The Day We Met

Rich and I were having dinner after a movie the other day. We started to reminisce about when we first met.
All of a sudden I gasped and said, “I totally forgot to mark the occasion and celebrate 30 years ago when we met.  November 8^th was the day we met. In my depression over the election, I totally forgot.”

I had prepared a blog this month post-election on Political Consciousness: How I was going to cope and behave the next four years under a Trump Presidency.  I had spent the last few weeks after the election off social media so I could rejuvenate my spirit. The election leveled me. I was heavily invested. I need to spend time away from the boasting, berating, and blaming in the media. I turned off the TV and watched Netflix or sitcoms. I deactivated FB for weeks because I could hardly cope reading dear friends of mine who were terrified for their future (because they were marginalized minorities, LGBT, under resourced or under insured, undocumented immigrants, or religiously different then Christians). Personally, I needed to do a deep dive and try to understand this dense despondent energy within me.

Reflecting back over the 15-month election season, I realized that I screwed up while having many conversations with ardent Trump supporters. In many conversations I found my reformist voice. In many conversations I wanted to scream. I was deeply attached to the outcome. Attachment creates suffering. One thing I know for sure, I don’t want to repeat any of this in four years (when Trump runs as an incumbent). I have to figure out how to do better. How do I move forward politically compassionate and conscious? (More on that in a later blog.)

It bugged me that the election sideswiped me so much that I went weeks without remembering the day I met the love of my life, my Prince Charming. For years, I had been waiting to tell the ‘how we met’ story--to acknowledge the man who’s been my best friend for 30 years. 

 Rich and I both like to believe that God was participating in our fortuitous meeting. When we think of our life paths, and all that we should have been doing, there was more grace intervening than we deserved at the time. We had a lot going against us. Yet, God or the angels may have created or participated in our own personal Adjustment Bureau.

We met at a bible study. However, we saw each other without meeting 3 months earlier at a hot dog stand. 

My friend, Jean Werner and I worked at the same real estate office in the summer of 1986. She needed to go to the courthouse one day and asked if I would drive her. We did our courthouse errand and then she wanted to get something to eat. She wanted me to specifically stop at The Dog House. As we pulled into The Dog House parking lot, a thought came to mind, “Wouldn’t it be cool if God could give me a preview of the man I’m going to marry next?” Mind you, I was a few weeks away from my divorce court date.  But being 22-years old, my mind may as well have been like a high school girl who took off her boyfriend’s ring and gave it back so she could go out with the next boy. I know it wasn’t mature.

Jean was inside The Dog House for 15 minutes getting her food. It was hot outside. I was hungry too and feeling a bit irritated that I didn’t bring any money for myself.  The first guy I see walking out of The Dog House is a handsome guy in cut off shorts. As he walks to his car parked in front of me, I thought, “I’m going to marry that guy!”

I didn’t tell Jean when she got back into the car my odd thoughts, “It would be cool if God could give me a preview of the next man I was going to marry” to “I’m going to marry that guy”-a total stranger in Waukegan IL.

Jean was happy she had her food and ran into a friend-that’s what was taking her so long. “I saw Rich Brandt. Remember him? He’s the guy I told you about who’s my pastor whose going through marital problems.” My next thought, “Oh my gawd, I just lusted after a pastor.”

What I didn’t know was Rich saw Jean get into my car as he was leaving. A few days later he called Jean and invited her to a bible study he and his twin brother were going to start. He also asked about me. He told me after we started dating that he remembered pausing to look at me in his rear-view mirror. He describes it like this: “time literally stood still when I saw your face, and I thought, wow, that is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life—a true, deep, all-encompassing beauty. It was dreamy. I was hoping to meet you somehow---especially once I saw that you were friends with Jean.” 

Jean started to attend Rich and Ralph’s bible study. A few times after that moment in The Dog House parking lot in August of 1986, Jean also invited me to go to that bible study. I declined.

