Take Rx...Call Me In The Morning

Why do we choose to do things that don’t serve our minds, bodies, or spirit? Why do we avoid doing the right thing?

Some people say it’s our sin nature. Maybe? Romans: 7:15 

‘I do not understand what I do. For what I WANT to do, I do not do, but what I hate, I do.’

I spent my whole life spiritually damning myself (often to hell) for my sin-nature or for not getting a grip on my addictions: over-eating, gossip, jealousy, over-spending, anger, or pride. Seriously, I’m talking 35+ years of religiously going to my knees, in quiet time in prayer to talk it over with God on a daily basis. I’ve got journals to prove it. I asked (and begged) the Holy Spirit for help. Sometimes, it seemed, I got some help but only briefly. There was never any lasting transformation. That made me feel like I was a dropped off on the side of the road, like an unwanted kitty in the rain. Didn't God love me? I was consciously aware that I was flawed. Isn't that what He wanted, my utter dependance and remorse? Why couldn't He fix me? 

Did God let me down? You bet He did!!! 

However, when I questioned that stressful thought I realized, no, I wasn’t abandoned by God. I made wrong assumptions. And honestly, sometimes I chose to run away (like a pouty child, who had no understanding of the bigger picture of why my parents asked me to do my homework). I took the easier route and did nothing except throw softball-prayers up to God to fix me; I did the least work possible to keep up appearances to get a passing grade. I often did this in school and in life.

God offered me lots of ways to become free through spirit. However, I consciously and unconsciously chose NOT to be free from my harmful behaviors; I didn’t REALLY want to do that work of questioning a lifetime of conditioned 'thought' patterns. When the going got tough, I’d pull the ‘Popeye Card’—I am what I am. Classic Kim avoidance move.

The simple invitation God offers is to: “Take Captive EVERY Thought, or Cast ALL your cares on Him, or Don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough worries of itself.” For me, unknowingly, it was easier to be a victim of my feelings, thoughts, or memories. I was more comfortable blaming God or others than applying any real change to my life. Beside I was pretty attached to some of those thought patterns. And you better believe that I felt I earned the right to hang on to many of those emotions attached to those thought patterns. 

But here is the cool thing. What has been conditioned can be unconditioned. If the neural pathways are not damaged, the conditioned mind can transmogrify. It does take time, but it can change. 

I’m more than just spirit. I am mind and body also. I spent my life living more on a spiritual plane with God. Not a bad place to live contemplating things of God. However, it wasn’t balanced. I was good at thinking God kind-of-thoughts but not very good at living out God’s simple ways. I was completely, and I mean almost completely, disconnected from my mind and my body. I just suffered with my mind and body. 

I concluded my stressful thoughts were who I was; I never questioned the conditioned or limited beliefs. I thought my body was just to get me from one place to the next; I didn’t serve or support or have a relationship with it. I put all the responsibility on God. And in return, I believed myself into feel abandoned on some level.  

I have been giving this incredible body to live and steward. I’ve been given this inestimable brain. I had no clue that my mind had been running on automatic pilot, or that I adapted to the behaviors of others around me on a subconscious level.

I can’t undo these destructive actions or habits UNTIL I bring them out into the light (consciously…without judgement through observation). Some say, confess your sins before God. I actually don’t think God is looking for our constant apology for being human. NOBODY was more sorry for being human than me! I do think He wants us to look at our thoughts and what we created that holds us back from being free.

We are spirit beings. We also have a highly, adapted brain that make us an evolved being. Our brain is a universe in it’s own right: energetic, expansive, mysterious, and ethereal (because of consciousness). The article “Memories May Not Live In Neurons’ Synapses” by Roni Jacobson states, ‘The idea that synapses store memories has dominated neuroscience for more than a century, but a new study by scientists at the University of California, Los Angeles, may fundamentally upend it: instead memories may reside inside the brain cells.’ Just this one scientific finding is a game changer on how we process thoughts. 

We can transform old habits when we replace those old tapes. However we can’t do that in one or two sittings. I don’t even believe we have to go to counseling to do a deep dive. We need a DAILY habit of conscious awareness of our thoughts in the present moment. Here, in the moment, we are able to question old thoughts (sort of like defragging a computer) and then downloading new conscious data that is true, sustainable, loving, supportive, and empowering. When I learn how to do this in meditation, life as I knew it changed.

