Friendsgiving 2019

Friendsgiving has become a thing. I'm grateful too. Life is busy. Families are spread out all over he country. We can't do much life in proximity anymore. We can be sad or we can open our hearts or homes to our friends. This year, we appreciate the invite to share Thanksgiving hospitality among friends (Andie and Ken). As luck would have it, it was a vegan Thanksgiving this year. Everyone brought delicious plant-based dishes and desserts. We had a wonderful time. And like all Thanksgivings, our bellies were too full at the end of the night.  Ps-we are fasting the day after. 😉

Mushroom Wellington

Thanksgiving Table for 13

Vegan (chicken) pot pie

fresh fruit

Sweet Barbara. 

Ken and Carla catching up

Alice, Michelle, Andy-lovely new acquaintances 

So much food

Carrot cake, pumpkin pie, brownies

Pam and Ron 

Lively Denise 

Carla and Andie

The Hostess with the Mostest-Andie 

October Friends

One of my dearest friends got married this month for the first time. I got to be one of the two flower girls at Kimmie Rueter’s wedding. 

It was an outdoor wedding held at her sister’s house. The ceremony would take place in the front of the house with Kimmie & Undra standing on the front stairs. The reception would take place in the backyard. The weather was typical October: warm sunshine in the high 50s or low 60s in the morning, with gray cool shadows that cast over in the afternoon; by then, it became windy and rainy. 

I wore a gorgeous navy blue Indian Saree with hot pink edges and gold details.  We threw flowers all over the wedding guests and each other; we hammed it up in hopes that it would go viral. Everyone laughed and enjoyed our entrance. But when Kimmie walked up the isle, it took our breath away. This was her moment. She was walking to her man. I’ve always loved to watch the groom when the bride arrives and begins walking down the isle. Undra was so overcome with emotion at the alter. It melted every women’s heart to see him standing in gratitude and love before his bride with tears streaming down his face. Kimmie handed him her christening handkerchief.

The rain came down while Kimmie and Undra said their vows. We all wiped our eyes filled with tears of joy, and popped open our umbrellas. After we ate, huddled under the food tent, hiding from the downpour, we danced on the unrolled outdoor carpet that was soggy and muddy. The dance floor was still covered because it was too dangerous to dance on it. There was laughter and love all around despite the rain pouring down from heaven. Kimmie and Undra took it all in stride. They were married and we were their witnesses; witnesses to the love; witnesses to letting go of perfect beginnings; witnesses of laughter and close dances and mob line dances; witnesses to friends and family rejoicing in Kimmie and Undra’s special day. It was one of my favorite weddings; one I will always remember. 

We left the next morning and took off to New Orleans. We went with our favorite California friends, Susie and Steve McNitt. It was our first time in NOLA. We rented an AirBnB that was within walking distance of the French Quarter. 

New Orleans is an old city. Note to self: always wear gym shoes.
You can’t walk around (safely) in flip flops. Cobblestone streets, and ancient trees make their way to the light of day like zombie roots escaping out of sidewalks.  Music was being played every where we went. The music changed from classic jazz to zydeco to blues to funk to rock every other bar. You could just walk in (with no cover charge). You just had to buy a minimum of one drink. You could stay as long you liked. It is a people watching mecca: lots of drunk people; lots of street performers; lots of tourist attractions; lots of young homeless people hanging out in doorways or park benches; many of them with their dogs sitting next to them. As couples, we just walked hand in hand strolling down the street, smiling and laughing, and eating our way through NOLA. 

By the way, it’s virtually impossible to eat whole food plant based vegan when you’re with another couple. We were not good at planning or making better food decisions. I couldn’t tell you one vegan restaurant that was worth eating at. Next time, we’ll have better expectations of restaurants ability to accommodate vegans. Ultimately, we were there for the company not the food. Although, I will tell you that New Orleans beignets are like crack: scary for your health and addictive; I could see giving all my money away on powder sugar beignets and risk becoming homeless. 

This was week that was filled with the joy of life--a wedding, dancing, time with good friends, travel, live music and delicious food. It is so good to be alive!

25 Things People In FL Are Tired of Hearing

My friend Gary Hisel always tags me in the funniest posts (ie.,beer yoga). Sometimes it’s thoughtful things; mostly, they are just funny. I just like that he thinks of me. Recently, he posted ’25 things people in Florida are tired of hearing.” He was especially curious about #19 I thought I’d give my version of it.