After my divorce, I was a single mom not making much money yet in real estate. I literally had a car, a bike, and a stereo to my name. God knew I was going to get divorced because he gave me Kevin, who was a perfect, easy little boy. The only trouble I had was he was often sick (projectile throw up just before I went to work in the morning). His little body was going through something. My doctor wondered if he was affected by the divorce? I went through nine babysitters the first year as a single mom. I remember my lawyer telling me, “You may be emotionally ready to be divorced, but you’re not financially ready.”

I was living with my aunt in affluent Lake Forrest IL. Of course, I felt like Liza Doolittle. I appreciated the generosity of my Aunt Bunny and Uncle Scott. Even with their help, they both knew I was in over my head. One night, after dinner, they sat me down and recommended that I give Kevin back to his dad for full time custody. My income was solely by real estate commissions. I wanted to make a go of it. However, it takes time to build up a clientele. They thought I should go to secretarial school. I knew they were right; I was unprepared to raise Kevin as a single mom. My heart was anxious and torn. I felt guilty that I was putting Kevin in stressful situations. How was I going to make it? Another thought popped into my head again, “Call Jean. See if you can go to that bible study she keeps inviting you to.” I did. I met her there the next day.

I was in need of Christian counsel and support. I made a promise to God when I got divorced that I would never do anything drastic again without getting the wisdom of others.

When I went to the bible study, Rich’s twin, Ralph, was warm, friendly and curious; within 10-minutes he had my entire life story and my reason for coming to the bible study. Rich was quiet. His energy seemed weighed down as he listened. I appreciated what each person said as they spoke into my situation. Rich looked at me and said, “I just got divorced. I don’t have custody of my kids. It’s heartbreaking to be away from them. Whatever you have to do, don’t give up custody of your son. If you have to eat Macaroni & Cheese the rest of your life, don’t give up your son, Kevin.” That resonated with me thoroughly; I could do that. It gave me hope. It’s what I needed to hear. I was able to confidently let my aunt and uncle know I wasn’t giving Kevin back to Danny. 

I was poor as a church mouse as a single mom. Our first apartment didn't have any furniture except a kitchen table and piled up folded blankets as a couch. But I was happiest I had ever been in my life. I had my little boy in my daily care. We ate lots of Macaroni & Cheese. 

As we left the bible study, I said to Jean, “I thought you said Rich was married?” Jean raised her eyebrows and smiled and teased me, “Ooooooh, you and Rich?”  I said, “Don’t even think about it. That’s all I need, a depressed ex-pastor.” 

Little did I know then, that wouldn’t be the last piece of life changing wisdom that Rich would give to me. He became my best friend, counsel, and the love of my life, husband, and a perfect stepfather to Kevin. We were blessed.   

To finish the story, a couple of months after meeting at the bible study, Rich came over to my aunt’s house to get to know me. That was the night when we properly fell in love, on a moonlit walk with large snowflakes falling around us as if we were in a snow globe. A few weeks after that we had our first date and our first kiss in downtown Chicago. 

I was head over heels for this kind, witty, spiritual, intelligent, and gorgeous man. I loved him. I loved his three darling children. Prayers to God went up in hopes that he’d love me back. 

  

I can’t believe that 30 years have gone by already. So much has happened since November 8, 1986. We’ve had our ups and downs. But there have been more ups, thankfully. We’ve grown as individuals and as a couple. Our differences are few. We are in alignment on most everything like twin flames. Spiritually we’ve evolved. Love, laughter, respect and appreciation draw us close. God has never given up on us since arranging us together so many years ago. I’d be lost without Rich in my life. I’m not sure what I did to deserve him? I’m grateful to God and the angels, and for a hungry Jean Werner; and for whimsical thoughts that pop into my mind—perfectly timed serendipitous moments. We know we were meant to be together. 

Rich told me this quote recently that wholly sums up our 30 years together on the nature of love. ‘Even in human relationships, the perfection of love comes at the end of a long loving relationship, not at the beginning.’

 ps-I'm not sure why the font format mixes on blogger.com?? I don't do that on purpose. 

#NeverTrump

I have always been open about my views--everything from politics and religion, to food and social justice. I’m sure sometimes others don’t appreciate it, but I try to respect other people’s right to disagree, and I try not to tell other people what to think or believe. And under normal circumstances I would refrain from completely outright denouncing a Presidential candidate. For example, I did not vote for Romney or McCain, nor did I agree with all their views, but I never questioned their character or qualifications. 

