The Conflict Is Me

One day, maybe, my great grandchildren will look back in history and wonder where we stood on things? Will we be on the right side of history or the wrong? Through the ages, people have been convinced that they are doing the right thing for themselves, their families, and their country. 

I’ll tell you honestly that I’ve had tons of conflict in my life. Since the earliest days of my life I can remember scrapping with my younger brother Rich, then silent wars with my parents, then petty jealousies or misunderstandings with my girlfriends. Later I grew to have intense conflict with others who disagreed with my religious beliefs; they were wrong and I was right. Of course, I often used the God Trump-Card. To make life salty, add in two marriages with a few exes and some disgruntled kids. And that isn’t even the half of it. I haven’t mentioned political differences, the in-laws or relatives, or co-worker or bosses I’ve had disagreements with over the years. I’ve had more conflict than I would ever imagine one life could or should have. 

 There is one person who is the common denominator? Satan? No. Not really! But he is easy to blame, when I don't want to look inward.  It’s ME. Me and my conditioned mind that participates in all conflict. I’m the one who was the center of all scuffles. In many of these disagreements I was convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was right and ‘they’ were wrong. I justify my reason to have the conflict. Often, I thought, the people I was in battle with were stubborn, selfish, impossible, and mean. That always gave me even more reason to be in conflict. 

I was in denial that somehow, I probably contributed to the conflict.  I failed to admit that my ego was kinda getting off on being right at times. I failed to admit that I was scared shitless that my vulnerabilities would be exposed, so I wouldn’t give in or apologize. I failed to admit that I wanted to be heard. I failed to admit that I am famously known for having a pitch in my voice and looks that could kill. Body language is 90% Tone 8% helpful words used 2%. 

Yesterday I felt like the world had officially gone mad. A plane was shot out of the air at 30,000 feet with 295 people on board going to vacation. Many of them were aid-workers. Their twisted bodies were scattered in a field for all to see on Huffington Post. Within the same day, Israel initiated a ground invasion against the Palestinians in Gaza to find tunnels. Women and children and the elderly were huddled in homes listening to sirens and bombs shaking the earth and demolishing apartment buildings around them. The horror of just one day of imagining what that could have been like for any one of those innocent victims was too much for me.  

WHY? Why have we not evolved more as inhabitants of this planet? Why can’t we solve our conflicts in ways that are civil and fair-minded? Why does my hate and your hate still rule the day? Why are people still oppressed or marginalized? Why are children killed and nobody mourns because they are Muslim or just collateral damage? A few weeks ago, 70 people were shot in one weekend in Chicago. The media announces bad news and nobody blinks an eye. And let’s be honest, it’s because they are black and poor. It’s not in my neighborhood; out of sight out of mind. Not my conflict!

It’s always amazed me that when a white Hollywood actor dies of an overdose, it’s on the news for days and days.  We grieve and mourn how their career and life have been cut short. There life seems more valued and honored than others. How can we turn our back on children at our borders? Why are people blocking the boarders and screaming at tired wayfaring women and children to go back to their drug-lord infested land that they just walked thousands of miles to escape from? We can’t even find the energy to walk to Starbucks! How is it that we put patriotism or religion over human rights? If that isn’t the most twisted thing ever, I don’t know what is?! God must cry at all our ego-centered conflicts, agendas, and defensiveness. For it all ends poorly. 

Many spiritual texts tell us how to live well and be at peace. We just don’t follow it when we’re triggered. We cry, ‘But it’s their fault! 'They' made me do it! I'll never speak to them again, ever!! I'm going to block them! We're done!!" Where is understanding? Where is forgiveness? Where is love? God made it pretty simple how to get through life: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and mind, and love your neighbor as yourself. (This was the optional scripture, right?) 