1. “Wow, you live in Florida? You must go to the beach every day!”
Nope, I wish. The actual open water ocean beach is only 20 mins away from me with lights, bridges, and tourist traffic. The ocean (St. Joseph Sound) is only 5 mins away by car, 10 mins by bike. I don’t take advantage of it as much as I should. But when I do, I’m so grateful and can’t get over that we live in Florida. 

2. “Do you own any clothes besides flip-flops and swimsuits?”
I wear flip-flops all year around. Unless it’s raining. And I haven't been in a swimsuit since 1990. 

3. “Don’t you wonder what a real winter would be like?”
I remember what ‘real winters’ are like; it's why I moved. Winters in Florida are lovely. Favorite time of the year. 

4. “Have you ever been bitten by a shark?”

Being the overshare-er that I am, you would have heard about it already. But I did see a shark at the foamy shore when we first moved to Florida in Vero Beach. I told Rich, “I just saw a shark fin near shore, in the foam. “ He didn’t believe me until we saw it jump out of the water 15 minutes later because it was on a hook, fighting for it’s life. The fisherman reeled it in eventually. The poor shark had to be  exhausted. About 20 people stood around looking at it breathe on land. I started saying, softly, “Free Willy.” I did pet it and tell it to “hang in there, hopefully, they will set you free.” The fisherman eventually did. I wondered if he had survived after being out of the water for 15 minutes?

5. “Do you go to Disney World every weekend?”
Ha! No. Two words, “Orlando Traffic.” That is enough to take all the magic out of my desire to go every weekend. 

When we got married, we took our honeymoon to Disney World with four kids (Rich thought it would be a nice way to start off our marriage as a new blended family.) I don't remember what it was about, but we got into a huge fight at Epcot. He took his kids and I took Kevin and we went our separate ways. It wasn’t really the smartest idea since I had no idea where our car was parked. Miraculously, we found each other (kids in tow) in the sea of people; we took it as a sign we were meant to be together.
This Christmas, Rich and I are going to Disney for the first time in 31 years by ourselves. I trust that it will be a magical time.

6. "If you're from Florida, Where do you go on vacations?" 

I vacation in Florida. So many amazing coastal towns. I don't really have a need to go to Hawaii because I live in our own mainland Paradise. It always feels like we're on vacation. I do feel sorry for people who come down here for vacation and it's their last day. For us, it's just Thursday. 

7. “How far is that from Miami?”

About four and a half hours. Five hours with a potty break.

8. “I thought Florida was only for retirees!”
When we first moved to Vero Beach, it was a retiree community (to me). But, I now live in Dunedin; it's close to Tampa in Pinellas County. It’s a vibrant area. Lot’s of diversity. I meet people of all demographic groups here. That’s what I love about it. We experience more vacationers than retirees in our area. But those that I do know who are retired, they are living their best lives. 

9. “So, if you’re from Florida, where will you retire?”
We hope to remain here. See question #25. 

10. “I thought you would have a better tan!”
You’ll never see me with a dark tan. Although it doesn’t take much for me to get some color. Compared to people up north, I probably look tan. If I go for a short walk, under 30 minutes, I don’t put on sunscreen. And I don’t lay out on the beach. If I go to the beach, I look like Jackie Onassis: large brim hat and sunglasses, and clothes head to toe (no socks).  I had skin cancer in my 30s. I was told to be careful. My sun goddess worship days are over.

11. “What kind of sunscreen do you recommend?”
See #10. Anything organic. I don’t put chemicals on my face or body.

12. “Is there a gator in your backyard?”
No, but I have seen otters as big as a baby seal in the pond. I’ve seen a small gator on a walk with a friend at a nature reserve once.

13. “What does alligator taste like?”
I ate gator once years ago. I wouldn’t eat them now or even get a gator skin handbag. From what I remember, it tasted like a chewy, fishy chicken flavor (depending on how it’s cooked). 

14. “You must be an expert swimmer!”
I grew up with a pool in my backyard. I am an expert floater and doggy paddler. If I had to swim in the ocean, and it wasn’t too far from shore, and there wasn’t a rip tide current, and I didn’t panic from fear, I could probably swim well enough to live to tell about it.

