50 and FABULOUS

Here, now, the movement of life, touching me,

Healing me, revealing it’s simple truth—I am immersed in the embrace of life.

Yes, I hear the Yes.

And my response, Yes.

I am this movement.

I am home.  ~ Camille Maurine

When I turned 50, it was like winning the Trifecta: My husband bought me a brand new yellow VW  Beatle (which I always dreamed of but never imagined I’d have one of my own again). He threw me a wonderful birthday party surrounded by family and friends (which was the only thing I’d want to do). Then he took me to Maui (because we were also celebrating 25 years of marriage around the same time). Actually, Rich is the best gift a girl could ever have. I am very appreciative.  

It’s been an amazing month. When the surprise party was blown, and I knew he was going to throw me a party, I told Rich, “Please no ‘Over the Hill black decorations.” Other people may mourn the fact they’re turning 50 I’m not. I’m going to celebrate. God knows I’ve made it this far (with the help of family and friends). I plan on living a long life and enjoying the rest of it to the fullest. The balloons were happy colors: lime green and purple (thank you Michele Lemberger.) ;-)

 Turning 50 wasn’t a big deal. Bring it on! I was ready to dance and celebrate and show the young’uns how to turn 50. I was a crazy fool on the dance floor. Dancing was the one thing I wanted to do when I turned 50. My husband knows this about me. It’s the one thing I do where I feel most alive and my crazy self.

What was difficult was ‘receiving’ all this goodness (from birthday cards and gifts, to family and friends flying in from other states or driving a long way to come to the party). I was drowning in kindness and I could barely come up for air. At times, I feared I’d say the wrong thing or look like I was a spoiled rotten brat. I felt embarrassed and guilty for having one of the greatest month of my life.

There is this a little voice deep down (from a person who used to shame me) that said, “You don’t deserve this. Who do you think you are, special? It won’t last.” 

At 40, I would have tried to reason with this ‘conditioned’ voice inside my head: “But, but, I’m trying really hard to be good. I know this is too much blessing for me. I know there are people starving in Africa.” Seriously, these were the conversations going on in my head. That may have been the pathetic me at 40. However, at 50, I tapped into my confident, not-taking-any-more-inner crap-self-talk, and said, “Shut the F-up!  I’m done listening to you put me down. I’m onto you, Lady! Enough!” 

50-year old Kim swears more then 40-year old Kim. 50-year old Kim doesn’t care if that offends anymore either. Stop reading if it does! 50-year old Kim is done pretending she’s prim and proper. There is no such thing as an authentic Super Christian. Besides, most religious people or Christians I know swear; at least the one’s I like to hang out with do. The only time I watch my language is around children and old people.

Now that I’m 50, I have dethroned that doubting, insecure voice inside my head that has had harmful reign way too long. I’ll probably say things I shouldn’t (but it will be honest). I’ve spent way too much of my life playing safe and trying to ‘be good’ to win approval from people who judged me just because I exist or they’ve frozen me in time! I have God’s approval and grace so I don’t need anyone else’s. If you give it, thank you. You are kind and I will give you a kidney if you ever need one!

Turning 50 has given me permission to rise up and be more deliciously alive, real, and present. To ‘go for it’ and not look back:

I’m going to stop belittling myself for being heavier than I was 20 years ago.

I’m going to play on the beaches of the world with my marvelous, plump, dimply white thighs for all to see; Cue the Phil Collin’s Song, “I Don’t Care Anymore!!” 

I’m going to sing Karaoke even though I can’t sing. I’m going to conquer my fears. I’m going to accept that I can’t do new math or need Rich to edit my blogs and letters. I’m going to show up when you least expect it. I’m going to take shameless Selfies (with everyone I love). Because one day, I’m going to look back at 80-years old and realize I looked great at 55 or 60. Because one day, one of us is going to be dead; and you or I will be glad I was such a goofball and took all sorts of Kodak moments. 

