Thanks-giving

For many people the holidays are hard. It could be that they subconsciously avoid all the possible expectations that they could never meet with their past and present family, so they stay away or wish they could stay away. Why bother? Like a dog, they know when they are truly welcome from the heart.  We know whose glad to see us, who wants us in the pictures that they’ll post of Facebook. We know who smiles to your face but is talking behind your back.  For some, there is disappointments that go all the way back to childhood. I get it. Why set yourself up for more rejection or judgment?

In my family of origin (on both sides), Thanksgiving was met with little emotional thanks giving. The turkey was more carefully sliced up then the cutting comments behind each other’s back. As a kid, watching this had a profound affect on me. I couldn’t understand why my relatives were together if they didn’t like each other?  My grandmother told me. “We came for you kids.” While that was a nice gesture Gram, the negative energy leading up to and after was not worth it. ‘We kids’ would have been better off woofing down turkey dinner than going off to play our kid game of ‘Battleship’ in our rooms. It would have been better then watching real ‘family cold war battleship’ played out before our eyes with silence or side ways glances. What you all wanted to say but didn't was “F-U. YOU SUNK MY BATTLESHIP!!!”  For years I’d hear behind each others backs: “You made runny Jell-O.  You set out cold cuts instead of making us a holiday meal! You didn’t invite me to Thanksgiving at the restaurant!  You did this, you did that! You said this, you said that! Your mother this, your mother that!” REALLY, PEOPLE? I was 6 years old; I knew something was wrong in our family; and not just at the holidays. All of familial elders modeled divisive discord, gossip, and judgment to my brothers before we learned it out in the real world.  There were no dishes of kindness, acceptance, love served around our holiday dinner table. There was no pleasing anyone! 

To this day, many of them will go to their graves arguing for the right-to-be-right and won’t speak to each other. They would rather ‘be right than be in relationship’. Not a single one of them know how to forgive! And I have to be honest, that makes me both mad and sad. Thanks for the psychic scars, thanks for pretending to be a family when you really hated each other. My brothers and I were the bumper shock absorber of all the family discord each holiday. We felt it, making every childhood holiday tense and depleting. This probably explains my hesitancy going into the holiday season. I internally brace myself for someone being upset with me or somebody else. 

I’m all about Thanksgiving. I live for the stuffing and the pumpkin pie. My favorite part is left over turkey sandwiches the-day-after with butter and pepper. Don’t ask, I have no idea why either. Maybe it’s all I have left of my childhood memory of the holiday that taste good?

I once acted like a total ass with my brother’s Mike and Rich while in AZ during Thanksgiving.  We were at a restaurant and a waitress spilled an entire drink onto my brother. He was rattled and the waitress was rattled. I could see how upset my brother Mike was and the fear of a ruined gathering came flooding to my mind. Then my other brother, Rich,  (not to be confused with my husband Rich) started to nag about the service of this already poor rattled waitress. I could feel my blood pressure rising from a dormant well of childhood feelings. I couldn’t scream then “BE NICE!” But I could now. I was getting pissed that our only time together was turning into the meal from hell. I just wanted my brothers to stop having bad feelings. I wanted everyone to be happy. Why? Because when they are upset, it affects me. There you have it! I want everyone to be happy! I want Norman Rockwell damn-it! So being the wise older sister, I told them all off (at the table and later in an obnoxious, self-righteous email). They don’t know what to do with me sometimes. I’m both the bossy sister and the peacemaker. I boss them into being peaceful. It’s pretty twisted. 

When my husband, Rich, and I argue, our dog Fred will start running around the house barking uncontrollably. He first pretends he’s barking at something outside, but we soon figured out that Fred's just upset that we are upset. That is what I did with my brothers at the restaurant. I don’t do well when other people are angry. It bursts my carefully crafted bubble of ‘niceness’. I start internally barking and circling, panicked with the intense energy of others disappointment of me and others. This probably explains why at the core of my being, I’m a true hippy: ‘All We Need Is Love’, sang the Beatles. And if I can’t have sincere love while around others then I want to be away from everyone. I don’t want others to just be kind to me, I want them to be nice to EVERYONE at the table: No gossip, no backbiting, no snarky comments, no cold shoulder, and no defensiveness, no past shit! For the love of RINGO, let it go!

I had some clean up to do after that Thanksgiving in AZ two years ago. I was especially proud of my brother Mike and I. We sorted out our feelings through 5 emails back and forth. I felt so grown up. We didn’t cut each other off (which is what people do in my family). Mike and I gave each other permission to be scared, human, flawed, and vulnerable. We heard each other out and then moved on. Do you know that it was the first time in the history of my family that two people rationally talked things out? It was HUGE!