This year, I’m afraid I must make an exception, and here is why: Rich and I have 5 grandchildren, and one more on the way. Some day they are going to look back and wonder if we took a stand against certain “bigger issues” of our day. They will be talking about this election in political science for generations. Just like our parents and grandparents were forced to have an opinion about Hitler, Joseph McCarthy, segregation, George Wallace, Vietnam and Richard Nixon. 

Gov. George Wallace of Alabama  

Standing up to Joseph McCarthy during hearings 1954

Richard Nixon

I want our grandchildren to know that we stood on the right side of history. Or to steal a phrase, that we believe, 'Love Trumps Hate.'

I know if you’re a Republican, your first objection is “What about Hillary Clinton”? So let’s get that out of the way first.

HILLARY IS NOT A CRIMINAL - To tell the truth, Hillary wasn’t my first choice as President either. I supported Bernie Sanders during the primaries. We fell for a lot of the current rumor and hearsay about her being the Wicked Witch of the West just like most people, but then we started to investigate the rumors a little more closely, and discovered there has been a multi-million dollar cottage industry that has done nothing but vilify the Clintons on a weekly basis for the past 30 years. That statement is not hyperbole. There are literally a handful of individuals who have made a living for the past three decades doing nothing but trying to dig up dirt on the Clintons--exactly the same way the paparazzi from the National Enquirer have hounded Michael Jackson, Brad & Angelina, or Oprah. A few of them have even ended up running Trump’s campaign (but more on that later).

Years ago I was a die-hard Republican myself. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I hated Hillary Clinton, and said the meanest things about her—though most of my accusations were based on hearsay. Upon closer investigation, it turns out that 90% of the allegations against Hillary are unfounded, politically biased, without evidence, or less significant than you might think. And this is how hard-hearted I was: I WANTED her to be guilty. I have since tried to live my life guided by the philosophy that a person is “innocent until proven guilty”. There is no other way to guard against demonizing those that disagree with us, or to avoid unfairly destroying someone’s reputation unfairly. For instance, several, multi-million dollar, Republican-led investigative committees have looked into Whitewater, Travelgate, Benghazi, and the email controversy. None of them found Hillary guilty of a criminal charge. It is fair to say that Hillary is a typical Washington politician, who knows how to play within the Washington system, who changes her opinions to survive elections, has taken money from corporate interest groups, and has used her connections to advance her own agenda, etc. She alone didn’t create this political culture; it’s been in place for decades. But she is not a criminal, and she has actually tried to genuinely serve the public and fight for the marginalized (children, people of color, women, the poor, etc.) for her entire adult life. I can’t discount what she’s done for those under-resourced. She has also radically changed the Democratic platform because of the influence of Bernie Sanders and his supporters (agreeing to support campaign reform, to hold Wall Street accountable, provide affordable college for young people, and to reverse her position on foreign trade--TTP).  It’s a done deal; it was all voted on at the last Democrat National Convention. Polices are changing (thank you Millennials and Bernie Sanders). If you consult reliable, objective news agencies to get the facts (i.e., from educated and respected journalists who know how to vet sources, objectively weigh the evidence, and separate fact from fiction), instead of listening to opinion-based editorials from openly biased pundits (Fox News, Hannity, O’Reilly, Limbaugh, Beck, Brietbart & InforWars), Hillary—though flawed—is not the awful person she has been painted to be.

TRUMP’S BIGOTRY IS NOT AN ASSUMPTION - But enough about Hillary, this blog is about why I am openly speaking out against Donald Trump, and why his case is different than all the other politicians who are accused of corruption. To begin with, most of the allegations against Trump stem from the words that actually come out of his very own mouth when a camera is rolling. He’s a political Shock-Jock. There is no uncertainty about his guilt respecting many atrocities of misbehavior.  The only challenge here is where to begin.

