioned brain defaults back to old thinking patterns and stories unless we make new observations in the present. Sometimes, all we have in common are those old stories with friends, family, or partners. Do you ever feel stagnant or dull in your spirit? Do you project that on to others? We can easily stay stuck in the past--always trying to recreate the 'good times.' 

There is a whole inner and outer world out there to engage and explore. So, let's SALSA! Eat it or Dance it or both! 

We started taking salsa dance lessons. (Honest, it wasn't my idea; but I think I've dropped enough hints over 30 years, that it telepathically dropped into Rich's subconscious. Although, NOT as dramatic as Ben Stiller's salsa dance moves in Along Came Polly.) 

Rich got us Beginners Salsa Dancing lessons at Simone Salsa in Tampa; a real professional teacher at a real professional dance studio. I was completely impressed. This will force us to get out of our comfort zone and be completely in the present moment! 

Simone is a wonderful teacher. Rich is a drummer with absolutely no sense of dancing rhythm (hard to believe, but it's true.) I've never danced Salsa, so I'm excited to learn from her. We go once a week; but you can go as many times as you like during the week to practice; they just want you to practice and have fun. And on Friday nights, they have open salsa dance night (that's like an extra built-in date night). There will probably be salsa and chips before or afterwards. 

What I like about dancing, besides looking into my hunky husband's eyes, is that it forces us to get into our bodies. We'll both have to notice those judgy thoughts of insecurity and incompetence for a while. Practice. Practice. Practice. I'll be forced to let Rich lead;  he'll be forced to let go and finally shake his hips. But we'll be making new memories and new neural pathways. It will be fun to learn together in the moment. "Life is the Dancer and you are the Dance." Eckhart Tolle. 

  

New Kid On The Block

When I left Chicago after 52 years, I did a goodbye tour. I said goodbye to all my favorite places. I said goodbye to all my favorite friends. My sister-in-law, Patti, and I got together at a bistro; it was my goodbye dinner with her. Over the decades, we spent many lunch and dinners together and marathon phone calls. We grew up together as adults. She knew my good, bad, and ugly and loved me. And vice versa.

One of the last things she said to me after we hugged goodbye, as I was walking to my car, "Good luck making friends." My first thought was I've never had a hard time making friends. I was blessed throughout my lifetime with incredible friends; I considered my sister-in-law one of them. The story I told myself in my head was she was cursing me for leaving. But she wasn't. She knew something I was naive about: as we get older, as our life ebbs and flows, as we move or transition, it's harder and harder to make good friends. My sister-in-law is famous for a few things: her chocolate chip cookies, being direct and being right. She was so right. And it crushed me when I moved to Florida.

My first few years in Vero Beach, I only made a few friends. But they had busy, important lives. They had longer established friendship circles that I didn't fit in with. I felt suffocatingly lonely. When I'd go to a coffee shop I'd look for someone my age (Vero is an older demographic). I'd pray she would look my way so we could make a connection and have a conversation. I was pathetic. Vero Beach was a lovely town, but I just didn't feel like I belonged. I didn't feel known. It was a conservative (religiously and politically) town. But it wasn't for lack of trying. I put myself out there all the time.

Sometimes I wanted to put an ad in the newspaper: Looking for close friends: Must be a compassionate, nice person. Must love and care about your flawed kids, husband, partner, friends. Must not have too much drama in your life. If you do, you must be actively working on your own stuff. I'll work on mine, you work on yours. Must be spiritual but not religious. Must be solution oriented. Must lift up women. Must not be a mean gossiping bitch. If you can't say something to someone else's face, don't tell me about it. If you need support trying to figure out how to resolve a conflict, I'll listen. But then let's move forward. Must have integrity. Must be open to learn and be curious about others and new ideas. Must not monopolize the conversation all the time; we take turns doing that. Must like to read, grow, and be self-reflective (not every day, just in general). If you like the Housewives of Orange County, I'm probably not the person you want to talk about with that; I don't watch soap operas anymore. But do love to binge-watch Netflix. Must return a text message or PMs in an appropriate amount of time (24 hours). If you don't return the text, the story I tell myself is you're not really interested in being friends; I know you have that phone with you 24/7. Speaking of phone, must stay off phone while out to lunch unless you're taking a picture to post on Instagram, or your kids, partner, or your doctor may call. Put the phone away; pretend it's 1980; Otherwise, I'm secretly judging you; I want to be friends with someone my age, not a Millennial. Must always let me drive (I have PTSD from a past accident. You don't want me as a passenger; trust me). Must accept mild germaphobes. And lastly, must be an animal lover. Must allow me to talk about my dog like he was my kid.  

Too much? I heard my sister-in-law in my head, "Good luck making friends." 