My brother Rich and I have some more sorting out to do (but this time it has nothing to do with that Thanksgiving visit). Rich needs to own his part, but for ‘my part’ of the present breakdown, still has everything to do with me being the bossy sister who wants peace and tries to fix her broken world. I can trace it all back to my need for everyone to just be kind to each other, to put the past aside, to love, to forgive. Yet, in life, it doesn’t work that way. We can’t control how other people feel or behave. I need to allow other people permission to just ‘be’. We each have our own pain and how we react to it is personal. This is how I react to it; I am the ‘nice police’. And it all started because of the holidays. 

I miss my brother Rich very much. He’s a good guy. But we have a very complicated family that has set us up for some nuclear fusion of emotions. Our goals and personality get in the way of our desired objective for world dominance or family peace. I don’t care about being right. I just care about being in relationship! 

You will always be my brother and I love you Rich. And even though on some level history is repeating itself and we can’t have Thanksgiving together, I still give thanks for you!

Kim was a Bullfrog

Jeremiah was a bullfrog, was a good friend of mine. I never understood a single work he said, but I helped him to drink his wine. And he always had some mighty fine wine.   ~Three Dog Night, Joy To the World.

I love that song. I don’t know why but I do. Maybe it’s because it has a quality of grace and celebration of friendship? Whoever Jeremiah was, his friend accepted him for being a bullfrog. The fact that they drink wine together and sing a blessing to the whole world makes it all the more better.  I even want this song played at my funeral. Seriously!

I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship as I drove 1600 miles round trip from IL to NJ and back again. I just spent a celebration weekend with my dear friend, Pam Stoy.  It was my birthday. Pam has always known how to make her friends feel loved. It’s a gift. She excels at domestic goddess-ness. Pam and I were neighbors for five years when I first got married in 1988. We were young and passionate; trying to figure out life as women. We took long walks and kicked stones as we pondered politics and our ever-changing plump thighs (which were hardly plumb back then. You don’t appreciate what we have when you’re young). We wondered why guys were clueless, and why people we loved didn’t ‘get us’ at times. We tried to solve the world’s problems over glasses of wine (and ice cream). Pam probably never understood a single word I said either.  I was the bullfrog of the friendship.

When I was 22, someone posed the question: Who will come to your funeral, and what would they say about your character? I remember that stuck with me at such a young age. I didn’t think there would be many at my funeral, but I hoped they’d say nice things. I had hope that I would make a difference and leave a legacy of love behind. I remember I decided then that I would learn how to become a good friend. I have made my share of mistakes through the years in the friendship department. I know I've let people down and said things I shouldn't. I regret the impulsive arrogant boldness of my youth. But over all, I’d give myself high marks today. My friends know I love them and would give a kidney, take a hill, and even take a bullet if necessary. I’m as loyal as a Labrador. And at this stage, they also know that whatever they say, it's duly noted and may end up in a novel (the names will be changed to protect the guilty). Even when time passes or we don’t live or work in proximity to each other, it doesn’t take away my affection. Proverbs 17:17-A friend loves at all times.

Someone once said, “You’ll be the same person you are in five years except for the books you read and the people you hang around with.” I have to be honest, there were a few friends along the way I had to say goodbye to. I’m sure some said goodbye to me as well. However, I know that I wouldn’t be the person I am today without weaving the better parts of others into the fabric of my being-these sacred threads of friendship and experience. 

Turning 47 this week has got me thinking about how far I’ve come. Truth be told, I've come a long way. And I've gotten this far because I was wise enough to surround myself with amazing friends of different backgrounds whom I could glean from. 

Sometimes, not all the time, family lets you down. In my case, God knew that what I lacked in the family unconditional love department, He’d make up 100x with friendships that were lasting, accepting, and sincere. Blood may be thicker than water, but love is a choice-whether they are family or not. Much of the heartbreak in my life has been over family. My friends have seen me through the years as I’ve sought to figure out the complexity of life. They have seen me redline emotionally, swollen face by the ugly cry, unable to move past a problem for a season. And they have seen me pee my pants while laughing hysterically (something that happens the older we all get). They know my fears of germs, crossing bridges, snakes, and being alone when I'm old. My oddities and quirks seem amusing.  

I’ve been known for my War & Peace length emails, so I will spare you. But I do want to share what has been passed on to me by a few of my companions. I’ll only mention a few friends. I wish I could mention everyone. 

Deb is my Sisterchick who taught me to value myself. She is an outstanding mom. Deb mirrors God’s grace and acceptance to me no matter what stupid things I’ve done or said: past, present, or future. I’ve been given permission to be myself around her. 

Peaches, Lisa, and Sandi have some history (dirt) on me. It’s fun to walk down memory lane with these crazy gals. When I’m around them, my spirit wants to dance on the table and party. And they know I would if given the chance. 

Kris taught me how to be a devoted wife. I was married 5 years when Kris came into my life to model commitment to marriage and going the distance. Just in the nick of time, thank God! There are very few women in the world who truly honor their husband through ups and downs with a sweet attitude. 

Steve taught me to drink real wine, re-think my politics, and how to to laugh myself. 