We don’t need to blame our old bosses who gave us a pink-slip and escorted us out of the building, our parents, our siblings, our ex-lovers, or friends who broke our heart. We just need to learn how to NOTICE what we are thinking (without judgment). We need to learn how to live in the present moment. We don’t just ‘take captive SOME thoughts’. We ‘take captive EVERY thought’. That is what’s required to be healed or transformed. It’s a lifetime commitment to continually update the software data in the mind through meditation. 

We all say we want to FEEL better. We do and we don’t.

Instead of over spiritualizing your nagging habits (e.g., I’m a terrible person who can’t stop sinning or__________________fill in the blame), just consider that the brain has a lot of previous programing. Some of it’s genetic. Some of it we uploaded unconsciously throughout the years. And we wonder why we are left feeling stuck. 

This meme made me wonder how many of us would be willing to do what it takes to feel better? How may of us would be willing to take this Rx and make better choices (food, exercise, sleep, or meditation) instead of blaming others or continuing to shame ourselves with our inner critic?

I’m passionate about mindful-living, breathing, and mindful-meditation because it changes our mind, body, and our spirit for the better.  Daniel Amen says, "Change the brain, change the life." And personally, I want to feel better and enjoy my life and my connection to others and God. (But, without all the negativity attached to it.) So, I'll take the Rx (above) and stop paying the doctor to tell me what I already know. :-D 

The Winter of Our Content

I can’t believe that we are leaving Arizona on Sunday, March 1st.  We’ve been here a little over 3-months. It’s been life-changing and wonderful. I got to wear my flip flops almost every day. Take daily walks (except when it rained those 3 times). This was the first-time ever that I didn't gain weigh over winter. And I got to spend time with my parents.

 Rich and I have made a few big life decisions in the last year about our future (for ourselves and time with our Kids and Grandkiddos). Life as we know it is changing. One of the choices we made was to spend the winter of 2014/15 in Ahwatukee, AZ.  We rented a little condo within a mile of Adam and Carrie and the Grandkiddos. 

Adam & Carrie are very busy parents raising three loving, active children. All the kids are in different activities (both school and extra curricular). Our intention was to just show up as much as possible and step into their world. To be honest, we have no idea how Adam and Carrie do it 24/7 (other than they are such devoted and child-centered parents). It’s been a pleasure getting to watch them in action. 

Over the past 3 months, we’ve made some Oma & Opa observations about Adam & Carrie and each of the Grandkiddos that we’d like to share for future generations (and for kicks, giggles and posterity).  

 

Adam:   

Driven

Ambitious

Absorbed

Tired

Passionate

Patient

Flexible

 Servant heart                        

 Loves his wife 

Proud of his kids 

Articulate and Smart

 Sacrificial, Spiritual

Tender-hearted      

                     

Highlight Reel Favorite Moment:  

Was watching Adam Coaching. 

He coaches both AJ and Tyler’s Flag Football Team, the Titians. 

He’s the loudest voice on the field and sidelines in EVERY game. Constantly Cheering and Encouraging, and applauding his players. He jumps up and down like a Kangaroo on big plays. Has an after-game speech each week that rivals Knute Rockne. 

Carrie: 

Highly Organized

Very Patient

Firm but Gentle

Decisive,

Compartmentalized

Easy to be around

Courteous 

Hospitable

 Other-Centered

Authentic 

Caring

Devoted to her family

Great Step-Mom, (or Bonus Mom)

Inclusive 

Highlight Reel Favorite Moment

 Carrie has this way of being 100% available and present for the kids or others one-on-one. If she’s with someone (let’s say one of the kids) she will ask questions and tie a shoe, open a juice box, give a smile or a directive while showing she cares, she’s listening, and drops everything to focus on the need in the moment. 