Since my vocation is one where I work with clients one-on-one, I don't meet a lot of people at a conventional job. And I don't go to church anymore; for a million reasons; but that's another blog. I don't drink anymore because I'm healing my liver and kidneys (not from drinking, but from too much fat in my diet---cheese particularly); so partying at a bar is out.
I'd go to a yoga studio or Orange Theory but the women were in and out; no real chit chatting. So, my opportunities were limited. While I loved that I moved to Florida, I thought I may have made a terrible mistake leaving the best friends I ever had back home in Chicago.

When we decided to move to Dunedin, I was excited. Everything about this new town seemed intuitively right. I told Rich that my job the first year was to figure out a way to make friends and become a part of the community-become known.

I started with volunteering at the local Dunedin Fine Arts Center. It was a lovely, safe entry into my community. Art people are funky cool and so nice. I got to know some wonderful people and I really enjoyed volunteering for this vibrant art center. And I started taking art classes there. That was nice too; but artists are really focused on their art. I kept waiting for someone to say, "Want to do lunch?" I was playing it safe. Waiting for others to take the lead--trying to figure out my place in this super interesting, established art community.

I had to be more proactive. I turned to Facebook. I 'liked' a few local Dunedin FB groups to see what was happening in the community; seemed like a lot was happening. But there were not real friendship opportunities there. I decided to start my own local Dunedin women's FB group: Dunedin Women's Share & Connect. The share part was online in our group (sharing positive life stuff). The connect part was when we got together off of social media and hung out in person. And since we live in such a polarized country, we could not talk about religion or politics. We had to just meet each other where we were as women; suspend our bias long enough to see someone for who they were as a person. Overnight, our group went from 1 to 25 women. Soon we had 200. And as of last week, we had 300 women in our group.

DWSC was for women who lived in our community, and wanted to make local connections with other women around town. It was like a Meet-Up group within a private Facebook group. So if I wanted to go to a movie or sushi, I'd put out to our DWSC group, "Going to see this movie_______at 6pm on Thursday. Who wants to join me?" If someone wanted to go bike riding or kayaking, they would put out an invitation for a day and time, and women would show up. There were many women in the group who have lived in Dunedin for years. Others, like me, were Newbies; desperate to make friends.

Once a month, I would host a breakfast. 25-30 women would show up. DWSC collects food for the local Dunedin food pantry. They are the most generous women I've ever met. When the holidays came around, many women offered up their homes to join them for a holiday meal. If someone had a birthday, they bravely asked others to join them at a wine bar. There is vulnerability for all of us as we put ourselves out there. The women showed up to cheer and celebrate that person. If there is a parade in town (and there is just about every month), they put it on the group to meet up at the parades. If they want to do a day at the beach, they bring their chairs and sunscreen and relax together.

Not everyone participates or stays in the group; too many rules, too many women, they aren't ready, too many commitments to join in, fearful of women, or don't feel the vibe or have a real need. But each woman who joins, gets to dip their feet in the water to see if the group is for them or not. And they get to make it what they want by creating their own like-minded meet ups within the group. There are a few book clubs within the group. An entrepreneur group for all the DWSC women who have their own businesses. I don't come up with all the meet up ideas; I don't go to all the events or meet ups. It's an organic group that has a life of it's own now.

This was beyond humbling to see our group grow so quickly. And we had our share of growing pains.  I've had to say yes, no, or maybe when issues or problems popped up. Some times an agenda changed. Sometimes someone was mean or gossipy and they had to be removed. Rules had to be put in place; I felt so responsible to protect the women of our large group. That didn't always go over well. This tapped into my deepest fears around women when faced with push back, rejection, and gossip. But I was always met with overwhelming support and understanding behind the scenes too. I knew I wasn't going to make everyone happy as our group grew. I couldn't control what people might be saying about me; that killed me. But I always knew the intention of my heart and why I started the group: I wanted to build a community of women who were supportive, like-minded, fun, fearless, loving, understanding, active, interesting, and kind. Some have left the group; many have stayed. I put 3 new admins in place and updated guidelines to resolve the many questions and problems that pop up and took time away from living life. I don't make leading decisions all by myself anymore; I just give occasional input and vet all the Newbies. I'm grateful to those that have been patient with me through those growing pains.

We just celebrated DWSC 1-year anniversary over the weekend. I'd share some pictures of all our many events: movie nights, parades, beach days, wine nights, vegan lunches, etc. But, "what happens in DWSC stays in DWSC"--especially because women were trying to get jobs or wanted privacy; I have to honor that. I wish I could share their beautiful faces and tell you all the cool stories about their unique lives. But I'd be breaking one of my own rules.