Steve’s sense of humor is unmatched. No matter how unpredictable life can be (like when his son developed leukemia and needed a bone marrow transplant), Steve finds humor in most things after the crying has passed--with God’s help. Karen has spoken truth to me when I didn’t want to hear it. We should all surround ourselves with people who will tell us when we’re ‘full of crap’ and need to take another look at a situation because God’s not finished with us yet. 

Whatever Patti puts her mind to, she does with excellence. The creative side of me resonates with her creative side. Patti has a keen eye and an even sharper perspective on life that others don’t often see or appreciate. 

Bohemian Jessie is an intuitive empathic. She loves those that are broken and forgotten in life. Because she loves Jesus, that simple truth motivates Jessie to give herself to others and the One who loves her completely. Bonnie is my biggest cheerleader. I can see Bonnie’s pom-poms from wherever I’m sitting up in the balcony. Bonnie taught me how to be a better encourager.   

Kimmie is bawdy, sassy, and has more compassion and justice in her soul than anyone I know. She aches for those who are under-resourced and marginalized. If she could, Kimmie would smack injustice upside the head. I want to stand up and march right along side of her. 

Once in a while, when I need to open up, I’ll say, “If you really knew me, you’d know _______________________________.” It’s a great icebreaker. I don’t do shallow very well. Talking about the weather and my latest ailment bore me too. I want to know EVERYTHING about you, and I want you to know me too. Isn’t that what life is about anyway? Don’t we all want to be known? It takes risk and intention to be the 'authentic-true-you' with those God brings into your life. 

When I met Susie, I liked her instantly. Her laugh and hospitality were contagious. I could walk into her house and she’d give me a room, the car, and tell me to make myself comfortable. That meant I had refrigerator rights. I have a standing invitation to come and be family. Our conversations go deep quickly. That kind of intimacy can create fear. I told Susie within weeks of us becoming fast friends, “I am going to disappoint you, let’s just get that out of the way now. In fact, we’ll both disappoint each other.”  And we have had one or two fleeting puzzling moments. But that honestly has only made us closer because we didn't retreat, we talk and then moved on. Susie has taught me to be real and raw and how not to hide your hurts. Life is too short to pretend. 

Friendship is about genuine trust, chemistry, and camaraderie. We give our hearts to another in hopes that they will ‘Get Us’ and want to stick around and do life together from time to time. It’s about ‘give and take’ as we invest in each other. I’m thankful for those who will remain my ‘life-long relationships’, and for how they have transformed me. My friends have seen me through my darkest hours and my brightest days. Ecclesiastes 4:9-11 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friends can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!

I’m here today because of my friends. I look forward to many more years of drinking glasses of wine and singing at the top of my lungs, ‘Joy to the World’. 

Leggo My Ego

“There is nothing wrong with change, if it is in the right direction.” ~Winston Churchill.

Have you ever been forced by life to do ‘the hard thing’ you didn’t want to do? Of course you have. I’d be curious to know what the hard thing is in your life that is forcing you into personal growth--towards greater acceptance of ‘what is’.

I have to be honest, I don’t like change: I don’t like to change my hair, I don’t like to change the clock for Daylight Savings, I don’t like take my car in to change the oil. And those are EASY things to change. You’d think by now I’d know that ‘Resistance is Futile’ because change is usually compulsory. I wish I had the attitude and maturity that takes-on whatever comes my way: Put on my ‘change hat or change shoes’ and just accessorize the hell out of change and work it. The problem with change is my unwillingness to give change an open invitation to my life before it arrives.

Dear Change, I would love for you to stop by sometime; I know deep down in the recesses of my soul that some ‘Change’ in life is good. But truthfully, I’m busy right now. When you show up, well, my life feels out of control. You probably don’t mean to do that. But I get pretty tipped over when you start requiring me to lean into the unavoidable. I’m planning on a change in the future but prefer if you wait for my invitation before stopping by. When you get my formal request that I’m wide open to your delightful company, please RSVP so I’ll know your really coming. Please don’t take this personal, it’s not you, it’s me.

Yep it’s ALL me. I want to know outcomes because I’m a control freak and I don’t like emotional pain. Change is typically uncertain. Sometimes we have the luxury of creating our own change. When that happens it’s exhilarating. I once tagged along on a ministry jaunt to California to check out another church that was doing some amazing Pastoral Community Care Outreach in their community. Every day was filled with new ideas, laughter, and new friendships. By the time I left, I was offered a job. Everything in my spirit said, “YES!” I went home, walked in the door and said to Rich, “How would you like to move to California?” To this day, it was the craziest thing he ever let me talk him into. Three months later we ‘loaded up the truck and moved to Bev-er-ly.’ Not really Beverly, but that was the song we sang driving across country with our life packed up in boxes. The next year in CA was full of change; some good change, some not so good. We were back home in IL a year later. It was truly one of the most fascinating times of my adult life. It was like I was in a Hothouse of growth. I learned so much about myself. During that season of my life, all that change seemed serendipitous in nature; there wasn’t much internal resistance.