Tyler: 

Smart

Smart-Aleck

Passionate

Exceptional Big Brother

Busy 

Curious (at an adult level)

Unfiltered

Hopeless Romantic

Determined

Open-minded 

Goofy

Involved

Highlight Reel Favorite Moment: Watching Tyler in Action as a big brother. He anticipates their need and helps. Most teenagers are pretty self-absorbed and too cool to be around their siblings. He get’s down on their level. He genuinely has fun with them and loves them. I wish I would have had a big brother like Tyler. 

AJ:  

Focused 

Absorbed

Reserved

Playful 

Cooperative

Smart

Articulate

Competitive

Sensitive

Sports-Fanatic

Likes to be Challenged

Worships Big Brother

Self-Contained

100% Boy

Highlight Reel Favorite Moment: Watching AJ play hockey. He loves the sport. He knows the sport. And he faithfully executes the practice drills (skating backwards, puck handling, pulling a kid behind him who is holding his stick to strengthen his legs). Pushing himself beyond his limits. Most impressive is how when he falls down, he gets right back up and presses on. He looks so adorable in his hockey uniform. 

Aliya: 

Primadonna

Fun-loving

Loves to laugh

Moody 

Easily Amused

Curious

Attached to Mom (like a baby Kangaroo)

Attached to dad (when mom’s not around)

Attached to Big Brother Tyler

A Girlie-Girl

Loves to Dance

Great little memory

Good little Conversationalist

Cute as a Button 

Highlight Reel Favorite Moment:  Each week Aliya came to dance class with her tutu on and ballet slippers. Listening and watching her ballet teacher, she passe’s and plie’s. She focuses to do everything just like the teacher throughout class. She works so hard to balance and move gracefully. It's all play and darling to watch. She just started tap class. I think she gets a kick out of hearing her feet make a sound. She loves to be watched and when the class is over, she comes joyfully running to her parents arms to be applauded and kissed. We had matching tutu's and went to get ice cream in them (much to Tyler's total embarrassment). ;-) 

I will miss the sunrises and sunsets, butterflies and mountains, and magical AZ moments.

But most of all, I will miss my sweet family

10 Things We've Learned From Our Muslim Friends

Back in 2008, we went to an Interfaith Thanksgiving Service. There were Christians, Jews, Buddhist, Hindus, and Muslims each offering prayers of Thanksgiving. Each prayer was written out in English in a church bulletin. At first it seemed strange, especially when they were praying in Hebrew, Sanskrit, and Arabic. Obviously the only approach to God that we were familiar with was from a Christian perspective. Our inherent bias conditioned us to feel a sense of ‘us verse them'--we were right, and they were wrong. We had the truth, and they had a false religion. But our heart softened, by recognizing the reality and validity of their experience of God. As the service progressed, I heard a Muslim man praying while I read the English translation. I leaned over and whispered to Rich, “They believe in the same God we do!”  At first, Rich thought, “No they don’t.” But then listening more, he realized the words of their prayers were just like the Psalms—expressions of supplication, intercession, and thanksgiving to the one and only God. I think we both walked out of that service changed people. God had opened our eyes. Just like he did with Peter and Cornelius in Acts 10.34-35 “I now realize how true it is that God does not show favoritism, but accepts from every nation the one who fears him and does what is right."

After that God began moving us to build genuine friendships with Muslims. We still recognize the differences between certain beliefs held by Christians and Muslims. But we also realize how much we have in common, and how many misperceptions Christians have about Muslims. 

Here are 10 misperceptions that have been cleared up by getting to know Muslims first-hand:  

1-The Hijab — 

Many Americans think the hijab (or headscarf) is a symbol of oppression and male dominance in the Muslim culture. 

We’ve come to learn that a hijab is a token of commitment to modesty—a way to please God. I’m sure you’ve met many Muslim women who don’t wear hijabs. It is a personal choice that the woman makes for herself. She isn’t doing it for her husband, but for God (much like a Catholic nun). By the way, some of the most liberated, outspoken Muslim women we know wear a hijab. And they are most definitely not oppressed. 