Each woman has a remarkable, thoughtful story; their own version of triumph and even tragedy. It draws us closers in our sharing. We've all moved past: How long have you lived here? and Where did you grow up? Conversations are going deeper as we open ourselves up to vulnerability, caring, and connection. It's fun to run into each other at festivals, parades, art galleries, and the grocery store. Each of us long to belong and feel known on some level in our community. It's been a thrill to grow and learn with them. And I can say, I truly feel known and at home here in Dunedin.

If you ever have to move to a new location. I highly recommend starting a private Facebook group. I think about the quote from Georgia O'Keeffe: Nobody sees a flower--really--it's so small--we haven't time--and to see takes time, like to have a friend takes time. I think that's really what my sister-in-law meant. xoxo

The Elephant In The Room

Rich bought me this elephant some years ago. We joke that whenever there is something that needs to be discussed, we'll say, "Can we talk about the Elephant in the room?" It's been a lighthearted thing we've mentioned when the conversation turns serious. 

As the 2020 presidential election approaches the Democrats are faced with a dilemma that is rather unique--there is a surplus of qualified candidates. Most of them have glowing credentials as well as a wealth of experience.  But one of them truly stands out – intelligent (Rhodes scholar), articulate, compassionate, deeply spiritual Christ-follower (an active member of the Episcopal Church), military vet (served in Afghanistan), speaks eight languages, plays classical piano, healthy (he is a runner), young (Millennial), and oh, one more thing: he is openly gay—and happily married at that. His name is Pete Buttigieg. 

So here is a good question for American voters: will the fact that someone is gay be enough reason to NOT vote for this outstanding, exceptionally gifted candidate? I know he’s a Democrat; I know Republicans are typically supposed to vote for Republicans because of issues like pro-life, military spending, and unregulated capitalism. But, if all things were equal, could Mayor Pete be considered a viable ‘Presidential’ candidate? I think Christians need to have this conversation. Because one day, they may have a Republican candidate who is openly gay or transgender. The times they are a changing.  

Also, maybe it’s time for a younger voice (Gen Z or Millennial) to be heard. Millennials and Gen Z make up 43% of the population. 

Rich and I come from an evangelical background where a gay lifestyle was clearly unacceptable by the vast majority of the church community back in the day.
That is changing (today slightly over half of evangelicals find it acceptable). But 45% are still against it, or undecided. Also, this is largely a generational issue. Older people find it less acceptable than younger people. But among all generations it is becoming more acceptable in recent years. I’m also curious how many in the church are more accepting of a gay lifestyle and gay marriage, but just keep silent? There is fear of speaking up or speaking out. Maybe you have gay friends and it doesn’t sit well with you anymore to abide by the ‘love the sinner but hate the sin’ dogma. It’s a struggle when your heart is compassionate, and the love that Jesus exhibited was so outrageous and dangerous (meaning he shattered social norms). 

For those who might still be opposed to homosexuality because they feel the Bible prohibits it, here are a few considerations that have changed our own thinking:

1) The word “homosexual” as we understand it today (as a sexual orientation) is not found in the Bible. The same-sex behavior that was prohibited in the Bible was a form of lustful abuse of sexual desire that often involved straight men having sex with young boys, with slaves, or engaging in a homosexual act while participating in pagan orgies, or to humiliate a defeated enemy (another words, it was just uncontrolled, self-centered, gratuitous sex). The Bible really never addresses the question of whether it is morally acceptable for two homosexually oriented individuals who willingly desire to be in a monogamous, loving relationship to be united in marriage.

2) The negative view of homosexuals in biblical times is also a product of a more primitive culture. People in ancient times had a very limited understanding of homosexuality. Just as views regarding women, slavery, and science, were pre-modern and restricted by the historical understanding of that time period. There are only the three passages that mention homosexuality in the New Testament and it is within reason to recognize that they are addressing homosexual behavior in a very limited scope (loveless self-gratification).

3) Love is clearly the overriding principle of all biblical commandments. Jesus made this clear in how he interpreted dietary laws, Sabbath laws, interactions with Gentiles, and even laws regarding adultery. This should be the overriding factor in how we treat the issues of sexual orientation and gender identity. Compassion is called for, not legalism.

4) We have many dear friends who are part of the LGBT community and a few things are crystal clear: they did not “choose” their sexual orientation or gender identity (any more than any of us have); they are good and loving people (many with a strong love for God); and they have every right to be the person God made them to be with full acceptance and affirmation. Yet, I see Christians every day doing the opposite in the name of Jesus. 

And might I add (for those Christians who are still convinced that homosexual behavior is wrong under all circumstances) if you voted for or support Donald Trump—a man who has slept with porn stars, Playboy models, and scores of other women; a man who lies, cheats, and bullies others daily; a man who says the most vile and vicious things about others; and a man who claims to be a Christian, but who believes he has no need to be forgiven by God. Then sorry, but you have lost the  moral high ground to say anything about a candidate’s behavior…period. 

