Thanksgiving 2014

WANT TO SEE A MIRACLE? 

THIS IS THANKSGIVING 2014 AT MY PARENTS HOUSE IN LITCHFIELD PARK, AZ. 

MY SISTER BECKY, MY NEPHEW CHRISTOPHER (AND HIS GIRLFRIEND, HAYDAN), AND MY MOM AND DAD AND RICH WERE PRESENT. 

THERE IS MORE TO THIS STORY. THE PAGES ARE BEING WRITTEN. IT'S BEEN ONE OF THE MOST REMARKABLE EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE. A STORY THAT GOD HAS BEEN PREPARING ME FOR MY WHOLE LIFE.

AFTER 6 YEARS OF NOT SPEAKING TO EACH OTHER, 4 MONTHS AGO, I INVITED MY PARENTS TO SKYPE WITH ME ONCE A WEEK TO LEARN HOW TO LET GO OF THE PAST AND LIVE IN THE PRESENT MOMENT. 

EACH WEEK WE'D SKYPE FOR 2-3 HOURS. IT'S BEEN AMAZING TO SEE HOW MY PARENTS SHOW UP WEEK AFTER WEEK TO LEARN NEW TOOLS AND NEW WAYS TO DO LIFE TOGETHER. 

I'M SO PROUD OF THEM. 

 I LOVE HOW MY MOM IS LAUGHING IN THIS PICTURE. I HAVE A LOT TO BE THANKFUL FOR THIS YEAR. :-) 

Confessions of a Germaphobe

October 2014: I know many were in a panic about Ebola. When it first came to the U.S. My first thought was, “Shit! This is how the Bubonic Plague and Small Pox pandemic started." My second thought, “What does the CDC, WHO, and The White House know that we don’t know? Of course they can’t tell us. It would be utter panic.” My third thought is, “Kim, you’re a freak. Calm down.” 

This Germaphobia started when I was a little girl. My grandmother would teach me how to properly wash my hands and cover my mouth when I sneezed. She spoke with such gravity about germs and wearing a camisole in wintertime, so I didn’t catch ’the death of me', I paid attention like my life depended on it. In my late teens and early twenties I worked for several dentists. That set my neurosis. I would forever know how long a germ was alive on a counter or person’s mouth. Too much information is dangerous. And yes, ignorance is Bliss (I’m married to him).  But when I worked for the dentists, I got to wear scrubs and a mask. 

I know Germophobes are irrational to some degree. However, when I get sick, it goes right to my chest and feels like it’s on fire. I’ll be down for the count for weeks and begging Jesus to take me home. This is because of having bronchitis or pneumonia one too many times; my respiratory system is a tad overly suspicious of that hanky you keep pulling out of your pocket and wiping your nose with.  

Germs are either a virus or bacterium. Each behaves differently. 

Since it was the 80’s when I worked for a dentist, AIDS was a big concern. The AIDS virus is fragile and only lives for a few hours. Hepatitis B are hardy and can survive up to a week. Small Pox is tenacious. It also depends on our immune system and our hygiene practices. According the Myth Busters, The Safe Sneeze on YouTube video, Sneezing into your hand, will shoot up to 9.5 feet away. Sneezing into your elbow 0.5 feet. Of course, what do your hands touch after the sneeze: cellphone, remote control, faucets, computer mouse, money, door knob, keyboard, bathroom doors. If you sneeze into your elbow, do you hug anyone after that? 

The good news, according to Dr. Gerba, ‘The top of the toilet seat in your office is cleaner than the top of your desk. 400x more bacteria on the top of the desk, and most colds and flu viruses can last about two to three days on a surface. Stomach viruses can last up to 30 days.’ I couldn’t even watch Sponge Bob without out being grossed out. 

How do you know you’re a Germaphobe?

 Here is a little test. 

1) You don’t mind if someone cancels their plans if they are sick. 
What goes through my mind: “Thank you sweet Jesus!”

2) Looking at the menu or salt & pepper at a restaurant, you secretly wish you could put on gloves. (I love winter for this reason only.)
What goes through my mind: “I’ll just use this napkin to open the menu and pick up the salt & pepper and no one will ever see how weird I am.”  
 