2-Jihad -- 

Most Americans think that Jihad refers to a holy war against infidels (Christians and Jews, and The West). Actually the term as used predominately in the Quran refers to the spiritual struggle of a Muslim believer. Just like in the New Testament the Apostle Paul uses the expression ‘spiritual warfare’. We have several good friends who are heavily involved in a Muslim American public relations campaign called MyJihad. It’s purpose is to reclaim the word jihad from terrorists and the American media who have hijacked it to mean something evil. For instance, our friend, Angie’s jihad is to keep moving forward as she copes with the loss of her son who died at a young age. For others, their jihad is trying to pay off their school loans while working two jobs. For us (Rich and I), our jihad has been our frustration with extreme Right-Wing Christians who portray Christianity in such a negative and narrow-minded way. They can be so anti-Muslim, anti-gay, anti-Obama, anti-liberal media. But the point is they are all about hate and fear, rather than love and peace. 

3-Acceptance of Abrahamic Faiths

Those of us who are Christian grow up with the misconception that Muslims are taught from the Quran to hate Christians and Jews. We have learned a different viewpoint from our Muslim friends. The Quran teaches them to have a high respect for Christians and Jews because all three religions go back to Abraham. They believe that Moses (and other contributors to the Old Testament) and Jesus are prophets of God. And consequently have a high view of the Bible. Granted there are points of disagreement, but they believe that Jews and Christians who actually love God and love their fellow man are believers who know God. And the only Jews and Christians they are taught to resist are those who unjustly persecute Muslims (e.g., if they can’t build a mosque in a town where there are Muslims who seek to worship, if they are harassed for wearing a hijab or reading the Quran, or if their freedom to practice their religion is threatened). When I first met Sarah, a lovely young Egyptian Muslim, she told me how much she loved Israel, Christians, and the Jewish people (but not Zionism). She said, my heart for Israel is: One land, three faiths. I thought that was beautiful. 

4-Views on Jesus—

There is a popular misperception that Muslims reject Jesus. In actuality, they have a deep reverence for him. One day we were having lunch with some of our interfaith friends. Over pizza the subject turned to Jesus. Mohamed was telling us the story about how someone questioned him about Jesus. He was standing and smiling looking larger than life recounting the story.  "Jesus!!! I love Jesus. And when he returns, I’m going to follow him.” That was one one of those moments in time that is forever etched I’m my memory. I was flabbergasted as my misconception melted away. It almost brought me to tears because he was so sincere in his love for Jesus. Certainly there are divergent views regarding the incarnation and the resurrection and the meaning of the cross. But Muslims are very Jesus-friendly. And their religion teaches that Jesus will be the one to establish God’s kingdom on earth. 

5-Allah or Jehovah— 

It’s common for Christians to think that Muslims worship Allah rather than Jehovah (the true God). In the last 7 years, we have come to learn that Allah is simply the Arabic word for God. No different than the word Dios in Spanish, Theos in Greek. Muslims are taught to worship Jehovah--the God of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and Jesus. It was a major revelation for us to realize this fact. We may have different doctrinal beliefs in our religions, but Muslims pray to and worship the same God. This has become a major point of commonality with our Muslim friends. Just like Christians recognize that their Jewish friends worship the same God and can use that as a foundation for aligning on multiple social issues (e.g., civil rights movement, abortion, and freedom of religion, etc.), Muslims also share these same core beliefs. In fact in 2007, a large group of Christian clergy and Muslim clerics drafted and signed a document called 'A Common Word Between Us and You’, that highlights the fact that both religions see love of God and love of our fellow man as foundational to their core beliefs. 

This link is the kind of thing that happens ALL THE TIME because of misperceptions about Allah. There is no excuse for this kind of fear-based Christianity..... http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2015/01/christian-protesters-shout-down-muslim-kids-singing-national-anthem-at-texas-rally-islam-is-a-lie/

6-Shariah Law—

The American Media has created a scare (particularly more conservative news outlets) and extreme Right-Wing Christians, that Muslims want to impose Shariah Law on the entire world. They also propagate the myth that Shariah Law seeks to repress women, ban other religions, and institute public forms of capital punishment like beheading. In reality, the examples used by the media are distortions of Shariah Law. True Shariah Law is meant to be just, compassionate, and humane.There are radical Christians who make their followers adhere to their strict interpretations of the Bible (Mormon Sects, David Koresh, Phineas Priesthood, Arm of the Lord, Aryan Nation, etc.), if the media focused on these forms of Christianity as the only examples, it would be no different than how they have distorted what Muslims believe. Shariah Law, which is based on the Quran, teaches religious tolerance and that any submission to Muslim teaching should be voluntary.