I have great concern about what kind of ugliness is going to come out (from the religious right) because Mayor Pete is gay; people are so cruel when they fear others not like themselves; and when they impose religious tenets onto a secular society.

But it is my hope that having a gay man, with the integrity, brilliance, and kindness of Pete Buttigieg will give all Americans the opportunity to recognize that people from the LGBT community are worthy of full honor, respect and acceptance. You may not vote for him; I’m not sure if I’m going to vote for him yet. However, if I vote for him, it won’t be because he is gay; and if I don’t vote for him, it won’t be because he is gay. Either way, it will be because of who is he is as a human being—his capabilities, his character, and his policies. 

"Do you think the country is ready for a gay president?" asked Joy Behar

"Well, there is only one way to find out." Pete Buttigieg 

Homophobia and bigotry and racism are the kind of things all Christians should be standing up against. And if we dare, we should be having conversations about Mayor Pete’s worthiness as a credible presidential candidate regardless of his sexuality.   

In the past our ancestors did not respect women, people of color, Jews, etc., etc., etc. It is time for this generation to abandon heterosexism and judge people by the content of their character, the goodness in their heart, and their concern for others.  It is important for us to recognize that the way we view others who are different from us is strongly affected by bias. We are conditioned to think that our own tribe is superior (our race, our gender, our nationality, our religious tradition, our sexual orientation, etc.). We feel more comfortable when others look like us, talk like us, act like us and see the world the same way we do. Most bias is unconscious—we are completely unaware that our social conditioning has influenced how we view others. Therefore, it is hard for most of us to ever break out of it. One of the few things that can help us overcome bias is when we try to see what we have in common with each other by looking beyond the differences and allowing someone to shatter our stereotypes. For many people, being able to escape their bias occurs because of a close friend, a family member, a coworker, or a neighbor. I hope for thousands of people over the next presidential election cycle it occurs because of a truly honorable and worthy candidate—who just happens to be gay. Thank you Mayor Pete for being a wonderful human being, for having the courage to not let others define you, and for moving us beyond our prejudices as individuals and as a country; I truly will pray for you and your husband during this demanding and often confrontational campaign season. 

Scared Straight

Remember in the 1970s when the Scared Straight documentary came out? They took a bunch of teenage delinquents to Rahway State prison to sit them in a room with dangerous ‘lifer’ convicts. I was mesmerized. These scary looking convicts were up close and personal yelling, screaming, and swearing at these ‘young punks.’ In the hope that they would not end up like them (with no life and no chance of ever getting out of jail) these lifers were attempting to turn around the lawless teenagers. This was on TV; it was terrifying to watch it as a teenager.

I am one of those people who needs to be ‘scared straight’ when it comes to changing the course of my life (health, poor relationships, toxic work situation, etc.). Maybe you’re like me?

We are in trouble, friends & family. Serious trouble. Like, END OF LIFE AS WE KNOW IT kind of trouble.

I’m not even trying to be dramatic here. What I’m going to share is a thimble-size amount of information about Global Warming and it’s life-altering affects. If we don’t RADICALLY change all our personal and global lifestyle expectations, and start bringing Global Warming into our daily discourse, our children (especially our grandchildren) may be the last generation to exist. The science is not in our favor, folks.

I’ve had my head in the sand. You have had your head in the sand too. Be honest!

How much time are you investing learning about the consequences of living in a 21^stcentury world with fossil fuel dependency, 2-3 square meals a day of meat & dairy (times 325,000,000 people, times 7.6 billion on the planet)? Have you been bothered by our seas rising in some areas around the world because the artic glaciers are melting at an exponential rate that is unprecedented? Does the dwindling natural water aquifers cross your mind? We are polluting our streams. More than half of them are now unsuitable for aquatic life because we have dead zones in our large and small waterways (including the Gulf of Mexico). And those dead zones are growing each year. Don’t even get me started on deforestation, or plastic that sits in landfills and oceans forever, or how our coral reefs are dying, or the soon to be extinction of bees because of over use of pesticides and herbicides. We are destroying our future.

Are you feeling a little bit bummed yet? Wait, it gets worse.

In 2005, a UN report, 5 years in the making; 300 Scientist contributed to it from around the world; 1,000 scientists reviewed it. It’s called the “Millennium Ecosystem Assessment Report.” Summed up, we are ‘tearing the planet apart; we’re tearing the ecosystem apart.’ These changes will be impacting: our ability to provide clean water, and protect ourselves from natural disasters (such as main groves and marsh lands).

