Robin Williams and Me

I was going to write another blog this month, but decided that I'd rather share a Life is Life moment that happen on FB.

I posted this on my FB page on August 12th, the day after we all learned that Robin Williams committed Suicide. 

FB Post: I just shared this long post with my dear friends in my interfaith group this morning. I dreamt about Robin all night long and my connection to his person pain. This is a bit raw for some, so please forgive my authentic self and my heart on the subject. 

I've been reading how could Robin not got get help or not know he was loved? Here is my response.

Robin DID get help. The problem was maybe he got the wrong kind of help? The science of the mind is still relatively young. As someone who grew up with severe abuse, rejection, PTSD, my mind was set up to struggle. Some are born with inner brain chemistry imbalances some imbalances are created by trauma. I don't know which exactly was for me?? I suffered with suicidal ideation for years and told NO one. In 2008, I was in full-on clinical depression. It caught up to me. I couldn't repress and be happy for myself and everyone around me anymore. My body was saying, rest, heal, look at what's going on in your thoughts. Medication made it worse. But what the heck did that mean to look at my thoughts? My thoughts were crazy? In my mind, I was seriously F*&% up. In November of 2008, I swallowed more pills then the human body is suppose to take. I wanted to put my mind out of it's misery. Here is what I wish everyone would know: 1) Nobody wants to commit suicide. You're just exhausted and tired of what is happening in your mind. 2) There is hope out of clinical depression and suicidal ideation. After my attempt, I called Kevin the next day. He was furious with me. Instead of compassion he was angry and scared. "What the fuck is wrong with you?! You have got to stop caring what other people think of you, Mom. How do you think I feel to have a mother whose suicidal? You have got to get a grip. You've got to start meditating or something!" It was that harsh talk that woke me up; and saved me! Probably nobody could have woke me up but Kevin. So within a month, I committed to learning how to live a mindful life, living in the present moment. Through daily (and I mean many many times during the day of practice), I mediated and learned how to organize my thoughts. I watched my thoughts and questioned each one. Within 3 months, I was free. I was FREE from all the suffering I had created in my mind. I was FREE from all the thoughts I believed my whole life. I believe that Robin knew he was loved. I knew I was loved. My husband, Rich, stood by me (helplessly) holding onto the rope while I pulled myself up out of the quicksand. It's not about how much we know we are loved. It's about those F#$%^ thoughts!!! Because of how I was set free through mediation, released with blessing from my counselor, and all medication, I have a passion for what I do now. Robin's death hits me hard. I hate to see another life lost (whether they are famous, a suffering PTSD vet, or the neighbor next door). Jon Kabat-Zinn is a doctor who wrote the book Full Catastrophe Living. He talks about the science of the brain/ mind in relationship to the nervous system and mediation. Eckart Tolle talks about how to live in the present moment in The Power of Now!. These two books helped save my life too. I had to learn to let go to all attachments of my thought stories and emotions. It took a while but I got really good at it. I know Robin's at peace now. He was probably blessed and cursed with a mind that went 1000mph. It was probably very difficult to be inside his head. I believe in cognitive therapy; but that is only about 40% effective. The body also has to move the trauma out of the body (animals do this). That's why yoga is a movement that will stimulate our vagal nerve giving us better vagal-tone that helps us with our resilience. Our bodies and minds are complex. Drugs are fine in some situations. In most, it's detrimental. It almost was for me. I share all this because if you know anyone who is suffering, please feel free to send them my way. I'd be happy to talk to them and offer what I did. I don't have the cure for depression or suicidal ideation. I just was one person who found an alternative route to healing. Love to you all and love to Robin. 

Many of my friends wrote extremely loving comments to me being brave about opening up and sharing my personal struggle. Here are my following replies: 

**I'm deeply touched by your love, friends. Honestly, this was the best thing that ever happen to me. I can't imagine going back to pre-suicidel Kim. Pain can be transformational when the soul is engaged. Even though I was tried and depleted, I'm kind of a fighter.  The depression has never returned since 2009 when I started living a mindful life in the present. Sure, I get sad. But usually a long nap, a cookie or two, prayerful mediation, a walk with Rich & Fred and yoga and it passes within a day. Everyone gets sad. It's how we manage that sadness or pain in our bodies and our minds. I didn't have the tools before. Now I do. PLEASE make sure you encourage those who are struggling to trust there is a way to deal with those thoughts. To become free and conscious is what we are created for. We've been conditioned to think that our sadness is our lot in life. No, it's a gift. A gift to teach us how to become free and live in the eternal NOW.  to you all.