I tell myself that even though I don’t like change, what’s the alternative: run from it, ignore it, stay stuck, be miserable, or bore people with my incessant complaining? My typical conditioned style of dysfunctional behavior is to run, ignore, and complain. If I stay in that place long enough, I even start annoying myself. If you hang around me you should slap me, like Cher in Moonstruck, “Snap out of it!’

When I get like that I HAVE to get quite and still. I have to stop thinking, or at least slow down the stream of thought. When I do, a scary but loving voice of truth arises from within: You have to go to the hard place Kim. You can’t do it alone. You’re going to have to face your fears of failure, rejection, you’re going to have to listen to others opinions of you that may or may not be fair-minded, you’re going to have to accept the outcome, you’re going to have to probably admit you blew it in some areas. This time the change you want is probably going to make you and others around you very uncomfortable. It’s not that the necessary change that’s coming is bad, it’s nobody likes change (including yourself.) So prepare yourself. Oh GEEZ! REALLY? Can’t I just opt for a lobotomy or move to Peru and call it a day?

The tag line for the old Kellogg’s commercial, “Leggo My Eggo” reminds me to leggo my ego. I don’t like change because I am pretty attached to my ego. My ego wants to protect my fragile sense of self, and wants to make my life comfortable and pain-free.  My ego is a brat. The reason I don’t like change and indulge my ego is fear.

So I don’t know what current change you’re going through (relationships, finances, health, etc.) but at the end of the day (or blog) you have a few choices: Life can either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted, it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted.” ~Unknown.

My responds to posting Jon Stewart on FB and your questions

Go to the Daily Show website to see the video (8/19/10) I posted called EXTREMIST HOMELAND MAKEOVER about the Muslim Mosque controversy if you're not on facebook to see why I wrote this. 

Sorry Facebook Friends!! This was too long to respond as a follow up comment on Facebook, so I decided to put it on my blog. It was the only way I could answer your questions after posting the Jon Stewart video on Facebook. Thanks for the comments (and for not de-friending me.) Haha! Me of little faith, I thought for sure it would happen. Facebook is not normally a place of tolerance when it comes to religion or politics. I keep my mouth shut on a lot of things believe it or not. :-) 

Here goes: I know I'm not going to change anyone's mind. I just wanted to express my heart about the Muslim Mosque controversy, as you expressed yours. 

I appreciate your concerns and understand the sensitivity. REALLY I DO!! But I think 9 years later; we should recognize that those who are American Muslims did NOT cause the tragedy on 9/11. (Any other thinking is fear-based.) And to my relief (9 years ago), our country didn't start persecuting or vilifying ALL American Muslims after we found out who started all this: Osama Bin Laden. (It was one of our finest hours.) Instead, our country recognized that they had to affect justice by going after those who were radical fanatical Muslims. (And so, two wars began, justice was issued!) Although, I cried when the wars started, not just for the losses our country would suffer, but also for the old men, women, and children, who had to listen to bombs falling around them in Iraq and Afghanistan. They must have horrified. They did NOTHING to deserve what was happening. In our lifetime, WE in America have never had to go to sleep listening to sirens blasting or bombs falling night after night. Being the evolving pacifist that I am, all I could think of was that song I grew up listening as a kid, "WAR! Was is it good for? Absolutely NOTHING!!" I believe that to the core of my being! That doesn't limit my respect for our soldiers who were sent over to do the job their president asked them to do. I know freedom comes with a price. It just makes me sad that is the only way to get freedom. 

To Patti’s and Lori’s point, Thank you for recognizing that American Muslims died too on 9/11. We weep and mourn together and want something better. This mosque could do much to continue the healing our country needs and bring understanding between cultures. 

To Carol’s question, I do think Muslims are a peaceful religion? Like Christians and Jews, they’ve had their times of war and violence. I believe when every culture and religion doesn't have understanding, when egos get in the way, war will ensue past, present, and future! War is never going to end until we check what's in our hearts; until we recognize the the violence in our own heart; untill we see there is something within us that is driven to be right and to control!

This mosque that the American Muslims want to build is also a community center. And this mosque is NOT going to be built INSIDE the fallen replacement towers that will one day be built. This mosque is very near ground zero (within blocks). And they are American Muslims. To Steve's point, you are right buddy, Congress (our constitution) has already established by law their right to peaceably assemble. With all this talk, why are we trying to UNDO our constitution by preventing it? To Carol's point, nobody is claiming victory here but radical nut cases or the media speculating or beating that sad horse. The Muslim people are not stupid. They know they are not welcome and worse are vilified as a people/faith of violence. I'm sure they are sensitive and they is why they have waited 9 years. 