HE BRAZENLY INSULTS PEOPLE - I guess a logical place is the beginning of his campaign over a year ago. One of the first things he said he would do if elected, was to build a wall, because Mexico was not sending “good people” to our country “they’re sending rapists and murders, etc.” Wow! I have numerous Hispanic friends, and all of them are extremely “good” people. They love their families, they are devoted Catholics, they work hard, and they are loving, kind and honest. But let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he misspoke, or exaggerated. Maybe it was a one-time slip and he really wasn’t being racist--it was just an unguarded moment. We all have those. But for the last 52 weeks, he has continued to stereotype, slander, ridicule and insult one identity group after another (this is the textbook definition of a bigot). He says John McCain is not a war hero because he was a POW, he says he will ban ALL Muslims from entering this country, he questions a judges objectivity because he is of Hispanic descent, he openly parodies a disabled man’s challenges, he calls women ugly, pigs, dogs, etc., he says journalists are the scum of the earth, and (perhaps worst of all) he questions the integrity of a Gold Star family who lost their son in combat. He has even viciously insulted all 17 of the other Republican nominees, the last 4 GOP candidates (Romney, McCain, Bush 41 & Bush 43); the GOP Speaker of the House (Paul Ryan) & the Republican National Committee--basically everyone who doesn’t agree with him. He is like a child having a temper tantrum in an adult body.

HE MAKES UP THINGS – Many politicians stretch the truth, shade the truth, and even manipulate the truth. But very few just make things up out of thin air. Trump is the exception. He lives in a fantasy world where he tells outright lies every 3.5 minutes (yes, they have actually calculated it). According to political fact-checkers Hillary is one of the most honest, and Trump is the least honest of all the 20 or so candidates this year. He also has conjured up this Apocalyptic view of our country, where he casts a vision of a fearful dystopian world that is about to dawn, unless he rescues America from the inept hands of all the military and government officials, who are clueless.  He states unequivocally “I am the only one who can fix this”.  Why--because he knows how to make “great deals”. And not only does he make up facts, and conjure up an alternate reality, Trump also engages in something psychologists call “gaslighting” with those he demeans and abuses. This involves treating victims like they are the ones who are confused about the facts. Have you ever known a person who makes mistakes or sinned against another? But instead of taking responsibility they deflect their actions, they whine and complain how they’ve been wronged. How dare you call them out for their bad behavior? And then they go to great lengths to twist the obvious truth and blame it on you or others? You feel like they are trying to make you the crazy person for questioning them or their motives? That’s just one form of gaslighting. Donald Trump has made a mockery of the truth for an entire political cycle in each TV interview, rally, and debate. 

Fortunately, we still have educated and experienced journalists who have spent their life checking data and facts—though Trump is trying hard to defame their profession.  He repeatedly preaches that the experts don’t know what they’re talking about from the New York Times, the Washington Post, the major News Networks, historians, scientists, the intelligence community, the generals, etc. But the majority of American voters are not buying his alternate reality. 

HE IS UNIQUIELY UNQUALIFIED – Never before, in the history of the United States has anyone been a serious contender for holding the Presidency with absolutely none of the typical qualifications. An understanding of the law helps—so most of our Presidents have had law degrees, most of them have held political office, and a few that haven’t, have had extensive military experience. Donald Trump has no such experience, and he has demonstrated that he knows practically next to nothing about policy (foreign or domestic). He knows nothing about military operations (he is certainly unfamiliar with the Geneva Convention). Not only does he lack experience or knowledge, he also lacks the most basic public speaking skills (unless you think repeating “tremendous”, “huge” & “disaster” is a meaningful form of discourse). Usually Presidents are expected to have above average intelligence (IQ)---in this arena, Trump is an embarrassment. However, what is even worse is that he has nearly zero Emotional Intelligence (which relates to self-awareness, humility, the ability to control emotions, and the gift of making others feel understood and validated).  So even if Trump had exemplary character (which doesn’t), he is preeminently unfit to run this country. I certainly wouldn’t allow someone without medical training, knowledge, or experience to perform brain surgery on someone I love. Entrusting the nuclear codes, and the national economy to Trump would be absurd----especially since he will not listen to anyone’s advice (he particularly disdains expert advice). He's right and everyone else is wrong. Everyone! With the need for delicate diplomacy with the likes of Vladimir Putin, Kim  Jong-un, ISIS, Iran—the expectation that Trump will be capable of negotiating in these high-stakes situations, when he cannot go 60 seconds during a debate without getting triggered, is ridiculous. But wait, some will say, “he is a successful business man.” Oh really? Not only has he driven his business into bankruptcy four times and used the system to get bailed out; we now know that in one year alone he lost $916 million and has not paid a dime in taxes for almost 20 years. That is not the sign of a smart businessman; it is the sign of a conman. Many people have who've done work for him were ripped off and were then threatened with lawsuits if they dared to contest it.  His only idea for “Making American Great Again” is to build a wall, kick out Muslims, repeal Obamacare, and give tax breaks to the rich.  He appears incapable of articulating his policies with as much as two intelligible sentences in a row. In all the primary debates, presidential debates, interviews, and rallies it is obvious that strategy and logistics are not his strong suit. 