***This was Kevin's Reply: That's is a good story mom and I'm always here to smack you up side the head and say what the fuck lol. It's funny when I look back at that day when you call me cuz I was walking around out side of the gun range getting ready to shoot, yelling at you, and people looking at me haha. I'm proud of you and how far you have come since then. And even after my own attempt on my life, you stood strong. Terrified but strong lol And helped me though it. And those dark 8 months for me where a learnig experience for me. So thanks again mom. Love you

**My response to Kevin: Aw, Kev, now I'm crying! I love you so much. WE've been through a lot together. You continue to teach me how to become conscious EVERY DAY. You've been God's gift to me to help me grow. (My Kevin from Heaven.) I know, I'm being all mushy mom now!! LOL Pain is real. We all have it. Loss stretches us. But NOW we know how to deal with those thoughts and transform them into something good. We know how to live in the present moment. I'm SO proud of you too, son!!! xoxoxoxoxooxox   

More responses by me after friends and family comment. It was a very long thread: 

**Lisa, yes feel free to share it.  You are so dear. Thank you! I've been blessed to be apart of this family. I love you too. I appreciate your prayers. Uncle Rich, was sent by God to teach me unconditional love. Sure he had a lot to learn how women think haha but all guy do . Beth, yes yes yes, it's important to talk openly about depression openly. I personally don't like the word mental illness (that has negative stigma). To me, it's a mechanical brain issue that has not yet laid down new neuropathways of stable thought. We are so busy in our minds that there is no room for quiet or stillness. We fill this mind up like a computer and it overheats. We need to (in a manor of speaking) delete files that no longer serve us and get out of our heads. If we are past dominate we will struggle with hurt and anger. If we are future dominate we will struggle with living with fear and anxiety. (I was a past dominate thinker.) Learning to live in the moment (like children or animals so naturally teach us) is where our minds are suppose to dwell. But we take on more than we should, holding on to too many thoughts which then engages our emotions and it's a vicious cycle. Taking captive every thought is a biblical principle, but a life principle (we just don't teach this in our schools, churches, or daily lives). We are so attached to our thoughts that we don't want to give them up. We are identified with them. That is where the trouble starts. We all want to be free, but we don't want to do the mindful meditation work. We are the observer of our minds. We can ONLY heal in the present moment. When we witness our thoughts and choose which stay and which go that is when the healing takes place. Blessings to you on your healing path. 

**I understand. Religion can be hurtful and cause great confusion. I shared that quote about 'taking captive every thought' because it speaks to many who know it but don't apply it. It's an invitation. I don't need to spiritualize anything to make sense of my mind anymore. In the present moment, I see good in you and in others. If you will forgive me for saying too, "I see the image of God in you too!" But that's me.  I see beauty and wonder, creativity, and kindness in you. I truly get why people don't want or need religion. Peace came for me not by prayer (although I'm sure many were praying) but for me, it came through the practice of breath work, meditation, and mindful living (which is a philosophy-a tool and not religious). We all get to choose what speaks to our innate wisdom. Yoga means union. For me, I was overly spiritual and very disconnect with my mind and body. Now, I have some balance between mind, body, and spirit.. I'm glad you've found yours. From my heart, I mean that! 

**Agreed, Robyn. Self-medication is when I knew I was in trouble. My body doesn't like meds. I process them too fast or slow (idk) but it's always takes more than normal. Meds mess with the conscious mind and the depleted body. I'm not a fan of meds because they are so easily given out instead of tools that are much more therapeutic and life changing (such as breath work, meditation, movement). Our Western way of dealing with mental illness (another word I'm not a fan of because I don't see it as an illness) is so mechanical. The East uses a more holistic way of treating all medical issues of the mind/body/spirit.

**Joel, just simply start with following the breath. Most of us are not even aware of our breath (and are shallow breathers because of our pain). I did a few kinds of breathing (which is meditation) when I first started: 
1) Counting my breath 1-10. Staying with the breath. Not as easy but fun to try and it keeps the mind busy while calming the nervous system. 
2) Ocean Breath. I did this at night when I needed to sleep. Listen to the in breath and the out breath. It sounds like the water coming to the shore. Very calming. I used to take hours to get to sleep. Once I learned how to breathe, I am asleep now within 1-2 mins. 
3) Follow your thoughts without judgement: Notice them. Be curious. "Oh there is an angry thought. There is an organized thought. 
4) Past/Present/Now. Notice how often you are in your head. Again, just notice without judgement or getting hooked into the story. "Thats a sad thought about the past. That is a worry thought about what may or may not happen next week. OH cool, look at the dragonfly hovering above the water. That is a present moment thought. We want to add up MORE present moment thoughts....and train our mind to stay there. That is where the magic happens. .