 You and I have never had that kind of racism directed at us as White Americans. Again, that is what the media is doing. And I could puke each time I hear it stated! It is FEAR BASED BULL S*#T! And the sick part is American’s are buying into this and listening to what is on TV and talk radio 24/7. Muslim Americans have the right to worship, as do Jews, Japanese, Germans, Russians, etc. These American Muslims have been in New York, respectably, already near ground zero for years. They just want to build a nicer place to worship and do community life. The reason I'm so upset is because if we take away their rights, my rights could one day be taken away if we don't abide by the law. Nobody is safe if we mess with our constitution. If our own Chicago Sear's Tower or John Hancock were bombed by terrorist radicals of any race, I'd want the better side of mankind to prevail. It would be okay if good things we're happening nearby. Let the healing begin. 

When I was growing up, I was a typical white American Anglo Catholic kid. We lived in a relatively mixed religious town of both Jews and Catholics. I never felt the slightest judgment towards my Jewish friends. I sang Jewish songs in school, recognized Jewish holidays, and occasionally was invited over for a Jewish event (although, I’ve always been bummed that nobody invited me to a bar mitzvah. ☹) There were only a few Blacks and Hispanics in my community. Again, I never had any prejudice towards any culture or religious minority. I've NEVER understood racism in any form, and will stand up to it all day long! The way we were raised in Buffalo Grove, racism was never justified-no matter what. I also knew that I wasn't any better than any other person (except my little brother Rich. But that's what siblings think as kids.) So like Steve mentioned about the little Mexican girl who came up to him in school asking why do people hate her, that breaks my heart. I think about what it must be like for Muslim or Mexican school children in this country today. OMG!! I can't imagine how horrible it must feel to have fears because of their race or religion. Have we forgotten what’s like to put ourselves in other people’s shoes? Have we forgotten that we too came to this country by ways and means? I can't imagine what it's like for them to go to school under such intolerance in our country. And I'll say it again, it's very damaging psychologically. It's getting worse if you watch the news. Growing up, Walter Cronkite didn't spew his opinions on the Vietnam War, the President, or any racial injustice happening, he just gave the news (just the facts). Thank God!!! The opinions on the news today are forming hateful ideologies that are unhealthy and damaging to our countries soul! I thought we were better than that? I seriously want to throw up when I watch Fox News. Brian Williams on World News Report doesn't spew his opinions, he gives the news and facts of the day. And because it's all gotten so out of hand, I'll watch Jon Stewart because his satire makes me laugh when I want to weep. And sometimes, he NAILS the heart of our hypocrisy no matter what side of the fence you're on. 

So to Pam's point, 'we've come a long way baby', but still have a long way to go with equal right for women in the world. So do many (if not all) of the Muslim countries.My grandma was the original single parent, as was my great-grandmother (both being widowed). She watched women gain their rights as women and find their place in the work place. Only in my lifetime have women recently gained strides in equal rights in the workplace and at home (that's not a long time in the history of our country-it's pretty recent, I'm only 46 years old). I agree (and so would many many Muslim women) that women's rights need to be established throughout Muslim countries, and the world (in China, Russia, to the ends of the earth). In our lifetime, women are just now finding their voice and establishing their equal rights all over the world. Change is happening slowly. Many nations have horrible things still done to young girls that are unthinkable, not just Muslim countries. In our own country, there is violence done to our own children: rape, murder, molestation, physical abuse, etc. Our prisons are filled with offenders. Our own people do unthinkable things to children. To Dave's point, it's the nature of sin in mankind. (I hate to point out that men cause most violence of every race, but it's a fact. Sorry guys.) And let's not forget our own countries breach birth history. In order to over throw a undeveloped country, we MASSACURED American Indians: women, children, and their elderly. We have forgotten our flawed beginnings and have painted nice stories to make it all justifiable. Yet we built temples and churches all over American Indian's sacred grounds without the media attention back then! They had no rights, no voice. 

To your question Carol, do I think all roads lead to God. I hope so. But I'm not God, and thank goodness His love, grace, and mercy knows no bounds towards color, race, or religion. I've been a Christian since I was 18. In the past, I've been very narrow-minded and I'm embarrassed by my judgment. (I also see it in other Christians and it concerns me. It is so UN-Christ like.) Jesus was the biggest loving-radical of them all, and he turned the religious establishment upside down. He was for women's right, freedom of worship, and the right to be healed. He also saw the big picture and knew the heart of man was to keep the little guy down and oppress (even his own people), so he encouraged people to 'follow him'. He was about setting people free. He turned the law on their heads. Awesome! So if you're asking if I think people of other faith can find God? Yes I do. In fact, I know many who have a heart for God who are not 'like me'. Their faith is real and so is God in their lives. I'd feel pretty arrogant if I say, "NO, GOD ISN'T IN THEIR LIVES!" I just don't see that. He is present and loves them. We were ALL created in HIS IMAGE. We have forgotten that. 