I’m going to get more involved in making the world a better place to live (interfaith causes, peace marches, and being a voice for freedom on behalf of oppressed women locally and around the world). I’m probably going to continue to be political (some things won’t change). I’m going to accept my body rhythms as well as my hormonal fluctuations. I’m going to wear more colorful hippy clothes and wear less black (please hold me to this). I’m going to invest my time and energy where I’m wanted. If you want me around, let me know (I am not a mind-reader). If I’m met with silence, I will move on and bless you with my prayers but not my presence. Brace yourself; I’m going to say more of what I want.

I'm going to lavish my love on you and my light. John Ortberg once said, "Joy is God's basic character.  He is the happiest being in the universe. And God's intent was that His creation would mirror His joy." Guess what? I'm going to erupt joy when He looks in that mirror of His! I’m going to have more faith that God heals in the present moment. I’m going to embrace what is holy, praise it, and bow down to it (whether it’s God, food, words, nature, music, babies, puppies, or the divine in others).

I’m going to continue to ‘let go’ of what no longer serves me: like hanging out with negative people who expect me to do all the work. I’m going to read more Rumi. I’m going to continue to do much more yoga and help those who are struggling with depression and anxiety to find freedom through meditation and movement. I’m going to find a hobby other than hammocking. I’m going to talk to more strangers. I’m going to learn more about fascinating quantum energy around me. I’m going to tap into and trust my intuition more. I'm going to surround myself with men and women who will challenge me to grow and develop others. Because I believe in healing touch, I’m going to touch more (I may just spontaneously hold your hand, put my hand on your shoulder or arm, or kiss you on the forehead). I'm going to walk barefoot more and take up the hula hoop again. I’m going to dance on patios, tables, and beaches. I’m going to save my pennies so I can visit friends and family who are priceless treasures to me. I'm not going to worry about my age because I have no idea what 50 is suppose to feel like.

  

…we have difficulty remembering that we are alive in the present moment, the only moment there is for us to be alive. Every breath we take, every step we make, can be filled with peace, joy, and serenity. We need only be awake, alive in the present moment. ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

I’m going to laugh, love, and live life like there is no tomorrow. You know there is no tomorrow? All we have is the eternal NOW. And if that’s the case, at 50, I’m a young’un! 

Stay tuned.  

Reasons Why Someone Doesn't Heal

I had a teacher who once shared several reasons why people don't heal. I was riveted in this lecture. It was a 'light bulb' moment for me. I think it was compelling because I could honestly see some of these points in myself at different times in my life--times when I was stuck and sabotaged my own health. Besides recommitting myself to my own personal healing and well-being, I determined right there in that moment that I only wanted to work with people who want to heal in my private practice. I don't want to waste anyone's time or money. I exclusively work with women in my practice. But roadblocks to healing isn't gender specific; we can all have healing obstacles.

Healing obstacles:

1) Complacence

Maybe we started going to a health club, yoga class, or taking walks in the neighborhood, or getting massages because we know our body needs it. But after a few months, we yield to those uncaring voices inside our mind, "I just forgot to exercise. I don't want to get up any earlier. I don't care anymore about what I look or feel like. It cost too much. This is too hard to commit to week after week. I can start working out next week or in the spring time." Often there is an underlying seed of fear that needs to be rooted out. A resistance or unwillingness to change can hold us back. When there is complacence, we give up too soon and ignore our own self care. We begin to settle into unhealthy patterns, addictions, or behaviors that cause us to withdraw. This domino effect happens quickly. Soon we will be canceling appointments because we give up on ourselves instead of exploring the deeper hurt or pain. We make a habit of excuses about time or money when really we have a learned behavior of complacence.

2) Resentment

If we listen carefully, we can hear ourselves blaming others for our present feelings and situation. It's one thing to feel something, it's another to hold onto it for days and days, weeks, months, or years. The judgment we hold on to about those who have hurt us will affect our health (big time). When we resent others that anger simmers deep in our tissues (issues are stored in our tissues). Resentment will prevent you from healing until it's acknowledged for its destructive power over your mind, body, and spirit.

3) Loss of Hope

I've been there. Lam 3:20-21 'I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The unfailing love of the Lord never ends.' When we are depressed we can become stuck in our victimization. The tapes in our head play over and over. We despair and feel lost. It's natural to feel hopeless from time to time when the pain of loss is great. However, if we stay there too long without shining a light into the darkness we will not heal.