**I don't disagree that metal illness isn't a stigma. It's the word I have a problem with because I see it (In Kim language as a hiccup in the brain). WE in our society tend to 'identify' with things/roles. It can keep us trapped. Who would be without the 'story' of mental illness? That's NOT who we are. It's what doctors in the West have labeled. Again, for me, personally, I feel the word is over used and keeps people stuck with identification instead of real solutions (besides drugs). There is no shame in the word. My issue is that I refuse to believe that it's like a heart condition that I can't do anything about. WE can!!! Many of us don't because we don't see ourselves outside of the shame of an medical identification. I'm not a doctor. This is just 'Kim'. When they told me that I'd have to deal with managing my depression the rest of my life, my 'intuition' said, "No I won't. Not for the rest of my life. There has to be another way." At the time, I didn't know what the other way was, that was all my innate wisdom was telling me don't believe it. I would not become a label of a depressed person. I'm NOT a depressed person. I had a season where I had no tools to manage depression, sadness, grief. Had I not gotten those tools, I would have remained depressed. Labels (of any kind) keep us from seeing ourselves for who we really are....amazing, wonderful, full of potential souls. If one wants to cling to the word, I'd ask them to question, 'Is it true?" 
Michael,sending you a big hug my B.G. brother. 

The Conflict Is Me

One day, maybe, my great grandchildren will look back in history and wonder where we stood on things? Will we be on the right side of history or the wrong? Through the ages, people have been convinced that they are doing the right thing for themselves, their families, and their country. 

I’ll tell you honestly that I’ve had tons of conflict in my life. Since the earliest days of my life I can remember scrapping with my younger brother Rich, then silent wars with my parents, then petty jealousies or misunderstandings with my girlfriends. Later I grew to have intense conflict with others who disagreed with my religious beliefs; they were wrong and I was right. Of course, I often used the God Trump-Card. To make life salty, add in two marriages with a few exes and some disgruntled kids. And that isn’t even the half of it. I haven’t mentioned political differences, the in-laws or relatives, or co-worker or bosses I’ve had disagreements with over the years. I’ve had more conflict than I would ever imagine one life could or should have. 

 There is one person who is the common denominator? Satan? No. Not really! But he is easy to blame, when I don't want to look inward.  It’s ME. Me and my conditioned mind that participates in all conflict. I’m the one who was the center of all scuffles. In many of these disagreements I was convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was right and ‘they’ were wrong. I justify my reason to have the conflict. Often, I thought, the people I was in battle with were stubborn, selfish, impossible, and mean. That always gave me even more reason to be in conflict. 

I was in denial that somehow, I probably contributed to the conflict.  I failed to admit that my ego was kinda getting off on being right at times. I failed to admit that I was scared shitless that my vulnerabilities would be exposed, so I wouldn’t give in or apologize. I failed to admit that I wanted to be heard. I failed to admit that I am famously known for having a pitch in my voice and looks that could kill. Body language is 90% Tone 8% helpful words used 2%. 

Yesterday I felt like the world had officially gone mad. A plane was shot out of the air at 30,000 feet with 295 people on board going to vacation. Many of them were aid-workers. Their twisted bodies were scattered in a field for all to see on Huffington Post. Within the same day, Israel initiated a ground invasion against the Palestinians in Gaza to find tunnels. Women and children and the elderly were huddled in homes listening to sirens and bombs shaking the earth and demolishing apartment buildings around them. The horror of just one day of imagining what that could have been like for any one of those innocent victims was too much for me.  

WHY? Why have we not evolved more as inhabitants of this planet? Why can’t we solve our conflicts in ways that are civil and fair-minded? Why does my hate and your hate still rule the day? Why are people still oppressed or marginalized? Why are children killed and nobody mourns because they are Muslim or just collateral damage? A few weeks ago, 70 people were shot in one weekend in Chicago. The media announces bad news and nobody blinks an eye. And let’s be honest, it’s because they are black and poor. It’s not in my neighborhood; out of sight out of mind. Not my conflict!

It’s always amazed me that when a white Hollywood actor dies of an overdose, it’s on the news for days and days.  We grieve and mourn how their career and life have been cut short. There life seems more valued and honored than others. How can we turn our back on children at our borders? Why are people blocking the boarders and screaming at tired wayfaring women and children to go back to their drug-lord infested land that they just walked thousands of miles to escape from? We can’t even find the energy to walk to Starbucks! How is it that we put patriotism or religion over human rights? If that isn’t the most twisted thing ever, I don’t know what is?! God must cry at all our ego-centered conflicts, agendas, and defensiveness. For it all ends poorly. 