This is where I'm at in my life. I've been in ministry. I know the evangelical talk, and have walked the evangelical walk. My faith in Christ hasn't changed; only my desire to see  understanding that God is alive and well in other religions and cultures too. I feel called to start breaking bread with people of other faiths, in the hope that we can build peace and understanding. Then maybe we'll all find salvation because we loved the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength. And loved our neighbor as ourselves.  I pray that God’s love and peace will spread THROUGH US will. This is what God calls ALL MEN AND WOMEN OF FAITH TO DO. If we’d spend less time hating and judging or pushing our agendas, it can happen. It's a start........

Life's Mindful Moments: Looking Up

Once in a while things don’t go our way. Ha! Okay, more than once in a while. And when it doesn't, it kind of sucks. We don’t like discomfort, being dissed, or feeling discarded. There is no getting around the fact that people disappoint us (and yes, we disappoint too). We’re left with this nagging feeling, “Huh, is this personal or just circumstantial?” We carry it around in our chest, shoulders, throat, belly, (for me it’s my hips because I’ll start to eat. I know what your thinking, “Wow, she must have a lot of disappointment!” I have recently but I’m working on not letting things bother me so much). Sometimes the thoughts in our head are like cicadas making that summer background sound that doesn’t go away.

 I came outside to sit and get still because I have a tinge of hurt that’s hanging around in my head. Someone didn’t return the phone call or email that I needed to hear back from. Someone bailed on getting together. Two valuable things broke and now need to be replaced. It is easy to allow our discouraged thoughts to hover like humidity in Chicago. We all know how draining that can be in July. 

I think cardinals are handsome birds. If I’m out on a walk and I hear one singing, I'll pause to look up and try to spot him. As much as I love watching birds, I could never be an ornithologist. I bet they have neck problems. This morning I was trying to get quiet and just meditate on the summer sounds. A striking red fella flew into the back yard. I didn't need to crane my neck to see him because he was on our driveway—which was unusual to see him on the ground. He grabbed a small leaf, about the size of a nickel, and looked like he was eating it (maybe an insect was on it). I watched and thought, “What are you doing on the driveway, you’re suppose to be up in a tree. You’re not meant to eat leaves, you’re suppose to feast on seeds and worms.” A few moments later he flew to a low branch on the nearest tree.  "Now there you go fella, now you’re moving up.” 


I smiled at natures little life analogy for me this morning: I’m not meant to dwell on these low-level thoughts either (I’m suppose to look up, right?). I can’t change the disappointing things that happen. I need to get off the ground and just move to a higher place within—a place where my ego doesn’t drag me down and make everything personal. Eventually the cardinal flew away. Right then I realized that I too need to let these thoughts just fly away—let'em go and move on.  


Following my breath a while longer anchored me back to the present moment. I said some prayers of blessing for those that I felt disappointed by. That usually gets me back on track—allowing me to let go of these feelings that only hold me captive to the past—even if the past was 12 hours ago. Accepting ‘things as they are’ goes a long way to keeping me sane. It takes time to watch the birds and watch my what my obsessive brain is up to, but it’s worth it--worth the peace within. Maybe later today I'll spot another cardinal. He'll be in a better place (high up in the trees) and so will I (in my mind). 

 Oh and if I haven’t called you back or returned and email, it’s not personal. Just, ‘my bad.’ 

Furry Entertainment

I am one of the estimated 77.5 million dog owners in America. Of course like the old Ken-L-Ration dog food commercial, I sing with utter conviction that “My dog‘s better than your dog!” Fred is my hairy-child (sorry, Kev, you left home so there’s a new Alpha Dog in the house). Fred has me wrapped around his furry little paw. Fred is a Soft Coated Wheaten Terrier, which means he has silky hair and I secretly resent that I shed more than him. I admit I’m easily amused but nobody makes me smile like Fred. I don’t know what it is about Fred that reduces me to a babbling idiot when no one is looking: “Who’s the best boo puppy pup in the whole wide world?” I am also Fred’s interpreter. In my best dog-voice, I narrate on Fred’s behalf out loud throughout the day: “Oh my gosh, Kongs filled with peanut butter are my favorite thing.” “Ice cubes, can I have one? They’re my favorite!” “I don’t want to get off the bed. I was quite comfortable thank you very much.” “Oh, my gosh, going for a walk, that’s my favorite thing.”  “Did you see that Schnoodle? Dang, Poodles will do it with anybody. ” I even made up a song so he knows when we are going for a walk: We’re gonna go for a walk. We’re gonna go for a walk. We’re gonna go for a walk and talk as we go for a walk. We’re gonna go for walk. It’s a catchy little ditty and it gets Fred’s tail wagging. If by now you’re thinking I should be committed, been there, done that, the room has my name on the door. Fred just brings out the inner Doctor Doolittle in me (and they thought that guy was crazy too).   