4) Secondary Gain

This was the hardest one to be honest about for me personally. If we don't feel well, we don't have to be intimate with our spouse, our family, or our friends. We keep people at a distance: "I have a headache tonight." "I can't come to the party." We unconsciously gain something in the short term like empathy, help from others, a badge of honor, getting out of housework or social functions, a little space, longer workman's comp or unemployment. Deep down we are settling for less then our best life when we protect ourselves with a secondary gain. When that happens, healing stops.

5) Wrong Therapeutic Approach or Person

Sometimes the therapeutic approach is wrong for the condition. A person may need instead a Chiropractor, Lomi Lomi, a Physical Therapist, Counseling, or all of the above. Yet, all of those may be outside of the your present practitioner's healing scope of practice.  There may be personality or belief differences, or communication difficulties that make it hard for you to receive treatment from this person. It may be time to ask around for some referrals. If you don't like what you are experiencing on a relational level with your holistic therapist, your body won't like it either. Commit to your healing pathway by being your own advocate and trusting your inner voice.
                                                                                                                                                            ~Kim Brandt

The Pause

If you live in the South or on the West Coast, move along people, there is nothing to see here! You may not get it. However, if you live in the Midwest, I hope you'll pause for a few moments.

In the Midwest, there is a frenetic energy that begins in the first week of August for many people (especially parents and kids of all ages). All you hear in conversations:

ü  I have to go to bed earlier so I can reset my body clock for getting up early.

ü  The kids are going back to school in two weeks.

ü  Tomorrow we have high school orientation for Megan.

ü  I need to make doctors appointments for all the kid’s shots.

ü  I’m going shopping for my son who needs a new comforter for his dorm.

It’s August, but summer is over for them. They start to look tired before school even starts because they are mentally expending a lot of energy thinking about all the necessary details about the ‘impending future.’

I was once on ‘Mom detail’. I feel ya!! But here is the thing, IT’S STILL SUMMER!!! The Autumn equinox begins September 22^nd. I know it’s NOT FAIR that the school year start earlier and earlier. If my (almost) 50 year old memory serves me, I remember going back to school 'officially' after Labor Day.” And while the wheels on the bus go round and round, there is a rhythm of nature that still BEGS for you to pause.

At the end of my yoga classes, I have my student enjoy 10-15 minutes in final relaxation before the class of over. (It's really why I do yoga!) It's a time where they let go and allow the sympathetic nervous system to dial down into the parasympathetic nervous system. When final relaxation is over, I transition my students out of the peaceful state of 'awake awareness.' I have them slowly turn on their sides and bring their knees towards the chest and PAUSE for a few more mindful moments. Ahhh, the gift of the Pause!! 

I’ve never realized how important the pause was until I started doing yoga myself. If I had learned to pause more when I was a young mom, I might have enjoyed the present moment a little longer, instead of racing to the future before it arrived.

I first learned about The Pause from Ken Gire. His book, Windows of The Soul, he tapped into something unspoken but very real in me. He wrote about how he took time to notice things, feel things, hear things, and how he desired to experience all that God had for him. A voice inside me said, ‘me too!’ If we are distracted, we will never experience The Pause. We may miss the subtle glint in someone’s eye when they are about to share the BEST NEWS EVER! Or we may miss ‘the sacredness of another human being.’ He writes in a Prayer for Solitude, “Deliver me from distractions, which are many. Teach me to pause at more windows. I know I won’t see everything, but help me to see something. So much passes me by without attention, let alone, appreciation; without reflection, let alone, reverence; without thought, let alone, thankfulness.” 

The benefits for pausing are numerous. I’m sure you can name many. Here are a few of mine: 

Benefits of pausing:

Tap into soul-yearnings (or whispers)

The mind dials down (the volume of our thought-life isn’t so loud)

Your nervous system has a chance to recover (from the fast pace of life)

Time to process feelings (Let go of feelings or things that no longer serve you; take time to cry, laugh, pray)

Experience creativity (in yourself or others)

Be present for others

Notice what matters (your self, kids, friends, nature, etc.)