James Hensen’s book called, Storms of my Grandchilden: The Coming Catastrpohe is about global warming. The most terrifying thing he wrote was, “As long as there are human civilizations on this planet able to function as a civilization, we will never ever have another ice age on this planet.” We are not going to be cooling off ever again—only getting warmer as a planet.

Let me lay some science on you:

We can only put another 500 gigatons of Co2 into the atmosphere before our planet surpasses the life/eco altering 2-degree mark. So think of it like a BANK SAVING OF 500gt. That’s all we have left in our human account. We have 500gt left to emit before we ruin human’s ability to sustain healthy living. 500gt left that will keep us living safe and not utterly devastate earth’s ecosystem. THAT’S IT. We currently emit about 50gt a year. A YEAR! So if we keep emitting about 50gt a year for about 10 years we can’t reverse it. Let me say that again, so you don’t miss it: we can NOT reverse it. So we only have a few choices: Slow down emissions (cut emissions in half). With that option, maybe we’ll get 20 years. Or we get radical and do ALL WE CAN to switch to a ZERO carbon emission society. If we transition now, we have about 10-20 years depending if we alter our life to sustain the future. Future generations need our compliance now. Here is the SHOCKER: Co2 lifetime up in the atmosphere is 10,000 years. It does NOT recycle or dissolve or dissipate over time (kind of like plastic). It’s not going anywhere. We have lost our ability to be good stewards of our planet. 500gt of Co2 is ALL that we can put into the atmosphere.

This doesn’t even take into account what we put into our oceans, the uncertainty of the speed of glacier melting (to keep our earth cool), the millions of  tons of methane gas the animal agricultural industry is adding to our atmosphere, or our unstable weather patterns that create forest fires that blaze for months. Our children will be affected. Every human on earth will be affected in less than a generation. Land and oceans will forever be altered.

But wait, it gets worse.

Remember when Ralphie in a Christmas Story double dog-dared Flick to put his tongue to the flagpole? Then he threw down the coup de grace of all dares, the triple dog-dare. Flick had no choice in front of God and his peers but to put his tongue to the frozen flagpole, no matter the consequences.

I double dog-dare you to watch this 12- minute link by Rupert Read. I triple dog-dare you to watch his hour-long Cambridge lecture to a small group of brave souls who would listen. Rich and I watched both links by Dr. Rupert Read. We were shocked at how small the crowd was and that only 41,000 people had viewed the video. For crying out loud, Justin Bieber had 3,090,370,652 views on YouTube for his song, Sorry. 

LINKS 12-minutes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjeLE-ROSOI&feature=youtu.be&fbclid=IwAR0hhPX33mad5_Zzd7LZ2aO72Uya3E4ulhODey-L-1Nq5GHaBQ_VcAx1r-c
1-hour
Shed A Light: Rupert Read – This civilisation is finished: so what is to be done?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzCxFPzdO0Y

If you didn’t watch the links because you’re super busy watching something on TV or scrolling on Facebook, I BEG you, to please stop what you’re doing and watch this now.

This may sound alarmist, but it is not alarmist when the danger is real. If you’re not fearful and scared about Global Warming then you’ve not really been paying attention.

For those of you who live in colder climates, it’s almost the end of winter. I know you’re all tired of it and think it would be great to have burst of Global Warming right about now. I get it. I moved away to a warmer climate because I hated the cold. I never even gave one minute of thought about global warming until I came to Florida. In only 3 years since we’ve moved here, the summers are longer and hotter. The ocean is warmer too. One symptom of human interference to our ecosystem and global warming is red-tide. It’s a toxic algal bloom that caused sea life to die and humans to have an instant respiratory cough. It too difficult to breathe on the shores of the ocean; you have to leave the beach or suffer. Rich and I have seen it and inhaled it when it gets bad.

It’s like knowing in 10 years a major asteroid is going to hit earth. You start preparing NOW. You throw all your resources into things that really matter. You educate people so they can change their expectations and conscious conditioning. Remember, it doesn’t mean the world will end in 10 years if we don’t do anything, it means in 10 years the damage will be irreversible and the life altering natural catastrophes that we have seen multiplying over the last few years will speed up like a runaway train until earth is uninhabitable for our children and grandchildren.

Most days, I’m a pretty optimistic person. I like to keep it positive; I like the energy buzz I feel when I choose a ‘don’t worry, be happy’ mindset. I like to lift up the spirits of other’s around me too. There is so much to dig about our day-to-day lives. The world is so remarkable and beautiful. And people are beautiful.

But we have to set aside those parts of us that want to deny or delay the truth about Global Warming and what is coming in our future.

We need to teach eco truth in the school. We need to have philosophical and intellectual, critical-thinking conversations about this subject.