There have been consequences for demanding to be heard and demanding to be right. Every conflict that exists adds to the collective negative energy on this planet. When Rich and I get into a fight, Fred starts barking (even before our voices are raised). The energy in the room has shifted and he knows it. Sometimes the poor dog has had to bear our ugly moments. Sometimes we have to tell him, “It’s okay, Fred, mommy and daddy are fine, we’re just trying to figure something out right now.” Then we have to make sure that he is physically comforted and assured that the pack is back together. Children are traumatized by the negative anger and hate in their homes and countries too. 

I’m ashamed at all my ego-centered conflict, both large and small over the years. In some weird, quantum physics, interconnected way, I feel my conflict has contributed to wars and planes being shot out of the air. If I had I been more of the peacemaker that I claim to be, if I would truly own my shit, what would happen? What if we all did? 

What I Know For Sure

I know very little for sure. The older I get the more I could be wrong. But there are a few things that I know for sure.......

I know for sure there is nothing scarier than the inside of Kim’s mind when she’s preoccupied with busyness, time constraints, and over emotional thoughts. There is a reason that God tells us to ‘BE STILL and KNOW.’

When I’m in that state, I’m a cross between a two year old who needs a nap and a bitchy woman who needs chocolate: ASAP. Everyone cuts a wide path around me if I’ve allowed myself to become overwhelmed with time pressures or too much thinking and doing. That's when I check my calendar for the next chance to be alone (by a lake, on my hammock, or a day of nothing in particular at home). 

I’ve come to enjoy aloneness. However, I don’t like how loneliness feels; that is different than aloneness. Loneliness feels like rejection or abandonment. Spending time by myself is self-care. Creating space to quite the pace in my inner and outer would is necessary for my well-being. 

Most people are surprised when I tell them I’m an introvert at heart.  I don’t get refreshed or restored being around people. If my calendar is full, I secretly freak out; I have to manage it to feel sane and whole. I’ve learned to be an extrovert to survive. I’m uncomfortable with silence between two people (unless it's Rich and I hanging out). So I’ll do all the talking so it’s never awkward for me. I’ll be the friendly one if the other person is less than responsive. When I’m by myself, I don’t have to be 'on' or seek approval or keep the conversation going. When I get still, I have no need to fill my life with constant ‘doing’, or my senses with random drone sounds (TV or radio). It’s taken too many years to learn how to turn off the thought-noise in my head by turning down the volume of my life. These choices have paid off a hundred fold. When I get still, I know all is well within my soul (regardless of what is happening in life).

I know for sure that the body wants to heal—so does the mind.

I’m living proof of that. Some weeks, it feels like I’ve aged 10-years in a day because of surgeries or physical setbacks. When something happens, my standard recovery time is 3 months. It will be 6 months or more if I’ve spiraled emotionally by being a victim in my mind because my body is rebelling. (What you resist persists). 

 Actually, my body is very gracious. All the issues in my tissues or symptoms that bubble to the surface are truly ‘feedback’. The older I get the more I understand those signals or prompts. I am curious about symptoms now. Why did my back go out? Was it really because I lifted a new mattress topper the wrong way? Hardly. What was the emotional somatic reason? What was my body ‘taking on’ that my mind wasn’t ready to accept? There were probably things I was doing before that moment that set me up for injury. Also, why was my body taking so long to heal? Why was nothing working: chiropracty, massages, rest, drugs, etc.) What was happening in my life (what emotional stressor) was I dealing with that was slowing the healing process down? What was I unaware of or ignoring? 

For example, when I threw my back out, my son was living at home. He was going through an extremely difficult time. As his mom, it crushed me to see him so down trodden. I was emotionally, and vicariously carrying his burden (plus my own worry, fear). Two days after he moved out, my friend asked how my back was. I was surprised to realize that the pain was gone. Like….gone!!! The body wants to heal but we also have to consider our internal mind-stress that will slow it down. 

 I know for sure that the mind is fragile and war is barbaric. 