I’m just as busy as some of you: I’m at my computer more these days then I like. I have to be intentional about pausing for that minute to feel the warmth of sun on my arms while walking into the post office. I have to get up with Jesus and the birds to go workout so I can enjoy breakfast with my husband (and Fred, of course). 

For this Midwest girl, I know what it’s like to have Chicago winter looming in the not too distant future. I shiver to think about being cooped up all winter (again). The older I get, I’m learning how to pause more and not jump ahead to Labor Day and declare summer is over. Hell no! It’s not over people until the sun is observed directly above the equator! Then and only then, will I say, summer is over. Until then, you’ll catch me taking bike rides, moon walks, watching bees hover around my Rose of Sharon bush, laying in the hammock with my dog, making lunch dates with a friend, catching a sunset at the local lake, eating yummy fresh cherry tomatoes from the garden like they are candy, listening to the sound of dogs barking, cicadas in the trees, and children playing and squealing with joyful delight. There is nothing like the smell of a fresh cut lawn or someone bbq-ing. And I know it's humid here in the Midwest in August I don’t’ care! It's not -3 degrees. I'll take hot and humid any August day. All I need is a hat, a soccer-mom chair, and sunglasses. I go find a tree, some water and then enjoy a nice cold beverage. Life is good!!  I'm not ready to turn in my flip flops yet! August is when I pause and take in the last experiences of summer before it's over. 

All these present moments are brought to you by The Pause!

Part-1 Mawage, That Bwessed Awangment

The Clergyman: Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage, that bwessed awangment

It started out as an innocent conversation. I was telling Rich that I was thinking about the concept of actual flaws versus perceived flaws because of my crooked sunglasses and spatula feet (but that’s another story). In a few weeks, we’ll be married for 25-years. Flaws and Quirks: This is a conversation that all married couples should have, right?

 Over lunch I said, “Lets talk about our flaws and quirks—what’s perceived and what’s actual.” He just tilted his head like a dog and said, “Huh?”

Besides, I was in an open-minded mood and felt prompted within my spirit to practice setting the ego aside to listen. I promised him it was safe. We were in a public restaurant and I wouldn’t walk out or throw anything. (Not that I’ve ever done that….publicly.) We both laughed at how potentially dangerous this could be, but took a deep breath in and began to share honestly and boldly.

 Rich talked first about me. “Okay, your flaws? You are ‘ruthlessly’ honest. If you think you should say something, if you are upset, you feel obligated, compelled—in fact, you cannot NOT say something. On a scale of 1-10, you are a probably a 6 now. You used to be a ‘ruthlessly’ honest 10. You’ve gotten better. Others may perceive you as being blunt. Often you give the unvarnished truth and then you wonder why people get upset. This bluntness is a frequent flaw. I’d say it’s compulsive.”

I smiled and nodded and said, “Continue.” 

  “Another flaw?” he questioned. “Well, sometimes you can be irritable. 95 to 98% of the time you’re chilled, easy going, etc., but when you are under stress or pressure, if you’re running late, if people are coming over, or you’re trying to do 5 things at one time, you can be really irritable…touchy. And if I’m nearby you’ll likely blame it on me. And if I try to calm you down, it’s even worse.  I interjected, “Telling me not to be upset only makes me more upset, you know?” “Yes, I know that now. I’ve learned after 25 years. But that too has gotten better, and it’s only under certain conditions.”

 “Should I continue?” Rich asked. “You have gotten much better at saying ‘I’m sorry’, but you’re still a bit like Fonzie. It doesn’t come easy. Sometimes, you won’t often actually say the words, it's more like I just notice you’re talking to me again later in the day after an argument, which is your way of saying I’m sorry.” I cringed. “I always felt guilty about not saying I’m sorry more. You’re so good at it. Saying I’m sorry felt like the most vulnerable thing in the world. I know when I’m wrong. But it was too scary to hear myself say that out loud. I was more prideful too when I was younger. It’s a learned family flaw handed down generationally.” 

“Oh, and something else!” He was on a roll now.  He was getting comfortable, almost freewheeling with the flaws record. At this point, I assured our waitress that we were not fighting.