3) You don’t share food, makeup, or soap with others.
 What goes through my mind: “Oh Hell-to-the-No!” 

4) Your friend’s child has a runny, snotty nose:
What goes through my mind: “What color is it? Clear I can stay for 30 minutes. Yellow or Green, I’m so sorry but I have to scoot. Lets connect again real soon…..when your adorable child isn’t infecting everyone around them.” 

5) If you’re spouse is recently sick, you don’t mind keeping your distance.
What goes through my mind: “Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable like my pink hazmat suit, Darling!” 

6) Family gatherings are stressful (especially in the wintertime). 

What goes through my mind: “Okay, if I go, I see possibly 5-10 days minimum of Vicks Vapor rub in my future.” 

7) You panic when someone sneezes without cover their mouth. 

What goes through my mind: “What is wrong with you? Thank you for the plague jerk!”

8) Going to the doctors office for God only knows what: 

What goes through my mind: “Where is the gallon size bottle of Anti-Bacteral Gel? And those magazines are a petri-dish experiment.” 

9) As soon as a sick house guest leave you whip out the Lysol: 

What goes through my mind: “Die you Rhinovirus bitch!” 

10) Getting on airplanes makes you break out into a cold sweat. 

What goes through my mind: “When is the last time this plane has been wiped down and disinfected? Oh never? Let me just spray my Thieves essential oils and ignore you for the remainder of the flight unless the plane is about to crash.”

11) Public Transportation raises your blood pressure.

What goes through my mind: “For the love of Gene Roddenberry when are they going to invent transporters? Excuse me, pardon me, I’ll just gladly sit at the back of the bus or train, not touch anything, and hold my breath until I get off at the next possible stop.” 

12) Someone invites you to soak in their hot tub.

What goes through my mind: I just laugh out loud. 

13) You walk into a hotel room and die a little. (20/20 ruined me for life)

What goes through my mind: “Help me, God!” 

14) You hate public bathrooms.

What goes through my mind: “What would G.G. do? (G.G. was my grandmother) Cover the seat, flush with her foot, wash and drip dry her hands. Exit quickly” 

15) You have to leave a public building or a room and have to pull the door open. 

What goes through my mind: "Let me just use my sleeve or purse handle to pull this icky-grody-handle." (Again, the only good reason for winter is wearing gloves.) I'm so happy when I see push doors. Someone was thinking! :-) 

While Ebola is filling up the airwaves with news of quarantines, I’m sure our country is on it. This terrible disease won’t spread. The things we need to be aware of are things that can really kill us according to a CNN report by the CDC: 

RSV Respiratory Syncytial Virus (Almost every child has this before they are 2yrs old.) RSV spreads through coughs and sneezes and is serious for Seniors—14,000 people die over 65 from it annually. The Flu spreads from droplets from slick people coughs and sneezes. 75,000 test positive for it in 2012-13. There are 3,000 to 49,000 deaths a year. Norovirus spreads from an infected person, contaminated food, water, or surface attributing to 570-800 deaths a year. HIV infects 50,000 a year through bodily fluids or infected needles and in 2010 there were about 15,000 deaths. 

So many things can get us sick. Everything from Influenza to Staphylococcus. 

However, the real good news: 

Plus we can do many things to stay healthy to keep our immune systems high. 

The obvious things are:

WASH YOUR HANDS (20 seconds min). 1 in 3 of Americans (33%) don’t wash their hands after they go to the bathroom. Gross!!! 

COVER YOUR MOUTH IF YOU SNEEZE OR COUGH (into the elbow is acceptable) 

STAY HOME IF YOU ARE SICK (you are a walking petri-dish)

GET PLENTY OF SLEEP (I am working on that…always)

CLEAN THE HOT SPOTS (desks, phones, sinks, door nobs) Tea Tree oil with Vinegar and water spay is a safe non-chemical cleaner

INCREASE ZINC (nuts, spinach, oysters, beans, pumpkin seeds)

GET OFF SUGAR AND PROCESSED FOODS (don’t roll your eyes, it keeps your immune system strong)

STRENGTHEN GUT (take healthy, natural good bacteria probiotics and microbes, yogurt, kefir, unpasteurized sauerkraut, kombucha tea.)

Needless to say, I don’t have very many friends. Adrian Monk and I could have been good friends. 