Many spiritual texts tell us how to live well and be at peace. We just don’t follow it when we’re triggered. We cry, ‘But it’s their fault! 'They' made me do it! I'll never speak to them again, ever!! I'm going to block them! We're done!!" Where is understanding? Where is forgiveness? Where is love? God made it pretty simple how to get through life: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and mind, and love your neighbor as yourself. (This was the optional scripture, right?) 

There have been consequences for demanding to be heard and demanding to be right. Every conflict that exists adds to the collective negative energy on this planet. When Rich and I get into a fight, Fred starts barking (even before our voices are raised). The energy in the room has shifted and he knows it. Sometimes the poor dog has had to bear our ugly moments. Sometimes we have to tell him, “It’s okay, Fred, mommy and daddy are fine, we’re just trying to figure something out right now.” Then we have to make sure that he is physically comforted and assured that the pack is back together. Children are traumatized by the negative anger and hate in their homes and countries too. 

I’m ashamed at all my ego-centered conflict, both large and small over the years. In some weird, quantum physics, interconnected way, I feel my conflict has contributed to wars and planes being shot out of the air. If I had I been more of the peacemaker that I claim to be, if I would truly own my shit, what would happen? What if we all did? 

What I Know For Sure

I know very little for sure. The older I get the more I could be wrong. But there are a few things that I know for sure.......

I know for sure there is nothing scarier than the inside of Kim’s mind when she’s preoccupied with busyness, time constraints, and over emotional thoughts. There is a reason that God tells us to ‘BE STILL and KNOW.’

When I’m in that state, I’m a cross between a two year old who needs a nap and a bitchy woman who needs chocolate: ASAP. Everyone cuts a wide path around me if I’ve allowed myself to become overwhelmed with time pressures or too much thinking and doing. That's when I check my calendar for the next chance to be alone (by a lake, on my hammock, or a day of nothing in particular at home). 

I’ve come to enjoy aloneness. However, I don’t like how loneliness feels; that is different than aloneness. Loneliness feels like rejection or abandonment. Spending time by myself is self-care. Creating space to quite the pace in my inner and outer would is necessary for my well-being. 

Most people are surprised when I tell them I’m an introvert at heart.  I don’t get refreshed or restored being around people. If my calendar is full, I secretly freak out; I have to manage it to feel sane and whole. I’ve learned to be an extrovert to survive. I’m uncomfortable with silence between two people (unless it's Rich and I hanging out). So I’ll do all the talking so it’s never awkward for me. I’ll be the friendly one if the other person is less than responsive. When I’m by myself, I don’t have to be 'on' or seek approval or keep the conversation going. When I get still, I have no need to fill my life with constant ‘doing’, or my senses with random drone sounds (TV or radio). It’s taken too many years to learn how to turn off the thought-noise in my head by turning down the volume of my life. These choices have paid off a hundred fold. When I get still, I know all is well within my soul (regardless of what is happening in life).

I know for sure that the body wants to heal—so does the mind.

I’m living proof of that. Some weeks, it feels like I’ve aged 10-years in a day because of surgeries or physical setbacks. When something happens, my standard recovery time is 3 months. It will be 6 months or more if I’ve spiraled emotionally by being a victim in my mind because my body is rebelling. (What you resist persists). 

 Actually, my body is very gracious. All the issues in my tissues or symptoms that bubble to the surface are truly ‘feedback’. The older I get the more I understand those signals or prompts. I am curious about symptoms now. Why did my back go out? Was it really because I lifted a new mattress topper the wrong way? Hardly. What was the emotional somatic reason? What was my body ‘taking on’ that my mind wasn’t ready to accept? There were probably things I was doing before that moment that set me up for injury. Also, why was my body taking so long to heal? Why was nothing working: chiropracty, massages, rest, drugs, etc.) What was happening in my life (what emotional stressor) was I dealing with that was slowing the healing process down? What was I unaware of or ignoring? 

For example, when I threw my back out, my son was living at home. He was going through an extremely difficult time. As his mom, it crushed me to see him so down trodden. I was emotionally, and vicariously carrying his burden (plus my own worry, fear). Two days after he moved out, my friend asked how my back was. I was surprised to realize that the pain was gone. Like….gone!!! The body wants to heal but we also have to consider our internal mind-stress that will slow it down. 

 I know for sure that the mind is fragile and war is barbaric. 