HE IS SEXIST, LEWD & ABUSIVE – It has been hard to watch so many people support this man in spite of the obvious truth of all that I have recounted thus far (the insults, the lies, the ignorance and ineptitude). Every single Republican nominee was trying to point out these red flags for the past year (Jeb Bush, Christy, Kasich, Carson, Cruz, Rubio, etc.). It was particularly hard watching Evangelicals throw their support behind him, when they normally are the ones demanding strong moral character in their leaders. But the straw that broke the proverbial “camel’s back” was the release of a videotape that only served to confirm what most reasonable people suspected—Trump is a misogynist, who treats women like objects. The tape has Trump brazenly admitting to Billy Bush that he gropes, harasses and violates women in the most demeaning ways, because he believes his wealth and celebrity status gives him the right to do anything he wants. The legal term for this is “sexually predatory behavior” and it is outlawed in the workplace.  Anyone who thinks this is how the average man talks in a locker room, needs to associate with a different breed of men. The videotape initiated an avalanche of allegations from several women who said he did to them exactly what Trump confessed in the video, he does to women. This was enough to motivate over 40 Senators, Congressmen, and GOP stalwarts to publicly withdraw their support. A man who preys on women in this fashion is unfit to manage a local McDonalds much less the White House. This is goes beyond politics to a simple question of decency and morality.

I was adamantly against Bill Clinton remaining in office after the Monica Lewinsky affair had been exposed. Certainly forgiveness is available to someone who can humbly admit their moral failure, seek help, and change their behavior. We heard Bill Clinton speak at Willow Creek Community Church in South Barrington in August of 2000 (Bill Hybles was Clinton’s White House Spiritual Advisor for eight years.) Bill Clinton came to confess his sins and seek forgiveness from thousands of Evangelicals. Of course, not everyone believed it. It takes a long time to restore moral integrity after a repeated pattern of behavior of sexual misconduct, but Clinton owned his problems and acknowledge his need for God’s help.

Trump on the other hand has minimized what he said on videotape as mere “locker room talk”, and has insulted the 10 women who have claimed they were his victims. His pride has even gone as far as stating in an interview that he doesn’t think he has any need for God’s forgiveness because he doesn’t make mistakes. The right thing for Trump to do is quit the campaign, seek help, and restore his character, rather than continue to deny the allegations (which he has already confessed to on tape). If you have been sexually assaulted or sexually harassed only then will you understand why it took that tape and other women coming forward, one at a time, to speak up.

TRUMP IS THE PLATFORM FOR A RADICAL FRINGE – Oh, just one more thing. If all that has been said so far were not enough reason to stand up against this dangerous man; his core supporters (including the man who runs his campaign, Steve Bannon) are part of a movement called the Alt-Right. This movement embraces everyone from Neo-Nazis, the modern KKK, and the likes of Alex Jones. These groups propagate hate, violence, lies, racial superiority and conspiracy theories.  I don’t presume that Trump shares all of these views, but he clearly believes some of them; and worse, he never denounces the more radical and bigoted views of these extremists. To them, he is their Messiah. And Trump seems to play along by declaring he’s the only one who can fix the problems in America. 