Mother Nature will be on the ballot in 2020. We have to vote for her. I know, it may go counter-intuitive to every Capitalistic instinct you have. But we won’t have a normal economy at this rate. We have to transform it now. We have to wake up and be scared straight. We need to believe our scientists and ignore our politicians (who are serving the interests of big corporations).

While I may think it would be fantastic for everyone to have health care, a decent working wage, free collage tuition so we can stay competitive around the world, and high-speed rail trains. You may want the Wall or a bigger military. The truth it’s pointless to debating whether to spend billions on Space Force or free healthcare when life on the planet is in peril. Hard stop!

It’s now or never!

Remember the movie Schindler’s List? Remember at the end of the movie when he says goodbye to the Jews he saved? He laments that he could have saved more, that he threw away so much money. He didn’t do enough. He questions his choices (even after doing so much). But the moral implications of not doing his all meant that people would die. He crumples under the weight of his anguish. “Why did I keep this car? 10 people right there. This pin. This is gold; two more people—at least one. I could have saved one more person. And I didn’t.”

Teach your children about Global Warming. Talk about it all the time. In the 1970s, we collectively talked about cleaning up pollution and denuclearization. It changed our world. Inspire your children and grandchildren to dream big dreams to save our planet and reverse the damage the industrial revolution brought about.

Don’t put your head in the sand and think 1) Jesus is going to return. 2) This is not my home; my home is in Heaven. 3) Don’t just pray it away. God has called us to action and solutions, not passivity and waiting for him to do our work. By that logic, why bother to put out a fire? We need to do what we can to stop the destruction. Anything less would be a denial of reality. We have a moral obligation to those we love and our future relatives who will come after us. All great leaders and sacred books inspire us to be stewards of our planet and that of our brothers and sisters.

In our quest to aspire to be the greatest nation in the world, we may have contributed the most to destroying our planet due to our materialistic and relentless want for the unnecessary. Becoming conscious is the only thing that is going to save us. So learn about how to become a conscious American/human and how to do your part to keep the true state of our Union and our Planet in the forefront of our mind before it’s too late.

Did I scare you straight? If not, then you didn’t watch the links or read the books or watch the documentaries. When you do, let’s talk.

I am contributing to global warming every day. You are too. I’m admitting that I have foolishly, ignorantly, and selfishly striving for more, and wanting an easy lifestyle at the expense of my children and grandchildren’s future. So have you. However, I’m committed to figuring out how I can change that. I’m committed to talking about this subject as if my life depended on it (because it does). Why? I believe scientists and philosophers, teachers, artists, and persuasive orators of truth, and dreamers of the future. Mostly, I am listening and observing all that Mother Natures is revealing. She has my complete attention now.

Vote and transform society before it’s too late. Otherwise we’re going to be writing our own grim version of a song called ‘SORRY’ to the last generation. We have to figure out how to come together, mend fences and build bridges or our society will fall due to run away fears and danger that we can’t even comprehend at this moment.   

January 2019

It's been a jam-packed January. 

This blog is a little all over the place. I decided to just log it for posterity.

January 2019: 

I managed to get in a few joyous January walks and bike rides this month (but more on that later). I rode longer than before because we got Buddha a new bike carriage to join us on the Pinellas Trail. It's so fun to have him ride with us (instead of feeling guilty he's home alone). 

This time of year is beautiful here in Florida. I enjoy feeling the cool and warm air mingle during these January days; each day is a surprise-weather wise. This has been my fourth January in Florida. I still can't get over seeing leaves on trees in winter, and birds chirping and playing about, like they are on summer vacation. And I still can't get over walking the beach on a beautiful 65-degree sunny day. 

I took a huge leap to do something that I've felt called to do in the last few years: I'm starting Dr. T. Colin Campbell's online Cornell University course on Plant Based Nutrition. I'm adding plant-based educator to my teaching skills (of yoga therapy and meditation). I know that you can be healthy in your mind or spirit but not your body (and visa versa). I'm also taking a medical immersion in NC in June with the author of the author of “Prevent and Reverse Heart Disease”, Dr. Caldwell Esselstyn (and his team). Also his son, Rip Esselstyn (who works with Forks Over Knives, and Engine 2), will be there. This Cornell course and medical immersion is going to push me out of my comfort zone. They both are going to begin to prepare me to teach as a plant-based educator in 2019. 