  

Eating In Moderation IS A LIE

 I wrote about hormones back in March 2014 because of sudden weight gain and extreme fatigue. I reached out in desperation, to a friend, Dr. Sean Patterson in CA who specialized in female hormonal issues (Thyroid, Adrenal, and Weight Gain) http://www.drseanpatterson.com

I wanted to update, 6 months later how it's going and what I've learned about sugar now. Brace yourself. You may not like it. (Don't hate the messenger). 

I did all the things Sean told me to do: 

1) Go on Adrenal Support Supplements and rehabilitate my adrenal glands. 

2) Get off Sugar (because I was pre-diabetic and now insulin resistant). 

3) No alcohol (don't drink sugar calories)

4) No wheat or gluten products (there is a gluten molecule called Gliadin that looks like (and mimics)  the Thyroid gland, and it can stress your immune system out). Also wheat and gluten products have a higher glycemic index that quickly turns to sugar. 

5) Stop over-exercising (for my body type) because it raises my cortisol levels. And since my adrenals are tanked, I can't stress my body out. I was only allowed to walk 30-60 mins a day. He allowed me to continue to teach my yoga classes but only because it’s a gentle therapeutic, restorative yoga class. The day I teach 3 classes in one day, I don’t do anything the next day but rest (maybe stroll around the block with Fred).  

At first, I was in commando mode (I normally am when presented with a challenge). I can do this; I got this. No problem. After 1 month, I had a bit more energy (now on bio-identical hormones) but felt overwhelmed navigating around food choices and socializing. My brain had to catch up with this new way of living and eating. I was consciously incompetent. 

I wanted to become consciously competent and then eventually unconsciously competent (yeah, I know, it’s a tongue twister and mind bender).

To help educate myself more, I used  Dr. Berg’s 7 Principles of Fat Burning concepts. I know I say this a lot about meditation and yoga, but seriously, THIS book CHANGED MY LIFE!!! After all these years, I FOUND THE MISSING LINK to why I yo-yo’ed with my weight. I finally understand why I have not been able to get under a size 12 for the last 15 years. It IS about hormones. Hormones (not calories) tell our body to burn fat or store fat. 

In the 7 Principles of Fat Burning, there are 4 Body Types: Thyroid, Liver, Ovary, Adrenal. 

My whole life, I was an Ovary Body type (the hippy girl). After my hysterectomy (not having ovaries anymore) my body immediately became an Adrenal Body Type (all of a sudden this saggy belly). In the book he talks about what to eat and not eat (much of what he had to say, Sean had already told me….but it was more in depth). Rich and I read the book together. 

Here is what I’ve learned after 6 months: 

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS EATING IN MODERATION. It’s a LIE (probably by the food industry). If you do eat in moderation, have at it. But don’t complain about the 10-15lbs (or more) that you can’t lose. I look back on my own life and see now why I’d put weight on (or carried) an couldn’t take it off, and why I just got ‘acceptably bigger’ for my height and age.

Truth is, you can ONLY eat in moderation (IMHO) if you have a stellar metabolism, you are under 35 and nowhere near peri-menopause, or you naturally work out like a maniac—meaning it’s how you’re wired. If you are naturally skinny…we secretly hate you….but don’t take it personally….we just do. ;-)

I used to think it was about calories in and exercise out. No problem. I love to work out. I love being outside. I love to move. 

However, it’s NOT about exercise. It’s about our hormones and our stress levels. (Insulin & Cortisol). Our hormones affect our metabolism. And how much sleep are you getting? We lose more weight (in the Delta state) when we get good sleep. I am still working on this. If we are not sleeping well (which for me, shifted in my 40’s…and I’m now 50), your fat-burning capacity is seriously diminished. 

Here is the bad news or the enlightened news--depending on if you're a glass is half full or half empty kind of person.

One 80-calorie cookie can stop your fat-burning capacity for 2-3 days, depending on how healthy you are because of the insulin and leptin. Sugar (and gluten too) raises your insulin levels which messes with your hormones. Energy and weight loss will only happen if you balance food intake, sleep, and get proper exercise for your body type. If you are over-producing insulin your body will convert it to fat. If you eat that birthday cake at work (which usually sucks), you will stop your fat burning capacity for days. Sugar will shut it all down. You can't work sugar off enough. 