23 American Veterans commit suicide a day. PTSD is not just in their head. It’s also in their bodies. The body was never meant to be in a constant state of ‘fight or flight’ for an extended period of time. Our first priority as a nation should be to heal our wounded warriors (and their families who have to deal with secondary PTSD). It is the very least we can do to show our appreciation for our freedoms. We have got to step up as a society and help veterans heal from the wars to which we send them to be traumatized. We need to be compassionate and proactive for those who are suffering with things inside the mind that we can't see nor understand. We need to stop labeling so people won't be ashamed to get help. It's not mental illness, it's brain and body miscommunication. 

I know for sure that humility heals. When we get our egos out of the way, magic happens. I know that at times it’s personally difficult to be humble before those whom have hurt, offended, misunderstood, abandoned, or even betrayed us. Trust me, I know! However, humility is the only solution to mending any kind of situation. If you’d rather ‘be right than be in relationship’, your ego is in control. Period!!! Nothing will resolve until someone says, “Lets make this better.” The Dalai Lama says, 'Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.' Jesus said in Luke 6:29 ‘Turn the other cheek’. I think most people (including Christians) give lip service to what Jesus asks of us (‘great idea’), and then with distancing actions they tell the person who offends them to “kiss my ass!”

What I know for sure is, whatever you are feeling, your body is absorbing. And it won’t go away until we stop blaming and bring a different kind of energy to heal or resolve the conflict or stressor. You can't ignore it, eat it, drink it, work it, or exercise your way out of it. Your mind and body and spirit won’t forget. It will affect your health. In the short-term, it’s better to ‘deal’ with it sooner rather than later.

I know for sure that Interfaith bridge-building is possible. 

If you come with an open mind to sincerely learn about other people without any agendas to convert or be ‘right’, the best of friendships can form. You can keep your own faith and still learn new religious and cultural experiences of others and celebrate them. When bridges are built, honest conversations about urgent matters find quick solutions. And if there are no immediate answers, there are respectful intentions made to find a resolution for all involved, not just one side. Never in the history of our time is Interfaith dialogue more important. We are not just a Judeo-Christian country anymore. We’ve evolved. We are a melting pot. We are multi-cultural and multi-religious. The older generation is holding on to the 1950’s paradigm. I am hopeful that the younger generation will have more than tolerance in our society for our differences. I am hoping they will have broadmindedness and show us how to honor one another and live in peace. 

I know for sure that living in the present moment will change your life.  Most people live in their heads and believe their thoughts. Thinking has been conditioned into us or modeled to us (by our parents and peers and society and school). We are either a past dominant or future dominant thinker. If you’re a past dominate thinker, the emotions you live with are typically anger or hurt. If you are a future dominate thinker, you’ll feel anxiety or worry. I was a past dominate thinker. Living in the past or future we are missing out on the present dominant experience of wonder, peace, joy, and love. 

When we are young we naturally live in the present. We played and laughed freely. We created. We explored. We tore down and built up. We gazed at snowflakes or raindrops rolling down the window for hours. We tried to find the end of the rainbow on our bikes. We hit our dreams out of the park. We intuitively knew when something wasn't right and shied away. We were curious watchers and listeners. All our senses are active when we are young. As soon as enough life happens, we begin to collect files of failure and fear; a sophisticated survival mechanism that we think will protect us from future harm (unconscious future thinking). Then in our mind, we begin to become prisoners of our thoughts. We are so unconscious but don’t even know it.

On some level we know something is off within us as adults. We can’t quite get our shit together or keep regurgitating the same old story or bad behaviors in all of our relationships in one form or another. We are clueless how to free ourselves from ourselves, from our tenuous thought-life.

The Apostle Paul encouraged us to ‘take captive every thought.’ Not just some thoughts, but every thought. Jesus said, “Unless you change and become like a little child again, you will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven.” He also said, “The Kingdom of God is at hand now.” 

That is good news indeed. We don’t have to wait for heaven to experience the wonder of God or heaven on earth. There is a world here in the present for us to continue to discover throughout our lives. We were not meant to live in our minds. Watching and questioning our thoughts and becoming like a little child is the formula for getting out of past or future dominant thinking and living in the present moment.

I know for sure that my grandchildren, my stepchildren, and my son, my husband and my family and friends will teach me how to become a conscious loving person. 

They will mirror to me all that is wrong and all that is right within myself (even the world). That will scare the hell out of me to let go of my ego (my need to control or be right). Being in close relationship with others will call me to new heights of personal growth and transformation. Bring it on!!! I know for sure that I need to live in the present moment to have a genuine, healthy relationship with everyone in my life. I know for sure that this isn’t always easy, but it’s worth it.  

I know for sure next year that I will look much different than this year.  ;-)