I pay attention to what shows up in my life (people, the types of conversations that organically happen, where my mind rests when it's not busy or worried). One of the things that comes, up over and over again, is having conversations about health and eating a whole food plant-based diet. People are curious. They find out I'm a vegan and have a bunch of questions; all of the questions are positive. I think for a number of reasons: awareness that our planet and ocean resources are in trouble (partly because of the livestock industry); people are getting older and they are having real health issues that are not going away by the 'moderate' or 'fad' diets they have been eating through the years; people are genuinely worried about how much time they have left and want to know if they can reverse some of the diseases in their bodies. Many of them want to get off their diabetes, high blood pressure or cholesterol medication. Many of the conversations I have are people curious how to just add more enjoyable plant-based meals to their menus. They wonder if it's possible to really heal their sick bodies. They saw the Forks Over Knives and What The Health documentaries on Netflix and wonder if I can recommend any good books or recipe websites or doctors. I love these conversations. I could talk about the planet, animals, and healing foods all day long. 

What I'm not getting anymore is pushback starting with uninformed questions like 'where do you get your protein?' or know-it-all comments of 'I read an article that said that vegans are not healthy." Those conversations drove us nuts. Nobody questioned us for 50 years when we ate the typical fast-food diet that is completely absent of nutrition, and is a sure prescription for high blood pressure, diabetes, heart attacks, and cancer. Now all of a sudden they are worried we're going to have protein deficiency and land in the hospital. 

I am happy that I don't have to have all the answers. My love is simply resourcing people. I'd rather point them in the direction of the top plant-based doctors in the country. They are the experts. I'm not. But I do have a passion for healing our planet, our bodies, being kinder to animals, and eating high vibrational foods that give you energy. And, after two years, I genuinely love eating this way and feel good. That should count for something. 

I've been blessed to be friends with the creator of Brand New Vegan, Chuck Underwood the last few years too. Rich and I would not be where we are in our ability to change our health or sustain our whole food plant-based eating with out BNV. Chuck and I are teaming up to create a remote coaching course for those that are brand new vegans in the BNV Community. If someone is a brand new vegan, they can have some personal support and feedback. This is all in the works and on paper right now. But it gets me excited to get up out of bed to think about how we can help brand new vegans eat healthy, establish a whole plant-based lifestyle....and sustain it. And in my own personal practice, I'm thrilled that a coaching program can support my new clients who also want to eat wiser as well as move and breathe with more ease.

I took my blood sugar this morning. It was mid-70s. This is incredible because I was one point away from being a diabetic two years ago. Getting off meat and dairy and saturated fat is healing my blood glucose receptors to metabolize blood sugar levels. My liver is still healing (probably my pancreas too)...but slowly. But my kidneys are doing great.

Also this January I did something that scared me shitless. I went to a program on snakes. My fear of snakes is legendary.

A friend told me about this snake program in town. At first, I was like, "OH hell no!" It was funny as many of my new friends and I processed our primal fear of snakes on a Facebook post. But for days, I had this little voice inside of me that said, "You should really go to that snake program." That little voice has guided me for years. It also pisses me off because it asks me to do scary things like reach out to people that I've hurt, or give someone another chance because of grace, take a risk and move across the country, and go to a snake program to BEGIN to face my fear.

At first, I thought it would be a Power Point program by the park rangers from the local community. I learned a few days later they would have lives snakes. REAL snakes in the room--like snakes on a plane. I shivered just thinking about it. Okay, they wouldn't be loose, but my irrational fears had already visualized that program going south quickly. I wanted to bail out of going but knew for some reason I needed to be there. The inner Kim that's brave was like, "Suck it up, you're going!" I brought Rich with me to hold my hand, or pick me up if I fainted.

About eight of my new friends also showed up. We didn't all sit together but knew we were there. We smiled at each other. Gave nervous looks before the program started. They all knew I was scared to be there.

The ranger picked the first tied up cotton bag up out of the bin. He pulled out the thick black snake out of the bag It was about 5 feet long. The snake began to slither and curl around the ranger’s arm and hands, and just at that very moment, without me knowing it, my friend, Nancy, came up behind me to be supportive and put both of her hands on my shoulders. I screamed like a teenage girl in a slasher movie and flew out of my chair. I'm not sure, but I think I may have knocked some people out of the way? It happened so fast. Everyone in the room turned around. I was crying and had to be coaxed back to my seat. My friends cried out, "Kim, touch the snake. You gotta touch the snake." I felt like I was 5 years old. But I touched the snake. It was really soft. And dare I say, it was pretty. I was able to regain my composure. More snakes came out of their cotton bags. The rangers walked around the crowded room to let everyone who wanted to, touch the non-venomous snakes. I'd recoil as soon as they got close to me. But miraculously, I found the courage to touch each one. That 'inner intuitive voice' had a plan all along.

I touched 3 snakes. ME! I touched 3 snakes. It was the first time, in my three years living in Florida, that I didn't go to sleep worried about seeing a snake show up in my dreams. Yeah, the phobia was that bad. Baby steps! 