23 American Veterans commit suicide a day. PTSD is not just in their head. It’s also in their bodies. The body was never meant to be in a constant state of ‘fight or flight’ for an extended period of time. Our first priority as a nation should be to heal our wounded warriors (and their families who have to deal with secondary PTSD). It is the very least we can do to show our appreciation for our freedoms. We have got to step up as a society and help veterans heal from the wars to which we send them to be traumatized. We need to be compassionate and proactive for those who are suffering with things inside the mind that we can't see nor understand. We need to stop labeling so people won't be ashamed to get help. It's not mental illness, it's brain and body miscommunication. 

I know for sure that humility heals. When we get our egos out of the way, magic happens. I know that at times it’s personally difficult to be humble before those whom have hurt, offended, misunderstood, abandoned, or even betrayed us. Trust me, I know! However, humility is the only solution to mending any kind of situation. If you’d rather ‘be right than be in relationship’, your ego is in control. Period!!! Nothing will resolve until someone says, “Lets make this better.” The Dalai Lama says, 'Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.' Jesus said in Luke 6:29 ‘Turn the other cheek’. I think most people (including Christians) give lip service to what Jesus asks of us (‘great idea’), and then with distancing actions they tell the person who offends them to “kiss my ass!”

What I know for sure is, whatever you are feeling, your body is absorbing. And it won’t go away until we stop blaming and bring a different kind of energy to heal or resolve the conflict or stressor. You can't ignore it, eat it, drink it, work it, or exercise your way out of it. Your mind and body and spirit won’t forget. It will affect your health. In the short-term, it’s better to ‘deal’ with it sooner rather than later.

I know for sure that Interfaith bridge-building is possible. 

If you come with an open mind to sincerely learn about other people without any agendas to convert or be ‘right’, the best of friendships can form. You can keep your own faith and still learn new religious and cultural experiences of others and celebrate them. When bridges are built, honest conversations about urgent matters find quick solutions. And if there are no immediate answers, there are respectful intentions made to find a resolution for all involved, not just one side. Never in the history of our time is Interfaith dialogue more important. We are not just a Judeo-Christian country anymore. We’ve evolved. We are a melting pot. We are multi-cultural and multi-religious. The older generation is holding on to the 1950’s paradigm. I am hopeful that the younger generation will have more than tolerance in our society for our differences. I am hoping they will have broadmindedness and show us how to honor one another and live in peace. 

I know for sure that living in the present moment will change your life.  Most people live in their heads and believe their thoughts. Thinking has been conditioned into us or modeled to us (by our parents and peers and society and school). We are either a past dominant or future dominant thinker. If you’re a past dominate thinker, the emotions you live with are typically anger or hurt. If you are a future dominate thinker, you’ll feel anxiety or worry. I was a past dominate thinker. Living in the past or future we are missing out on the present dominant experience of wonder, peace, joy, and love. 

When we are young we naturally live in the present. We played and laughed freely. We created. We explored. We tore down and built up. We gazed at snowflakes or raindrops rolling down the window for hours. We tried to find the end of the rainbow on our bikes. We hit our dreams out of the park. We intuitively knew when something wasn't right and shied away. We were curious watchers and listeners. All our senses are active when we are young. As soon as enough life happens, we begin to collect files of failure and fear; a sophisticated survival mechanism that we think will protect us from future harm (unconscious future thinking). Then in our mind, we begin to become prisoners of our thoughts. We are so unconscious but don’t even know it.

On some level we know something is off within us as adults. We can’t quite get our shit together or keep regurgitating the same old story or bad behaviors in all of our relationships in one form or another. We are clueless how to free ourselves from ourselves, from our tenuous thought-life.

The Apostle Paul encouraged us to ‘take captive every thought.’ Not just some thoughts, but every thought. Jesus said, “Unless you change and become like a little child again, you will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven.” He also said, “The Kingdom of God is at hand now.” 

That is good news indeed. We don’t have to wait for heaven to experience the wonder of God or heaven on earth. There is a world here in the present for us to continue to discover throughout our lives. We were not meant to live in our minds. Watching and questioning our thoughts and becoming like a little child is the formula for getting out of past or future dominant thinking and living in the present moment.