Nate Silver: FiveThirtyEight.com 

To date, Donald Trump is behind in the polls. He’s probably not going to win the general election unless something more shocking is revealed by WiKi Leaks. Even though I’ve not held my tongue, I have held my breath during the Primary Elections. Week after week, I’ve watched this braggart grandstander play the media and the GOP like a fiddle--then turn on them when they called out his egotistical, disparaging comments. He’s unteachable, rebellious, and uncooperative. He tweets regularly now that “the election process is rigged” and the GOP are traitors. 

Still to this day, I can’t believe he’s the Republican nominee for President of the United States. He’s done irreparable damage to the civility of the election process. Even noted modern historians like Doris Kearns Goodwin, Michael Beschloss, Ken Burns, and Pulitzer Prize winning author (and registered independent), David McCullough, all agree there has never been a more unsuited candidate for president. American historian, Joseph Ellis encouraged Millennials to vote this election with an imperative: “the future and fate of the Republic is at stake this November.” At Stanford, Burns said, “We see nurtured in his campaign an incipient proto-fascism anti-immigrant Know Nothing-ism, and disrespect for the judiciary. The prospect of women losing authority over their own bodies, African Americans asked to go to the back of the line, voter suppression gleefully promoted, jingoistic saber-rattling, a total lack of historical awareness, a political paranoia that, predictably, points fingers, always making the other wrong.” Yes! That’s what I’ve been feeling but couldn’t say it succinctly.  

When Former Republican Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says, “Enough!” well, there isn’t much else to say.

I’m praying Trump loses (if God cares about these kind of things). Stay tuned for the Donald Trump Network (DTN). Trump’s gonna pitch his tent and move his circus to cable—turning disgruntled Trump voters into viewers (probably with the help of fellow sexual harasser and disgraced former Fox News Chairman, Roger Ailes). And of course, Trump will make a fortune doing it. They will propagate the myth that the election was stolen from them for the next 4-8 years, and that they are the only media outlet you can trust. Who knows what else they will spew? I bet you $916,000,000 Trump takes back his weak press statement that President Obama is an American. While that will all be nauseating, at least come mid-November I won’t see Trump on the news nightly.

Once again, for the sake of our children and grandchildren, please know that your Oma and Opa were not ashamed to speak out against this man’s candidacy. To state clearly and unequivocally, we are opposed to his treatment of women, Hispanics, Muslims, African-Americans, veterans and the disabled. We also stand for intelligent critical thinking and respectful discourse, an honest expression of the truth based on facts, overcoming hate with love, and an America that insures liberty and justice for all—not just the few. 

This would have made more sense...if it were only true. 

Paradise Lost & Found

 

Leaving Illinois Sept 28th 2015

A year ago, Fred, Rich, Kevin, Tiffany, and myself packed up and moved down to Florida. I can’t believe a year has gone by already. 

We are not in Kansas anymore.

While making casual conversation with people in stores or restaurants, I say, “Oh we just moved here from Chicago recently.” As if it was a few weeks or months ago. My brain hasn’t comprehended all the changes that have happened in the last year. It doesn’t feel real. 

  

Naples Florida

St. Augustine Castillo de San Marcos

The moving to Florida part has exceeded our expectations. It’s paradise. We are happy we moved to Vero Beach where we feel like we’re on vacation all the time: music and art festivals, palm trees, exotic birds, miles of quiet beaches, and endless summer. We enjoy getting in the car and exploring new towns of Florida. Some of our favorites: St. Augustine, Palm Beach, Jupiter, Stuart, Naples, and Sanibel Island. It seems there are endless opportunities and beautiful places to experience. 

  

We found a big house that suited our needs.  Kevin and his fiancé Tiffany had the upstairs and we had the downstairs. Going into this experience we all thought optimistically it would work out well. That lasted for about a day.

The first eight months living together in Florida was truly the hardest year of my life. And let me tell you, in 30 years together, we’ve had some hard years. But nothing like this: Tiffany confessed that she was an opiate drug addict for over a decade. It blindsided and terrified us. Given her harrowing background, she had mental and physical needs that we were not equipped to handle (like the first time she detoxed in our house and additional relapses). Tiffany was going to need drug treatment if she was going to live. Kevin was going to need a 12-step program for co-dependency; he had been handling Tiffany all on his own for over a year. This was bigger than him—bigger than all of us. 