Fred is a pretty relaxed dude as dogs go, except when he’s on a leash and another dog comes near– his inner Kujo kicks in – it’s embarrassing.  However, if you come over for a visit he will literally jump up for joy (full contact joy). “You came by to see me?  I’m so glad to see you; oh my gosh, you’re my favorite person in the whole world. Can you see how high I jump? Oh my gosh, let me give you a kiss.” He has no manners. When we go to the vet as soon as we walk in they say, “Crazy Fred!” He barks at every man, woman, child, and squirrel that comes by our house. I forgive Fred for his few faults because he’s so easy to be with 98% of the time. In my darkest hours he’s been there to let me cry on his shoulder. He watches TV with me. He’s super smart, and a great listener who never talks back. Fred is what I call a ‘near puppy’ he always has to be close by or on my lap-all 35-pounds of fluff. One of the benefits of being a dog owner is how they remind you to ‘lighten up, smile, and not feel guilty for taking naps. If you are paying attention, they can teach you how to live in the present moment.’ 

The only thing Fred can’t do is be off his leash. He’s a freakishly fast dog. I’ve watched him run in perpetual circles around doggie parks or as he races in my sister and brother-in-law’s fenced-in landscaped backyard with pure abandonment. “Here he comes he’s spinning around the tree, he’s leaping over the lawn chairs and small dogs, he’s sprinting towards the azaleas, he’s got a strong lead on anyone whose trying to catch him!” But by far, his favorite thing to do in the whole wide world (and he’ll tell you) is go for bike rides on his Walkie Dog-a long pole that attaches to a bike. It has been the greatest invention known to dog-kind. Fred loves it. I don’t even have to peddle the bike the first block because he’s running so hard (seriously). It is hilarious to see his wooly mammoth hair blowing in the wind. “Oh my gosh, biking is my favorite thing in the whole world. Did you see that Labadoodle? Sheesh, Poodles will do it with anyone!”

I think it’s pretty cool how God gave us a few domesticated pets (dogs in particular) to remind us to chill out and laugh more throughout our days. I’m telling you, Fred is free furry entertainment. Mostly he makes me smile. If I had to sum up Fred (in my subjective opinion) I’d say, Fred likes his life. And I like my life more because of Fred.

Side note: I’ll try to post a video of Fred here in this blog occasionally if I can figure out how to do that.

Balancing Extremes

  

I was very immature when I was young, and for me there was no balance. Everything was just all or nothing. ~Mickey Rourke

I can relate to Mickey. I had no balance in my life when I was young. I didn’t even know what balance was or that I should have it. I just did what I had to do for the people around me that I loved. That went along well for about 20+ years until one day I realized that something shifted. My life felt wobbly and unsteady. There were lots of reasons that factored into my lack of equilibrium (maybe I’ll write about that down the road--it’s actually best told over a bottle or two of wine).

I am by nature a woman of extremes - all or nothing: I hibernate all winter and want to explore all summer. I am either too hot or too cold. I’m a ridiculous coward when it comes to heights and reptiles, but beyond brave when it comes to facing bullies and BS-ers. I am a serious germ-a-phobic but have no problem with blood gushing or bones sticking out. (If there is a crisis, you want me there. However, if someone has the flu, a fever, a cold, or a cough, I’m secretly wishing I didn’t have to be within a football field from you - which is probably why I hibernate all winter. I once attended a church where they had sanitizer at the end of the pews; we were in complete theological and biological agreement). I can fast like a monk or feast like an Epicurean. I love socializing with people. However, I also have a contemplative and reclusive part of my personality.

These are just a few of my extremes. My friends and husband could provide you with a more comprehensive list. I’m honest enough to know that these things about me will never change. I’ve tried. I’m not fooling anyone. Lately I’ve been asking myself what is true balance: What is the ‘Middle Way’ when it comes to balance? How do I make peace with my extremeness and yet find balance in three areas: body, mind, and soul? At present, the hardest area to give grace and acceptance to is the physical part of my self. I’m more aware than ever that I’m getting older and this ‘ole body’ is changing-rapidly!

I used to teach aerobics back in the Jane Fonda days (which dates me). I often taught 2-3 classes a day and could live off of Snickers and Kit Kat bars, and not gain weight (oh the good old days). This was the beginning of my extreme eating, dieting, and exercising. I was young and naïve back then and had no idea what was coming. Not sticking around long enough to experience this herself, Marilyn Monroe once said, “Gravity catches up with all of us”. No kidding. Thanks for the heads up.

When you’re my age, our bodies start to talk back. First it’s polite and whispers with a little unexplained fatigue, then it whimpers with and ache that won’t go away for six months, and then screams at you like a insolent teenager shouting at you just because you exist. Next thing you know, you have serious symptoms that need prescription medicines that you don’t want to be taking and don’t really seem to help anyway. My body was persistent enough to find its voice and got my attention.

Since I didn’t have the energy to do step-aerobics anymore, and still struggled with getting off the legal crack-a.k.a sugar, I started doing yoga. Being that I’m sort of a hippy-dippy type, yoga seemed like something I would dig doing. Terri Guillemets said of the “bendy” activity, “I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for soft pretzels and world peace.” Terri and I could totally be friends. As for me, I’ve stuck with yoga. It’s taken me some time to lean into it, make it a routine, and now I love it. My body loves it. 