 Our good friend, Qasim Rashid, an American educated lawyer who has appeared on CNN, FOX and HuffPost Live, has given us a lot of insight. He certainly knows what he’s talking about. He’s written Best Selling Books: Extremist, and The Wrong Kind of Muslim. If you’d like to read more on Shariah Law, here is a link to Qasim’s Huffington Post article, Shariah Law: Five Things Every Non-Muslim (and Muslim) Should Know. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/qasim-rashid/shariah-law-the-five-things-every-non-muslim_b_1068569.html

7-Terriorism—

Sadly the only understanding that many American’s have of Islam is the images of terrorists or extremists who represent such a small small fraction of the 1.5 billion Muslims in the world. We consider it one of the great blessings of our life to have been able to form close friendships with dozens of practicing Muslims. If more American’s would do this they would not so easily buy into the false stereotypes. Each time there is a terrorist incident of violence caused by a Muslim extremist, our Muslim friends are even more upset than we are at how their religion has been hijacked by a small minority of lunatics or uneducated angry Islamic zealots. These extremist have been misguided by a distorted interpretation of the Quran. This situation is really no different than misguided Christians who have used the Scriptures in the past to justify the Crusades, the Inquisition, Salem Witchcraft Trials, Slavery, or the Ku Klux Klan. Our Muslim friends are looking for understanding and support from fair-minded Christians and Jews who recognize the injustice of condemning an entire religion because of a handful of fanatics. It breaks our hearts to hear story after story of harassment our Muslim friends (and their children) have to deal with after any kind of terrorist incident. The way some Christians vilify all Muslims is just as shameful as watching old video footage of Christians in the South who vilified upstanding Black men and women during the Civil Rights Movement. 95% of all Muslims condemn terrorism and extremism that is done in the name of Islam. 

We once had an extensive conversation with a Christian we met who was also the head of the Chicago FBI (Counter Terrorist Division). He assured us that the overwhelming majority of Muslims are peace loving and good people. 

Sadly, even our own government officials pander to the fear-mongering and stereotyping such as Texas Rep. Molly White. Just this past week this Republican lawmaker was sending a message to her Muslim Constituents on Texas Muslim Capital Day. She instructed her staff that she left an Israeli flag on the reception desk in her Austin office to mark the occasion. She said, “ If they want to come calling at her Capital office they better pledge Allegiance to the flag. Ask representatives from the Muslim community to renounce Islamic Terrorist groups and publicly announce allegiance to America and our laws” White went on to say, “We will see how long they stay in my office.” She expects Muslims to prove their loyalty by coming into her office and jumping through hoops to prove they are American. Seems like we haven’t learned anything from the McCarthy Era. 

 7-Normal People 

Perviously to actually making friends with any Muslims, our general impression was that they were very serious, austere, and cloistered. Much to our surprise most acquaintances that we’ve made with Muslims have revealed to us that they are just normal American’s in every way. Except rather than going to church on Sunday, they go to their mosque. They watch the same TV shows and like the same movie stars. They enjoy popular music, fast food, the latest fashion, and comedy.  They go to the mall. Goof off.  Their kids are in baseball and softball or dance. They have to work to pay the mortgage and the orthodontist bills, just like us. And boy do they love to cook.  

They enjoy having a good time with family or friends. Here are two of our Muslim friends, Eman and Mohamed that were lip syncing and having fun. …………https://www.youtube.com/watch?x-yt-ts=1422579428&x-yt-cl=85114404&v=35g-OFspcyc. This was hilarious to us. We watched it over and over again and laughed at how Eman talked Mohamed into being goofy. 

9-Palestine / Israel

All of our life as American’s (and even more so as Christians) we were taught that Israel was being pushed around by Muslims in the Middle East—they were like David against Goliath. They were the good-guys and the Arabs were the bad-guys. 