  I smirked and he said, “It’s very rare, but very real--when you are really mad, you can be completely irrational. I’d say maybe once a month you’re irritable, but twice a year you are irrational. It’s takes a perfect storm of circumstances building up, but when that happens, it’s like an electric pole got knocked over, and the high-tension wire snapped, and now there’s a live wire whipping around uncontrollably. It can be hard when you’re like that because I don’t know how to handle it. So I cut a wide path. If not handled right on those rare occasions, it’s like high-voltage…it could be deadly.” “Well, your still alive today, and nothing was ever thrown at your head. I didn’t kill you, so it couldn’t be that bad?”

 I was feeling pretty positive about my maturity to listen to Rich tell me some of my flaws without wanting to walk out of the restaurant. And so I mentioned, “What about my habit of being controlling?”

“Oh yeah, I forgot that one. That’s the biggest one. That trumps the others.”

“What do I control?”

[Pause] “Everything!”

“Geez, everything?”

“Everything! The room temperature, the remote control, driving the car.”

“Yeah, but it’s only fair, because you got to drive the first 22 years of our marriage. We have an egalitarian marriage.”

“It’s more than that. You hate being a passenger. You’re the ultimate back-seat driver. You control our social calendar. Even the direction of the toilet paper has to be the way you like it. If I'm cooking, you have to tell me how much oil to use or not use. It’s endless.” 

“Yeah, but I only control things because you have no need for order in your life. Things don’t matter to you. I know I will pick that towel up eventually, but you’d just leave it there. You don’t even notice when I throw stuff out. Somebody has to be in control?” (At this point I realized that control was a hot button issue because I was trying so hard to justify my behavior. I didn’t even blink when he told me the other flaws.)

Rich continued, “Did I mention that you’re co-dependent too?”

I quipped, “Did I mention that you always have to be right?”

He took the hint.

“That about covers it. And I still love you, and think you’re wonderful. It’s only because you asked. So now it’s your turn. What flaws do you see in me?”

 Ironically, I am actually pretty patient and accepting of Rich’s flaws. So I told him, “I can handle your flaws, it’s your quirks that drive my batty.” (This is what I meant by a perceived flaw versus an actual flaw.) 

So he helped by telling me his flaws, “What about my passivity?”

“Yes, that’s true, if I don’t tell you to do (most) things, you don’t even think about them--like your own kids or grandkids birthdays and gifts. I know you love everyone, but actions speak louder than words.”

 He continued, “And I’m always in my head!”

“Lord only knows what you’re thinking about? Most of the time I know it’s a song you’re thinking about because of your incessant tapping.”

“I’m non-confrontational in the extreme!”

“Isn’t that the truth?” I jeered. “There were hard conversations through the years that needed to happen with others. But you were always the good cop (Everyone Loves Raymond) so I had to be the bad cop. I spoke up, because you wouldn’t. If you’re upset with someone you will say things to me behind their back how you’re really feeling, but you won’t say it to their faces.”

“Yeah, I know.” He said.

 One of his flaws came to me finally. I said, “You’re a total goof-off and don’t plan for the future. I think that comes from your religious fundamentalist days, when you thought Jesus was going to return next week or sooner. The future just doesn’t matter to you. Nothing matters. Okay, that’s your biggest flaw, nothing bothers you. Not even me! I’d never put up with me!”

 In a moment of humility, He said, “I think I can be egotistical too. I can dominate a conversation, because I think I like to hear myself talk. I am often processing out loud, and in doing so I hog the conversation. I think pretty highly of myself sometimes and I know it.” 

I didn’t add anything. It was an honest moment and I didn’t want to beat him up for his flaw. I’ll wait until we get to his quirks. I just nodded, “yeah, I see that from time to time. But like I said, I can handle your flaws, easier than your quirks.”  

 Rich responded by saying, “I think that’s because many of my flaws—passivity, non-confrontational, etc.—have a positive side. What I mean is, when you and I are in an argument you’re probably glad I give in easily, and when you’re having a bad day or being difficult you’re probably glad I don’t confront you. So being non-confrontational looks like a fault when I don’t confront others, but it is a virtue when I’m non-confrontational with you. But that’s probably me trying to justify my flaw.”

