2016 Bye Bye Felicia

2016 was a difficult year for many: pictures from Aleppo were gut wrenching; 49 people were killed at a gay night club in Orlando; the murder rate in Chicago was up 72%; we had an Ebola breakout that had us on edge for weeks; a truck drove into a crowd on Bastille Day in France killing 85; the Dallas police shootings; the death of David Bowie, Alex Rickman, Glenn Frey, Leonard Cohen, Florence Henderson, and Prince exposed every nostalgic bone in our aging bodies; Donald Trump is going to be the President of the United States. I'm just skimming the surface of the unimaginable heartaches we all experienced together. 

For me personally, I've never felt so undone and alone. I had good days to be sure (we moved to Paradise so it wasn't all bad). Most noticeable were the countless days when my energy and sprit were utterly depleted. I was exhausted from keeping a smile on my face and encouraging others to do the right thing. Reestablishing a career in a new town proved to be harder then I anticipated. I had to process many losses: some dear friends, my beloved dog, upheaval in our family due to addiction, closure in friendships due to misunderstanding or changes due to proximity, my physical body and spirit suffered mightily over a medical decision that changed my life a few years back (there was no escaping the lasting consequences). I was emotionally hurting. 

I noticed that people were expecting more--taking more then they were giving out. Listening less. Seemed like everyone's Love-Tank was empty too. Nobody was willing to be other-centered. Even me. I've never felt so self-absorbed. I thought I'd just sit back and see who'd come to me for once out of pure affection. It was an unconscious, defensive, child-like posture to be sure. I spent days and days trying to figure out how to 'snap out of it' and let go of my disappointment in people and myself. Life was mirroring something to me. I didn't like it. I wondered if going inward was an unreasonable reaction to all the negativity happening around me and in the world? Or was I giving myself permission this year to ‘feel’, and take off the Pollyanna hat? Was this another season of transformation? The last one 9 years ago about did me in.  

Ironically, I was also in a heightened state of intuition (almost psychic). I knew how people were going to react before I stepped in the door. I knew within days or hours when the text or phone call was going to happen. And what would be said. It was warp speed awareness. I was on high alert. I can't count how many times I said to Rich, "I knew it. I saw that coming. What did I tell you?" I knew how things were going to go down before they did. It was freaking me out. And having a general 'gist' of what may happen didn't give me a heads up either; I couldn't control the actions or reactions of others. I had to protect myself from my empathic concern and sensitivities for others. I was more tired then I'd ever been in my life. 

The election about did me in too. I didn't feel safe. I wouldn't let Rich wear his ‘Feel The Bern’ T-shirt out in public because we live in gun-toting Trumpland. They may seem all friendly by you, but they were not by us (even mild-mannered Rich Brandt was verbally assaulted, on two separate occasions, by two Trump supporters at the dog park). Who does that? 

I'm still grieved and worried about the future: climate change, quality of our air, food, and water sources, ongoing marginalization of immigrants and minorities, loss of women's or gay rights, foreign government interference, Wall Street occupation in the White House, and other foreign occupations continuing the instability in the Middle East.  

I teach meditation, I'm not supposed to worry about the future. I teach others how to let go of what we can't control. Some days, there was not enough meditation to make the ache in my heart go away. 

In 2016, it seemed we were all clashing into each other like subatomic particles. I was just waiting for things to blow. I was observing my own internal conflict. I feared a Big Bang every other conversation with family, friends, and strangers at the doggy park. 

There has been a lot of mental tension to overcome this year. I'm more introverted this year. To cope, I'm using all my super power tools: prayer, contemplation, silence, movement, meditation (watching my thoughts), play, being present. Those tools have helped in the past; this year they felt duller. What was wrong with me? I felt like a fraud. At times, I resorted to momentary thoughts of superstition and wondered if I was under a shadow spell, spiritual dark forces, or a funky planet in retrograde. I saged the house two times. 

It would have been too easy to blame it all on Satan or planet alignment. No, this was Kim feeling her humanity in all it's glory. Yes, glory. No judgment here. The spiritual work of letting go is often divinely chaotic and messy. Things don't get fixed at the end of the day or week; it can take years to transform. 

I was generally pissed that I had to work so hard to change my stressful thoughts (which was the core of all my problems, and everyone else too). Secretly I'd think, "If everyone would just change their stressful thoughts we could shift as a plant, our country, and as individuals. Eazy peazy! Everyone just get on board the Nice Train and 2016 won't end up as a train wreck.” 

Lord knows, I can't wait to mark a new year. Bye Bye Felicia. 2016 was more sucky for my personal comfort. Actually, deep down, our personal comfort is all that matters. Collectively, most people think that 2016 was the worst year ever. No doubt about it, it was pretty crummy. However, I think 1348, the year the Black Death wiped out a third of the population of Europe, was pretty horrible.

Elyse Wanshel, Associate Editor of Trends at Huffington Post wrote a super positive list about why 2016 was beautiful: Pancreatic cancer 5-year survival rate went from 16% to 27%; Michael Jordan donated 2 million to help bridge the connection between the police and the community; California is now powering over 6 million homes with solar power (yay, Ben Feusi for your contribution); 50 million trees were planted in India in 24 hours; 500 elephants were relocated to new homes; Leonardo Di Caprio finally won a well deserved Oscar; 800 Boko Harem Hostages were rescued by the Nigerian Army; Toys R Us offered Quiet Shopping Hours for kids with autism this holiday; Hamilton. 

For us, we got the most magical little Tibetan Terrier

monk dog, Buddha. Oh he drove us crazy the first 4 months we had him; Momma didn't have enough energy to deal with a high-octane puppy this year. But we've finally turned a corner. I think Fred would be pleased with Buddha's progress. We had a few visitors from back home: Ralph Brandt and Kimmie Rueter (#comeVisit). Rich turned 60 this year. We went to Key West. It was an epic trip. Kevin got his CDL license. He's on the road, driving  an 18-wheeler now. Sarah is expecting a baby girl in February. The Cubs won the World Series. Need I say more? 

I've had many conversations with God this past year. They were Anne Lamott's one word prayers: Help; Thanks; Wow. Now more then ever, I have to surrender and allow life to play out. 'Not my will, but thy will be done.' It's a difficult practice to change one's emotions around one's attached thoughts. But I have faith in the process. Conversion hasn't let me down. As long as I don't resist too hard, grace will show up for my benefit. There is a beautiful poem from Pierre Teilhard de Chardin. It sums up what 2017 may be about as I wait on God, watch, and compress those pesky thoughts. 

TRUST IN THE SLOW WORK OF GOD

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.
We are quite naturally impatient in everything
to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way to something
unknown, something new.
And yet it is the law of all progress
that it is made by passing through
some stages of instability—
and that it may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you;
your ideas mature gradually—let them grow,
let them shape themselves, without undue haste.
Don’t try to force them on,
as though you could be today what time
(that is to say, grace and circumstances
acting on your own good will)
will make of you tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.
Give Our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.