Then a few years ago we had the privilege of hearing the son of a high ranking Israeli General, (Miko Peled) give a lecture on how Israel had taken the land from the Palestinians. It effectively created an apartheid state. Palestinians have not only been robed of their land, but of basic human rights. We are against violence of any kind from any side. However, it is interesting that when our ancestors in this country rebelled against the tyranny of England, it was called a fight for independence. But when Palestinians stand up for their freedoms, it is called an act of terrorism. They are desperate and fighting against injustice. If you had coffee (like we have) with a table full of Palestinian men (who let me ask any question I had) you would see there are two sides of the story. Both sides, in our opinion, need to find a better pathway to peace. 

Thankfully, Miko Peled wants peace as much as I do between Israel and Palestine. To learn another perspective: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8dKpreiVtk

10 They make really good friends. 

Up until 7 years ago, almost all our friends were fellow Christians, we never knew what we were missing. It has been a blessing and a joy to do life together. We’ve learned how much we have in common, they love God, they seek peace and justice, compassion for the poor and needy. They have the same moral values around honesty and purity that Christians do. And they have a great sense of humor and make really, really, really good friends. They have been there for both Rich and I. We can count on them for anything.  We love them dearly. Just as many Whites felt like they needed to stand up for Blacks during the Civil Rights Era, and just as many Christians felt the need to stand up for the Jews during the Nazi Regime, Rich and I will continue to stand up for our Muslim friends until they are treated with the respect they deserve as fellow human beings, American Citizens, and believers in God.  

When I look back on my own experience before becoming friends and breaking bread with Muslims, I realize that the way I thought was based on ignorance. I was just being spoon-fed rhetoric about Muslims from fear-based pastors or politicians, and well-intentioned friends. I wasn’t using healthy critical thinking. The only way you will truly know for yourself who Muslims are at their core is by questioning your biases and building bridges of commonality and becoming friends. I think that’s what Jesus has called us to do. 

Person(s) Of The Year

I am sitting here in Arizona because of two people. Michele and Dick Lemberger. Two people who changed the course of our life forever, for the better. 

I got to know Michele as one of my yoga students in 2010. Eventually, I decided to do couple’s yoga and Dick joined us. Rich and Dick hit it off. We all liked yoga and laughing together (some things in yoga are just funny). We’d occasionally go out to eat to build a friendship. 

One night over dinner and drinks, the subject turned to Blended Families. Michele and Dick are a Blended Family too. As we were telling our stories, I noticed we were lamenting about our Blended Family stories. But Dick and Michele, while having gone through tough times too, seemed to have a much deeper connection with their kids and step kids. We were envious. Dick was a very involved dad, and Michele was more like a mom than a step-mom. She called them 'my kids' and had such ownership of the relationship. Yet she humbly knew the boundaries. In my mind, I rationalized why they had a better Blended Family story because of a few reasons: Dick and Michele didn’t have as much drama around their ex-spouses, people didn't keep them locked in the past, the ‘story’ of their divorce wasn’t worthy of a novel like ours was, their kids had always lived with them full time, and they were more mature and older when they got married. 

As we shared each other’s stories, the conversation took a turn. Both Michele and Dick shifted from talking about themselves and all they went through to 'calling us out' as parents of divorced kids (Michele was a child of divorce so she gave us some heartbreaking insight.) 

Our failures as a blended family seemed more epic. However, Michele and Dick offered grace but didn’t let us off the hook. Naturally and compassionately, they moved the conversation from what happened to what WE needed to do to change things with our kids. They knew we were good parents with good hearts but we were stuck, and missed the mark.  

This was curious because I was getting a taste of my own medicine. I’m often the one counseling or giving advice to others (Rich too). However, this time, it was truth turned on me. I was slightly embarrassed and taken-back. My ego immediately wanted to wrestle with the suggestions they offered. My egoic thoughts swirled with justification "But but but….what about how hard they made it for me? What about how others interfered? What about how much I tried, we tried, but nobody ever gave me (or us) credit? Like a record player on slow speed, I could hear my distorted voice defending itself. (That is consciousness: when I can hear my thoughts and bring awareness to the height of my own BS bulwark.) 