 “Right. Like me saying I’m not blunt I just want to be honest about a problem that needs to be addressed or put on the table. Or I’m not controlling, I just want to make sure things get done or there is order. This is how we live with ourselves. We look at our weaknesses as strengths.”

 ‘Maybe that’s what real love is—learning to see the strengths in each others flaws.’

 “Okay, but let’s talk about quirks. That’s what really gets to me. It drives me crazy when you tap incessantly, whistling songs from 1940’s, touching your face, using your seminar hands while talking about anything, recounting conversations with others you’ve been upset with and chatting to me about the other person in the second person  (‘‘’you’ shouldn’t act like that…….”) and people think you are talking about me. Talking with your mouth full…..it’s endless. Oh, and it bugs me how you clear your throat constantly, how you grossly underestimate how long something will be (5 minutes turns into 20 minutes), how you groan all the time, and how you daily complain about little things like the heat, or that you’re tired, or that you have aches and pains. Whew, glad I got that off my chest!”

He said acceptingly, “You’ve got me there. I’m a whiner. I think that’s a flaw, not a quirk. But I just do that with you. Nobody else would know that. I need to stop doing that.”

 We both laughed. The waitress looked relieved and asked if we wanted dessert.

 This is where he turns into ‘Mr. Op-to-Mistic-Man’ (always looking to spin a negative into a positive).

 “But when it’s just a quirk, not an actual flaw, maybe it is your impatience that is the problem, not my quirk?”

“No”, I insisted, “it’s a quirk!”

Trying to persuade me he says, “I have always tried to see your quirks as endearing. The way you are always planning (and 3 steps ahead), the way you make to-do lists….and not just for yourself but for others. Like if someone is going to dog-sit Fred, you not only leave a to-do list, but post-it notes to indicate where his dog food is and times to feed him; and a post-it note to remember to close the door so Fred doesn’t get out, etc. I think that is cute. Others might think that was OCD! And your germaphobia, rather than let it annoy me, I try to recognize the motive behind it and actually try to view it as a good reminder to me to be conscientious about germs.” “How often do you get sick?” I questioned. “Not too often. But if you could put me in a hazmat suit after being out of town for a few nights, you would.”

“Only you know how quirky I am about germs.”

“Everyone knows how quirky you are about germs!”

 It was a rare but good conversation. I think we did pretty good talking about our flaws and quirks. I’m not sure every couple could do that. Nobody got hurt. We’d gladly do another 25-years together if God allows.

  We both agreed our flaws probably have a logical explanation. Like, I probably naturally control things because I was the firstborn and always in charge of my brothers. If my little brothers wanted to do something a different way, they were messing with the divine order of things. It’s probably why I thought I should be a queen.

 Rich was probably passive growing up because he was the youngest and just naturally gave in (being a twin), and accepted the way things were. His life was easy being the baby of the family.

As we walked out of the restaurant I noted, “The only way were similar with our flaws and quirks is we both procrastinate, and we both leave the stove on.”

Rich said, “When you think about it, it is good that we’re the opposite of each other in many ways, because we complement each others weaknesses.” [Thinking to myself: I really need to come up with a theme song to hum every time he starts doing his Op-to-Mistic Man.]

I smiled and said, “There’s no doubt that we are both better people because we have been open to coming to the middle with each other.”

“Yep, kind of like the scene in Rocky when he explains to Paulie why he likes Adrian, ‘she’s got gaps, I got gaps, and together we fill gaps.”

He starts to whistle the Rocky Theme song.

“Great, now I’ve got that song in my head!”

 Aug 7^th 2013 will be our 25^th Anniversary, so I’ll blog next month Part 2 Marwage- Wuv, tru wuv  and talk about our strengths and blessings. 

 After 25 years of marriage one of the secrets is learning to even see the flaws and quirks as a good thing. Marriage is two imperfect people learning to bring out the best in each other by recurring cycles of conflict, forgiveness, and growth. 

By the way, if our grandkids ever get ahold of this blog, they’ll realize that their grandparents weren’t oblivious to all their faults. We just thought we’d lay it out there so you heard it from us first (or second).