15. “Were you ever a lifeguard?”
No. And I wouldn’t swim in ocean waters without a nearby lifeguard. Otherwise, I’m only walking in ankle or knee deep water. 

16. “Oh, so you play beach volleyball, right?”
No, I’ll leave that to the young kids. I seem to bruise like a Georgia peach at my age.

17. “Have you seen a manatee?”
A few times. Once up close while out paddle-boarding. One of the manatees almost knocked my friend Randy into the water by bumping his board (I think on purpose). Randy had impressive balancing skills. I would have fallen in the water.

18. “Do you eat fish every day?”
I stopped eating fish after I watched the Plastic Ocean documentary. I'm happy to give it up to replenish and heal our ocean's ecosystem. 

19. “Is it true that you should pee on a jellyfish sting?”
Ha! I have no idea? I recommend going to beaches with lifeguards. If they have a purple flag on the lifeguard station, stay out of the water; there may be dangerous sea creatures lurking. That said, if I knew it worked for sure, I'd totally do it. 

20. “You only have palm trees, right?”

That’s what I thought too. But they have the coolest trees: banyans, oaks, elm, bamboo, shade trees. That reminds me, I need to go hug some trees soon.

21. “How often do you make fresh-squeezed orange juice?”
I only drink fresh orange juice if I go to the Fenway as a treat. Or, if my friend Denise lets me have a few of the fresh oranges hanging off her orange tree.

22. “What’s the difference between UF and FSU?”
I have no idea. I haven’t made the switch yet to watch Florida sports. If I had to pick one, I’d probably watch the Bolt Hockey team. Although, I could be persuaded to go to a Blue Jays or Phillies baseball game. The Blue Jays spring training is here in Dunedin. The Phillies are next door in Clearwater.

23. What about snakes?
“Why? Did you see one? Where? Wait, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.” Most of the time, I have to mentally pretend they don’t exist here. I know they do. I’m making progress on my snake phobia.

24. “What’s your plan for hurricane season?”
Road Trip!! West, North, or East depending on which direction it’s coming from. Do it early. The day the Governor announces it, get in the car within 2 hours and go. Otherwise, that night, there will be lines at the gas station. The next day, there will be no gas with sheriffs stationed out in front. Water bottles will be gone. We don’t drink from plastic water bottles anymore, so no worries there; we got a Berkey water filtration system (you could drink pond water from it). The Chief of Miami Dade told me if it’s a Cat 3 or above leave. But, Cat 1 or 2, the only issue will be power outages or flooding. I don’t do well in 90+degrees with no a/c. Too hot, and I’ll faint. So, for my health, we leave. Some people brave it out. Good for them. That won't be us. 

25. “Why would you ever want to leave?”
We wouldn't, we love Florida more than we ever dreamed. But, I have been taking lots of advice about the future (with climate change in mind). I was told by a risk analyst that Florida is going to become a very dangerous place if we don’t get to zero emissions asap. Ocean rising in Florida will happen. Storms are getting stronger and more damaging. People will need to relocate. Higher prices elsewhere will be driven up because of mass migration. We live in a coastal town. I can’t imagine my beloved seaside town suffering from the effects of Global Warming. We have a tentative back up plan--stay as long as we are able. 

If it's time to go, we are thinking Denver or Boulder CO. I hope we can live out our days in gratitude and peace here. I never take it for granted that we live in Paradise. 

Lastly, I never get tired of people asking me about Florida. I hope they come visit and experience it themselves. 😎🌴🌞

The Art of Art

I can’t remember how many times I went to the Art Institute with my grandmother in Chicago.
On our way into the vast Romanesque building, my grandma would say,
“You know those lions (those two famous aged, bronze statues that flank the entrance)?”
“Yeah?”
“They don’t know you.”
Then she’d laugh out loud; she loved that she stumped me with that joke, again. I wonder how many times I let her tell me that joke because I loved to hear her say, “They don’t know you.”