We showed support and love from the moment Tiffany told us. The difficult part now was we were put in a position to be parents or counselors to our adult children 24/7 during this crisis stage. They needed boundaries and accountability if they were going to turn their lives around. We had to establish trust if they were going to continue to live in our house under these unique circumstances. This wasn’t a part of our plan. Trying to be the ‘velvet hammer’ so we could have stability didn’t go over well with them both. They wanted and needed our help but resisted it to their detriment. 

I could see their desire as a couple and as individuals to want to heal and overcome. At times they tried. However, their attempts were not sustainable without serious outside help. They had a daunting mountain range of self-exploration to climb to get to the other side of sobriety and normalcy. The drug addiction recovery odds are not high. Rehab is no guarantee she could remain clean. Would she survive? Would he cope if she didn't or moved on without him? We were attached and invested, hopeful, but realistic too. I had insomnia and a stomach ache for months from worry. 

The energy in our home was SO dense and depressing (even in spite of trying to be optimistic but firm). Fred also died suddenly. Our hearts were broken and overwhelmed. We put on 40-lbs each from dealing with this life and death situation all by ourselves, without our support system back home. We were sad, lonely, and fearful. I missed my girlfriends desperately. All we did was eat and process how to cope. 

It took getting into our own 12-step group for co-dependency before we were able to finally come up for air. That meant we also had to step way back and allow life to unfold without our intervention.

I’ll spare all the in-between disappointing conversations and heightened emotions over those many months. We were leveled and had little energy for much of anything. Addiction and co-dependency has a life of it’s own; we were not ourselves.  

Tiffany eventually went off to rehab in California. Two months later she showed up on the front door with a truck to pack all her stuff up, break up with Kevin, and move back to California. We have not spoken to her since that day. 

Our attention turned from helping Tiffany to helping Kevin cope and move on with his life again. Thankfully, he was able to find a way forward after feeling hurt and rejected. He took on a whole new career path, and was able to also financially recover.  

After a while, we found our own lovely drama-free cadence again in our new state, our new town. Many days we would go to one of our favorite ocean-side lunch spots and look out at the ocean while sipping ice tea and eating crab cakes (although, now we’re vegan so we can’t eat crab cakes). 

Buddha 4 months taking over the house.

Buddha (our Tibetan Terrier puppy) entered our life this summer with boundless energy. We were already emotionally and physically spent. He’s darling but demanding. The first two months with Buddha we were sleep deprived parents. But he’s brought new things to talk and laugh about. We go to the doggy park everyday and watch Buddha run free, wrestle, and dig in the dirt. That brings us a lot of joy. 

Before and after doggy park 

We’ve stepped out of our story, processed some of the hurt and anger and got back into the present moment. 

Trying to fine our way in Paradise. 

New opportunities are happening. We are meeting interesting people we could see being life long friends. We’ve been to a dozen churches. However, they are too conservative or too liturgical. Not to mention that 90% of the church median age is 85 years old (I don't want to be making friends and going to funerals.) We were spoiled with Willow Creek. I don’t think there is anything like Willow around here, so we’ll just have to be spiritually self-fed for now. We’ve also found a lovely meditation group on Saturdays. It’s nice to talk about global healing and inner peace and mindful-living.

We are going to be moving out of this big house and into a condo in January. We’ll be five minutes from the things we love: doggy park, ocean, and restaurants, and theater.  

How does it get any better? 

Even though our first year in Florida was painfully difficult, deep down we’re happy to be here. It still surprises us that we made such an incredible lifestyle change. At least every other day we smile and say out loud to each other, “We live in Florida!”

1 shell for every time we see the ocean together since moving to FL.  

See all those shells? For fun, I collect a seashell for every time we came to the beach together as a couple. The ocean has a unique hold on each of our spirits. It’s calming and awe inspiring. The horizon reminds me that all is well; God brings all things back into balance when we are ready. Collecting these shells is a way to remember all tangible and (hopefully) timeless moments we’ve had with each other. Lord willing, there will be many more seashells ahead. 

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