We need to get healthy FIRST before we can lose weight. The 7-Priniciples of Fat Burning showed us how to eat and workout based on our body type. 

Rich and I took it seriously. He was pre-diabetic too. This is our health; we are not getting any younger. Health wise, turning 50 came with a serious wake-up call. It was a blessing in disguise. We talk about it every day (counting the days off sugar and grain like it’s our AA meetings). We know if we go back on sugar, we will be in trouble. The weight WILL come back on. It’s about our hormones and insulin level, not exercise. We have to look at sugar like crack cocaine. 

By the way, watch the documentary called FED UP about sugar and the food industry and how it’s killing us as a country with the rise of diabetes and obesity. (Don’t even get me started on how greedy corporations are are messing with our brains with sugar everywhere). This movie may help you know what’s going on and maybe get you mad enough to fight the system. 

You know why only 2-5% lose the weight and keep it off? Hormones! And they watch their sugar intake. I'd like to be a 2%-er five years from now. I only will be if I stay off sugar. If I think I can eat in moderation and know what is happening day to day in my body, hormonally, I'm fooling myself. Now I know why all those Biggest Loser people gained weight back. A calorie is not a calorie. There is no such thing as eating in moderation. 

The reason the messaging from the advertising and fitness industry tells us we can eat in moderation is so we don't hurl ourselves off a cliff.  Our limbic system is SO attached to food that we can't possibly think of living without sugar (for some people it's bread). We are a society that has been brainwashed to believe that we can have whatever we want. So they told us: get off our couch and exercise, don't be lazy, cut your calories. WRONG. Exercise is good. Keep doing it. The body was created to move. But get off sugar, and over time, you'll get your figure back. Even better, you'll have energy again and repair your hormonal systems (and maybe a few others). It won't be overnight (especially if you are a peri-menopausal or post menopausal women or over weight man or woman). But if you want to be healthy, if it means that much to you, getting off the Twinkies and Hershey Bars is worth it. 

Fun Foodie Facts???

**A 20-oz bottle of soda contains the equivalent of approximately 17 teaspoons of sugar

**It will take a 110-pound child 75 mins of bike riding to burn off the calories in one 20-ounce bottle of soda.

**In 2012, Americans consumed an average of 765 grams of sugar every 5 days, or 130 pounds each year.

**Individuals who drink one to two sugar-sweetened beverages per day have a 26% higher risk for developing type II diabetes. 

A few tricks I've been using. 

1) If you travel, bring your own food.

2) Do your own cooking. 

3) Practice saying 'no thanks' Feed your body not your pleasure centers.

4) If you have a craving, smell it. Yep, use that olfactory bulb. The power of smell will influence your pleasure center in the brain. Smell whatever you want to eat and drink for up to 90 seconds and cravings will pass. I've had people pass me their potato chips or margarita so I could smell it. I tell myself, "I've had EVERY food and drink under the sun in my lifetime. I know what this tastes like. I don't need it." And if I really need it, I recall it with my mind. Yeah, kind of Zen stuff, but it works. 

5) Once you are off sugar for 2-3 weeks, the hormones level out and the cravings disappear. I have to watch myself socially (have some self-talk) and I'm fine. Sugar is a legal addiction in our society [see above brain scan picture]. It will take time to get off it just like nicotine or alcohol. Be kind to yourself. 

6) Find things that you can replace or substitute that are healthy. Rich likes brownies and I like cheesecake. We make it with Xylitol (a natural sugar wood alcohol that doesn't mess with your blood sugar. Many diabetics use it). But be careful not to over do it. It can affect your adrenals and digestion if you over-do-it on Xylitol. Now that Rich is in maintenance, he can add honey back into his body and he hasn't gained weight. 

To date, Rich has lost 37lbs. The guy eats salad like it's a treat. His mother would be flipping out if she saw him. He's hardly worked out too (only walks here and there with me over the summer). And, he no longer snores or has chest pains. He looks incredible. I have not lost that much or that fast. I was on steroids and antibiotics in the spring from asthma and pneumonia. I’m following behind him. I refuse to get on the scale to ‘know my weight’. Numbers mess with my head. I don’t want to be identified with a number. However, I do get on the scale each week and Rich tells me if I’ve gone down. That is all that matters to me. Dr. Berg says that you can't loose weight until you get healthy. If I've lost 1/2 pound per week, it's a good week. It means my body is healing. I've read dozens and dozens of books on weight loss through the years. NOW I finally know the missing link and how to manage weight loss: hormones. 