I've since researched online the six venomous snakes in Florida (before this snake talk, I couldn't even watch the Harry Potter snake scene let alone go online to look at venomous snake pictures.) We only have to memorize those six venomous snakes. The others are not too much to worry about--thank God.

When things are not working, it's easy to be negative and feel hopeless. When nothing is going right we wanna reach for the chocolate chip vegan ice cream at 11:45pm. (Not that I have any experience with eating freezer-burn ice cream out of desperation just for that dopamine hit that lasts until 11:46pm with the self-loathing kicking in about 11:47pm).   

Our Government is also not working. The 35-day shutdown is over (for now) but it made a helluva mess. Once again, the political stances put people on polarizing opposite ends of defending a position. It hit me relationally again too. It's hard to listen and understand via social media. It's even harder when you lump people in groups and suspect them of disrespect and wrong thinking just for disagreeing or having an opinion. We have to press-on and seek to heal and learn from one another via dialogue versus one-sided debate. I don't know how much more our country can take? I don't know how much more I can take having relationships that have been so altered because of politics. It crushes me. I may have to just ride out the next two years as if we are in a permanent polar vortex. Maybe in a few years, people will remember that they love each other more then they love being right? Maybe in a few years, people will see where they misspoke and own it? Maybe they will see how they pushed people away? Maybe we will all have learned a thing or two about ourselves? Maybe we'll evolve because we're so sick of the state of our Union and the state of many relationships?

Vertigo it's a real thing. It's random though. It feels like I've been drinking too much wine. Kinda have to ride that out too when it happens. 

Insomnia it's a real thing too. My new record is only 3 hours of sleep a night for no damn good reason  other than it's Thursday.  

My back went out on an off for most of this month. It was so frustrating. I could walk one day, then I'd be horizontal for 3 days. If I rode my bike, I always paid the price. I ignored those signals because I told myself it was worth a little pain in the moment if I could still go for a bike ride. How dumb is that? I had flashbacks to 2005 when I was down for three months and couldn't work. I got to know my chiropractor so well, he asked me to come work for him when I got better. 

I'd try everything at my disposal: ice, yoga therapy, heat, hot baths infused with CBD, slow walks, massage, fascia blaster treatments. I don't know if it was physiological or truly a food miracle, but turmeric capsules a few times a day does wonders for inflammation. Maybe it was just the healing factor of time? I'm hoping it lasts. 

For the first time in 40 years, I hit someone's parked car (pretty good dent, too).  I looked to the right but not to the left. I should have known better. I've never had an accident where I was driving before. I was on the phone. Distracted. It's a cardinal rule of mine not to use the phone while driving---I try hard not to break it. I’m grateful nobody was in the other car. The only thing that really got hurt was my pride. Thankfully, our car insurance covered liability; costs of repair for the other person will be taken care of. We will have to pay $500 out of pocked for our deductible and get our own rental car. 

Also, my 55-year old teeth have a shelf-life.  I have a mouthful of teeth that are cracked; teeth that won't last until I'm 60yrs old. They have finally come to their end. Sensodyne Rapid Relief doesn't work anymore. (BTW-did you know there are over 21 different types of Sensodyne Toothpaste?) I had my first root-canal and crown last year. That cost was $3000. However, it didn't work. So the tooth had to be extracted with a bone graph. That surgery cost $2000. I still have to have the implant put in when the bone heals in five months. The implant will cost $3000. Then, I have to have another new crown with an abutment. That should cost about $1000. So this one damn tooth, is about $8000-9000 dollars. My dentist was kind enough to give me a break on the crown and said he'd whiten my teeth for free because he felt so bad about it. We don't have traditional dental insurance. What we have to pay for dental work keeps me from seeing other doctors to figure out why I have vertigo or Insomnia, or going back to the Chiropractor again. The cost of dental work in America is NOT working. My friend went to Mexico and got a bunch of teeth done for $1500. I could have done the same thing and had a vacation. This is just ONE tooth out of many in my head that has to be replaced. I can't even wrap my brain around the cost of all my future dental work or being toothless at my age.  

The only upside of dental surgery is that I spent a few days on the couch, in my jammies, watching Netflix, and being waited on like the Queen of Sheba by my wonderful husband. Buddha would not leave my side either. I'm blessed. 

January has been noted. Lots of special moments were experienced. The less desirable things that happened are relatively minor in the grand-scheme of life. We are one month into the New Year 2019. I hope better days are ahead for all of us (especially people going through severe hardships). But we don't know what the future holds; it will probably be a mixed bag of both good and difficult. Right now, I'm sitting on the couch. I'm still in my PJ’s. In this moment, my jaw hurts like hell. But my back feels great. Go figure?