One of the fundamentals in yoga is balance. I quickly learned I didn’t have any. It took me six months to do a full tree pose – I mean arms gloriously reaching overhead holding the pose for a minute or two and breathing naturally. Just this pose alone was something that I had to be patient with because my body lost its flexibility and strength somewhere in the last decade. Oh I could whip the heel of my foot up into the corner of my thigh, but that didn’t mean I was in tree pose and was balanced. My mind was trying to attain perfection, but my body was screaming, “Um, you need to lose a few more pounds girlfriend!” Soon I was learning that the reason I couldn’t do tree pose wasn’t so much that I was curvaceous and flabby, it was because I was not balanced within my mind and soul. Instead, I was listening to a judgmental voice in my head and couldn’t accept my limitations and be content with who I was –now- in this moment. This mean-spirited voice for decades has tried to convince me that what I weigh is who I am as a whole. It is a shaming voice and it's a lie. I am not my weight! Sadly, too often I get tripped up and think I am. For example, if I’m hiding from the camera, I’m thinking negative thoughts and secretly terrified that you'll tag me on Facebook. 

I have a long history of being unkind to myself - seeing myself through a distorted lens – saying mean things that are not true. I can be so encouraging to others but unmerciful toward myself. In yoga, I learned a lesson I wish I had learned years ago: “NO EXPECTATIONS, NO COMPARISONS, NO JUDGMENT.” This knowledge would have helped me to be a better mother, lover, and friend. This insight has been the beginning of me finding balance in my life again. I haven’t arrived - stay tune for the continuing saga.

Even these past few weeks I’ve been beating myself up and neglecting kindness towards myself. After losing 40 pounds over the last year, I recently gained 15 back. I know why it happens. I lost my balance. I’m a woman of extremes: “Oooh, M-Dogs opened in McHenry, lets go!” or "Hmmm, sit by the lake or go bike off the Chicago Style hotdog and fries?"  The extreme of eating and loafing have kept me out of physical balance since May. The fact that I’m thrashing myself emotionally is keeping me from personal forgiveness. Do you ever do that? I get mad at myself when I self-sabotage by falling back into old conditioned habits. However, to my credit, I'm still working out-some. 

What I am learning is externally and internally there are many stages of syncing up body, mind, and spirit. It takes a lifetime to pull off ongoing stability. Yet ‘True Balance’ is something we always have deep down inside of us; we just need to come into harmony with it on the outside. Of course the ‘aplomb heart’ doesn’t come from me, I’m not that accomplished. It comes from God. He put a core center of immovability within me for a good reason – probably because He knows I get tipped over in attaining perfection in tree pose, against resistance to ‘what is’, or my struggle with yummy food, or my worry over germs and judgment. Below the surface of my crazy, extreme self is ‘True Balance’: a level place, a still place, a place of compassion, a place of acceptance towards others, a place where all is well when I take care of myself, a place where gravity (and Hersey Bars) doesn’t pull me off center.

Staycations

Life’s Mindful Moments:    Staycations

The economy has taken a bite out of our ability to just go off and take a trip when we like. We don’t travel as often (except for work or to see relatives). We can’t remember the last time we took a vacation just the two of us. But that’s okay. Someone invented the word ‘Staycation’; and thankfully on the heels of us all wondering how we were going to cope with our changing lifestyles. Prior to September of 2008, many of us lived sweet entitled lives compared to the rest of the world. We wasted more money than we should have, and took things for granted to one degree or another. You know what I’m talking about.

So instead of booking a few nights in a B & B, whenever we want a getaway spot over looking a lake in ‘Somewhere USA, we head up to Lake Geneva Wisconsin (our home away from home). It’s about 40 minutes away from us. It’s Staycation time: We pack a lunch, our lawn chairs, a blanket, and I swear to Rich on a stack of receipts that I won’t step foot in any of the charming little shops. Instead, we spend the afternoon reading a stack of books and gaze at the view. It doesn’t take much to make me happy. All summer, I’ll find a shady tree to sit under, let the breeze kiss my cheeks, count the sail boats, laugh at children with ice cream, listen to the birds, watch people go by and wonder what they are up to, swat an occasional ant off my toes (some times I don’t even care). We meet all sorts of happy dogs and dog owners (I can’t resist a cute dog walking by. We must become friends.). The one thing I do now is make sure to look up every few chapters from my book, pause and just follow my breath for five minutes. When I do, the peace within me is as deep as the lake. From time to time I’ll tell Rich, ‘Doesn’t get any better than this.’ Even in the winter I’ll go up there (I love it when the latent lake begins to stir. If you are really still you can hear it thawing). If going up to Lake Geneva isn’t an option, we’ll hang out at the lake in our town or sit on the patio in our own little backyard. Contentment is accepting right where you are at, in the moment (in all seasons). Sometimes those moments are so pleasant it doesn’t matter where you are staying.