 For the first time in our dieting history, I don't obsess about food anymore. Now that I'm off sugar, it's not causing cravings and messing with my hormones. We’ve eaten well, and eaten a lot: yummy things (legal cheesecake, pizza, brownies, scones), but we’ve never gained. As long as we eat clean and stay away from sugar and grains, we are safe. 

6 months later, my energy levels are okay. I know someday they will be great! Sean wasn’t kidding when he said that it would take two years to rehabilitate my adrenals. I can have energy one minute and then BAM, I’m down for the count; feels like I just got done running a marathon. This isn’t always convenient (and my sweet husband has done more than his share when I have to take it easy). I’ve had to make defining choices about how much I can handle (other people’s energies, and my own) and manage it. We’ve made HUGE lifestyle choices that will help bring more healing to the body/mind/spirit….in order to STAY healthy.

4 months ago, I started a private FB support group (ladies only) for women who wanted to GET HEALTHY FIRST…..AND THEN LOSE WEIGHT. The group is based on the book, 7-Principles of Fat Burning. The group is here to support and encourage each other with grace and high-fives. We share what’s working and what’s not working. It’s a safe place to figure it out. Many of the women (especially those who are actively participating) are losing weight. There have been some amazing success stories of 25-50lbs lost so far by some of the women. If you’d like me to add you to the group, I’d be happy to do that. :-) 

Robin Williams and Me

I was going to write another blog this month, but decided that I'd rather share a Life is Life moment that happen on FB.

I posted this on my FB page on August 12th, the day after we all learned that Robin Williams committed Suicide. 

FB Post: I just shared this long post with my dear friends in my interfaith group this morning. I dreamt about Robin all night long and my connection to his person pain. This is a bit raw for some, so please forgive my authentic self and my heart on the subject. 

I've been reading how could Robin not got get help or not know he was loved? Here is my response.

Robin DID get help. The problem was maybe he got the wrong kind of help? The science of the mind is still relatively young. As someone who grew up with severe abuse, rejection, PTSD, my mind was set up to struggle. Some are born with inner brain chemistry imbalances some imbalances are created by trauma. I don't know which exactly was for me?? I suffered with suicidal ideation for years and told NO one. In 2008, I was in full-on clinical depression. It caught up to me. I couldn't repress and be happy for myself and everyone around me anymore. My body was saying, rest, heal, look at what's going on in your thoughts. Medication made it worse. But what the heck did that mean to look at my thoughts? My thoughts were crazy? In my mind, I was seriously F*&% up. In November of 2008, I swallowed more pills then the human body is suppose to take. I wanted to put my mind out of it's misery. Here is what I wish everyone would know: 1) Nobody wants to commit suicide. You're just exhausted and tired of what is happening in your mind. 2) There is hope out of clinical depression and suicidal ideation. After my attempt, I called Kevin the next day. He was furious with me. Instead of compassion he was angry and scared. "What the fuck is wrong with you?! You have got to stop caring what other people think of you, Mom. How do you think I feel to have a mother whose suicidal? You have got to get a grip. You've got to start meditating or something!" It was that harsh talk that woke me up; and saved me! Probably nobody could have woke me up but Kevin. So within a month, I committed to learning how to live a mindful life, living in the present moment. Through daily (and I mean many many times during the day of practice), I mediated and learned how to organize my thoughts. I watched my thoughts and questioned each one. Within 3 months, I was free. I was FREE from all the suffering I had created in my mind. I was FREE from all the thoughts I believed my whole life. I believe that Robin knew he was loved. I knew I was loved. My husband, Rich, stood by me (helplessly) holding onto the rope while I pulled myself up out of the quicksand. It's not about how much we know we are loved. It's about those F#$%^ thoughts!!! Because of how I was set free through mediation, released with blessing from my counselor, and all medication, I have a passion for what I do now. Robin's death hits me hard. I hate to see another life lost (whether they are famous, a suffering PTSD vet, or the neighbor next door). Jon Kabat-Zinn is a doctor who wrote the book Full Catastrophe Living. He talks about the science of the brain/ mind in relationship to the nervous system and mediation. Eckart Tolle talks about how to live in the present moment in The Power of Now!. These two books helped save my life too. I had to learn to let go to all attachments of my thought stories and emotions. It took a while but I got really good at it. I know Robin's at peace now. He was probably blessed and cursed with a mind that went 1000mph. It was probably very difficult to be inside his head. I believe in cognitive therapy; but that is only about 40% effective. The body also has to move the trauma out of the body (animals do this). That's why yoga is a movement that will stimulate our vagal nerve giving us better vagal-tone that helps us with our resilience. Our bodies and minds are complex. Drugs are fine in some situations. In most, it's detrimental. It almost was for me. I share all this because if you know anyone who is suffering, please feel free to send them my way. I'd be happy to talk to them and offer what I did. I don't have the cure for depression or suicidal ideation. I just was one person who found an alternative route to healing. Love to you all and love to Robin. 