While I was growing up in the suburbs, my Gram lived in Chicago on the Northside near Foster Beach. Going to the city, affectionately known as ‘Grandma’s Village,’ was something I always looked forward to.  My Aunt, my Uncle, and my Grandmother all taught me to explore and appreciate all the culture of the city: the theater, the arts, the museums, the eclectic architecture, the zoo, the beaches, the fountains and river, of course the deep dish pizza.  My favorite thing to do was spend time with them; I have a lifetime of wonderful Chicago memories.

Going to the Art Institute was like going to church. It was sacred. Everyone was quiet or spoke softly. We wouldn’t dare think of raising our voices, arguing, or running around in the galleries. No, we walked from room to room with proper curiosity. I liked every thing there: from Monet to the Modern art.

There were some artists on my mom’s side of the family: my Aunt Alice, My Uncle Bob. My mother did crafts. My earliest art projects were macrame wall hangings and candle making; my first drawing was an Indian in a canoe. Most of my paintings were paint by number back then. When I got older, I did puffy paint shoes (which were novel by the way). And I made jewelry for a time too. But I always wanted to learn how to paint with acrylic. I had no direction. As a kid, I’d watch Bob Ross on PBS. He was so relaxing and kind when he’d paint waterfalls and mountains. I probably wasn’t a natural talent otherwise my parents would have provided more art supplies instead of a guitar (and I wasn’t very good at that either). Yet, something inside of me appreciates art to the point of wanting to learn.

When I moved to Dunedin, I enrolled in art classes at the Dunedin Fine Arts Center. I was actually terrified. Up until then, my only art experience was painting Care Bears on Kevin’s nursery walls. I thought I’d give abstract art a try because I could just move paint around and play. I don’t think you can screw up abstract too much. My Uncle Bob did abstract art; how hard could it be? I quickly realized abstract art had it’s own methods of balance and color and play. I liked doing it but would feel stressed in a larger art class. I know we are not supposed to compare ourselves, but I couldn’t help it. The ‘judgy artist’ in my head was ruthlessly critical. I knew I wasn’t good yet; I hadn’t painted long enough. The reason I know I suck is because I know good art. I’ve been going art museums since I was a little girl. I don't have natural talent. I had to press on if I was going to get passed the voice in my head telling me to give it up. 

And the little secret I learned about art, the VERY BEST PART is that Gesso is my friend. I can paint over everything I hate, and start all over again. Just like the “Hidden Women in Pablo Picasso’s The Old Guitarist. 

Picasso's Hidden Women under The Old Guitarist

My art teachers, Candy Schultheis, Lorraine Potocki, and Sue Adams were so patient with me. I see the wisdom of their feedback and change accordingly as much as my brain and fingers are able; it’s a good discipline practice in life to do something where others have to give you feedback to improve. I truly enjoy them as women and I admire their art so much. 

Cy Twombly-Philidephia Museum of Art 

My art will never hang at the Art Institute of Chicago or the Met in NYC. Unless, by some mad stroke of luck, someone mistakes me for the next Cy Twombly. It was Cy Twombly who helped me realize I am an artist (at least on a soul level). Art is subjective.  Andy Warhol says, “Art is what you can get away with.”  Most artists or musicians are tortured in their process until they become competent. I have moments when all I want to do is play with paint; the learning part of art is always harder for me. I won’t give up. I’ll keep putting myself before the blank canvas. After all, letting go of judgment, comparison, and expectations is a real art. 

 

Facing Your Isms

And it may well be that we will have to repent in this generation. Not merely for the vitriolic words and the violent actions of the bad people, but for the appalling silence and indifference of the good people. ~ Martin Luther King Jr.

Martin Luther King felt that his biggest struggle wasn't against the hatred of those who were bigots as much as the apathy of those who were decent and respectable. A lot of good people feel that they don’t personally have anything against people of color, while at the same time they fail to recognize the unfairness towards people of color that is built into the system. The latter is referred to as systemic or institutional bias (and it can also be toward women, the LGBTQ community, the disabled, the aged, etc) where some groups are advantaged or disadvantaged from the start. Most forms of systemic bias are unintentional and subtle.

For instance, if engineers construct a particular community, they may not have thought about people who are disabled. Consequently there are stairs, but no elevator. There are no ramps near the entrance, no bathroom stalls that can accommodate a wheel chair, etc.  This creates a disadvantage for people who are disabled. Even though the engineers didn't intend to discriminate, they did. Part of rising above prejudice and bigotry is noticing those points of unfairness that are not personal, but are more systemic, and doing something about it.