The next day, Michele and I talked. She was kind of worried and apologized that they overstepped their boundaries as friends. I told her, “NO, it needed to be said!!! My gosh, thank you!! I heard myself talking over dinner. I didn’t like what was coming out of my mouth. I appreciate you both for being honest with us. I like feedback and you gave me incredible feedback. I could hear all my stories about being a Blended Family: I could hear the damped down anger that life didn’t go my way. I could hear the sadness that I couldn’t fix things.  I could hear the fear in my voice thinking about having to face myself and then face my bonus kids. I don’t know how I’m going to course-correct things with our kids, but I will. Even though I'm paralyzed with anxiety thinking about facing The Kids and taking ownership for the things I’ve done wrong over the years, I know it's the right thing to do.”

I knew it was time. I knew I had far more tools now then I did back when I was a young mom. The reason I felt I could change things was because of something Dick and Michele did. They set an aim about how they were going to be as a family of divorce. They would put their kids first. Period! They would put any hurt or disappointment second. 

Early in our marriage, the advice I was given to survive a blended family was just be ‘congenial’. That meant friendly but distant. I was told that there was no way I was going to be able to have a close relationship with my step-kids because they already had two parents that loved them. (Unless there is a parent who is abusive or abandons a child, the child has no need to bond with a step parent.) I did my best to stay out of the way and not rock to boat too much. 

When the kids were little, I knew they wanted to spend time with their dad and not me. I assumed that never changed as they got older. It kinda felt like nobody wanted to play with me on this play ground, so I went off and played by myself. I foolishly didn’t ask for or model what I really wanted….and the years rolled by creating more fear and distance in my mind. And because I had no reference, it was impossible for me to understand what it was like to be a kid of a Blended Family. I made many mistakes. 

Most parents of divorce are like me and Rich. They do the best they can, but often give up after 4-5 rounds in the broken Blended Family ring. Why bother getting up? Someone is always disappointed in you. You know you can’t win. Even when you can have the best of motives, blended family is just harder than I thought it was going to be. (Which by the way, we thought it would be the Brady Bunch. So that tells you how delusional we were. I was in over my head. I barely had the ability to manage my own emotions let alone three other children, and Kevin). For too many years, I had been so focused on licking my wounds and feeling hopeless. I was unable to see past my own inadequacy. Michele and Dick gave me hope. I saw how they shaped a functional Blended Family.

In yoga, I learned about setting intentions (“where the attention goes, the energy flows”). So after our conversation with Dick and Michele, I set an intention at the beginning of 2014 to find a way to heal things with my bonus kids. I was terrified. I didn’t know how I was going to bring about an opportunity to see them (since they lived all over the country), but it was my prayer. Well, God must have believed me because in the span of 4 months, I was able to fly to where they lived and see all 3 of Rich’s adult children.  

One by one, I had to prep for those face to face meetings with each one of the Kids. Honestly, who teaches parents how to get humble? How do you have crucial conversations that are authentic and healing? I believe in that stuff, but don’t often see it happen. I needed to figure out a way to ‘own' my part of the breakdown in our relationship. I used the tools from Byron Katie's "The Work" to get brutally honest with myself by asking yourself 4 questions:

1) Is it true?

2) Can you absolutely know that it's true?

3) How do you react, what happens, when you believe the stressful thought?

4) Who would you be without the thought?

(Lastly, turn the thought around: Find at least three specific, genuine examples of how to each turnaround is true for you in this situation.)  

The Work is not for wimps. If you don’t want to look at your ego, look for something a little more fluffy. The Work helps you to actually encounter your thoughts and see them for what they really are: just thoughts...100% ego and fear. 

‘Our parents, our children, our spouses, our friends will continue to press every button we have, until we realize what it is that we DON’T want to know about ourselves yet. They will point us to our freedom every time. ~ Byron Katie. 

I was nervous to meet with each of the kids, but I was prepared and 100% ‘present’ (meaning I was out of my head and in the moment). I knew what I wanted to say, but mostly, I was ready to listen. For the first time in my life, I could listen without any of my ego defense. I wasn't facing the kids, I was facing myself. As we sat together, I opened my hands (palms up as a symbol) and heart and asked them to tell me how they experienced me as their step-mom. This is so I could face my ego and my ‘past' thought-stories. And Lord willing, they could unburden some of their ‘past’ thought-stories. Some of the things they said were surprisingly loving. I had no idea how they felt. Some things pierced my heart. I permanently altered things in their life that I can never undo. All three of the kids were so gracious to me as they told me how they experienced me, and the parts of being in a Blended Family that were difficult. 