Many of my friends wrote extremely loving comments to me being brave about opening up and sharing my personal struggle. Here are my following replies: 

**I'm deeply touched by your love, friends. Honestly, this was the best thing that ever happen to me. I can't imagine going back to pre-suicidel Kim. Pain can be transformational when the soul is engaged. Even though I was tried and depleted, I'm kind of a fighter.  The depression has never returned since 2009 when I started living a mindful life in the present. Sure, I get sad. But usually a long nap, a cookie or two, prayerful mediation, a walk with Rich & Fred and yoga and it passes within a day. Everyone gets sad. It's how we manage that sadness or pain in our bodies and our minds. I didn't have the tools before. Now I do. PLEASE make sure you encourage those who are struggling to trust there is a way to deal with those thoughts. To become free and conscious is what we are created for. We've been conditioned to think that our sadness is our lot in life. No, it's a gift. A gift to teach us how to become free and live in the eternal NOW.  to you all.

***This was Kevin's Reply: That's is a good story mom and I'm always here to smack you up side the head and say what the fuck lol. It's funny when I look back at that day when you call me cuz I was walking around out side of the gun range getting ready to shoot, yelling at you, and people looking at me haha. I'm proud of you and how far you have come since then. And even after my own attempt on my life, you stood strong. Terrified but strong lol And helped me though it. And those dark 8 months for me where a learnig experience for me. So thanks again mom. Love you

**My response to Kevin: Aw, Kev, now I'm crying! I love you so much. WE've been through a lot together. You continue to teach me how to become conscious EVERY DAY. You've been God's gift to me to help me grow. (My Kevin from Heaven.) I know, I'm being all mushy mom now!! LOL Pain is real. We all have it. Loss stretches us. But NOW we know how to deal with those thoughts and transform them into something good. We know how to live in the present moment. I'm SO proud of you too, son!!! xoxoxoxoxooxox   

More responses by me after friends and family comment. It was a very long thread: 

**Lisa, yes feel free to share it.  You are so dear. Thank you! I've been blessed to be apart of this family. I love you too. I appreciate your prayers. Uncle Rich, was sent by God to teach me unconditional love. Sure he had a lot to learn how women think haha but all guy do . Beth, yes yes yes, it's important to talk openly about depression openly. I personally don't like the word mental illness (that has negative stigma). To me, it's a mechanical brain issue that has not yet laid down new neuropathways of stable thought. We are so busy in our minds that there is no room for quiet or stillness. We fill this mind up like a computer and it overheats. We need to (in a manor of speaking) delete files that no longer serve us and get out of our heads. If we are past dominate we will struggle with hurt and anger. If we are future dominate we will struggle with living with fear and anxiety. (I was a past dominate thinker.) Learning to live in the moment (like children or animals so naturally teach us) is where our minds are suppose to dwell. But we take on more than we should, holding on to too many thoughts which then engages our emotions and it's a vicious cycle. Taking captive every thought is a biblical principle, but a life principle (we just don't teach this in our schools, churches, or daily lives). We are so attached to our thoughts that we don't want to give them up. We are identified with them. That is where the trouble starts. We all want to be free, but we don't want to do the mindful meditation work. We are the observer of our minds. We can ONLY heal in the present moment. When we witness our thoughts and choose which stay and which go that is when the healing takes place. Blessings to you on your healing path. 