There is a moral obligation to those of us who have built-in advantages in the system to try and create a level playing field for those who are disadvantaged. This is what it means to overcome racism.

My friend, Sheri recommended this book called, "What If I Say The Wrong Thing", by Verna Myers. In this book she makes the distinction between personal bias and isms. Isms refer to the institutional barriers that our culture creates. So when someone says, “I’m not a racist” they may say that because they personally don’t have animosity toward all people of color. However, they may continue to blindly support a system that creates disadvantages for people of color. Which is still a form of racism. I’d call it passive racism and it is largely unconscious.

When you understand this distinction, it gives you a greater appreciation of why there is such a heated debate in our country the last few years. In many respects, it seems like the 1950s and 60’s revisited, where there are three groups of people: the deep-seated bigots; the indifferent bystanders; and the activists fighting for equal rights. The first group, the deep-seated bigots, have personal animosity against  particular groups of people (e.g., Blacks, Hispanics, Muslims, Jews, Atheists, Gays, Feminists, etc). The second group, the indifferent bystanders, are often decent, caring people who unconsciously support a system that is bias because they fail to see the social barriers that create injustice. Therefore they don’t speak out. The third group, the activists, realize the system needs to be fixed in order for there to be fairness and equality; that racism is more than just our individual attitudes, it includes a social system as well. The activists are often a pain in the ass to the first and second group because they won’t shut up. But when you care about someone else’s rights as much as your own, then you can’t be silent. Anymore than if your child was in the hospital and wasn’t getting the proper care or attention. You’d speak up and advocate for them. 

So when children are being taken away from their parents and put in cages; when blacks suffer disadvantages in education, job opportunities, pay disparity, and treatment by the justice system; when Muslims are banned from coming to our country because of fear-mongering; when gays or transgenders are treated differently in the military, activists respond in the same way as if it was happening to them personally. When we remain silent and indifferent it’s just racism of another form because we’re not caring for another person’s race as much as our own. 

Lately, I’ve seen many people trying to defend Donald Trump saying he’s not a racist. If you mean by that he doesn’t hate all people of color, you’re probably correct. But when we understand racism includes tolerating mistreatment of someone because of their race or ethnicity (that you wouldn't tolerate yourself), by that standard, he’s clearly a racist. When you say that someone (Ilhan Omar) should go back to their country of origin, simply because they disagree with you; and you call their homeland “a complete and total catastrophe, the worst most corrupt, and inept anywhere in the world”; when you refer to African nations as ‘shithole’ countries, by definition, you’re a racist. You are supporting a system that does not see all nationalities as equally worthy of dignity and respect, rather you are espousing the belief that some people are superior or inferior based on their country of origin. And when it’s brought to your attention that children and parents are suffering unimaginable emotional distress because they are separated just for seeking asylum, and you treat them like invaders and send your army as if you are being attacked. When you cram people by the hundreds in caged areas with subhuman conditions, you’re a racist who lacks compassion because of someone's ethnicity. This is not how we treat our own people, it is only how we treat "other" people. 

Here’s the bigger issue that is hard for a lot of people to comprehend: when you try to defend someone like Donald Trump, you’re also a racist, because you’re allowing the mistreatment to continue, and pretending that nothing wrong is happening. There will always be unfairness and discrimination until we see beyond our own personal concerns (the economy is good, I have job, my 401k is in tact, my political agenda is being advanced) and see the bigger picture of a social system that needs to be fixed.

We all need to separate our ism from our bias. So stop defending yourself by saying, “I'm not a racist, I have a black friend. I have a gay friend, or I’ve got nothing against blacks or Hispanics." If you're really not a racist, start supporting their cause. The next time you’re watching the news and there’s a Black Lives Matter demonstration, whose side are you on? The next time someone makes a disparaging remark about someone’s race or ethnicity, whose side are you on? The next time there’s a news piece on the abhorrent conditions of the immigrants in cages and detention centers, whose side are you on? Don't just focus on whether you are personally bias, think about the isms.

When you make friends with a person of color, you’re overcoming your personal bias. When you take the side of all people of color, when they are unfairly treated or disadvantaged by our social system, you’re overcoming your racism.