During the one-on-one conversation with Carrie and Adam, Carrie offered an outsiders perspective (as the daughter in law); She too is a child of divorce. She told how both her parents worked hard to keep everything even. I knew that we did not do a good job of that. She could see that Kevin was given more time and attention and resources. 

As Carrie was talking, it felt like my egoic Prime Directive was being altered. We had been planning to go to Florida for the winters. The winter of 20014 did me in. I declared I was officially done with winter in Chicago. I needed sun. And I needed to be by my son. And even though I’ve messed up with Kevin, he felt always safer for me to be around because I didn’t judge myself by the same standard. So I’m not sure of the exact words that Carrie said but the gist was, “Why would you go to Florida to winter every year to spend time with Kevin? [implied:That doesn’t seem fair] Why don’t you take turns seeing all of your kids and grandkids?" 

Those words walloped me upside the head. And yet, those words also gave me hope. Adam and Carrie were sincere in telling us they wanted us to be apart of their lives; they always had. We had been so used to doing life apart from what the other three kids did. We had convinced ourselves that we could never have a satisfactory Blended Family. 

I didn’t sleep much that night. I was overjoyed by the open invitation that Adam and Carrie gave us into their life. The next morning, after our meeting with Adam and Carrie, I told Rich we have to figure out a way to see all our kids more. If we are going to be gone 3 month out of the year, we need to figure out how we can do that. We’d take turns and rotate winters (or 3 months a year) with one of the four kids.  If that meant changing my business model or giving up our personal vacations, we had to figure it out. We’d take all the money we’d put towards our own personal travel, and go see one of the kids for 3 months. And Lord willing, and as God provides, we’d do that year after year for the rest of our life. We decided to take up Carrie’s advice and kick off wintering FIRST with Adam and his kids here in AZ. 

Carrie deserves Honorable Mention as my Person(s) Of The Year. 

In the past, when I was believing blended family thought-stories, Adam was the one step child I subconsciously needed the most validation: The one I was most afraid of, and the one I kept my distance from for fear of his disapproval. After my meeting with Adam, all my stories dissolved right before me. I didn’t need any validation. I didn’t need anything from him. Whatever I needed, I gave it to myself. Without the fear or the past stories, I could just be myself. No judgement, no expectation, no comparison. I could feel the love I always had for Adam (that was buried beneath my stories). I could meet Adam where he was at in the present moment and look forward to an opportunity to get to know this remarkable man who had grown up to be strong and forgiving, a devoted father.

We’ve been in Arizona since Thanksgiving 2014. Life is amazing. With a mix of surprise and gratitude, Rich and I say out loud to each other, “We live in Arizona!” I get to look at the foothills of Ahwatukee each day. Take walks in the warm sun with Rich and Fred. My heart feels content and blessed. But the best part, is we get to see Adam, Carrie, Tyler, AJ, and Aliya, who live 1 mile down the road from us. Adam and Carrie have kindly given us access to their lives and our grandkids lives. It feels like a NEW chance (not a second chance). It feels like everything that happened needed to happen to get us to this point. For that, I am thankful. It’s wonderful to get to know them more (although they are pretty busy parents raising 3 active kids). We have a front row seat and get to cheer them on. It’s a joy to do some life together for a season. 

The happiness inside of me is bubbling over. Thank you Adam, Sarah, and April for agreeing to meet with me. Thank you for showing me a window into your soul. Thank you for being my teachers; for showing me myself--all my fears, judgements, and insecurities. Thank you for loving me and your dad.  

And at least once a week, I’ll catch my breath and think, “What if Michele and Dick didn’t speak truth to me? What if we wouldn’t have had that blended family conversation? What if I wouldn’t have found the courage to do The Work?” Honestly, that is more terrifying than snakes and scorpions (and if you know me, that is the scariest thing in the world). 

Michele and Dick Lemberger are two friends of ours who have offered us their time and their truth. Everyone should have friends like that. In our book (or blog) they are our Person(s) Of The Year.