**I understand. Religion can be hurtful and cause great confusion. I shared that quote about 'taking captive every thought' because it speaks to many who know it but don't apply it. It's an invitation. I don't need to spiritualize anything to make sense of my mind anymore. In the present moment, I see good in you and in others. If you will forgive me for saying too, "I see the image of God in you too!" But that's me.  I see beauty and wonder, creativity, and kindness in you. I truly get why people don't want or need religion. Peace came for me not by prayer (although I'm sure many were praying) but for me, it came through the practice of breath work, meditation, and mindful living (which is a philosophy-a tool and not religious). We all get to choose what speaks to our innate wisdom. Yoga means union. For me, I was overly spiritual and very disconnect with my mind and body. Now, I have some balance between mind, body, and spirit.. I'm glad you've found yours. From my heart, I mean that! 

**Agreed, Robyn. Self-medication is when I knew I was in trouble. My body doesn't like meds. I process them too fast or slow (idk) but it's always takes more than normal. Meds mess with the conscious mind and the depleted body. I'm not a fan of meds because they are so easily given out instead of tools that are much more therapeutic and life changing (such as breath work, meditation, movement). Our Western way of dealing with mental illness (another word I'm not a fan of because I don't see it as an illness) is so mechanical. The East uses a more holistic way of treating all medical issues of the mind/body/spirit.

**Joel, just simply start with following the breath. Most of us are not even aware of our breath (and are shallow breathers because of our pain). I did a few kinds of breathing (which is meditation) when I first started: 
1) Counting my breath 1-10. Staying with the breath. Not as easy but fun to try and it keeps the mind busy while calming the nervous system. 
2) Ocean Breath. I did this at night when I needed to sleep. Listen to the in breath and the out breath. It sounds like the water coming to the shore. Very calming. I used to take hours to get to sleep. Once I learned how to breathe, I am asleep now within 1-2 mins. 
3) Follow your thoughts without judgement: Notice them. Be curious. "Oh there is an angry thought. There is an organized thought. 
4) Past/Present/Now. Notice how often you are in your head. Again, just notice without judgement or getting hooked into the story. "Thats a sad thought about the past. That is a worry thought about what may or may not happen next week. OH cool, look at the dragonfly hovering above the water. That is a present moment thought. We want to add up MORE present moment thoughts....and train our mind to stay there. That is where the magic happens. .

**I don't disagree that metal illness isn't a stigma. It's the word I have a problem with because I see it (In Kim language as a hiccup in the brain). WE in our society tend to 'identify' with things/roles. It can keep us trapped. Who would be without the 'story' of mental illness? That's NOT who we are. It's what doctors in the West have labeled. Again, for me, personally, I feel the word is over used and keeps people stuck with identification instead of real solutions (besides drugs). There is no shame in the word. My issue is that I refuse to believe that it's like a heart condition that I can't do anything about. WE can!!! Many of us don't because we don't see ourselves outside of the shame of an medical identification. I'm not a doctor. This is just 'Kim'. When they told me that I'd have to deal with managing my depression the rest of my life, my 'intuition' said, "No I won't. Not for the rest of my life. There has to be another way." At the time, I didn't know what the other way was, that was all my innate wisdom was telling me don't believe it. I would not become a label of a depressed person. I'm NOT a depressed person. I had a season where I had no tools to manage depression, sadness, grief. Had I not gotten those tools, I would have remained depressed. Labels (of any kind) keep us from seeing ourselves for who we really are....amazing, wonderful, full of potential souls. If one wants to cling to the word, I'd ask them to question, 'Is it true?" 
Michael,sending you a big hug my B.G. brother. 

The Conflict Is Me

One day, maybe, my great grandchildren will look back in history and wonder where we stood on things? Will we be on the right side of history or the wrong? Through the ages, people have been convinced that they are doing the right thing for themselves, their families, and their country. 