I know for sure that my grandchildren, my stepchildren, and my son, my husband and my family and friends will teach me how to become a conscious loving person. 

They will mirror to me all that is wrong and all that is right within myself (even the world). That will scare the hell out of me to let go of my ego (my need to control or be right). Being in close relationship with others will call me to new heights of personal growth and transformation. Bring it on!!! I know for sure that I need to live in the present moment to have a genuine, healthy relationship with everyone in my life. I know for sure that this isn’t always easy, but it’s worth it.  

I know for sure next year that I will look much different than this year.  ;-)

Prayers for Roo

I've been checking my FB, what seems like, every five minutes waiting for the latest update from Erika on Roo. He is the first prayer in the morning and the last prayer at night. And all through the day, I'm praying. I know many of you are praying with me too. I can't even count how many people have asked or sent me private messages asking about Roo.  

I realized while I was praying for Roo, I was SO fearful and terribly anxious. I questioned what was that about? Of course, I'm fearful, knowing he's dealing with a double heart/lung transplant. I don't want him to die. I had fear for Erika she would lose her beloved husband. I had fear that those precious girls’ of theirs would grow up without their daddy. I was projecting all these imagined feelings of what they may be going through.  

 I had this moment where I was picturing Roo in ICU, receiving my prayers of love. And then it dawned on me that he was receiving my fear...not my love.

Our thoughts do have an energy to them. Ever walk into a room where nobody is speaking but you could cut the tension with a knife?

In this situation, while I was praying, fear was the more predominant vibrational 'energetic feeling'. I was not centered, grounded, or trusting God when I prayed. I was begging.

As I visualized Roo, I had this moment where I wondered if he was receiving my love (our collective love). I sensed him saying, "I don't need your fear, Kim. I need your peace."  Whoa!!! Maybe that sense was God? IDK? It was a sense. Maybe I had this moment of conscious awareness for the first time that how I’ve been praying has been inefficient? 

I don’t claim to know how God works in prayer; sometimes things I’ve prayed for have not been answered; sometimes they have been. What I can tell you is I’ve been very ‘attached’ to what I believed ‘should’ be the outcome. And when I prayed like that there was anxiety in those prayers.

Jill Bolte-Taylor talks at length in her book, 'Stroke of Insight', about her massive stroke. When it first happened, she couldn’t understand language or speak. However, she could feel the energy of others in her hospital room. She knew who walked in that had calm, healing energy (her mother was one of those people). She knew who walked in the room that had an agenda and didn’t make a connection to her (a tech or nurse or doctor or a frantic relative). It was intuitive, subtle body energies of others she picked up without language. My favorite line in the book is, 'Be responsible for the energy you bring into the room.' 

Jesus wasn’t anxious when he prayed or healed. He also didn’t have attachments to the outcome. ‘Not my will, but thy will be done.’

Philippians 4:6-7 - 'Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything with prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving let your request be made known to God. And the ‘peace' of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hear and mind in Christ Jesus.'

I guess, what I’m saying is lets notice our energy before we lift up prayers to Roo. Is it fearful? Is it anxious? If so, that is normal. Take a minute or two and ground  yourself in the present moment with your breath. Allow the peace of God to come over you, and then pray with faith. Faith is about trusting God, not for a specific outcome, but to do what is best, and then resting in that awareness.

God already knows the outcome of Roo’s monumental surgery. He’s way ahead of us.

What I know of Roo, he would not want us to be afraid. He trusted his life to God with all his heart, mind, and spirit.

For now, Roo needs my peace. He needs everyone to enter into his presence (his story) with the energy of hope and love. I’m not sure what God is doing on a microcellular or spiritual level to heal Roo? I know God hears our prayers. And if my calm energy or your calm energy can help, then lets chill out. Send forth a positive energy of love and peace and possibility across the room and across the country. He’d like that.