I’ll tell you honestly that I’ve had tons of conflict in my life. Since the earliest days of my life I can remember scrapping with my younger brother Rich, then silent wars with my parents, then petty jealousies or misunderstandings with my girlfriends. Later I grew to have intense conflict with others who disagreed with my religious beliefs; they were wrong and I was right. Of course, I often used the God Trump-Card. To make life salty, add in two marriages with a few exes and some disgruntled kids. And that isn’t even the half of it. I haven’t mentioned political differences, the in-laws or relatives, or co-worker or bosses I’ve had disagreements with over the years. I’ve had more conflict than I would ever imagine one life could or should have. 

 There is one person who is the common denominator? Satan? No. Not really! But he is easy to blame, when I don't want to look inward.  It’s ME. Me and my conditioned mind that participates in all conflict. I’m the one who was the center of all scuffles. In many of these disagreements I was convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was right and ‘they’ were wrong. I justify my reason to have the conflict. Often, I thought, the people I was in battle with were stubborn, selfish, impossible, and mean. That always gave me even more reason to be in conflict. 

I was in denial that somehow, I probably contributed to the conflict.  I failed to admit that my ego was kinda getting off on being right at times. I failed to admit that I was scared shitless that my vulnerabilities would be exposed, so I wouldn’t give in or apologize. I failed to admit that I wanted to be heard. I failed to admit that I am famously known for having a pitch in my voice and looks that could kill. Body language is 90% Tone 8% helpful words used 2%. 

Yesterday I felt like the world had officially gone mad. A plane was shot out of the air at 30,000 feet with 295 people on board going to vacation. Many of them were aid-workers. Their twisted bodies were scattered in a field for all to see on Huffington Post. Within the same day, Israel initiated a ground invasion against the Palestinians in Gaza to find tunnels. Women and children and the elderly were huddled in homes listening to sirens and bombs shaking the earth and demolishing apartment buildings around them. The horror of just one day of imagining what that could have been like for any one of those innocent victims was too much for me.  

WHY? Why have we not evolved more as inhabitants of this planet? Why can’t we solve our conflicts in ways that are civil and fair-minded? Why does my hate and your hate still rule the day? Why are people still oppressed or marginalized? Why are children killed and nobody mourns because they are Muslim or just collateral damage? A few weeks ago, 70 people were shot in one weekend in Chicago. The media announces bad news and nobody blinks an eye. And let’s be honest, it’s because they are black and poor. It’s not in my neighborhood; out of sight out of mind. Not my conflict!

It’s always amazed me that when a white Hollywood actor dies of an overdose, it’s on the news for days and days.  We grieve and mourn how their career and life have been cut short. There life seems more valued and honored than others. How can we turn our back on children at our borders? Why are people blocking the boarders and screaming at tired wayfaring women and children to go back to their drug-lord infested land that they just walked thousands of miles to escape from? We can’t even find the energy to walk to Starbucks! How is it that we put patriotism or religion over human rights? If that isn’t the most twisted thing ever, I don’t know what is?! God must cry at all our ego-centered conflicts, agendas, and defensiveness. For it all ends poorly. 

Many spiritual texts tell us how to live well and be at peace. We just don’t follow it when we’re triggered. We cry, ‘But it’s their fault! 'They' made me do it! I'll never speak to them again, ever!! I'm going to block them! We're done!!" Where is understanding? Where is forgiveness? Where is love? God made it pretty simple how to get through life: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and mind, and love your neighbor as yourself. (This was the optional scripture, right?) 

There have been consequences for demanding to be heard and demanding to be right. Every conflict that exists adds to the collective negative energy on this planet. When Rich and I get into a fight, Fred starts barking (even before our voices are raised). The energy in the room has shifted and he knows it. Sometimes the poor dog has had to bear our ugly moments. Sometimes we have to tell him, “It’s okay, Fred, mommy and daddy are fine, we’re just trying to figure something out right now.” Then we have to make sure that he is physically comforted and assured that the pack is back together. Children are traumatized by the negative anger and hate in their homes and countries too. 

I’m ashamed at all my ego-centered conflict, both large and small over the years. In some weird, quantum physics, interconnected way, I feel my conflict has contributed to wars and planes being shot out of the air. If I had I been more of the peacemaker that I claim to be, if I would truly own my shit, what would happen? What if we all did?